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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3yo son 'scared' to go home?

125 replies

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 10:48

Will give quick backstory to this however my aibu is: Should I be concerned?

Backstory: my ex (my childrens mom) has social services involvement. She threatened suicide when we first broke up because I refused to get back with her, and then had multiple suicide attempts while our children were asleep in the house with her. After her most recent attempt about 8 months ago, social services became involved. She then began lashing out, seemingly focusing her aggression on our 3yo son and hitting him for things such as having number 2 accidents and being sick when he was unwell. I communicated my concerns with the social services, they did their checks and deemed her capable to keep the children with extra support.

Theres various problems they and health visitors have brought up and a lot of incidents in the past toward the children and in our relationship so of any more info is needed please let me know.

Now to my aibu:

My son has always hated going back home after spending the weekend with me (I have him and his 1yo sister ever weekend) however lately he has said he is scared of mommy, scared to go home and has hidden behind me at drop off. This weekends drop off was awful, he cried and clung to me and said he was scared and didnt want to go home. His speech isnt where its expected to be for his age however he seems perfectly fine communicating his feelings and fear every other time and so how concerned should I be? Is he saying this just because he misses me? Or is he feeling genuinely unhappy at home?

I have communicated these concerns with my ex, she refuses to engage and gets defensive.

Please help, I dont know what to do or who to talk to. I feel powerless and so so sad for my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:31

Thanks for advice and sorry for rambling, I'm just not listened to regarding my concerns very often. Thank you all again

OP posts:
bibliomania · 20/07/2020 11:35

Child arrangements order is just the terminology used nowadays instead of custody. So the arrangement might be that they live with you and have specified times to see their mother. So definitely proceed with getting the order. Good luck.

Genevieva · 20/07/2020 11:39

You need to try to get full custody. It wouldn't mean not seeing their mother at all - just that you are the one with legal custody and she has visiting rights. It must be possible to get professional advice on this. It would be interesting to know whether SS have sufficient concern to support you in this. In the meantime, give your son as much reassurance as you can and maybe ask if you can have them for a bit longer or ask whether she would like you to support her by taking them on Wednesday nights to give her a bit more time.

Fanthorpe · 20/07/2020 11:40

Good luck OP, I can’t imagine how awful this is for your poor children.
That iron burn is going to be in my mind all day.

TokyoSushi · 20/07/2020 11:40

Oh goodness, your poor son. I'd urge you to step this up if you can. Perhaps a family solicitor might be able to help, it sounds like you need a bit more force on your side if they're not really listening to you. Good luck.

Hublott · 20/07/2020 11:46

My heart is breaking for your children. Take your children from this monster and don't send them back. Poor kids.

Hublott · 20/07/2020 11:47

Also it's not neglect. It's out and out abuse.

Doodar · 20/07/2020 11:49

They’re clearly in danger. Keep them until it’s proved she can care for them safely.

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:52

Thank you all this is the first time I've ever felt heard and understood. Protecting my children is my number one priority and I appreciate all of the advice.

OP posts:
RB68 · 20/07/2020 11:52

A child arrangements order could give you full custody with varying levels of contact for your ex. I would suggest that you get on with this pdq and keep records still of events etc. The iron burn incident cannot be let lie - you need to persue this for the sake of your children.

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:53

To answer a previous poster, no my daughter isnt treat the same. She puts a lot of time and effort into my daughter and she is very much a mommy's girl. I have no idea why my son is the target

OP posts:
RB68 · 20/07/2020 11:54

oh and if there is no court order in place currently or agreement I would keep them, I would also get SS involved again as things have escalated and it would only support your case going forward. I would not be going to allow her anything but supervised access until she is far more stable and then slowly introduce further access

ohtheholidays · 20/07/2020 11:55

If they were my children I would be keeping them with me!

You are very wrong when you say you think it's just neglect and neglect is bad enough but hitting your son is abuse!

Did you Mum say why she let your ex take the children,is she not aware of what you ex is like with the children?

I have 1 Grandchild,my Grandson who is 10 months old and if the abusive piece of shit that got my DD pregnant ever turned up at my door there is no way on earth that I would be handing my Grandson over.

