To think DH should prioritise DD?

[EboracumNovum]

To cut a long story short as lost original post...

XH and I split 4 years ago. One DD now 15, neither of us wanted more kids. He very quickly moved on and in with his current partner.

Last year they were approved as foster carers. First through postal with short term, primary aged kids went ok from DDs pov. Then at the beginning of the year they had a 16yo placed with them. It was explicity stated during the assessment stage that it would not be appropriate for them to have a child around the same age as DD.

Initial placement was for 2 weeks, then follow up placement fell through, then Covid happened with the result that FC was with them for 6 month. They are currently in respite before moving on to semi-independent living, although DD's 'stepmum' would be happy to have her back.

DD has found the situation incredibly hard to deal with. They have expected her to fully engage in 'family time' in the limited time she is with them, and she has had to see her dad treating this child in a way he never treated her when we were together (making a huge fuss on her birthday, acquiring a particular item of sports equipment for their garden which he refused to let her have when we were together). Dd has, understandably, dug her heels in and largely refused to engage.

Last week XH asked her how she felt about them continuing with FC. She told him that she finds it difficult and would prefer they didn't but they are going to do so anyway.

She was incredibly upset when she got home so I emailed him and today had a reply (clearly written by his partner), subtly blaming DD for not engaging and stating that they will expect her to do so with future FCs, although her feelings are 'important'. Surely as her father DDs feeling should be a priority, not just important?

Obviously they are perfectly entitled to make the decision they have, and I am not disputing that DD probably could make more effort, but they are the adults here. She has been thrust into a situation not of her choosing, with next to no support and feels sidelined and that she is not being listened to at all.

I wouldn't expect them to give up what they are doing but I think a bit more understanding wouldn't go amiss and that they should take responsibility for helping DD to get the support she needs to adjust to the situation.

AIBU? Am thinking about contacting their social worker to talk it through with her.

I’m not blaming you at all for writing a good reference for him OP - sorry if that wasn’t clear. I know how hard it can be when you’re convinced the abuse is your fault and the perpetrator is a good person.
What I’m asking is if you think it might be worthwhile mentioning the abuse to SS now - would you be comfortable doing that? Admittedly it might not make a difference (speaking from bitter experience...) but it could be best for them to know all of the facts involved. Entirely up to you though.

I’m a foster carer and generally the purpose of a foster child being younger is because they will need a lot of attention and it’s to prevent the birth children from being too jealous of them, and to stop them being jealous of younger birth children. Often fc will need to be nurtured and ‘babied’ in certain ways so it is best for them to be younger.

My foster children are actually older than my birth child but that’s because I already had them when I got pregnant. With hindsight my younger foster son would be better off as the youngest in a household as there have been some jealousy issues and I can’t fully trust him around my daughter even though he is a lot older. But by the time she arrived he’d already been with me a few years so it would have been more damaging all round for him to move elsewhere.

It’s doubtful the placement was made in anyone’s best interests, more that your ex had a space and said yes. SWs are often willing to overlook the age of child a carer was approved for and will put them wherever there is a place. Your ex and his partner had the right to say no to a child that age but obviously chose to take the placement.

@Alabamawhirly1

Your comment is so out of touch

I'd speak to the SW now and explain the situation. I also think they should know about his behaviour towards you during the marriage if they don't already.

Well op gave him references. How does she now disclose abuse as a reason for her thinking FC isn't a good idea?

The references weren't a hundred percent glowing...I think it was fairly obvious what the issues were I just also mentioned the good stuff and left the worst examples (of which there were only a handful, always directed specifically at me) out of the equation.

They then asked to meet with me to discuss the references further. I certainly wasn't dishonest, just tried to be as fair as possible in very difficult circumstances

Why on earth did you provide him with a reference to foster when he's emotionally abusive?!

That's a HUGE error on your behalf - one which is now impacting your daughter.

They take references from exes with a pinch of salt anyway unless you say anything absolutely awful about them, as they realise exes might not be totally positive about someone they’re no longer with.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I'd speak to the SW now and explain the situation. I also think they should know about his behaviour towards you during the marriage if they don't already.

Well op gave him references. How does she now disclose abuse as a reason for her thinking FC isn't a good idea?

I didn't say she should disclose as a reason she now thinks FC is a bad idea. It's not her call anyway. I said she should disclose so SS have that information. It will then be for them to decide what to do with it.

I've called the FC agency and am speaking with SW later this afternoon.

Wow. So he’s happy to play the doting foster father and get all the accolades that come from that, poor little foster kid lucky she got such wonderful parents! But sod his actual blood kin.

Glad you’re speaking to the SW. This has the potential to completely ruin the relationship your daughter has with her father for the rest of her life. Of course he can’t see that, clearly his way is best no arguments.

@EboracumNovum

I've called the FC agency and am speaking with SW later this afternoon.

Fingers crossed for a good result OP.

Well, SW has suggested she meet with DD to discuss things, then have a meeting with all three of them (X & P are away at the moment).

Apparently the age of the FC relative to the bio child is not considered particularly important in the case of a non resident child. X & P were given the option of declining the recent placement but chose to take it on despite the previous conversations on the subject.

