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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think putting baby down awake is an unrealistic goal

102 replies

FrenchEnglish · 21/07/2020 04:15

My baby is 4 months old and has never been one to fall asleep on her own; she needs to be fed to sleep.
She was sleeping through but the last few weeks she's been waking multiple times and won't settle unless she's breastfed back to sleep. The only consistent advice I seem to see is that I should be putting her down still ever so slightly awake. But if she is not in a deep sleep, she will not stay asleep for any period of time at all. As soon as I put her down, she cries and she doesn't stop until I pick her back up again. I posted on here a few weeks ago that we managed to get her to sleep holding her hands and stroking her cheek but she was crying and I was crucified for sleep training too young... Fine, but what do I actually do? People still just keep saying put her down when she's still awake! But she cries! So how do I do that and not leave her to cry for any period of time?! I'm genuinely asking! How can I get her to accept being put down?

OP posts:

LividLaughLovely · 21/07/2020 04:20

Same and no idea.

HV suggested I wake him slightly when putting him down... hmmmmm, that means he screams until he’s fed to sleep again..

Monty27 · 21/07/2020 04:25

Don't listen to other people. You have your instincts and know your baby's noises. Get a nice chair by her bed and slowly slowly DD will feel you're not abandoning her. We all learn with our babies. Make sure she feels secure and not abandoned just because it's bedtime.
Worked for me.
Congratulations 🎉

Hailtomyteeth · 21/07/2020 04:26

Keep your babies with you. That's what they need.

Bananarama12 · 21/07/2020 04:29

Sleep regression at 4 months. The best advice my mum gave me was dont listen to what people think you should do! Putting down awake never worked for us. I fed to sleep until it stopped working at about 8 months and then I sleep trained.

awesmum · 21/07/2020 04:29

They're only tiny for a very little time, snuggle them heaps.
Do what your instincts tell you, you know your baby better than any advice, book, HV or anyone else.

Areyouinthemoon · 21/07/2020 04:31

Hello, I couldn’t put my 5.5 month old down unless I rocked her silly for at least 30mins until she was in deep sleep, but recently before we hit 2 hours’ awake time I’ve popped her in a growbag, put some white noise on, closed the blinds and sat next to her crib softly but firmly patting her chest until she nods off for naps and night time sleep. She cried stop start the first time, but I kept patting and drying her eyes and she eventually started giggling after 20mins and then nodded off immediately. The second time the crying lasted 10mins and by day two we’re down to 2mins of crying.

The key is to put her down on the first sleep cue how ever small or doubtful it may be.

Genua · 21/07/2020 04:37

Some do some don’t. My baby has done it form birth and my 2yo has only just accepted being left awake in his cot to then get himself to sleep (he just needed someone in the room before this - he wasn’t being fed to sleep by this age). I haven’t done anything differently and I wouldn’t bother forcing it. People on here often believe that if what worked for their baby doesn’t work for you it’s because you are doing it wrong or didn’t try hard enough - ignore it. Take the ideas and support that work for you and ignore the rest

lukasiak · 21/07/2020 04:42

I had twins, so I just had to get on with it. Couldn't feed and rock both of them to sleep or else I would never have slept. They've slept together their entire lives, and still do now at 5, so they sort of soothed one another from birth. Have you tried white noise? My other three were fantastic sleepers, but I always had white noise on in the background. Dd3 has always slept to the fields of ard skellig from the witcher 3 soundtrack, which is very random and I'm slightly concerned she's going to end up speaking gaelic as a result, but puts her out like a light.

TipTopTap · 21/07/2020 04:44

I only seemed to be able to catch sleep cues when they were overtired.

I cuddled/rocked/breastfed both of mine to sleep. They are now 8 and 6 and whilst they’ve slept independently for years, they both still like it on the odd occasion if I get in with them and they fall asleep in a cuddle. I bloody love it, won’t last forever.

FortunesFave · 21/07/2020 04:59

I never put mine down awake. They just screamed if I did.

Goslowlysideways · 21/07/2020 05:15

I did it with all of my kids. Fed them and got them comfortable in my arms then put them in bed. I just tried and then eventually after a few times of trying they fell asleep by themselves.
It took different lengths of time with each one and then there were periods where it all went back to square one. But by the time they were toddlers they were all able to go to bed and after a story fall asleep on their own.

Crackerofdoom · 21/07/2020 05:34

I did it with mine but only because they didn t seem to mind.

My friend has 3 DCs and she fed them all to sleep and although it took a bit longer to get them off night feeds, they all sleep well and on their own now.

If it is working for you, then it is the right thing for you. Don't ve pressured into making life harder for yourself

Megan2018 · 21/07/2020 05:40

It works with mine since 9 months, no earlier because she no longer feeds to sleep-she pulls off when drowsy now.

4 months is far too young to demand anything from them, keep doing as you are. You have so many hurdles yet with regressions and teething. Feed to sleep for now and everyone will sleep!

