To think DH should prioritise DD?

[EboracumNovum]

To cut a long story short as lost original post...

XH and I split 4 years ago. One DD now 15, neither of us wanted more kids. He very quickly moved on and in with his current partner.

Last year they were approved as foster carers. First through postal with short term, primary aged kids went ok from DDs pov. Then at the beginning of the year they had a 16yo placed with them. It was explicity stated during the assessment stage that it would not be appropriate for them to have a child around the same age as DD.

Initial placement was for 2 weeks, then follow up placement fell through, then Covid happened with the result that FC was with them for 6 month. They are currently in respite before moving on to semi-independent living, although DD's 'stepmum' would be happy to have her back.

DD has found the situation incredibly hard to deal with. They have expected her to fully engage in 'family time' in the limited time she is with them, and she has had to see her dad treating this child in a way he never treated her when we were together (making a huge fuss on her birthday, acquiring a particular item of sports equipment for their garden which he refused to let her have when we were together). Dd has, understandably, dug her heels in and largely refused to engage.

Last week XH asked her how she felt about them continuing with FC. She told him that she finds it difficult and would prefer they didn't but they are going to do so anyway.

She was incredibly upset when she got home so I emailed him and today had a reply (clearly written by his partner), subtly blaming DD for not engaging and stating that they will expect her to do so with future FCs, although her feelings are 'important'. Surely as her father DDs feeling should be a priority, not just important?

Obviously they are perfectly entitled to make the decision they have, and I am not disputing that DD probably could make more effort, but they are the adults here. She has been thrust into a situation not of her choosing, with next to no support and feels sidelined and that she is not being listened to at all.

I wouldn't expect them to give up what they are doing but I think a bit more understanding wouldn't go amiss and that they should take responsibility for helping DD to get the support she needs to adjust to the situation.

AIBU? Am thinking about contacting their social worker to talk it through with her.

The 16yo FC has already left.

I don't want to prevent them fostering further children, I just want to ensure that my own child's needs and feelings are being considered which is not what is happening at the moment.

She is repeatedly being asked how she feels then totally ignored.

And as many PPs have stated the age of recent FC is a genuine issue and needs to addressed to ensure it doesn't happen again.

To answer another PP, I don't think its unreasonable for an only child of almost 15 years to struggle with the change in circumstances. I do think it's unreasonable for her father to not accept some responsibility in terms of helping to cope with those difficulties.

And yes, I do think its possible she would engage with future FC, given the right support and an age appropriate placement.

She had no issues with the younger kids they had last year.

I don't know how this works or what the correct protocol is for you to follow but my gut feeling is that can you interfere with what goes on in his house?

I.dont know - I'm.going on what people advise where a parent gets into a relationship and wants to introduce the new partner to.the children or an ex moves in with.someone with children and the child is unhappy with arrangements and posters are told that the ex can parent how they see fit while the child is with them.

To me it just seems the only choice DD should have is whether she continues to go there or not, rather than you telling the SW that FC should be limited to below a certain age, but as I said, I don't know the correct procedure. Maybe it is right that you contact the SW. I find it odd that in the age of GDPR they will discuss these things with you but, again, maybe I'm wrong.

I am not telling the SW the FC has to a certain age.

It was clearly stated to all concerned by the assessing social worker, before they were approved that it would categorically not be appropriate or in the best interests of DD for a child of a similar age to be placed with them.

@EboracumNovum

And yes, I do think its possible she would engage with future FC, given the right support and an age appropriate placement.

She had no issues with the younger kids they had last year.

Oh, I see. She was happy to engage with previous FC and seems likely to want to interact with future FC, yet did not wish to interact with the recent one.

Why do you think that was?

It appears that it's not recommended that similar aged children are placed because the resident child is more likely to feel threatened, pushed out and a sense of rivalry.

So I guess that's it, combined with the fact XH has tried to force a relationship with someone she had nothing in common with.

Op I do not agree with previous posters saying don't interfere. Your responsibility is to your DD. Obviously first and foremost you support her yourself and offer her coping strategies. It's also right to do other things which may include contacting the social worker.

There are plenty of younger children who need foster care. It's not like you are saying they can't help anyone. Put your dad first. There are other people whose responsibility it is to out the foster children first. You are your dad's advocate.

DD not dad

Feelingconfused that's exactly how I feel.

I quite willing to encourage her to make an effort but her wellbeing is my priority and quite honestly she's got enough to contend with at moment with GCSEs, covid and a dying grandparent without having to deal with her father's total lack of understanding.

If I'd wanted to stop them foster carer I could have been considerably more forthright with my references eighteen months ago, but I do appreciate they're trying to do a good thing.

I just won't let my DD become collateral damage.

EboracumNovum

Is your ex DH a bit vengeful and vindictive?

Is he specifically feeling a bit entertained by the fact you are finding his “new family life” difficult to cope with ?? To convince himself that you regret leaving him ?

And doesn’t give a damn about how this all affects dd ?

I actually think that he's got a chip on his shoulder because DD chose to leave with me when our marriage broke down. It may not be a co scouts thing but I suspect it's there.

Unfortunately she was old enough to be aware of his behaviour towards me (it was that awareness that pushed me to leave).

I had hoped that with then tension between us out of the way he and DD would eventually rebuild their relationship but he's put very little effort in imho and is now hellbent on creating a new family and has told DD as much.

The only thing I struggle to cope with about his new family life is the impact on DD. I am very happily single with a lovely little home, DD, two gorgeous cats and a hobby I absolutely love that takes up most of my spare time.

*conscious

Wtf is co scouts???!

So you ex is fostering a sn child. Providing a much, much needed service - and giving a child a much needed loving home - and your 15 year old reacts with envy over sports equipment.

