To ask if this might be financial abuse

[Feelingconfused2020]

Firstly I am aware that some people are suffering far more than me. I am just starting to get a bit frustrated with the situation I am in and want to know whether I am overreacting...

DH and I share all our money but have our own savings accounts. I earn a lot less than him and we have what I consider to be a fair arrangement about who pays for what, he pays a lot more. We don't have lots of disposable income so DH is understandably concerned we don't overspend. My concern is that he insists on knowing all my passwords and logins for all my accounts and he intermittently checks them. He will text me and ask me if there's a transaction he doesn't recognise. He says it's because he's checking it's right but I feel checked up on and claustrophobic about it. I am responsible for all purchases for the family (clothes/food/ household items) and I feel that he doesn't really get how much things cost and is constantly moaning about my spending.

The reason for me posting today is because I checked my savings account last night and changed the password. I wrote the new password down and filed it away. Earlier today I got a text from the bank with a verification code which was the type you get when trying to log in. Shortly after DH rang me (in my opinion because he realised he had been foiled) and asked me for the code saying he was just checking the balance. I asked why and he said he was just checking accounts. I feel uneasy, he obviously rooted through my filing and found the password. Was he checking up on me? He knew I had been sorting money last night online.

On the one hand DH has always told me the truth and hasn't lied about this so I'm clearly overreacting but I just want some freedom to spend (even if it's more than I should) without feeling like I have to explain myself later and I had changed to password just to psychologically keep that account private but now he's got the password and if I change it again he will know and think I am hiding something and I'm not, I just want privacy.

We seem to have just fallen into this really weird dynamic and it's ruining our relationship. I'm glad this thread has convinced me to say something again but also to take action.

good on you OP.. you need to find yourself again.. instead of being an extension of the children.. and allowing him to treat you as such.. you are an adult and you deserve to be treated like an adult.. good luck

I see other couples laugh together and hold hands and I feel jealous and really sad. Our conversations are almost entirely about money or the kids and we are never affectionate anymore.

I'd be concerned OP. This is very controlling behaviour. The main thing that would worry me is that if his behaviour escalated and you were in a position where you had to leave he could move all your money and there isn't a thing you could do about it because you gave him access to your passwords.

Only you will know if this is the only area that he is controlling in. But you were concerned enough to post here in the first place.

Thanks @BumbleBeee69

Can I just ask, does he come up stairs and tell you you are taking too long to put kids to bed when you and the kids are having fun together? Reason being he sounds like my ex finance wise ( now know it was controlling) the questions about shopping, the keys, the disagreement over discipline ( when he says you are soft is it more a case of you have a better relationship with them?).
Keep a mental note. Mine got worse then more I noticed what he was doing and pushed back. You have every right (and it's the law!) for him not to access your bank accounts!

@pennysea I really don't have much. Just an emergency fund.

We are married and do own a house together. I'm not worried about that although when I'm feeling at my lowest I do think about all the money I haven't earned because we chose for me to go part time and look after the kids. I think about my student loan which has increased over that period and my pension which is lower than it would have been and I wonder how it's fair that I am still feeling guilty for every penny I spend. I don't think he would take money from me. I don't think he means any harm. I really just think he wants to look after me but has got the balance wrong.

OP you need to get yourself out of this situation. My ex DH always liked to take control of the money and would monitor every penny spent. It happened very slowly so I wasn't really aware of when it all happened, but by the end of our marriage I was paying my salary into his bank account every month and he was giving me 'spending money' which inevitably went on the house and kids. He took my debit card too so I had no access to money. Luckily I had a good friend who gave me the courage to leave him, otherwise I'd still be stuck in a very controlling relationship

does he come up stairs and tell you you are taking too long to put kids to bed when you and the kids are having fun together?. Yes he does.

