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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this might be financial abuse

125 replies

Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 21:51

Firstly I am aware that some people are suffering far more than me. I am just starting to get a bit frustrated with the situation I am in and want to know whether I am overreacting...

DH and I share all our money but have our own savings accounts. I earn a lot less than him and we have what I consider to be a fair arrangement about who pays for what, he pays a lot more. We don't have lots of disposable income so DH is understandably concerned we don't overspend. My concern is that he insists on knowing all my passwords and logins for all my accounts and he intermittently checks them. He will text me and ask me if there's a transaction he doesn't recognise. He says it's because he's checking it's right but I feel checked up on and claustrophobic about it. I am responsible for all purchases for the family (clothes/food/ household items) and I feel that he doesn't really get how much things cost and is constantly moaning about my spending.

The reason for me posting today is because I checked my savings account last night and changed the password. I wrote the new password down and filed it away. Earlier today I got a text from the bank with a verification code which was the type you get when trying to log in. Shortly after DH rang me (in my opinion because he realised he had been foiled) and asked me for the code saying he was just checking the balance. I asked why and he said he was just checking accounts. I feel uneasy, he obviously rooted through my filing and found the password. Was he checking up on me? He knew I had been sorting money last night online.

On the one hand DH has always told me the truth and hasn't lied about this so I'm clearly overreacting but I just want some freedom to spend (even if it's more than I should) without feeling like I have to explain myself later and I had changed to password just to psychologically keep that account private but now he's got the password and if I change it again he will know and think I am hiding something and I'm not, I just want privacy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:36

Also my overdraft is £200 not thousands

OP posts:
AIMD · 20/07/2020 22:41

[quote Feelingconfused2020]@AIMD I think that's fair. He is worried and money is tight. We are in our overdrafts by the end of most months and have debts (although we are paying them off gradually they aren't increasing) the thing is that I am a 36 year old adult and if I treat myself to something I feel this guilt that I know I am gonna have to tell him and he is gonna be cross and its wearing me down. I don't have store cards and I don't have a credit card that I use (my debt is £1500 on an interest free credit card and I don't miss payments so it reduces every month) so if I chose to buy myself some shoes with my own money or even my own overdraft I don't see why I should feel sick with guilt.

I hardly ever buy anything for myself and almost always get second hand stuff when I need it so please don't get the impression that I am some kind of shopaholic! I actually can't remember the last time I bought myself a new item of clothing but it was before lockdown definitely.[/quote]
You haven’t given the impression of being a shopaholic 😀 You should be able to spend money without him questioning what/where/how much etc.

Sounds like you both need to rethink how finances are managed in the family to allow you to have oversight of the joint finance too and so you have personal spending money each that you don’t have to justify (in your own private personal account). If he’s got a problem with either of those things then there’s a bigger issue and he’s being controlling.

Baarbarella20 · 20/07/2020 22:42

You have no access to view his accounts

He has access to view your accounts

You are not being treated as an equal

You are not a child

Change your passwords & lock him out permanently
Hide the password

Baarbarella20 · 20/07/2020 22:44

Or open a joint account, where you BOTH have access to view everything
And
Have equal amounts to spend & save

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:46

You are not a child

Yep, I am treated like the fourth child. I will change my passwords again and if he asks I will try and avoid the conversation.

Earlier today I temporarily mislaid my keys and he stood over me until I found them (it took one minute they were just under a book) he treats me like a child doesn't he?

How do I get him to see me more equally?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2020 22:47

He is anxious and it means he's being controlling about it.

Personally I think you need to get on board and start doing the finances together - have a spreadsheet or similar and work out budgets for x y z together. I think he will be reassured if you are engaged with it and also you may both get out of debt more quickly this way.

I'm always puzzled when people have savings and debts - debts cost money and savings are earning literally pennies at the moment.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:49

@Baarbarella20 we used to share everything in one joint account. It worked ok pre kids because we had lots of disposable income and fairly equal spending. Now I have to justify everything I buy for the kids. A few years ago I got fed up of justifying every t shirt and pair of socks I bought for the DCs so we rearranged finances but he has all the logins so still checks. It's kind of crept up on me so it's like it was again.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2020 22:51

I Cross posted what does he treat you childlike over!

Money - because you are leaving it to him and money is tight, I personally think you need to step up and get on board with that.

Keys - I was dreadful with that so have an allocated place where they live now, life is much easier Wink

If he is treating you childlike I would literally ask him why he is being like that and it's out of order? It may become an argument but he may also reveal why he has an issue with x y z.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:52

Personally I think you need to get on board and start doing the finances together - have a spreadsheet or similar and work out budgets for x y z together. I think he will be reassured if you are engaged with it and also you may both get out of debt more quickly this way

We do all this. That's what we started doing a few years ago. I am supposed to have my own separate money based on the budget we agreed on a spreadsheet, but he checks that. Some of it is in an account which is join but I manage and some is in my own personal account. It's fairly complicated because we have different accounts for different things.

My debt is interest free which is why I haven't paid it off. I'm not financially illiterate I just work part time and earn a lot less than I did pre kids. The savings are small and for the kids futures and/or emergencies. If I was ever in a position where I could save a lot I would pay off debts at that point.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 20/07/2020 22:54

Either you both know passwords for each other’s accounts, or you both get to keep your accounts private.

