To ask if this might be financial abuse

[Feelingconfused2020]

Firstly I am aware that some people are suffering far more than me. I am just starting to get a bit frustrated with the situation I am in and want to know whether I am overreacting...

DH and I share all our money but have our own savings accounts. I earn a lot less than him and we have what I consider to be a fair arrangement about who pays for what, he pays a lot more. We don't have lots of disposable income so DH is understandably concerned we don't overspend. My concern is that he insists on knowing all my passwords and logins for all my accounts and he intermittently checks them. He will text me and ask me if there's a transaction he doesn't recognise. He says it's because he's checking it's right but I feel checked up on and claustrophobic about it. I am responsible for all purchases for the family (clothes/food/ household items) and I feel that he doesn't really get how much things cost and is constantly moaning about my spending.

The reason for me posting today is because I checked my savings account last night and changed the password. I wrote the new password down and filed it away. Earlier today I got a text from the bank with a verification code which was the type you get when trying to log in. Shortly after DH rang me (in my opinion because he realised he had been foiled) and asked me for the code saying he was just checking the balance. I asked why and he said he was just checking accounts. I feel uneasy, he obviously rooted through my filing and found the password. Was he checking up on me? He knew I had been sorting money last night online.

On the one hand DH has always told me the truth and hasn't lied about this so I'm clearly overreacting but I just want some freedom to spend (even if it's more than I should) without feeling like I have to explain myself later and I had changed to password just to psychologically keep that account private but now he's got the password and if I change it again he will know and think I am hiding something and I'm not, I just want privacy.

He is being an arse and you know it.

Switch around some responsibilities - he can do all the meal planning and shopping for starters...

"Yikes. He sound like a discipline master instead of a husband*

Yep. I do feel a bit like one of the children. He comes up when I am putting the kids to bed and tells me I am taking too long or tells us off for making too much noise. Today after he had done this DD heard his footsteps on the landing again and thought he was coming back so she told me to shush as if I was her sibling.

If a bank account is solely in your name

The banks strongly recommend that you never give the passwords & PIN to anyone
This is to guard against fraud, abuse, scammers etc

So that advice includes not giving that information to your spouse, partner, children, significant other !

Be aware

@Feelingconfused2020

You should outright tell him you’ve changed the password and that he isn’t having the password to your private account and you won’t be answering questions about what the money budgeted for you is spent on

I can't explain why but I couldn't do this. I think he would be so hurt. I think it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship.

This is worrying. You can’t have reasonable financial boundaries because you think it would end your relationship. That is a problem. Often when one person in a family has more control over finances it is because they have taken responsibility for managing the families finances but this situation seems to have gone beyond that. It is unreasonable that you don’t feel you can have your own account that he won’t demand access to. It does sound more like financial abuse now (or control as someone else suggested depending on the other aspects of your relationship).

@Baarbarella20 but surely you only keep things secret from your partner if you have something to hide. He is my spouse so.its half his anyway.

My husband used to do this, he did the same with my emails too. When we first got together we were 19 and he didn't have a bank account or email and just shared mine. Then when he got his own he just sort of kept checking mine too and it felt hard to ask him to stop.

He'd see money in my bank and mentally ring fence it and then would ask where it had gone if I spent it and while he never actually said anything nasty he'd be like "what's this £4 in Costa?" "£2 on iTunes?" So I started logging into his account and going "£3 a week in newspapers?" "£3 in the petrol garage?" And he didn't like it but continued to check sometimes behind my back and I know this because the last login would show.

So I simply changed my passwords and PIN numbers and the single time he asked for them I told him I'm good but if I need his help managing my account and emails in the future I'll ask him for it. He never asked again and it's been fifteen years since he last checked behind my back. I said we either go through both accounts together a few times a week and justify every transaction to each other or he accepts that we are both adults capable of managing our own accounts and correspondence and he chose the latter.

Your passwords should consist of

Capital letter
No words, don't use children or pet names
Numbers
Minimum 8 characters, more if you can
A non letter or number such as !
If necessary use a password generator

Of course you're entitled to privacy.
He treats you like a child.
You behave like a child.
Change your passwords.

Tell him, "I want some privacy " from now on.

I bet he's on there daily checking your every financial move.. he might as well have installed cameras in every room of your home..

This is pretty much how I feel. It's hard to explain really, it's little things. Yesterday I nipped out somewhere and on the way planned to stop at the shop. He overheard me say I would nip to the shop and it was instantly "why are you going to the shop? Which shop?" Then if I get annoyed he'll say I'm being touchy and he was only asking and obviously it's fine for him to know which shop but I just feel claustrophobic!

but surely you only keep things secret from your partner if you have something to hide. He is my spouse so.its half his anyway.

If this is what you truly think OP... then why are you on here asking us ?