When we first had kids we used things like the naughty step because that was how we thought we wanted to parent but then when it didn't really work with DD (our middle child and toughest one behaviourally) I read up on various parenting strategies and decided I preferred to use natural consequences. I referred DH to some of the literature I had read and he agreed to read it but kept putting it off to the point where it got ridiculous and we argued. He then said he had read it and agreed with me. I don't think he read anything. From then on he called anything that wasn't an obvious punishment like banning screens or witholding pocket money "your method" and for a while said "DD seems to like your method perhaps it.is working' but then DD started kicking back and he would say "your method isn't working anymore so she's having her iPad taken away"

He now completely disregards my opinion and gives random punishments with no relationship to the offence then, as I am the main caregiver, I am expected to uphold the punishment. His punishments are usually a period of time with no screens. Quite often he will.randomly give them back screen time on a day that he is the main caregiver saying that they behaved well so have won it back. If I did this I would be accused of undermining or being soft.

I am so.jealous of people who parent together.

@loungewearisthewaytogo

I'm sorry you were in that situation. I honestly can't see him doing this. He isn't this bad. It's just he doesn't like the lack of control. He won't take my debit card because I buy everything.

Yes it is. And be careful because my dh actually changed all of my passwords and didn't tell me the new ones!
You're not actually supposed to share pw on non joint accounts

Op your last post sounds pretty miserable. That is very clearly him controlling, undermining and treating you badly. When it's his turn to parent he takes the easiest route and you are left with the consequences when your kids inevitably play to die to lack of consistency.

What do YOU get from this relationship? Apart from a roof over your head and him paying more bills?

Op your last post sounds pretty miserable

I am miserable really. I suppose people don't start posts like this unless they are. It's hard to admit. I'm glad this is anonymous.

What do YOU get from this relationship? I don't know now.

I think about my student loan which has increased over that period and my pension which is lower than it would have been and I wonder how it's fair that I am still feeling guilty for every penny I spend

this makes me feel very sad OP... you are an educated woman.. intelligent kind and caring... you can change these things given time .. you recognise this for what it is and that's a positive step...

Thank you.

You never think you will be the one in this situation do you?

His good points are??

He does more than his fair share of stuff round the house. He does love the children. He is very reliable and is always exactly where he says he will be and always home on time.

The issues stem from his relationship with me not his individual personality. That's why it's hard to apportion blame. Is it controlling or is it just a breakdown in our relationship?

OP - it's really sad reading your posts. You & your children are hyper-vigilant aren't you, because you are controlled by his reactions.

I think this thread will help you to see that your DH controlling your finances is just the top of the iceberg, so I really hope you keep posting.
I think (others may disagree) you are in an abusive marriage. Almost all women who are controlled, coerced & abused will say 'oh it's not that bad' & point to positive aspects to compensate. But you have said you are miserable. His behaviour is not OK, and this is a poor model of relationship for your kids.

When I was in a controlling relationship I wish someone had just said, 'you deserve better' so I am saying this to you. You deserve better.

Money is tight, but you are supposed to be partners, and it's a responsibility you should share. Him calling you back to clear up spilt coffee or whatever is really, really, really not OK.

Keep posting OP because there are some quite brilliant women on here who I have seen help women to gain insight into their circumstances.

You are a grown up & you have choices. Don't let him knock your confidence anymore. Sending love & strength to you as you work through this

Change the passwords again. Why do you do all the buying of kids things? If my dh were like this I’d say over to you. The kids need these thousand things and don’t forget the food shop. Look forward to criticising how much you spend on it. I’m going to up my hours at work with all the time I’ve saved not doing drudge work which you always criticise me for anyway.
Obviously that’s not where you are at but think hard about why. Why do you take on these roles. Why don’t you say honestly you only want to know how much it cost so you can moan at me, which is pretty shit for me don’t you think?

It is not right, having access to your accounts - however your situation may be recoverable? Only you can decide that.

Other than your accounts and finances. How do you really feel that your relationship is? Do you have fun, do you love each other, is there respect in other areas.

I’m just saying this as it may be easy to say ‘abuse abuse’ which must equal ‘end of relationship’. And it may be the case. However there are some people who are controlling not because they want to control you, but because of their own imperfect human issues, but that they do love you.

