To think DH should prioritise DD?

[EboracumNovum]

To cut a long story short as lost original post...

XH and I split 4 years ago. One DD now 15, neither of us wanted more kids. He very quickly moved on and in with his current partner.

Last year they were approved as foster carers. First through postal with short term, primary aged kids went ok from DDs pov. Then at the beginning of the year they had a 16yo placed with them. It was explicity stated during the assessment stage that it would not be appropriate for them to have a child around the same age as DD.

Initial placement was for 2 weeks, then follow up placement fell through, then Covid happened with the result that FC was with them for 6 month. They are currently in respite before moving on to semi-independent living, although DD's 'stepmum' would be happy to have her back.

DD has found the situation incredibly hard to deal with. They have expected her to fully engage in 'family time' in the limited time she is with them, and she has had to see her dad treating this child in a way he never treated her when we were together (making a huge fuss on her birthday, acquiring a particular item of sports equipment for their garden which he refused to let her have when we were together). Dd has, understandably, dug her heels in and largely refused to engage.

Last week XH asked her how she felt about them continuing with FC. She told him that she finds it difficult and would prefer they didn't but they are going to do so anyway.

She was incredibly upset when she got home so I emailed him and today had a reply (clearly written by his partner), subtly blaming DD for not engaging and stating that they will expect her to do so with future FCs, although her feelings are 'important'. Surely as her father DDs feeling should be a priority, not just important?

Obviously they are perfectly entitled to make the decision they have, and I am not disputing that DD probably could make more effort, but they are the adults here. She has been thrust into a situation not of her choosing, with next to no support and feels sidelined and that she is not being listened to at all.

I wouldn't expect them to give up what they are doing but I think a bit more understanding wouldn't go amiss and that they should take responsibility for helping DD to get the support she needs to adjust to the situation.

AIBU? Am thinking about contacting their social worker to talk it through with her.

@Alabamawhirly1

So you ex is fostering a sn child. Providing a much, much needed service - and giving a child a much needed loving home - and your 15 year old reacts with envy over sports equipment.

Your dd is old enough to understand that child needs a home and love and should be more empethetic to the child's circumstances.

You both sound quite selfish and self centred. That child has no loving parents, your dd has two people that love and want to spend time with her and two home. She needs to grow up.

I can only see issue with her having to share with a teenage boy. What's the issue with another girls?

@Alabamawhirly1 - I think you have missed the updates from @EboracumNovum where she says clearly that this particular placement has finished, so she is not being selfish, and you owe her an apology.

You also seem to have missed the fact that it was made clear in the assessment process that it would be inappropriate for a child of similar age to the OP’s dd to be fostered by her dad and stepmother. And other people with experience or expertise in this area have also said that it is not considered good practice to place a foster child who is older than the resident child/ren.

Sorry - posted too soon - I realise that the OP’s dd is not a resident child, but it still makes sense to me that it wouldn’t be the best idea to place an older child where one of the parents has a child of a similar age.

Back again.

DD due to see her so-called father tomorrow for the first time in nearly two weeks. Called him tonight to arrange and guess who she hears in the background?

When she asked him it was clear he had no intention of warning her the FC was back before she goes there tomorrow.

And this is after 2 emails to him.asking him to be more considerate of DD's feelings, and a lengthy conversation with SW regarding the inappropriateness of the age gap and the fact that DD is struggling.

I am absolutely livid. It's only gin that's stopping me driving round to his and having it out with him and his bloody girlfriend this evening.

Oh dear OP. Nothings changed then? Has there been ANY sort of commitment or even willingness to compromise from him? What did the SW say?
Does your daughter want to go now or can she change her mind?

He's been away for week in the interim so only found out I contacted the SW on Monday evening (assuming he read the email I sent letting him know).

I'm almost beginning to wonder if he's doing it on purpose to wind me up and to punish DD for choosing to come with me when I left him.

It sounds like he’s happy to send a clear message to your (and his) DD that she doesn’t really matter. Your poor DD.

It’s not really a surprise that she’s never felt comfortable enough to move towards regular overnight contact, is it?

I wonder if some counselling might be useful to her, to help her to realise that it’s her father (and his skewed priorities) that’s the issue, not anything to do with her. And possibly to help her in determining whether the already limited visits to hers dad’s are something she wants to continue with. It may be that she’d cope better if he just (for example) took her out for dinner (just the two of them) and then dropped her home afterwards. Or something similar that doesn’t force her to confront the fact that he does not and will not choose her as he rubs foster family life on her face.

She doesn’t have to go tomorrow. She can just say I’d rather not, I feel uncomfortable there now you’ve given away my space.

She's spoken to SW this morning which sounds like it was fairly helpful in that she has a better picture now of the issues between DD and XH and how they are being exacerbated/impacted by the situation. She felt that they would benefit from some kind of joint therapy but of course it's not in her remit. It was briefly mentioned between us when we went to Relate just prior to me filing for divorce but he's never done anything about it. He could easily afford to pay private sessions if necessary but I suspect feels it's not his fault there are issues (no doubt blames me).

SW also apparently more or less admitted that the placement of a FC of that age was an error on their part, compounded by failure of system then Covid, so at least that hopefully won't happen again. The bottom line is that XH and partner were aware of the pitfall and could have refused the placement but decided to put their own priorities (fostering for her, money for him) ahead of DDs feelings and wellbeing.

I have suggested to DD that assuming they are going to carry on there will have to be some acceptance of her part. If XH priorities his time with her when she's there, doesn't try and force her to play happy families and there are no more teen FCs then I think that's the best we can hope for.

DD and I will have a chat with the pastoral team at school when she goes back in September. She's had counselling around her dad's behaviour from the local youth support team previously but didn't click with the last person she saw so will see if school counsellor might be an option.

She gets loads of love and support from me and my mum, has a fantastic mentor in her hobby who is like a second grandad (my dad is sadly too ill to engage much and she has only a minimal -albeit good - relationship with her paternal grandfather and virtually none with gran on that side), and plenty of backup from her godparents, aunt and uncle and my closest friends. She'll be alright, it's just so sad that she can't get that from her dad as well.

If at some point she decides to go NC that will be up to her and I will support her.