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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3yo son 'scared' to go home?

125 replies

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 10:48

Will give quick backstory to this however my aibu is: Should I be concerned?

Backstory: my ex (my childrens mom) has social services involvement. She threatened suicide when we first broke up because I refused to get back with her, and then had multiple suicide attempts while our children were asleep in the house with her. After her most recent attempt about 8 months ago, social services became involved. She then began lashing out, seemingly focusing her aggression on our 3yo son and hitting him for things such as having number 2 accidents and being sick when he was unwell. I communicated my concerns with the social services, they did their checks and deemed her capable to keep the children with extra support.

Theres various problems they and health visitors have brought up and a lot of incidents in the past toward the children and in our relationship so of any more info is needed please let me know.

Now to my aibu:

My son has always hated going back home after spending the weekend with me (I have him and his 1yo sister ever weekend) however lately he has said he is scared of mommy, scared to go home and has hidden behind me at drop off. This weekends drop off was awful, he cried and clung to me and said he was scared and didnt want to go home. His speech isnt where its expected to be for his age however he seems perfectly fine communicating his feelings and fear every other time and so how concerned should I be? Is he saying this just because he misses me? Or is he feeling genuinely unhappy at home?

I have communicated these concerns with my ex, she refuses to engage and gets defensive.

Please help, I dont know what to do or who to talk to. I feel powerless and so so sad for my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 10:51

Sorry weird wording, I have 2 children, my son is 3 and my daughter is 1.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 20/07/2020 10:54

Don't send him back there. She's abusing him. He has valid reasons to be afraid of her. You need to protect him.

Finerumpus · 20/07/2020 10:55

You must get help for your so and your ex.

Your son is telling you clearly that he needs you. Speak to SS. Tell them they need to get other agencies involved to support your family as it working atm.

Good luck

SmileyClare · 20/07/2020 10:58

Was your ex violent and unstable when you were with her?

Why don't you apply for full custody? Have you been given any advice about this? Would you hope likely to be awarded custody or do you have previous convictions or anything "against" you?.

If nothing else, flag this up again to SS.

Does your ds attend preschool or nursery? They can be helpful in pushing things along and it might be useful to find out how he is behaving in their setting?

Sorry you're in such a difficult position.

TheTrollFairy · 20/07/2020 11:00

I would be taking his concerns seriously. At 3, my daughter was capable of making her feelings clear and although sometimes you have to take them with a pinch of salt, I don’t think this is the time to do that. Your son is calling out for you to protect him.
If I were you, I would be looking at taking the kids full time as you have stated that your ex is lashing out at a 3 year old for having an accident. Kids do soil themselves and I get that it’s frustrating but it’s not something that should be punished and is definitely something that will make accidents more frequent as it can be a fear response.

mallrat · 20/07/2020 11:00

Do you have PR? If so, you can exercise this and keep the children with you if you feel they are at risk?
You could contact CSC and explain why you have done this.

wafflyversatile · 20/07/2020 11:01

You need to apply for full custody. Her contact should be supervised.

Vehivle · 20/07/2020 11:05

Flag this to SS. With her history of their involvement combined with your sons concerning behaviour, they will definitely listen and advise.

Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:05

Sorry I am unsure how to reply directly. I have made massive deals out of things in the past and have been made to feel like I was being ridiculous, my ex twists everuthing to make it sound like I'm just a jealous ex who is out to get her. I pursued full custody via social service advice but was told to apply for a child arrangement order(?) Which was on the process of starting just before lockdown.

Smileyclaire - yes, lots of violence towards me from her which is why the relationship ended. Lots of violence since which is why I no longer see the children every day, I used to go over after work however she began lashing out at me if I brought up concerns, attacked me in front of the children. The nursery have also brought up concerns regarding bruises and injuries which she has explained away. Not sure if I would be awarded custody due to full time work however I am trying.

There was also an incident last month where my son burnt his hand 'on an iron'. Ex didnt get him any medical help as it 'wasnt that bad'. A friend who is a nurse had a look at a pic of it for me and said it was infected, I took him to a and e that day. The a and e doctor asked if I thought it had been done on purpose due to the placement of the burn and how bad it was.