Your dd is old enough to understand that child needs a home and love and should be more empethetic to the child's circumstances.

You both sound quite selfish and self centred. That child has no loving parents, your dd has two people that love and want to spend time with her and two home. She needs to grow up.

I can only see issue with her having to share with a teenage boy. What's the issue with another girls?

Yeh I suspect there is more to their “new family” than meets the eye and I have a feeling your DD is being messed around.

I’m projecting though.

I admire your keen attitude on not wanting her to be collateral damage. Pls trust your gut and don’t feel pressured to let her suck it up.

It does sound like scoring points to me

I suspect your EXH is being (perhaps unwittingly, although I suspect not so much) EA towards your DD. He is constantly putting her in her place by showing her how little her feelings and needs are respected. She must feel constantly humiliated and second best while in his presence. Whether it is because she chose to live with you, or simply because she is a female I don’t know. She was refused the sporting equipment, but it is ok for the FC. She has a room, but it’s being used to store equipment for future FC. The message she is receiving very loudly spelled out is that she is definitely not good enough.

It's not the first time a father who wouldn't step up and be the parent their DC needed/deserved when their parents were together has gone off after the end of a relationship and treated another child better than their own.Usually the new children are SC's rather than FC's but you get the picture.

It must be hard for your DD to watch her dad treated other children better than he's treated her.

Alabamawhirly1

I disagree! OP doesn’t sound selfish at all, she sounds protective of her DD being potentially emotionally manipulated/abused.

If her ex has history of emotional abuse then this isn’t far fetched, as those idiots see the daughter as an extension of the mother.

Tricky situation op.

My advice would be to precisely confirm to your dd that she has been neglected by her father as a result of the messy divorce and that she should talk it out with him..

She should tell him “I needed you to be there for me, I needed you to make me feel safe and secure, I wanted to have my normal life and I wanted to feel like I have a dad like every other child.. and now that you’re back to building a relationship with me, I feel brushed aside as you try to be that father figure to someone else but deny that to me...”

I wish I knew how to express myself to my dad. I tried to say how I feel once and his response was

“You deserve it, you chose your mum over me and now you need to see me enjoy my family”.

So he did see me as a way to further emotionally abuse my mother. It was very conscious. He just convinced himself I’m not worth his effort to try at least be fair and the effort he was putting to his “new family” is worth it because he got something out of it

In reality, he is also using the child as an extension of his new wife.. it’s worth putting effort to “her child” and no effort to “ur child”.

Whixh means he isn’t being a father figure at all

Just a little boy, manipulating his way into affection with no regards to the consequences

It’s like a little toddler poking and prodding at the newborn to get attention from the parent..

No regard to his the newborn feels because the empathy isn’t there. Empathy isn’t there for the other child either m.

So my advice would be... recognise that your ex DH has a huge ego that he is taking out on your DD because she is craving his attention as a father.

Make her independent and support her to gain her confidence from
Else where

And teach her to recognize emotional abuse red flags

You should speak to the SW, unfortunately the pressure on children services to find placements is very high especially with a hard to place teenager. A less than ideal placement for what should have been a short term may have been considered the best option at the time, unfortunately the current pandemic extended that planned time, otherwise teenaged children often have to be found a foster placement out of the area. This obviously carries a higher cost for the local authority and can interfere with any organised contact the young person might have with their parents or siblings . Really your ex and his partner should have said no to the placement, but I understand it can be hard for new foster carers who are put under pressure. The welfare of existing children in the home should always be taken into account, whether they are biological children or other children in foster placement.

As a social worker I think you should absolutely contact the social worker as the recent situation was never going to be in your dd's best interests, which is why the guidelines around age differences exist.
Placements are hard to come by which is why dc end up where they really shouldn't.
But letting the SW know that the placement caused emotional issues for your dc is absolutely the right thing to do, her DF should be doing this as well.

Alabama it wasn't envy...it was hurt.

XH is very sporty, DD not so much but they used to enjoy certain events together. That stopped as soon as we split.

The equipment in question was for the one sport that DD enjoyed playing, that XH has also enjoyed when he was younger.

He wouldn't allow us to have the item in question when we were together for no reason other than it might disturb the neighbours (it wouldn't have). I loathe sport and it was even something I would have had a go at.

He never engaged much with her birthdays, leaving all the planning and paying for everything up to me, and invariably moaning about the end result, yet he could do it for someone else.

It's not hard to see why that would be painful.

Thanks lakeside magic and the other SWs who've responded.

I can see why the placement happened. XHs partner has worked with SN adults and had it not been for the impact on DD it probably would have been a really positive placement (although even they struggled and seem to be looking at the whole thing through rose tinted spectacles now it's over).

I'm quite willing to give DD a toe up the bum about being a bit more tolerant (eg if they have younger FCs in future, she quite liked the toddler), but not at the expense of her emotional needs and wellbeing.

The reply email was from his new partner, not DD’s father. She is driving the fostering, not him and because he is in a new relationship he is putting on his best behaviour and playing the role of perfect foster father.
Sadly many men see their children as an extension of the mother. He was EA when you were together so he was disengaged and awkward with your DD before and after your relationship ended.
Contact the social worker. It doesn’t mean that they can’t foster anymore, just that a more age appropriate child is placed with them. Or support your DD to stop contact if that’s what she wants.

The reply email was from his new partner, not DD’s father.

Oh yes, it absolutely was. I was with him for twenty years, there's no way he wrote the reply.

He was jealous of mine and DDs relationshio even when we were married sadly.

Contacting the social worker seems a good idea. As you say, they need to factor your daughter into fostering decisions, and you are certainly entitled to ask that in future they comply with their own entirely sensible requirement that fostered children shouldn't be around your daughter's age.