To think DH should prioritise DD?

[EboracumNovum]

To cut a long story short as lost original post...

XH and I split 4 years ago. One DD now 15, neither of us wanted more kids. He very quickly moved on and in with his current partner.

Last year they were approved as foster carers. First through postal with short term, primary aged kids went ok from DDs pov. Then at the beginning of the year they had a 16yo placed with them. It was explicity stated during the assessment stage that it would not be appropriate for them to have a child around the same age as DD.

Initial placement was for 2 weeks, then follow up placement fell through, then Covid happened with the result that FC was with them for 6 month. They are currently in respite before moving on to semi-independent living, although DD's 'stepmum' would be happy to have her back.

DD has found the situation incredibly hard to deal with. They have expected her to fully engage in 'family time' in the limited time she is with them, and she has had to see her dad treating this child in a way he never treated her when we were together (making a huge fuss on her birthday, acquiring a particular item of sports equipment for their garden which he refused to let her have when we were together). Dd has, understandably, dug her heels in and largely refused to engage.

Last week XH asked her how she felt about them continuing with FC. She told him that she finds it difficult and would prefer they didn't but they are going to do so anyway.

She was incredibly upset when she got home so I emailed him and today had a reply (clearly written by his partner), subtly blaming DD for not engaging and stating that they will expect her to do so with future FCs, although her feelings are 'important'. Surely as her father DDs feeling should be a priority, not just important?

Obviously they are perfectly entitled to make the decision they have, and I am not disputing that DD probably could make more effort, but they are the adults here. She has been thrust into a situation not of her choosing, with next to no support and feels sidelined and that she is not being listened to at all.

I wouldn't expect them to give up what they are doing but I think a bit more understanding wouldn't go amiss and that they should take responsibility for helping DD to get the support she needs to adjust to the situation.

AIBU? Am thinking about contacting their social worker to talk it through with her.

Your DD is too old to be forced to spend lots of time with someone if she doesn't want to. She is old enough to make her own decisions. If DF and partner have another placement, encourage her to give it a chance and go along the first few times to get to know the child. If it's not working out for her, she could then ask her DF to meet her for a walk or in the park for an ice-cream or something like that instead of the usual arrangements. If he refuses, she may make the decision to stop contact for the duration of the placement.

Of course it is a positive thing that her DF (or mostly his wife, from the sound of it) is doing, giving a home to a child in need. But that doesn't mean your DD has to play 'happy families' with her previously useless dad. Though if she does visit, she needs to be friendly and polite to the FC, who have been through enough.

@Alabamawhirly1

So you ex is fostering a sn child. Providing a much, much needed service - and giving a child a much needed loving home - and your 15 year old reacts with envy over sports equipment.

Your dd is old enough to understand that child needs a home and love and should be more empethetic to the child's circumstances.

You both sound quite selfish and self centred. That child has no loving parents, your dd has two people that love and want to spend time with her and two home. She needs to grow up.

I can only see issue with her having to share with a teenage boy. What's the issue with another girls?

When families are assessed for Foster care, dont SWs take the feelings of their children into account?

Maybe the age of the FC is irrelevant here, it's the way the FC are treated with more loving care than dd was at whatever age. If she thought her dad couldn't help it and that's just his personality maybe she could accept it, but now he is fostering and treating the FC so much better it is making her question their relationship even more.

I would contact the sw and ask if there is support for your dd, as she is struggling. I would support her in making a decision about how she wants to go about spending time with her dad. Let her know she can change the arrangement if she wants to, maybe suggest they go out for dinner together on their own once a week. Help her understand its a nice thing her dad is trying to do, but she doesn't have to be a part of it if she doesn't want to.

I did a placement in family law and saw some truly upsetting things.

The thing I’d be most concerned about is the breaking of the restriction regarding similar age children. There are reasons these safeguards are put in place - to protect both the foster child and the existing child(ren). Both foster and adopted children can (not always) come from some truly horrific situations and the impact on them and their behaviour can be significant and the ways they deal with that trauma can come out in many different ways (understandably). I wouldn’t let this one drop.

In terms on your DD relationship with her dad - she’s 15 now. I would say support her to try to calmly explain why she feels as she does. Maybe a letter so she can get it down logically without getting too upset. Her dad can read it when she’s not there maybe and they might give him time to reflect /calm down. She’s at an age where she can vote with her feet, and if her dad isn’t careful she will. But I’d try to help her have a good relationship with him if possible, and teach her the tools on how to address issues like this in relationships in general.