I know how it all sounds written down and added up but it's such small incidences that it seems stupid when I bring them up. Ex also refuses to discuss anything and takes access to the children away from me if I push too hard

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Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:06

My son is also scared of going to the toilet now due to her behaviour towards him about it. He uses the toilet fine with me however regresses at home. I know it's because of the way his mom is toward him but having my concerns brushed off my ss in the past I dont know where to go from here

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Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:09

We both have equal PR. I have kept the children after a weekend visit before due to her lashing out, I had them for 2 weeks and in the second week I had to go back to work and my mother kindly provided childcare for me. My ex then turned up at my mothers and took the children while I was at work, I contacted ss and the police and was told she had every right to do so

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ludothedog · 20/07/2020 11:13

You need to see a family solicitor and go to court for full custody. It's your job to keep your children safe and if you feel that it's not safe to return them home, then you should keep them. If your ex threatens to keep them seek immediate legal action to have them returned to you

Apolloanddaphne · 20/07/2020 11:13

I am a retired SW and it sounds very much to me like he is being scapegoated and abused by his mother. At the very least she is being neglectful. Does she treat the 1yo like this? The incident with the iron is ringing bells so loud for me that my ears are ringing. I am surprised the A&E doctor did not raise it with SS if he felt it was done on purpose.

I worked with a family who would make excuses for one of the DC when they had injuries and I have to say this did not have a good outcome. I cannot go into more details but suffice to say the child was being injured on purpose. I would not allow him to go back to her care. I don't know the legal implications as I am in Scotland and our legal system and legislation is different to England. Get advice from a lawyer if you can.

Gobbycop · 20/07/2020 11:20

Poor kid, heartbreaking.

Personally I'd be keeping him due to safety concerns which sound entirely valid.

Then let things unfold when police are inevitably called.

notsorighteousthesedays · 20/07/2020 11:22

For all those mumsnetters who think men are treated differently - why did you bring children into a violent relationship? And how old were they when you left?

SeenYourArse · 20/07/2020 11:22

LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE SAYING.... as outsiders reading this your son is being at best mistreated at worst abused! Speak to SS NOW and a solicitor and get emergency provisions in place to get yours children home safe with you today before you end up regretting it and he’s seriously hurt! Multiple people have told you this now, listen and act.

RedOasis · 20/07/2020 11:24

If I were you I would refuse to send him back in grounds of protecting my child from a violent situation. Get legal help and apply for full custody. The poor child’s miserable and scared. Keep days and dates and times and photos of EVERYTHING. get legal help NOW.

mallrat · 20/07/2020 11:25

You can still apply for a child arrangements order, the courts are still working.
Can you arrange some time off work whilst you get some childcare sorted and get the order?

Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:26

Notsorighteousthesedays - the abuse was primarily mental up until my daughter was born. I left when she was 3 months old after my ex attacked me with my daughter in my arms one night. Since then it has been a battle to even have access to them and they unfortunately have been used as weapons by their mom. I love my children dearly and was just clueless and without information with what to do next. I will be contacting a family lawyer as I have only ever contacted ss in the past but that hasnt gone anywhere. Thank you for everyone's advice so far

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Soubriquet · 20/07/2020 11:26

Ok, you need to sort this sharpish

Get a solicitor, contact SS, keep a record of every single incident.

Take her court.

Do everything possible to get custody of your children

One day, her smacks might turn into something worse

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/07/2020 11:27

Keep him home make her take it to court. In the meantime call social services today

Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:28

I feel like my concerns have gone unheard so far is all, even kicking up a fuss and refusing to take them back, speaking to ss and family members, it all comes back to the excuse of my ex struggling with mental health, I must not be giving enough support to help her etc. Which she used to say until she one day admitted she didnt struggle with taking care of the children but just didnt want to be alone, which was also her excuse for taking the children from my moms, was because she felt lonely without them.

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Gobbycop · 20/07/2020 11:29

Having now read the additional info I'd be taking both and running for the hills.

The iron incident rings in my ears too, at best she's careless at worst I think she poses a significant threat to the kids.

Protect them.

Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:29

I have a diary of incidences, a and e visits, concerns from health visitors and doctors. Ss closed the case around 6 months ago after I spoke to them about wanting custody and theyr recommended closing the case and sorting a child arrangement order via court. Will get a solicitor asap

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Original poster

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:31

I dont think its purposeful abuse just neglect, she seems more interested in anything but the children. Theres developmental and speech delays that health visitors have also brought up, as well as my son having a lot of irrational fears due to his moms behaviour

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