To think putting baby down awake is an unrealistic goal

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My baby is 4 months old and has never been one to fall asleep on her own; she needs to be fed to sleep.
She was sleeping through but the last few weeks she's been waking multiple times and won't settle unless she's breastfed back to sleep. The only consistent advice I seem to see is that I should be putting her down still ever so slightly awake. But if she is not in a deep sleep, she will not stay asleep for any period of time at all. As soon as I put her down, she cries and she doesn't stop until I pick her back up again. I posted on here a few weeks ago that we managed to get her to sleep holding her hands and stroking her cheek but she was crying and I was crucified for sleep training too young... Fine, but what do I actually do? People still just keep saying put her down when she's still awake! But she cries! So how do I do that and not leave her to cry for any period of time?! I'm genuinely asking! How can I get her to accept being put down?

Some babies accept it and some don't. I was also utterly bemused by the advice which seemed to have no relevance to DC1.
Then I had DC2. Who hated being rocked to sleep and was far happier being put down in cot to sleep. Also took herself off to bed when she was a toddler and wanted a nap!
Listen to all the advice and follow what works for you.

Not much help now - but after my first baby was a difficult one to get to nap or sleep independently I put my second baby down awake from a few weeks old when a sleep pattern started to show. For example she always had a feed about 10am. Once she’d let go of the breast I would put her in her Moses basket and she would finish drifting off there. I made sure she was swaddled before the feed. Didn’t work for every nap but she and her sisters were far easier than my first for sleeping.

Three kids here, all screamed if put down awake. I cuddled and rocked them to sleep til they were about 12-14 months. I don’t regret a second of it.
Exhausting, yes. But do I think I did the right thing? Absolutely.
They are small for such a short amount of time

Yes, I remember finding that advice ridiculous. I cuddled to sleep until around 13 months, when he started to be more distracted by me being there and wanted to play with my face rather than feeling asleep. It took a few nights of putting him in the cot and seeing what happened... sometimes he'd cry for a minute or two then fall straight to sleep, sometimes he'd get really worked up and I'd go back in and cuddle more. He slowly got more used to being left.

But he's now 17 months and I'll still cuddle to sleep if he needs it - it's rare now and I doubt I'll still be doing it when he's 18!

I did it with my two about now 16 and 19. There was an element of controlled crying but worked quickly and they were always and still are great sleepers after that. If. Of course after a feed they’d be sleepy but I often put them down for a daytime nap without a feed immediately before and they were awake but tired.

Nah we didn't do that. She fell asleep on the boob and then I'd sneak away.

Worked for us. No drama.

Now she's 7 and sleeps great in her own bed and has for years. They're little for a short time. Just do what suits you all. Xx

Number one it would never ever have worked. I could rock him for a while and he would drift off but if I'm honest looking back I wish I'd fed him as he was iurg at birth, caught up really well feeding in demand and I think trying to mess about with not feeding him to sleep actually made nights worse as he was hungry. (Milk is fattier at night.)

Second was a sleepy fat baby and probably could have done this, in fact did a few times accidentally till about the 4 mo thing. They get more aware and their internal panic instincts kick in.

There a big change in sleep patterns at mo months. It can be brutal but does pass eventually.

I do think finding other ways to get to sleep can help, eg buggy, sling, just cuddles etc but all babies are very different.

Definitely keep a mental note of how long they seem to be able to stay awake in the day between naps as I found that the best way to get naps timed well which can help with night time.

Also, loads of fresh air and sun especially midday. Helps set the internal clock.

Sleep regression at months. Both of mine had it for about 10 weeks until I was a Broken mess and had to sleep train to save my sanity. There are gentle ways to do it, not just let them cry it out.

I too was BFing to sleep. But then they would sleep without me as they would wake multiple times an hour. I resorted to cosleeping but then I was getting a terrible night sleep as they wanted to be latched or sleep on my face.

Rocked/ fed my daughter to sleep until she was 13 months old. Then somehow nursery fixed her and she could go down awake. Now at 21 months it's a couple of stories, a cuddle and put her down. She usually messes around (chattering, playing with toys) and falls asleep after 10 mins.

