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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this might be financial abuse

125 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 21:51

Firstly I am aware that some people are suffering far more than me. I am just starting to get a bit frustrated with the situation I am in and want to know whether I am overreacting...

DH and I share all our money but have our own savings accounts. I earn a lot less than him and we have what I consider to be a fair arrangement about who pays for what, he pays a lot more. We don't have lots of disposable income so DH is understandably concerned we don't overspend. My concern is that he insists on knowing all my passwords and logins for all my accounts and he intermittently checks them. He will text me and ask me if there's a transaction he doesn't recognise. He says it's because he's checking it's right but I feel checked up on and claustrophobic about it. I am responsible for all purchases for the family (clothes/food/ household items) and I feel that he doesn't really get how much things cost and is constantly moaning about my spending.

The reason for me posting today is because I checked my savings account last night and changed the password. I wrote the new password down and filed it away. Earlier today I got a text from the bank with a verification code which was the type you get when trying to log in. Shortly after DH rang me (in my opinion because he realised he had been foiled) and asked me for the code saying he was just checking the balance. I asked why and he said he was just checking accounts. I feel uneasy, he obviously rooted through my filing and found the password. Was he checking up on me? He knew I had been sorting money last night online.

On the one hand DH has always told me the truth and hasn't lied about this so I'm clearly overreacting but I just want some freedom to spend (even if it's more than I should) without feeling like I have to explain myself later and I had changed to password just to psychologically keep that account private but now he's got the password and if I change it again he will know and think I am hiding something and I'm not, I just want privacy.

OP posts:
Commentutappelles · 20/07/2020 21:54

He checks your personal accounts? Fuck that!! If you choose to share the information with him, that's up to you, but not a chance would I have someone going through my spending and querying it. Change your password and do not tell him what it is and do not write it down where he can find it.

Daisychains20 · 20/07/2020 21:56

So if I read correctly you both have joint money and a savings account each. He is checking your savings account? Which is for you to do what you want with it correct? If you buy something from it what does he say?

Do you have the password for his savings account? If not then why?

Busymum45 · 20/07/2020 21:56

Yes it is financial abuse and a sign of control. I'd have a good discussion about it .

D4rwin · 20/07/2020 21:57

No. That's not financial abuse. It's coercive control.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 20/07/2020 21:58

Your account in your own name is not his business. Please tell him just that...
You aren't a child and he isn't your parent.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 21:58

@d4rwin what's the difference?

OP posts:
itstrue · 20/07/2020 22:06

I changed my passwords after my dh would do this as well. It's horrible.

Stay strong and keep your password to yourself.

TokyoSushi · 20/07/2020 22:06

Ooh no OP, that's really not right.

AbbieLexie · 20/07/2020 22:06

Do you have his passwords / access codes for accounts? Do you have access to all financial information? Are you sure you are fully cognizant of your family finances? Control & red red flags are highlighted here.

longwayoff · 20/07/2020 22:08

I thought all the men who did this kind of thing had died out. Evidently not. Do it to him. What? He doesn't want you to do that? Thought not. You need to stop it and spend your money how you choose to.

AIMD · 20/07/2020 22:11

Have you spoken to him about how him checking your accounts and questioning you about the spending feels? If yes what has he said. The behaviour itself is a red flag.

Do you have access to his accounts, can you question his spending too or is it a one way street?

I guess this could be financial abuse on the other hand it could be someone who is very anxious about his families finances trying to keep you within a budget? Who manages payments for mortgage/rent/bills etc?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/07/2020 22:12

Fuck explaining my transactions to anyone- why the hell he thinks you need him to keep an eye on things is beyond me.
Do you check and question his- not that this would make it ok- ?

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:13

Do you have his passwords / access codes for accounts? Do you have access to all financial information? Are you sure you are fully cognizant of your family finances?

