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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should prioritise DD?

108 replies

EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:06

To cut a long story short as lost original post...

XH and I split 4 years ago. One DD now 15, neither of us wanted more kids. He very quickly moved on and in with his current partner.

Last year they were approved as foster carers. First through postal with short term, primary aged kids went ok from DDs pov. Then at the beginning of the year they had a 16yo placed with them. It was explicity stated during the assessment stage that it would not be appropriate for them to have a child around the same age as DD.

Initial placement was for 2 weeks, then follow up placement fell through, then Covid happened with the result that FC was with them for 6 month. They are currently in respite before moving on to semi-independent living, although DD's 'stepmum' would be happy to have her back.

DD has found the situation incredibly hard to deal with. They have expected her to fully engage in 'family time' in the limited time she is with them, and she has had to see her dad treating this child in a way he never treated her when we were together (making a huge fuss on her birthday, acquiring a particular item of sports equipment for their garden which he refused to let her have when we were together). Dd has, understandably, dug her heels in and largely refused to engage.

Last week XH asked her how she felt about them continuing with FC. She told him that she finds it difficult and would prefer they didn't but they are going to do so anyway.

She was incredibly upset when she got home so I emailed him and today had a reply (clearly written by his partner), subtly blaming DD for not engaging and stating that they will expect her to do so with future FCs, although her feelings are 'important'. Surely as her father DDs feeling should be a priority, not just important?

Obviously they are perfectly entitled to make the decision they have, and I am not disputing that DD probably could make more effort, but they are the adults here. She has been thrust into a situation not of her choosing, with next to no support and feels sidelined and that she is not being listened to at all.

I wouldn't expect them to give up what they are doing but I think a bit more understanding wouldn't go amiss and that they should take responsibility for helping DD to get the support she needs to adjust to the situation.

AIBU? Am thinking about contacting their social worker to talk it through with her.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 20/07/2020 23:12

I think your dd has been incredibly tolerant, particularly in the face of the fc being given the sporting equipment her not so df refused to get for her.

However, speaking to their social worker is not appropriate, IMO. I would just let your dd decide if she’d rather not go. She has no reason to engage with some random fc. Poor girl. 🙁

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/07/2020 23:20

That's really tough for your daughter. Yes his daughters feelings should be a priority but its tricky and would be sad to not give a child a home that they really needed because of understandable jealousy about play equipment etc. Would you be able to talk to him again and suggest that to get your daughter on board, he needs to spend one on one time with her and try and make a bit of a fuss of her, then when she feels less pushed out and more secure in their relationship, she will probably find it easier to engage with a foster child?

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:21

Shizzle their social worker is also supposed to consider DDs role and best interests in the situation.

Their original one came to my house to meet me when they were being assessed as I had to provide 2 references for XH.

I'm not going to rant about them, just point out that DD is struggling and ask if they can suggest any way to resolve or at least improve the situation.

The word in the email were 'we will be continuing to FC and want DD to accept and respect our decision...she has to understand that sometimes we will be having family time altogether'.

Clearly absolutely no respect for or understanding of her feelings Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:24

Stats XH and I do not exactly have a stellar relationship. I don't think he's ever forgiven me for having the temerity to walk out and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

I could speak to him as reasonably as you like until I was blue in the face and he wouldn't listen, purely to make a point.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 20/07/2020 23:24

Is there a reason the SM is going against the recommendation It was explicity stated during the assessment stage that it would not be appropriate for them to have a child around the same age as DD. And the SW was happy to do so to?

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:29

Titiana I've no idea, which is another thing I'd like to ask the SW about (I haven't met this one).

DD had no real issue with the short term younger kids.

And I agree with PP about it would be shame to prevent a kid having a placement. 'Stepmum' doesn't have kids of her own and has a good skillset for this kind of thing. I've worked in schools for 11 years and met some amazing looked after children who'd I'd have scooped up and taken home myself if I hadn't had DD. My dad grew up in care.

All these reasons are why I tried to be as fair as possible when I was asked to provide references. I could have easily put a spanner in the works at the outset and I've never wanted to do that. But DD is my priority,and if I have to get a bit tiger mum about it, then so be it.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 20/07/2020 23:30

It sounds like you speaking to him will make no difference - you Dd too. I would simply support what your Dd wants to do. Don’t influence her simply support her. They can then accept and respect her decision

katy1213 · 20/07/2020 23:34

I would have hated this as a teenager, especially being ousted as the eldest. Surely it would have been better if they'd fostered a younger child?
I wonder if the sports equipment was funded by social services? I know of one family where this caused huge resentment, where one foster child was provided with expensive trainers etc
I'd definitely contact the social worker. There's no reason at all why your daughter should be expected to play happy families with a succession of young people, some of whom no doubt will be disturbed.

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:40

katy this equipment wasn't specifically for this FC it's just another thing they've acquired for their ongoing plans.