I am separating from my Ex and I’ll be honest, he’s been horrible to me really. He’s cheated. He also questioned every single transaction about money on his account - I had to use his account for most things as I became a SAHM for our DS with SN. Every package to the house, he queried and put down. At one point, he got me send him a break down of where all the money I was spending went and asked me not to use the cash point as we were short of money. Implication was - I was spending too much. Whereas he could spend whatever he wanted, do what he wanted, and I had no access to the account or his wage.

Like you OP, this is clearly wrong. And for me, alongside the cheating, I think it has amounted to emotional abuse.

If I were you I would definitely draw a boundary, all your account, your name, your access. He is not allowed to question or access them.

You don’t even have to justify.

However there are still two possible scenarios, that he is very, very worried about money and needs to learn to give you some trust. If this is the case, then maybe draw up an agreement - he doesn’t access your accounts but you to a certain extent take seriously what his worries are - agree to spend a certain amount on food for example - perhaps both agree a joint account where bills, food and joint expenses go and you both pay in an agreed amount dependent on your wages.

Or you see this as matching your gut feeling that this relationship is over. As is mine. Only you know. Only you decide.

@swearymary100 everything I've read about.coercive control and abuse suggests that there more to it. I don't feel loved, that's definitely true, but is that honestly abuse?

He had a perfectly normal childhood and is a nice, well educated man. I don't see WHY he would do this deliberately. Why would he make me feel like this? I honestly think it's just a controlling nature and he needs to have a word with himself. I am confused though because I felt so loved to begin with and now I don't feel loved at all. There's a thread at the moment about a woman saying her husband calls her the most beautiful woman in the world and loads of other women saying their DH does the same. It really upset me because my DH used to say things like that. He doesn't anymore. He doesn't say anything nice to me.

Up your work hours OP if you can - sounds like you will need them. Call you back into a room to explain spilled coffee? Has he bumped his head and woken up thinking he is the headmaster or something? Ugh how ridiculous. You sound really ground down OP - think you deserve better than this kind of sergeant major crap!

@IceCreamSummer20

Thank you. Your ex sounds horrendous. DH has never asked me for a breakdown of spending but I sent him one once because I wanted him to see that almost every penny was on the family and not myself. The thing is that this became a criticism of the places I had chosen to buy things and the amount I spent. He always thinks he could do things better.

For example if he goes out with his friends one evening and I have a bad night with the kids playing up at bedtime he won't just say " oh poor you that's rubbish" he will say " you spend too much time with them doing stories and pandering, when I've got them I just tell them firmly that it's time for sleep, I never have the trouble you have "

This may or may not be true. I don't think it matters. I just want to be understood and listened to.

@comtomtessomtesse your right. My youngest is funded from January so I will if I can.

Sorry that's full of mistakes.

@comtesse you're right. I will up my hours over the next year if I can. Thankfully my youngest is the right age for this to happen naturally anyway so it won't involve any massive changes.

Why do you do all the buying of kids things? He wouldn't know where to start. He doesn't even know where things go in their bedrooms
so I'll ask him to put away some t shirts and he'll say "where do they go?"

He would never be able to discern that DS needs socks, go.to.an appropriate shop and buy the right size socks and put them away.

What I may start doing is sending him with a list so that at least he can see what things cost.

He does other things round the house, be just doesn't deal with this side of things.

That’s the thing, my Ex was the epitome of the good guy. Always cheerful, did loads of housework, lovely with the kids. But your last posts were so very similar to mine. Everything that I did that was positive, he often found a way to undermine, as he always had to do things better.

If you are confused, you have to get unconfused. Find some perspective. I wonder if you could get a therapist just for you, a really good one, spend money on it! But don’t even tell him, withdraw his access to your accounts, you are not a child, even if you set up a joint one instead. But talk to someone who is not just going to listen and reflect back. Maybe even a domestic abuse counsellor? I saw one, even though I didn’t really know whether I’d call it abuse, I wanted to work out what my options were.

If this IS abuse, then when you start trying to draw a boundary, you will meet with a bad response from your DH - which is a reason to completely and utterly draw that boundary and stick to it.