I don't want to frighten you but you need to get your children back with you before you ex does something to your children that can't be fixed!

RB68 · 20/07/2020 11:55

It needs to be both with you do not separate them - if you take away the current focus a new one can be found and your little girl is so much younger

Porcupine83 · 20/07/2020 11:56

I’m so sorry for you and your DS. This has made me feel sick with worry for him, so I can’t imagine how you feel. Agree with all PP, lots of good advice here - get the kids away from her and get help ASAP.

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:57

Ohtheholidays - my mom refused at first, which is when my ex phoned the police. Police informed her that my ex had every right to take the children and so she did. I didn't find out until I finished work, which I when I called ss and they said ex had done nothing wrong by taking them. I explained my concerns which is when they agreed to do checks etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 11:59

Ss seemed to focus more on supporting ex with her apparent mental health issues ( all of which have not been formally diagnosed despite ex having multiple gp appts) which is great that they aim to support and help parents who are struggling but I feel like the reasons for my concerns were put down to mental health, which was being supported and helped with and so they saw no need to worry I guess. was all very disheartening which is when i thought maybe i was making a big deal for nothing

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 20/07/2020 11:59

@Dadof2bando I asked about your 1yo as it his not uncommon for one child to be favoured over another. It is probable that there is something in your DS that reminds your ex of you, possibly in how he looks or his mannerisms or merely because he is male, and she is scapegoating him and treating him badly because of this.

ohtheholidays · 20/07/2020 12:00

The abuse being directed at your son it could be because he's a boy,it could be because he looks like you or reminds her of you or she could be blaming him for yours and her relationship breaking down because of having your first born.

Whatever her reason she is a danger to your children and don't believe that it's just your son it effects despite the fact that your DD is very young she will be hearing the raised voices and your sons crying,both of your children need to be rescued.

GracieLane · 20/07/2020 12:00

Hitting a child for popping or puking is abuse. Maybe the burn was neglect, maybe it was abuse. I would say regardless, that your DS is being both abused and neglected, as well as emotional abuse, and risk of future abuse both physical and emotional. So there is current and future harm. I would not be letting my kids back to this person, mum or dad doesn't matter this Child is being harmed. It seems like your ex is abusive to men in the same way a lot of men are abusive to women. Now that she can't abuse you she is abusing the next male. She might never abuse or neglect your daughter, because she doesn't hate women and girls only men and boys, but it might just be the next nearest target and that even if your son is with you, she will turn on your daughter. I would not risk leaving either child in her care

Calibrachoa · 20/07/2020 12:01

Oh God this is absolutely chilling to read. There was a murder case in Scotland where a woman killed her child and it started with her hitting the child for being sick like your ex. Someone who does that shouldn't be supervising children.

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 12:01

No incidents since the iron about a month ago, which was explained as an accident and so now when I bring anything up to ex I'm 'just trying to cause trouble' and 'shes changed'

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 12:03

Gracie lane yes I think a lot of it is because he is my mini-me and looks like me. She also enjoys dressing my daughter up like a doll, always in dresses and bows and is never allowed to get dirty. I guess she cant have that same control over my son and so lashes out

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 20/07/2020 12:04

Keep them with you. Haven't read the whole thread, but even if there is a court order in place, if you believe following it puts the children at risk then it's fine to break it. It is a civil not a criminal matter so you won't get the police knocking at your door.

Then be proactive and contact start filling in either a child arrangement order or an amendment to an existing one.

This is what I had to do. I broke the court order, but to show I wasn't just being feckless I started legal proceedings straight away.

To try and keep your mind clear just keep telling yourself "put the children first". This can help when your ex comes back to you saying you're getting at her etc etc.

Your children are depending on you. Good luck.

ohtheholidays · 20/07/2020 12:04

Sadly SS can really fuck up(and I say that as someone that used to work along side them)and I agree with the pp that you need to get a solicitor asap.

I don't know if your at work but if you are you could explain the situation about work,some places are great and will agree to give you some time off(even just a few days could give you enough time to contact and see a solicitor to get some proper advice about your rights and the rights of your children) so that you can start getting things sorted for your DC