I would change the passwords again and this time hide the details elsewhere

RandomMess · 20/07/2020 22:55

So you have a budget and you're sticking to it - geez he needs to back off! I would ask him what the problem is...

I would have a full and frank "we discussed this, there are budgets, why do you think it's ok to check up on me?

I'm not afraid of conflict with DH Blush

MsVestibule · 20/07/2020 22:55

I'm not sure if I fully understand. Am I right in thinking that:

  • you have a joint account that a proportion of each of your wages go into, which bills and family related stuff comes out of.
  • you also have a sole bank account each, which you use to pay for nights out with friends, clothes etc, and this is the one he's constantly querying?

If that is the case, he absolutely should not be doing this. As a PP has already said, I don't think this is financial abuse, but it is coercive control. You need to change the password again and tell him that as its for your discretionary spends, it has nothing to do with him.

I think your comment He is organised and likes things done a certain way is quite telling...

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:56

Keys - I was dreadful with that so have an allocated place where they live now, life is much easier

I have a place. This was a case of literally putting them down next to me for a second in my way out then covering them with my book.

This is very much a case of different personalities I think. To him putting the keys down for a second to do something else would be unthinkable. To me it's no big deal, the keys were right next to me just hidden.

I have spoken to him so many times about this. If my partner sat me down and told me they didn't like something I did I would make a massive effort to change it. I would never want my partner to feel unhappy in their own home.

OP posts:
AIMD · 20/07/2020 22:56

@Feelingconfused2020

You are not a child

Yep, I am treated like the fourth child. I will change my passwords again and if he asks I will try and avoid the conversation.

Earlier today I temporarily mislaid my keys and he stood over me until I found them (it took one minute they were just under a book) he treats me like a child doesn't he?

How do I get him to see me more equally?

Personally I don’t think you should avoid the conversation. You should outright tell him you’ve changed the password and that he isn’t having the password to your private account and you won’t be answering questions about what the money budgeted for you is spent on.
RandomMess · 20/07/2020 22:57

Is it becoming the straw that breaks the camels back?

It sounds like you are worn down by his attitude towards you.

AIMD · 20/07/2020 22:58

I can’t comment on the keys. I leave them everywhere. Last time I lost them it took me ages to find them....they were in a shoe in the show cabinet.

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 22:59

So you have a budget and you're sticking to it. In the interest of being totally honest our food budget (which I am responsible for) has not been stuck to over the last 3 months. My position is that this is inevitable because all three children and both of us are at home for most mealtimes and snacks and we are buying more treats/alcohol etc. He agrees in principal but then gets annoyed that I am in my overdraft.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 23:01

You should outright tell him you’ve changed the password and that he isn’t having the password to your private account and you won’t be answering questions about what the money budgeted for you is spent on

I can't explain why but I couldn't do this. I think he would be so hurt. I think it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship.

OP posts:
AIMD · 20/07/2020 23:02

@Feelingconfused2020

So you have a budget and you're sticking to it. In the interest of being totally honest our food budget (which I am responsible for) has not been stuck to over the last 3 months. My position is that this is inevitable because all three children and both of us are at home for most mealtimes and snacks and we are buying more treats/alcohol etc. He agrees in principal but then gets annoyed that I am in my overdraft.
Hold up food cost doesn’t come out of YOUR budge does it? Surely that should be out of the joint budget. I was assume your money(And over draft) was for things personal to you!!
RandomMess · 20/07/2020 23:02

I would tell him the food budget needs to be increased, then if he still complains he can take over meal planning and shopping. Anything you buy just for him like alcohol stop buying it because "can't afford it in the budget"

Food shopping has definitely gone up during Covid no more offers for a start Angry

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 23:04

@AIMD it's complicated. There are several accounts we use so that things are kept separate (this is Martin Lewis' advice) and yes food is from an account in my name but I do have a separate account for my own spending too.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 20/07/2020 23:05

Food budgets of course have increased with everyone being home.

If he asks you for your password again, ask him for his. Fair’s fair.

shinyredbus · 20/07/2020 23:05

Yikes. He sound like a discipline master instead of a husband. Are you going to be ok living like this, under a magnifying glass? Do you want your kids thinking this is normal?

Original poster
Feelingconfused2020 · 20/07/2020 23:07

Sorry. It's hard to explain things. I tried to keep it reasonably brief in the OP. In summary we have tried to share out responsibility but he likes to have an overview of every penny but doesn't spend much because I am responsible for buying everything so I am the one who is constantly accused of overspending but he doesn't seem to get that the kids feet have grown and shoes cost money! (For example) and I can never buy a thing without having to explain it, even in accounts that are solely in my name.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 20/07/2020 23:07

OP this is bullshit and you know it... Flowers

He's using the pathetic excuse of 'money is tight' to have taken complete control of your entire financial independence.. this doesn't feel right because it isn't right.. jesus christ... I bet he's on there daily checking your every financial move.. he might as well have installed cameras in every room of your home...

OP change your passwords.. and do not write them down .. keep them private... Flowers