To think putting baby down awake is an unrealistic goal

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My baby is 4 months old and has never been one to fall asleep on her own; she needs to be fed to sleep.
She was sleeping through but the last few weeks she's been waking multiple times and won't settle unless she's breastfed back to sleep. The only consistent advice I seem to see is that I should be putting her down still ever so slightly awake. But if she is not in a deep sleep, she will not stay asleep for any period of time at all. As soon as I put her down, she cries and she doesn't stop until I pick her back up again. I posted on here a few weeks ago that we managed to get her to sleep holding her hands and stroking her cheek but she was crying and I was crucified for sleep training too young... Fine, but what do I actually do? People still just keep saying put her down when she's still awake! But she cries! So how do I do that and not leave her to cry for any period of time?! I'm genuinely asking! How can I get her to accept being put down?

@Mycatscollar

What do you think would happen after six hours if you put a sleepy baby in a cot genua?

Well, in my experience of a child who did not do the sleepy but awake put down thing, our nights of sleep training went:

7pm feed baby, put to bed sleepy but awake

8 hours of screaming until he was sick or stopped breathing, with intermittent cuddling as per Ferber method. DS falls in to intermittent sleep during this time, crying in his sleep. Wakes frequently (every 15 or so minutes) screaming.

After 8 hours, me leaving the house to sit in the car as I couldn't cope with it anymore. Could still hear the screaming.

2 more hours of me in the car, until DH runs out screaming "he's turning blue" - calmly take baby and bow on his face, baby starts breathing again (the crying until he went blue was a common occurrence by then). Take baby back inside.

6am - morning feed.

another night of above.

3rd Night, DH sleeps elsewhere whilst I do above.

4th night, I sleep elsewhere whilst DH does above.

5th night, both remain at home, in the hope that things have improved. They have not.

6th night, stop above. Go back to feeding to sleep and cosleeping.

One of my babies I definitely could and the other one I definitely could not. I wasted so much time trying!

Drowsy but awake never worked for DD. She could be on the verge of sleep, I'd put her down for a nap and ping! Eyes open! She slept on me, or in the car for naps. Sometimes the pram. She was always good a night sleeper but not so good in the day.

I breastfed to sleep at night too until we stopped at 14 months but I don't think it's made a rod for my own back, she is now 2 and a half and sleeps fine, usually sleeps through too, but if she gets upset in the night she comes in with us.

We do stay with her till she falls asleep but it doesn't take too long, and won't last forever. She still has her Ewan on too. Just do what works for you

Why can’t you keep feeding her to sleep? She’s 4 months old

It took both of mine until about a year old before they could be put down awake and settle themselves at night. No chance at 4 months!

Sorry hit post too soon.... Also meant to say I enjoyed the cuddles at night and often sat with them asleep in my arms for over an hour before putting them in their own beds. They are only tiny enough to lay in your arms for such a short period of time

You do what is right for your baby op as one size really doesn't fit all. My first dc had to fall asleep with so much help it was exhausting. He didnt sleep in his own bed and without lots of effort from us until he was over 2!
My second dc however goes down awake, has done since the start and sleeps like a dream. It just shows you they really are all different and it isn't anything we are or aren't doing

I sleep trained at 4 months and now he consistently falls asleep on his own after I put him down awake. Worked for us.

See, we are all different, as our babies. Some mothers enjoy the cuddles and some feel constrained by the need to rock and cuddle our kids to sleep. I’m the latter camp and it was important to me to establish good, independent sleep habits early on.

@Piglet89

See, we are all different, as our babies. Some mothers enjoy the cuddles and some feel constrained by the need to rock and cuddle our kids to sleep. I’m the latter camp and it was important to me to establish good, independent sleep habits early on.

It is also dependent on the baby though, some, admittedly only a few, do not respond to sleep training (see my post above re screaming until he stopped breathing). I hated having to feed/rock/cuddle DS to sleep, but it was preferable to the holding his breath etc. DD I loved cuddling whilst she was asleep. But she was a much more independent sleeper and the times I had to do it few and far between.

Give it time.
4 months is still very little.

I read the baby whisperer book and found her advice on how to read babies cues great for baby 1 but pointless for 2.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people believe that adult humans are all different and unique, but act as if babies, which are humans as well, apparantly all work the same as their own kid.

