AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

Goodness me. You'd hate me and my friends then. There's a large array of dietary requirements including intolerances and choices. We adapt.

We have different types of nights where people bring pot luck, or the host just does vegan and gluten free.

Ultimately, my friends and their company are more important to me than the theme of an evening. So I'd go out of my way to accommodate and they would do the same for me.

She never hosts, is a difficult eater, backs out frequently at the last minute and demands to know what food is going to be cooked for her to eat prior to the event to take account of her extra dietary requirements (self-imposed).

I'd say she should be biting your arm off (pun intended) for any invitation she gets at all.

She sounds like hard work. A tricky customer.

I'd have ditched her long ago!

Agree with AtomicRabbit. Gosh she sounds hard work, flaky and also not fun!

YABU to NFI her based on being a teetotal vegan but based on her past form YANBU to NFI her to anything ever again!

The more I read from OP, the less I understand. The "friend" is judgmental, flaky and confrontational? Or is OP snide, condescending and herself judgmental?

I can't tell. Invite friend to the thread so we can hear her side of the story. OP is not painting her in a good light at all.

Invite her, but suggest she brings her own food.

As for teetotal...Nothing wrong with that at all..👍

@PuppyMonkey

Wasn’t there an episode of The Apprentice where the candidates had to cater a day out for some business people - £200 a head etc etc - and the vegan option was fruit salad?

From memory, she was gluten free and that’s all they could give her as they hadn’t factored it in. She was, rightly, hacked off.

I have been in that situation though. £20 a head for a work do meal. DH - meat eater - had pulled pork buns and salad and kebabs... I said that I was the vegetarian (I asked work to pass this on in advance and they did) and they said I could have the fish kebab. Umm... No I can’t. I could eat the salad. £20 for me to have some crap salad.

DH gets more incensed about it than I do. His parents often suggest restaurants where there are zero options for me (a fish restaurant for example) and, when he asks them to change it, they get huffy. I’m happy if there is only one option available to me but zero options? I may as well not go.

She could always eat the apple from the pigs mouth.

Or not.

@betteliefsen 🤣🤣

Make it clear what the theme is and explain you are not able to cater for her vegan diet on this occasion. But invite her on the basis she brings her own food or eats first. You could provide a few vegan snacks like crisps easy enough.

other people may want the vegan alternative.

Another one here not understanding why you have to mention that's shes tee total. I don't drink alcohol either.

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine

I was thinking exactly this. It's like the meat eaters would be appalled at a vegan dish (OH THE HORROR!)

What a bizarre thread.

Ultimately, my friends and their company are more important to me than the theme of an evening.

This.

OP isn't being forced to hold a medieval banquet, she chose to do it, and is choosing not to cook vegan dishes, knowing full well this would exclude a member of the group who is usually a part of these things. That's fine if she wants to do that but I feel sorry for the friend. I'm glad she has at least been given the option, not inviting her would have been mean.

If I had a coeliac friend who regularly came to my house for dinners as part of an established group, I wouldn't then choose to host a bread-themed party. I would pick something that all of my friends could enjoy so that nobody felt left out.

I’m veggie and sometimes would rather bring my own food than people going to extra trouble for me. I’d be happy with a pot of hummus! It’s a bit harsh to exclude them.

If I had a coeliac friend who regularly came to my house for dinners as part of an established group, I wouldn't then choose to host a bread-themed party. I would pick something that all of my friends could enjoy so that nobody felt left out.

I think most normal people would too

@howaboutchocolate - have you read the thread? OP did host a vegan/teetotal party last time. It sounds like you're suggesting that the OP can't host the type of dinner party she would like to host because one person doesn't approve. This friend never hosts back, by the way. Just demands what food will be cooked for her and judges people who drink alcohol. Nobody is entitled to be invited to a dinner party. It's entirely up to the host who they invite and what meals they would like to cook. Serious/fatal allergies are entirely different from dietary choices so your comparison about hosting a bread party, as ridiculous as that is, doesn't really work.

@ohtherewearerhen
Vegetables, potatoes, beans, barley, bread are all vegan.

This thread reminds me of my mil who couldn’t think what my DD might eat as a vegan. She was then telling me later that she had beans on toast for lunch.

@Greenpop21 - are they? Wow, do the elders know?
If OP wants to have a meat filled dinner party that is entirely up to her. She doesn't have to spend extra time and money making different dishes to accommodate someone who may not even turn up. This friend has never made any effort to host the OP and if she did it doesn't seem likely that age would accommodate her guests' preferences for meat and alcohol. Being hospitable works both ways. She doesn't even sound like a very gracious guest

Catering for dietary needs can be a nightmare - and this is coming from someone that is dairy free! We have a group of friends, two are vegan, one is gluten free and another is allergic to nuts and mushrooms. There is one person in the group with no dietary needs. It's just an irritating bore cooking for everyone now rather than a fun challenge.

You said there were no vegan dishes. Most meals include vegetables. Duh

Here’s a vegan recipe for you OP which your friend might have not tried:

Brown Lentils in a pot with cumin and covered with water.
Boil then simmer for 15 mins.
Dice tomato, onions and parsley and dash inside.
Squeeze lemon and crush one garlic and stir.
Drizzle with olive oil.

Eat with bread.

It’s only 5 mins of prep and the rest is just pot action.

Really easy peasy. Less fuss than posting on here

I do a lot of medieval cooking as part of a reenactment group (14th century).

Whilst veganism didn't really exist, there were dishes that were/ could be adapted using authentic ingredients to be vegan. Very easily.

For example, dairy was not allowed on certain fast days and through most of lent, so almond milk was often used as a substitute.

You can, although unlikely to have been used in this way in the UK because of cost, use olive oil instead of lard or butter as a cooking base.

Mushrooms were plentiful, as we're a range of lentils. Oats, so many oats. And turnips.

There are quite a few dishes you could make that would be vegan and authentic for a medieval banquet.

YABU if you don't invite her based solely on a lack of vegan recipes.

MrsNotNice, that is not a point, op doesn't want to cook something extra, I can see no wrong in it.
It's not easy peasy, if you are planning something and have to do extra when you don't know if they would appreciate it or not.

@MrsNotNice ditch the tomatoes and spot on. Tomatoes are New World and not prevalent in Europe until the 16th Century.

Otherwise, works great. You could use kale or rocket instead of tomatoes though.