AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

Medieval not medical! 🙈

My god.

OP INVITED HER

OP DOESN’T WANT TO COOK VEGAN FOOD

THE CHEQUE HAS BEEN CANCELLED

YANBU. She sounds like a drag. I don't invite anyone with fussy food habits to dinner at mine, I just find other ways to spend time with them so I don't have to deal with it.

I suppose you could always cast her as the token serf/peasant at your banquet and give her a boiled turnip, Baldrick-style?

Medieval banquets sound more of a drag

I wouldn't invite tbh

Wasn’t there an episode of The Apprentice where the candidates had to cater a day out for some business people - £200 a head etc etc - and the vegan option was fruit salad?

Sad to say but YABU... I completely see that it would be an annoying situation, especially if you made something and she flaked at the last minute! But citing the 'rules' on social distancing is (sorry!!) a bit cowardly and its a bit poor form to not include a friend based on the ethical choice they've made...

I'd tell her what the dinner theme is going to be and that there might not be lots of vegan options. I really don't think you need to be compelled to provide a vegan alternative at every stage, that's going overboard but providing at least one shouldn't that big a deal surely?! Meat and animal products were surely a huge luxury in the middle ages and bread is vegan... and then ask her to bring something to additional if she'd like.

If she said what are you cooking that I can eat, sounds to me that she is accepting that she can’t eat everything and will be happy to eat the vegan dishes.

For those wondering about the charities thing - normally we play games against the “house” with the profits going to charity. I don’t charge for attendance, tho we did once do a murder mystery which we did an entry fee for.

Good grief. OP has said that she doesn't want to cook vegan food on this occasion. Every other post is suggesting vegan alternatives. She doesn't want to do them and that's that.
It makes me laugh how so many people immediately get very defensive of members of the V Club and appear to assume that the vege/vegan is always a lovely person who can do no wrong and the non vege/vegans are always hideously unreasonable.

What's the problem? Vegans can eat any vegetables/beans and carbs. You're surely not only going to gnaw on meat all night and nothing else?

If you do like her company then invite her, tell her that there won't be much food, so she has the chance to bring her own, and just boil some veg on the side for anyone to help themselves to, as well as her. If you want, put a slab of butter in a dish next to them. Veganism is easier than meat dishes. She brings something to stick with them and she's done. She might not want to watch half a pig rotating, in which case she might make an excuse, but if she's keen for a night out and your company, then why not invite her?

@CyanSnake

Here's a pic of some of the fritters and sauces I made for my dissertation research! ☺️ You're going to have a great time, is everyone dressing up?

If she said what are you cooking that I can eat, sounds to me that she is accepting that she can’t eat everything and will be happy to eat the vegan dishes.

What vegan dishes?? OP has stated that she doesn't want to do vegan dishes.

@PuppyMonkey

Wasn’t there an episode of The Apprentice where the candidates had to cater a day out for some business people - £200 a head etc etc - and the vegan option was fruit salad?

If memory serves, they fucked up the order and then had to come up with a vegan or veggie option while on a train by throwing together whatever they already had.

OP, if she's got form for backing out and is showing the signs of doing it, I'd just buy some lentil soup and veg pasties and throw them on if she does deign to show up.

She sounds hard work

Okay! I don't think my dear friends who have painfully divorced are twats. They just don't go together for a cheerful dinner party.

🙄 You were saying vegans and meat eaters ‘don’t go’. I was saying they can and do. But you knew that already.

@CyanSnake

I have invited her, and she has accepted but from experience the tone of her reply makes me think she’ll back out next week. If she does turn up, I have sourced some recipients. It was a bit awkward as she challenged me on what I’d be serving, and I struggled to come up with vegan recipes on the spot.

The teetotal comment referred to a paragraph I deleted about feeling awkward drinking with someone I knew didn’t approve. I removed the paragraph but overlooked removing it from the rest of my post.

Most non drinkers don’t give a shit about other people’s drinking.

Neither have I, but it appears that a fair few on MN do!

Yes, very strange.

DS has severe food allergies and a very restricted diet. I am happy to bring his own food, I appreciate the effort the host is wanting to make but in all honestly, I would rather they didn’t bother as they get themselves into a HUGE amount of work, they get it wrong most of the times (dangerous in DS’s case), the food turns awful for everyone else while in all honestly I would have been happier if they had simply allowed us to use their microwave to warm up the meal I brought for DS.

I imagine it would be so much more stressful to try and trust they’d got it right than simply bring your own @TheMotherofAllDilemmas

I would invite her if she is a regular member. But I would explain the theme and there won't be any vegan food but she is welcome to join if she'd like to and bring her own food.
I have a dc with very restricted diet, and I think I would/he would feel hurt if he was excluded from things he regularly goes, just because the food won't suit him. Will appreciate it if given choice to attend with own food than not asked at all and hear about it from someone else.

Did not rtft, but has gruel been suggested yet?

@OrangeSamphire

I’m vegan, rarely drink, and am flaky with social arrangements due to complicated life circumstances.

I’d be gutted if a friend was thinking like this about me.

Invite her.

Have breads, some kind of soup and a veg stew ready. These things won’t go to waste among your other guests or can be frozen and reheated another time.

This makes you kind and inclusive, the kind of friend anyone would hope to have.

If you decide it’s too hard and you feel negative about her, well then you’re probably not a friend to her, so don’t pretend.

You don’t see how irritating it would be to go out of your way and cook extra food, costing time and expense, to just have it all go to waste when she/ you don’t turn up? If you know you’re flaky, surely you’d offer to bring your own food rather than expect the host to buy and cook food which you know you probably won’t bother turning up to eat.

When I was vegan (I'm lapsed now) I made a point of not making it awkward for other people. That was my rule. People do it different ways but I found it really made me uncomfortable to expect to be catered for. I took my own stuff or made exceptions for that event. It felt too close to forcing my views on others. It wasn't very long ago (I've done it twice, now I just eat plenty of vegan friendly food but am not exclusive) so it wasn't like nobody knew what vegan was, but it still felt like an imposition.

I wouldnt invite her sorry - it's bad enough cooking one meal for that many why cook extra for one more? If you feel really bad I would make her a veggie burger but wouldn't go to more effort for one person