Could this be just that your daughter didn't hit it off with this fc rather than the age? There are bound to be several future fc that your child has nothing in common with yet yet there could also be children that could be great friends.
You also don't know how much is coming from her stepmum about birthdays and sports equipment. Her stepmum might of arranged the birthday like you used to. Dad might just like taking the credit.
The sports equipment you say is actually for the full family. Dad might of changed his mind after fc wanted it as well and stepmum also said about it.
These situations could of arose if stepmum had had teenage children.

It’s the XH who sounds unbelievably selfish. How is it good for the other girl to be in a foster home with a same-aged daughter who resents her and who, yes, doesn’t live there full time, but she knows will continue to be her foster dad’s actual daughter when she has to move on? I don’t think that’s at all emotionally healthy for her, not to mention the impact on your DD’s feelings, and by social services own rules they shouldn’t have allowed it. If he was fit to be a foster carer your ex husband would understand that but he wants to instead manipulate your daughter so he doesn’t lose his great-guy face to his new wife and the outside world. A man like that has no business with potentially vulnerable looked after children.

@Love51

I would look at this from another angle and challenge the placement of a same aged child in your daughter's home. It will have been done because it was seen as the best option for the child being placed, but should not have been done because the assessment said it wasn't appropriate for a child already in that home (DD). Challenge sounds like a strong word, obviously do it with respect and courtesy. Go straight to social care, they shouldn't have put the fostering couple in a situation where they should have to turn down their first placement child. Social care knew it wasn't in DDs best interest to have a same aged child, they said so in the assessment. You need to hold them to that.

As PP said. Keep the focus on the SW recommendations which keeps things neutral and non personal.

Make sure your DD feels safe and loved with you. This is so important. My SDD was oin the same situation as your DD, she was completely pushed out by foster children which has caused her to rebel and go down a dangerous path in life to prove she mattered, which didn't work. And now she has lost everything. Let her choose if she wants contact or to be there don't force any of it or allow her father to make her do things she doesn't want to she is old enough to know if she wants contact with the FC and get father or not. Good Luck, you are doing amazing for considering her so much she must feel so loved with you

@LannieDuck

Given she's 15, I think she's old enough to decide whether she wants to spend time with XH when he has FC, or if she prefers not to.

XH and his new wife are making their choices about fostering.
DD is allowed to make her choices too.

I think this is the practical solution, albeit pragmatic rather than emotionally satisfying s

DD only has a few years before she will no longer be considered as a child of the family (something that seems dead weird when you have an older teen as part of your household, as we do, but I’m talking SS/child benefit agency/custody & maintenance provision etc) so even if they deferred to DD wishes now, that situation wouldn’t last long.

I think you are best off really pushing on the point that what was agreed to, by you and SS and in the best interest of your daughter is primary age children only for the next couple of years.

And if your DD wants to stay there, they need to buy a shed/garden storage cupboard for the toys and give her her bedroom back.

It’s not acceptable for DD to feel so pushed out, and there is an available compromise that allows them to foster and doesn’t put her back in this position. If they don’t agree to that then they can’t expect her to want to spend any time there at all.

I would contact the social worker, but only in the context of a same-age child being placed. Point out how uncomfortable it's making your daughter.

I'd just ask them to consider Dd when accepting a placement.

Give the examples of the placements she copes well with and ask that they try and accept similar placements to ease her back into feeling comfortable with it.

There’s a dynamic between your Ex and your DD that a younger aged fc is not going to change.

I’m curious as to what type of reference you gave an emotionally abusive man? How is he suitable for caring for vulnerable children?

Speaking to the SW won’t change the fundamental problem and that is your DD’s father will not prioritise her beyond lip service.

Do people really just see ‘foster care’ and turn their brains off?

Yes, being a foster carer is A Good Thing, but people still have a duty to consider the well-being of their own children. ‘Suck it up DD; I’m being all virtuous’ is a dreadful attitude. The DD should feel loved and wanted at her father’s house but he clearly doesn’t want to prioritise that.

Social services should be considering everyone’s needs in foster placements. It is not good for anyone if they’re ignoring the needs of someone’s child (and a 15 year old is a child) because another child needs foster care. Apart from anything else, it suggests a general inability to meet the needs of a child anyway which is worrying in a foster carer.

Nor is the OP being unkind or selfish in looking out for her DD’s well-being. That’s exactly what she should be doing. The DD is lucky she has one parent who will put her first.

@Alabamawhirly1

So you ex is fostering a sn child. Providing a much, much needed service - and giving a child a much needed loving home - and your 15 year old reacts with envy over sports equipment.

Your dd is old enough to understand that child needs a home and love and should be more empethetic to the child's circumstances.

You both sound quite selfish and self centred. That child has no loving parents, your dd has two people that love and want to spend time with her and two home. She needs to grow up.