No. I don't have his logins. If pushed he would give me them but whether he would move money first I don't really know. I know his income because I've seen payslips and I don't think there's anything dodgy going on, but no I don't know. He isn't a big spender and we have a lot of bills.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/07/2020 22:15

I'm not sure what you'd call it but it's definitely not healthy. He clearly doesn't trust you to deal with money properly. There isnt any back story around you having loads of debt or a gambling issue is there? Would he be happy for you to root around in his finances and ask you to justify every purchase? It would piss me off all the more about kids stuff that he had no involvement in. In my view, he can have it both ways. Get involved in buying everything for the kids as often as you do, and give you all his passwords for you to spot check his savings. Or butt out and leave you to it

DancingInDespair · 20/07/2020 22:18

I don't think it's particularly financially abusive, but it's controlling. If you pool an agreed amount, then what you do with the money that remains in your account is your business.

Is he controlling in any other way?

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:18

Have you spoken to him about how him checking your accounts and questioning you about the spending feels?

Yes, he says he is just worried about our finances. Money is tight.

can you question his spending too or is it a one way street? He really isn't a big spender. If I go on a night out he will ask something about spending, something like " was it an expensive night?" "Did your friend buy you a drink?" But I would never ask because I don't really care. If he overspent surely that's his problem, I've got enough to think about. I don't think he would mind if I asked though.

Who manages payments for mortgage/rent/bills etc? These are all DDS out of our joint account. We both have access to it. He checks it regularly, I have less overview but could if I wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:21

There isnt any back story around you having loads of debt or a gambling issue is there? Definitely not a gambling issue and we have shared debt but nothing adverse and good credit ratings.

I think you're right he is just very over cautious with money but I feel so claustrophobic.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 20/07/2020 22:22

Bang out of order. So he's the kind of all the money is he? He can spend what he pleases but gets to micromanage every penny you spend? Nope. Change your passwords to something you'll remember, dont write it down. Or write it in the notes in your phone if you have to.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:25

Is he controlling in any other way? Not really. He is organised and likes things done a certain way. I'm much more laid back. It causes a lot of conflict.

OP posts:
AIMD · 20/07/2020 22:26

Being constantly questioned and your spending and having your accounts checked is an issue for you, so it needs sorting out. However, if money is tight and he is the one managing paying all the bill I can see why he might be anxious about what is being spent. Maybe he’s scared you won’t have enough.

Maybe you could suggest sharing the financial responsibility by working together to agree a shared budget. Money for bills/household/children could go in a joint account. Any additional for you or him to spend individually can go in your own accounts and he doesn’t need access to that or to question you about how it’s used???

As you said he doesn’t seem to realise how much some of the household/children’s things cost if you were involved in making the budget you could give him more realistic expectations about the cost of those things.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/07/2020 22:26

He is organised and likes things done a certain way Hmm seems like there may be more here

Still1nLove · 20/07/2020 22:28

Be honest with him and tell him his checking on you is making you feel claustrophobic.

I don’t agree with him checking all of your purchases, and definitely not ‘finding’ your new password.

Still1nLove · 20/07/2020 22:30

If him liking things a ‘certain way’ is causing conflict, then perhaps there are more problematic control issues here

2pinkginsplease · 20/07/2020 22:31

Change your password and don’t tell him it, that is your own personal savings account and has nowt to do with him.

You don’t have access to his own private account.

You have agreed a set amount to pay bills from your joint account and as long as you spend what each month then whatever you have left is your money. Same as his is his money,

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:35

@AIMD I think that's fair. He is worried and money is tight. We are in our overdrafts by the end of most months and have debts (although we are paying them off gradually they aren't increasing) the thing is that I am a 36 year old adult and if I treat myself to something I feel this guilt that I know I am gonna have to tell him and he is gonna be cross and its wearing me down. I don't have store cards and I don't have a credit card that I use (my debt is £1500 on an interest free credit card and I don't miss payments so it reduces every month) so if I chose to buy myself some shoes with my own money or even my own overdraft I don't see why I should feel sick with guilt.

I hardly ever buy anything for myself and almost always get second hand stuff when I need it so please don't get the impression that I am some kind of shopaholic! I actually can't remember the last time I bought myself a new item of clothing but it was before lockdown definitely.

OP posts:
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