This would cause some very big arguments in our house. We have a joint account for all bills and household spending then an account each for our own personal spending money. Although we would give each other access if it was requested, neither of us have ever asked.

As you don't feel able to face this head on (which is worrying by the way, because you basically said if you directly say aren't happy with his behaviour he will be so hurt it will likely end your relationship), I would try the following:

Change your password and keep it to yourself.
Tell your DH he's making you feel claustrophobic and as though he doesn't trust you financially so you want to swap responsibilities for 3 months. Ask him to take over food shopping and clothing the dc.

I think it's very easy to become frustrated with the cost of things if you're out of touch because you don't actually go and buy them.

He clearly feels he could do better so let him.

@WhatRhymesWithTerf

told him I'm good but if I need his help managing my account and emails in the future I'll ask him for it

that sounds like good advice. I'm glad it worked for you. Was he controlling in other ways?

Some of me thinks it stems from getting together fairly young and being very close in our early relationship. We saw it as romantic to share everything. I just don't anymore.

This isn’t about money. It’s about control. Tell me more about the things he likes done a certain way, that are NOT financially related?

He really likes to rule the roost by the sounds of it OP.
I’m also guessing money isn’t tight- it’s just what he tells you in order to try and justify his controlling ways- £1500 on a credit card is not substantial

@BumbleBeee69 good point. I just think that's what he will think and he has a point in one sense.

I suppose it's a bit like going to the toilet. He knows I poo, but I'd rather he didn't watch me do it. it's privacy isn't it? The right to your own space.

If you want to stop being treated like a child you need to start pulling him up on it every time he does it. I’m sorry but he sounds horribly controlling and disrespectful and gives the impression he sees you as a lesser being, so I doubt he'll take being challenged by you very well. But do you really want to live being treated like this - and pitied by your children - for the next 40+ years?

I would be asking him "who made you the boss?"

Him telling you that you are taking too long to put the DC to bed I would be telling him it's his job from now on!!!

@Suewiththeredford I don't think there's anything. Money is the big conflict in our home. The other thing is the children. We disagree on how to discipline. It's causes a lot of conflict. He thinks I'm too soft and easy and tells me so. In front of them sometimes. I think he shouts too much and gets angry when he should be understanding.

He does also call me into the room if I've left a mess such as spilled some coffee by the kettle (I've done this a couple.of times) . He hates coffee and calls me back to show me the mess I've made. I suppose that's a bit controlling. He tends to just clear up the kids mess but will later ask me why I didn't do it and that causes conflict too because the answer is I was busy homeschooling or playing with them and put housework as a lower priority than he feels I should.

We are basically really badly suited aren't we

good point. I just think that's what he will think and he has a point in one sense.

well if this is the case and you actually believe this.. then what is the point in you having your own separate bank accounts.. get rid of yours and he gets rid if his ....tell him you want all the money in one account... sorted

[quote Feelingconfused2020]@Baarbarella20 we used to share everything in one joint account. It worked ok pre kids because we had lots of disposable income and fairly equal spending. Now I have to justify everything I buy for the kids. A few years ago I got fed up of justifying every t shirt and pair of socks I bought for the DCs so we rearranged finances but he has all the logins so still checks. It's kind of crept up on me so it's like it was again.[/quote]
Looks like he thinks that they're your kids. Fuck that, he's controlling you and, yes it's probably borderline financial abuse.
You need to go back and "rearrange" your finances again. They are his children too. He should pay for necessary stuff for them. Your children are not solely your financial responsibility.
When you do rearrange your finances, change all your passwords and don't give him access.

I clear up the kids mess too and so do they, I'm just talking about occasions where that hasn't happened for one reason or another.

Thank you everyone. I will change passwords and I feel more empowered to tell him how claustrophobic I am feeling at the weekend. The kids are at my mum's so it's the perfect opportunity.

We seem to have just fallen into this really weird dynamic and it's ruining our relationship. I'm glad this thread has convinced me to say something again but also to take action.

Could you try an alternative way of giving him sight of the spending on food and children's clothing and shoes? How about keeping receipts for all the shopping you do for family needs in a file or folder which he can look at if he wants to? That way he'd know the cost of things and what the money is going on but he wouldn't be in your bank account.

That could maybe solve that particular problem but beyond that he sounds controlling from what you say about ticking you off and checking on you upstairs. I would guess that this is part of his personality and a compulsive trait but it is something he could possibly be trained out of over time. Wouldn't be easy though.

This isn’t good OP. He sounds very controlling. Because you got together young you’ve never known any different, but it really isn’t normal.

Have you ever discussed this with your mum, a friend? What do you think they would say if you told them?

He sounds horrible

His good points are??

Don't say he's a good Dad because you've just given a number of reasons why he isn't!!