I can only see issue with her having to share with a teenage boy. What's the issue with another girls?

Well Alabama a child does need love and a home, something the OPs DD is not getting from her father. Her room is a store room now and she's not feeling loved by him either.

From a position of someone who was a child coming from a broken home, I find it appaling that some people are calling out the OP and her daughter for being selfish and not having empathy for a FC in need.

This is not about DD throwing a tantrum and not accepting foster children, this is about a teenage girl being tossed around and treated like unimportant piece of garbage by her own father. I can't believe this man was approved for foster care at all. Given his history of not having a proper relationship with his DD even during the marriage, there were red flags all over the place. The sort of mistreatment DD is facing can cause her a lasting psychological damage.

How is the custody arranged here? DD should be old enough to be legally able to say no to existing visiting arrangements (I was able to state that I don't want to see my father in court). She should not be obliged to participate in his new family charade and SW should be made aware that DD is feeling neglected. OP, is there a SW that was involved in your divorce - I assume there must be one? If so, they should be made aware that DD is not being treated properly, it's not just XH's foster care SW that should be talked to.

It's absolutely amazing to help a foster child, but this is not a competition in how noble you are. You can't play a saint with someone else at the expense of your own child. If this man is incapable of taking care of his own daughter, how is he capable of taking care of a FC? OP's only responsibility is to her DD and she should protect her interests and wellbeing.

You’re not being at all unreasonable and neither is your DD. The SW specifically said that the children they fostered should not be a similar age to DD so you’re well within your rights to contact them and let them know what’s been happening. It sounds like your DD is really being messed around: I reckon your ex and his partner think of themselves as being considerate and kind by asking about DD’s feelings, even though they base absolutely none of their choices on what she might need or want. As far as they’re concerned, simply asking is good enough.

Hi OP

Having read your updates I think it's a good idea to contact the social worker. Yes it's their home but its affecting your daughter which may have an effect on the foster child. They have to find placements that match with all of the family, your daughter is part of that family, and it's reasonable given her age that you speak up for her

Just contact the SW. Both their attitudes towards ypur DD's feelings will be a cause of concern. Because they are showing themselves incapable of putting the needs of their teen DD first. Tbere doesn't seem to be any understanding towards her and that's worrying from a SW perspective.

The majority of Foster placements with teems breaks down and you don't want to break a family up by arranging a placement. This has the potential to do both things.

It's in a FC interests that this is highlighted. All that has to happen is that teen placements don't happen for a few years.

I think work with your DD on her understanding that he is being influenced by his partner and if upto him the piece of equipment wouldn't be there. He isn't a very nice person. Sometimes we compromise to keep hold of our partners. She's at an age were she can understand adult relationships. Her Dad's failing her, sometimes parents do that. From a SW pov, he'll be quite capable of failing a FC.

I'm interested in the reference you gave a man that was emotionally abusive to you and your child.....
To be a bloody Foster parent ??

Actually, that’s a really good point. The last thing children in foster care (who will already have been through a great deal of trauma) need is to be placed with an emotionally abusive foster parent. Do SS know of his history OP?

@ComputersaysRAVE - My thoughts exactly.

@popsydoodle4444

It's not the first time a father who wouldn't step up and be the parent their DC needed/deserved when their parents were together has gone off after the end of a relationship and treated another child better than their own.Usually the new children are SC's rather than FC's but you get the picture.

It must be hard for your DD to watch her dad treated other children better than he's treated her.

Exactly my thoughts. This being a foster child is a red herring, it's a standard issue case of a bloke who refuses to prioritise his own child/ren once he's no longer sleeping with their mother.

I'd speak to the SW now and explain the situation. I also think they should know about his behaviour towards you during the marriage if they don't already.

YADNBU. I feel very sorry for your daughter. Your ex is clearly a self serving virtue signalling git who is trying to guilt trip your daughter in rewriting his own shitty parenting and relationship history.
You need to be much firmer about centering your own daughters needs before bowing down to his. I would follow it up in a much more assertive way with the social workers and be absolutely clear about the age gap policy not being followed and the hugely detrimental affect that it's had on your daughter and your family life. I would also leave themin absolutely no doubt about his EA.

Thanks for the replies. I'm at work at the mo so will read and respond more thoroughly later.

Wrt to his behaviour and references...it was only in the last year of the marriage that DD was aware of the issues and they began to impact her. Aside from that he was a fully engaged parent, and did have some solid good points.

At the time I felt that within the context of a happier, more stable relationship with his new partner he would have something to offer. I guess the subtext of that is that even 3 years later I was still blaming myself for his behaviour.

I also wrote the references when my dad was seriously ill in hospital so maybe my thinking wasn't straight.