Babies are all different. I couldn’t ever put DD1 down awake without her screaming her head off. I tried everything I could think of but she was not having it. DD2 is 5 months & I can just pop her back in the cot after a feed, if she’s awake she coos for a bit then falls back to sleep without protest. It feels like magic. We’ve done nothing differently, it’s all down to temperament.

But all adult humans require sleep.

Some may fall asleep easier than others but they will all sleep, or they will die. Babies are the same, they just need more sleep.

Honestly my daughter is 18 months and still won't go down on her own. I have to get her to fall asleep on me first.
I'm not in a rush to change that, and she'll do it when she's ready.

I'm afraid I left mine to cry a reasonable time. But I was going back to work around this time, so stopped bf and they both started sleeping through anyway.
Midnight milky snuggles may be lovely for some, but nothing beat several uninterrupted hours kip in your own bed.

When our babies had been fed, burped, changed and cuddled and were calm and still awake, we put them down (swaddled, when they were very tiny) and left them in peace . They just fell naturally peacefully asleep in a couple of minutes. No tears, no crying, no wails, no grizzling.

Sitting beside an awake baby/child just stops it nodding off and keeps the poor little thing awake for hours IME (living proof, DIL)

I found different babies were OK with different things. Ds1- not a hope in hell of that child ever being put down awake, he had to be fed to sleep by me or rocked to sleep by DH, but once asleep if you put him down he generally stayed asleep until he wanted a feed or nappy change. Ds2, you could put him down awake if he was fully fed and snuggly and drowsy and he would drift off happily, pretty much from birth. Ds3 needs to have someone next to him, not only to fall asleep but until he is deeply asleep. My nephew is a child who will happily go into his cot wide awake and chatting with his toys and go off to sleep after a while.

I am a co sleeping fan and it worked for us for years in that we all got sleep, it helped with the reverse cycling when I was back at work too. Every family is different and every baby within the family is different, you do what works for you.

Do whatever’s easiest. If she breastfeeds to sleep then do that. Honestly that ‘put them down sleepy but awake’ advice needs to go in the bin, never worked for either of mine.

2bazookas I think you were lucky to get 2 like that. DD was exactly the same. DS on the other hand, not a chance.

I often put my babies down to sleep awake, they soon nodded off. Did this from birth, worked for us.

I fed to sleep until it started making DC waking every 45 minutes all night. I didn't get on with co-sleeping past 3m, I just got zero sleep and my babies seem to find me too funny to actually go to sleep.

Putting a baby down awake doesnt mean they never cry . Babies often don't like going to bed - surprise!

The point is that if you gradually reduce the level of contact/involvement you have in their falling asleep from an earlier age, it can done with not much light fussing as opposed to masses of screaming, which is often what happens when, sleep deprived, you suddenly attempt to go cold tutkey at 12m on a child who has never known anything but the breast to fall asleep.

Hmm I’m not sure that “sleep alone or die” is really the philosophy any parent wants to adopt for a small baby

Sleepy but awake only works if your baby has middle gears. Putting mine down even vaguely awake has always led to him going boing!! and settling in for another hour or three of carousing, even as a newborn. If he goes to sleep being held he's out cold and that's him for the night.

I fed him to sleep until 11 months, and now we just cuddle until he coups. He settles himself during the night now, so we'll let him figure out going down in his own time too. At four months, just roll with it, so teeny.

This probably isn’t actually very helpful in terms of specific tips or ideas but it’s in the interest of offering some hope. My baby and I co slept from birth until 11months old because she would not sleep anywhere without me. Never slept longer than 60 seconds in a Moses basket, screamed every car journey as she wasn’t close enough to me, it was hellish at points and I couldn’t see an end. There were points the whole way through where I would try her cot before her coming in with me In the hope that one day she would just stay in there and that’s basically what happened! It got to a point where we woke each other up when we bed shared, she wasnt getting quality sleep and it’s almost like she felt relief to be in the cot and since then I put her down awake every night and she rolls over with her teddy and settles herself to sleep. It’s like someone swapped my baby or something I feel so lucky that this happened. It can happen just hang in there I totally feel your exhaustion it can be so hard to deal with. Good luck OP.