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 21/07/2020 05:45

This is the most frustrating piece of advice I was ever given. I tried it a few times. But why would I spend so much time and effort patting and shushing them to sleep in a cot when I can simply breastfeed them to sleep? There are enzymes in the milk that make them sleepy anyway. My 5 year old and 3 year old were breastfed to sleep until the day they weaned and it hasn't impacted them poorly at all. They are happy and sleep well.

I believe 100% in do what works for you and your baby as long as it's safe and done with love.

Appletoffee · 21/07/2020 05:56

YANBU I knew they meant well, but I used to find it so upsetting when people said this to me. As though there was something I could do differently to make DC1 and DC3 sleep.

I had one of three DCs who I could put down awake (middle child). The other two, no way would they ever do this...

DC1 only goes to sleep on her own now she is 12 . DC3 still struggles to fall asleep and she is 8. DC2 drops off to deep sleep as soon as her head hits the pillow (before the other two).

It’s so tough - you can try all sorts of things but what works for one baby won’t work for others no matter what people tell you.

Be careful posting in AIBU, you may get more practical support in a newborn/parenting topic.

Sorry I’m not much help

Scotmummy1216 · 21/07/2020 06:00

At that age yes unrealistic but in a few months i feel they eventually need their own space to fall asleep. My youngest is 1 and got increasingly fussy at 9/10 months with her sleep and got very restless being cuddled. We started to put her down awake in her cot and she has slept much better except for teething nights.

GinDaddyRedux · 21/07/2020 06:02

I want to comment on this but I'll just get flamed and kicked, so yeah OP YANBU etc

ItWasNotOK · 21/07/2020 06:04

I started doing so at 4 months because he would cry for two minutes then go to sleep immediately.

Every baby is different. People giving unasked for advice are the fucking pits which is why I never discuss any issues I'm having with anyone, because I know I'll get a ton of advice I don't want and didn't ask for.

But just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it is bad advice for everyone so don't just dismiss it out of hand, because that makes it sound like you think those who do just put their babies down are doing something wrong.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 21/07/2020 06:13

There are two different schools of thought. One is teach baby to self settle ASAP by not feeding to sleep and put down drowsy but awake. This usually ends up with some kind of control crying sleep training situation. The other is there is nothing wrong with feeding to sleep, it’s natural, gentle and allows Bub to fall asleep easily. And that sleep training is damaging to the long term emotional health of the child. Some babies will go down drowsy but awake, others will scream the minute you put them down. If I was you I’d read up on both schools of thought and make the choice that’s right for you. If your having trouble finding resources that encourages you to continue to feed to sleep, pinky Mackay, the milk meg and the beyond sleep training project (on Facebook) have plenty of articles and information. Good luck. The month sleep regression can be rough. My daughter never grew out of it. I still breastfeed to sleep at 20 months. If it’s not a problem for you it’s not a problem. You’re being a great mum trying to figure out what’s best for you and your baby

AlmostAlwyn · 21/07/2020 06:13

Just feed to sleep! You're not doing it wrong or making a rod for your back... You're listening to your baby and what she needs

Useruseruserusee · 21/07/2020 06:13

All babies are different. I could put one of mine down awake from about 6 months and he would settle himself beautifully.

My other never managed it. I did all of the same things and he just wasn’t having it - it had to be a cuddle.

user1493413286 · 21/07/2020 06:22

I hated this advice with my first; I could just not understand how it could work. I used to try it and my DD would wake up no matter what and when I used to ask how you do it no one could actually answer what you do when they scream when you put them down and all the shushing and patting doesn’t work.
I figured out in the end that some babies will let you do it and some won’t and it doesn’t matter what you do some just won’t have it. I managed to get my first DD to do it by 8/9 months with sleep training and with my second DS he will sometimes let me but sometimes not.

Fredfrench62 · 21/07/2020 06:24

Dd1 was a nightmare baby. Lots of reasons why sleep training had to be done. Dd2 has been a doddle sleep wise and up until now at 11 months I've cuddled her to sleep and loved every second. However separation anxiety has just kicked in and I think I'm going to have to sleep train her. She gets cuddled to sleep. I put her down and shes fine until her next natural waking time. Then she cries I think because the last thing she remembers is me being with her. I was trying to cuddle her back to sleep but the second I'd move shed wake up and scream because she knew I was leaving. We've had a week of this for up to 3 hours at a time. I'm back to work soon so sadly got to start the sleep training.

Wecandothis99 · 21/07/2020 06:26

Worked for mine but they're all different so do whatever feels right. It won't be forever

Useruseruserusee · 21/07/2020 06:29

I think it’s also about how much you care about this as a parent. With my first DS I wanted to do everything ‘right’, including with sleep.

My second DS (who is now two) was born with a health condition and has had eight operations. Sleep feels very unimportant and if he needs a cuddle to help him with it, then that’s what he gets.

If you are happy to cuddle to sleep then feel free to ignore what other people think and do what works for you.

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