I was informed by SW that they 'will be continuing to foster and they are very good at it'. I told her that with the best will in the world I'm not interested in their abilities as foster parents but in their ability and willingness to provide emotional support to DD regarding the situation she has been put in by them. I also got the feeling the part of the reason for the disinterest in DDs feeling is the fact that she doesn't stay overnight regularly. I guess she is seen as a visitor rather than part of the family

I stressed that I really didn't want to bugger up their plans but that someone needed to look out for DD's wellbeing and I didn't feel it was happening beyond lip service. Also told her that I felt his relationship with DD post our divorce had not fully healed before they took the decision for foster.

She seems quite understanding of the situation but how much will actually be done going forward I'm not so sure.

They should have told said no to taking a child that couldn't live with someone your DDs age, what a cunt your EXH is and a terrible father

Took the words right out of my mouth Arya.

He's priority is clearly keeping his partner happy (as that way he keeps a roof over his head and money in the bank)

You did the right thing by fighting DD’s corner.

Maybe it’s best she just stays home - hope her dad is paying maintenance because he doesn’t seem to be helping in any other way!

I also got the feeling the part of the reason for the disinterest in DDs feeling is the fact that she doesn't stay overnight regularly. I guess she is seen as a visitor rather than part of the family

That is really sad. Maybe she could consider that the fostering is contributing to your DD’s unwillingness to stay at her father’s and making her into an occasional visitor.

Clearly the SW is thinking only about placing foster children and not your DD’s relationship with her father. Tbh, that doesn’t sound like a brilliant social worker really. It doesn’t matter how wonderful they might be as foster carers; they are clearly pretty shit at being parents/step-parents (it might not be a coincidence that no one pays you or sings your praises for just looking after your own kid properly).

DD isn't wildly keen on the SW, although I've told her that I've spoken to her and she would like to chat with her if she wants to ahead of meeting with them all. DD has yet to express a preference on that front.

The original social worker when they were being assessed was a lovely guy in his twenties who seemed to have a much better grasp of things from DDs POV.

Tbf she's never stayed regularly with her dad, about 5 times in 4 years I think, due to his behaviour when we were together.

SW isn't going to contact them while they're on holiday...I'm not sure if I should reply to email and mention that I've spoken to her, leave a note at theirs for them on their return or just lots contact them and tell them I've been in touch.

DD actually said to me this afternoon that she feels like he doesn't want her. She seemed angry rather than upset but still...

I have such a close relationship with my own dad and it's heartbreaking to watch theirs unravel.

I think all I can do now is support DD as best I can and hope for the best.

Tbf she's never stayed regularly with her dad, about 5 times in 4 years I think, due to his behaviour when we were together.

Sorry, but it seems completely unreasonable to expect them to keep a bedroom for her if she stays, on average, once a year.

I've never particularly expected them to keep a room for her. I don't know if it's always been hers but I know a big song and dance was made about it during the assessment process under the heading of it being important that she has her own space there. She uses it to study and as a bolt hole wrt the recent FC when things have been tricky.

There were many promises of XH taking her out to get some bits and bob's and properly make it hers - an offer which never materialised and never occurred prior to them being desperate to foster.

Although I wasn't comfortable with her staying overnight with XH initially she did for the first time about a year after we split in our old house, and then he officially moved in with his partner.

I've never expressed a preference either way and XH has done nothing to encourage her to stay more frequently. Frankly it would be a godsend for me if she did but I'm certainly not going to push her into it.

It kind of changes the dynamic somewhat now you’ve said she generally only stays over once a year . Does she still visit regularly just not stay over?

She sees him twice a week.

She is still his daughter, I fail to see how her feelings are unimportant because she is not there all the time.

Absolutely @EboracumNovum! how many threads do you see when step parents are shouted down for not keeping a room permanently for a NR child? So it's more important that they have storage for something that may happen then his actual child has a bedroom?

The thing is, it's not just a bedroom, it's her little bit of space round there. She has the smallest room which is absolutely fair enough, and it means she has a bolt hole and can also study round there which is pretty important as she's doing her GCSEs!

@EboracumNovum I’m not disagreeing with you, my earlier comment says exactly that. I was clarifying because the way you mentioned that she stays over only once or so a year it wasn’t clear that she still visits regularly.

Ah right.

She's always seen him twice a week - two evenings from school pick up onwards or one and a Saturday on an alternating weeks basis. During the holiday she goes full days on the week days.

This was the arrangement she and I were comfortable with and he agreed to at the outset of our separation. He has never made any attempt to improve/increase the level contact they have.

I hoped that he would take some time out, even if it was just six months living on his own somewhere rented, and use that time to rebuild his relationship with DD. When we had a last ditch attempt at Relate prior to me filing for divorce there was even talk of him attending with DD for family therapy.

Nothing ever materialised. He moved in with his partner well before we were divorced and the family home was sold (which he lied about and was extremely difficult over house, indirectly to the detriment of DD's wellbeing - whole other story - we were living elsewhere but in stressful circumstances). Even since the room situation he's never made any effort to make it feel like hers, never invited her to join them for weekends away or holidays. We planned our own holiday around his (significant) birthday one year, but he arranged an adult night out on the day itself rather than something that included her, although managed to include her the previous year when the big fostering announcement was made .

I really hope DD can open up to the social worker and they can find a way forward that works for everyone, but I'm beginning to feel I need to resign myself to the fact I might have to support her through an entirely different scenario.