DD has a room there although she rarely stays over and it's currently being partly used as storage for all the toys/equipment for younger kids they might have in future.

The recent FC did have some SEN which DD didnt find easy to be around (nor did XH apparently!)

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/07/2020 23:41

Given the ignored restriction on placing the child with someone dds age id have contacted the social worker long ago. And I’d support my dd to cut contact but I’d send a few carefully worded emails so it’s clear if it came to court that you’ve tried to share that dd feels she is not a priority. She feels you are giving this child the love and care you have never given her, eg fussing on birthdays when she’s had... buying them sports equipment that you had refused to get her. She just wants to feel like she’s your daughter and you love her but every time she goes to your house now it feels the opposite of that.

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:43

I must admit I'm surprised - and really grateful - for the level of support I'm getting on here.

I spent my entire marriage being made to feel as if any disagreement with him was me being totally UR so it's hard to trust my judgement at times, especially with a subject as emotive as this.

OP posts:
june2007 · 20/07/2020 23:48

My parents fostered, they weren,t passed for little ones but got little ones. One wk placements became 2 6 months placements became 18 months. That seemed to be the norm. I do think DD is old enough to understand though.

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 20/07/2020 23:50

In all honesty I think the issue stems as much from the fact that XHhas never put in the time or effort to repair his relationship with DD following our split (he was EA to me which she witnessed on several occasions in the last year of our marriage).

The fostering to 'create a new family of our own' is just the straw that's in danger of breaking the camel's back.

OP posts:
Livingmybestlifenow · 20/07/2020 23:57

Given that you are communicating through email, would your DD feel able to write a response setting out her feelings and concerns, maybe that would be easier than her trying to have a conversation or would be a good prelude to a conversation so she might be able to clearly get her point of view across to them?

LannieDuck · 20/07/2020 23:59

Given she's 15, I think she's old enough to decide whether she wants to spend time with XH when he has FC, or if she prefers not to.

XH and his new wife are making their choices about fostering.
DD is allowed to make her choices too.

LannieDuck · 21/07/2020 00:00

I should clarify, I'm not suggesting you convince her to stop visiting, just that you support her in how she's feeling, and let her decide what she wants to do wrt interacting with XH while he's got FC there.

Love51 · 21/07/2020 00:06

I would look at this from another angle and challenge the placement of a same aged child in your daughter's home. It will have been done because it was seen as the best option for the child being placed, but should not have been done because the assessment said it wasn't appropriate for a child already in that home (DD).
Challenge sounds like a strong word, obviously do it with respect and courtesy. Go straight to social care, they shouldn't have put the fostering couple in a situation where they should have to turn down their first placement child.
Social care knew it wasn't in DDs best interest to have a same aged child, they said so in the assessment. You need to hold them to that.

LadyHonoriaDedlock · 21/07/2020 00:06

When I was working with looked after children (admittedly 10 years ago) it was an absolute NO to Foster children the same age or older than your existing children, and there's good reason for that. I'm sorry this is so difficult and unfair. Is it possible they've not mentioned dd or minimised the time she's with them? It does seem odd. I would absolutely have a conversation with the social worker just to make sure everything is above board.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 00:10

Is it appropriate to contact their social worker?

These are decisions being taken by the couple, as they see best. Is it right for you to intervene?

If you were to move in with a new partner for example, no one would support your ex husband having any sort of say in that even if your DD didn't like it.

How badly will it affect the relationship between your DD and her dad if you disrupt the fostering?

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 21/07/2020 00:15

I've no desire to disrupt the fostering but I've every right to ensure my daughter's best interests are being taken seriously.

The social workers engaged with both DD and I at the outset. If they wanted our input then I dont think its unreasonable to accept some communication and support now.

OP posts:
Original poster
EboracumNovum · 21/07/2020 00:15

expect

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/07/2020 00:19

Is it appropriate to contact their social worker?
Absolutely: this child was not to be placed with a child of the ops dd’s age. But her dad went ahead with it anyway disregarding the requirements at risk to his daughter. It would be poor parenting NOT to contact the social worker.

Original poster
EboracumNovum · 21/07/2020 00:20

Lady H DD sees them twice a week. Either two evenings after school (full days in the holidays), or one evening and a Saturday, alternate weeks.

She has stayed overnight a handful of times but doesn't do so on a regular basis.

I don't know if that would make a difference. What is the reason for no older kids (feel free to PM me if you have a mo and would rather). It would be helpful to know if I'm going to broach the subject with SW.

OP posts:
Chocoholic12 · 21/07/2020 00:25

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Porcupineinwaiting · 21/07/2020 00:27

I've no desire to disrupt the fostering

Excuse me but that's exactly what you are attempting to do and what you think your dad's father should do.

Can I ask what you think will happen if the placement does disrupt? Do you think your dd and her father will develop a better relationship? Because to me it sounds like the damage was done some time ago. Do you really believe that your dd will be happy to engage again once the other child has gone?