When she was 4 months I drove myself crazy thinking I had to do certain things to get her to sleep, but really it's bollocks. Rules designed to make you feel inferior if you can't meet them. Cuddle your baby, and get them to sleep however you can. You're probably also going through the 4 month sleep regression which was an absolute killer for us. Do what you can to stay sane and definitely don't try and impose any changes right now!

Just be led by your baby. I have one that could be put down awake and she'd drift off herself. Just smile, nod and ignore people who give strident advice about what's "best" for your baby. You're the mum. You know best.

Sometimes it’s only in retrospect or once you have a second that you realise how tiny they were and how unrealistic some expectations were (not from you necessarily, but others). I’m much less fussed about difficult stages with my second because I know from my first that things really do pass. It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it though

@BereftOfInk my second was the same! I thought I had it sorted and gave myself credit for doing the ‘right’ things! But DC3 was very different again, hated being put down, needed a lot of cuddles to sleep, woke a lot and still does. I put her in a sling to have my hands free as the other two were still young and needed me a lot.

OP, do what ever you want to help your baby’s sleep. You will be on these boards helping people with your baby’s sleep story in a few years

Only 1 of my 3 could be put down awake. I don't know if it's because I made a conscious effort since the day he was born, or if it was just him, but the other 2 I could never do that with.

1 baby would not have done this for anything. The other one absolutely. I think it’s their personality and a little bit of our doing. But mostly them.

I think that sleep training of some sort is needed when you have a baby who stirs after a sleep cycle, wakes and can't then go back to sleep without help, at an age when they don't need feeding at that point. 4 months is I think earlier than you need to worry about feed-to-sleep.

I had to do some work with my eldest when she was about 10 months (and I was near broken); that it was the right thing to do was shown by the fact that it only took 3 nights of gradual retreat before she could fall asleep by herself and our nights became much easier. I would say that if you have the kind of baby who needs this help, possibly 6-8 months is the right age for it, not much earlier.

I would have tested that theory out with my second - but he slept easily and well from the start ... I still remember occasions where as a toddler he put himself to bed if we were out of routine for some reason. (teen now ... so all change)

I think the “sleepy but awake” idea was a throw away comment by done arsehole that’s evolved into a form of mental torture when you add in sleep deprivation and a child who hasn’t been told the same advice.
It’s designed to fuck with your head when you can never get it to work.

I fed and cuddled to sleep until around 10 months. When my son was asleep next to me, I would gently move him to his cot.

At 10 months, we bought a cot activity toy which attached to the side of his cot. He loved playing with that, so we'd just leave him to do that until he fell asleep. Bonus was that he'd often play happily with it when he woke up for half an hour or so.

I think 4 months is too young.

White noise and being aware of maximum awake times worked for us. We use the Little Ones app and it’s been a God send.

One of my dcs had to be fed to sleep the other could fall asleep by themself. Dont stress it. Just do what works.
Once the 4 month sleep regression has passed hopefully your baby will go back to being a good sleeper.

I think that we set new mums up to fail by telling them to put the baby down awake, don't rock/feed/pat them to sleep, don't use a dummy, but also don't let them cry. A small minority of babies can go to sleep like this but most can't.

Then you pair this with the safe sleep guidelines which are essentially that you are not allowed do anything which might help a baby sleep better (I'm not saying the guidelines are not needed, obviously, and they're better than the alternative of course - but they do make sleep harder!)

It's basically a recipe for sleep deprivation and possible insanity.

I think it depends on the baby, some do. Some don’t.

Get the Lucy Wolfe sleep guide.

Its gradually progression from rocking/feeding to patting to staying in room to leaving room. 4 months is great time to start it too. 11 month old goes to sleep alone now and has since around 9.5 months. It is not sleep training, there is no crying, just great guidance.

Completely agree with that MovingtoCardiff

I could put dc2 down awake and he’d go to sleep but I’m sure that’s because he spent the first week of his life in special care and got used to being alone
It’s not usual. Other dc co slept and were glued to me at night.
They all sleep happily in their own beds now so you just need to do what you need to do while they’re babies.