3yo son 'scared' to go home?

[Dadof2bando]

Will give quick backstory to this however my aibu is: Should I be concerned?

Backstory: my ex (my childrens mom) has social services involvement. She threatened suicide when we first broke up because I refused to get back with her, and then had multiple suicide attempts while our children were asleep in the house with her. After her most recent attempt about 8 months ago, social services became involved. She then began lashing out, seemingly focusing her aggression on our 3yo son and hitting him for things such as having number 2 accidents and being sick when he was unwell. I communicated my concerns with the social services, they did their checks and deemed her capable to keep the children with extra support.

Theres various problems they and health visitors have brought up and a lot of incidents in the past toward the children and in our relationship so of any more info is needed please let me know.

Now to my aibu:

My son has always hated going back home after spending the weekend with me (I have him and his 1yo sister ever weekend) however lately he has said he is scared of mommy, scared to go home and has hidden behind me at drop off. This weekends drop off was awful, he cried and clung to me and said he was scared and didnt want to go home. His speech isnt where its expected to be for his age however he seems perfectly fine communicating his feelings and fear every other time and so how concerned should I be? Is he saying this just because he misses me? Or is he feeling genuinely unhappy at home?

I have communicated these concerns with my ex, she refuses to engage and gets defensive.

Please help, I dont know what to do or who to talk to. I feel powerless and so so sad for my son.

Kids that age displaying normal reluctance /resistance to a change of environment would normally say something like " I want to stay here" or "I don't want to go there".

For a 3 yr old to say he's scared of Mummy is a very big departure from normal.

You should urgently contact social services and tell them what he says

She must realise he can now speak well enough to tell you or SS anything she does to him or the baby. That puts both the children in additional danger from her.

You must ask the nursery to log in writing and photograph every bruise or injury they notice; AND Mum's excuse for it, also any occasion when the 3 yr old appears afraid of going home with Mum.

MrsBtheparker - absolutely agree, ss seemed more concerned about providing her with support than my concerns. Which is great for the parents who need a little support. Not so great for those of us with genuine safety concerns

Thank you all, all very helpful and supportive and non judgemental.
Unfortunately not something I have been used to so far. Will have a solicitor and sort necessary court forms by the time I get the children again and wont be returning them.

@Nottherealslimshady

Don't send him back there. She's abusing him. He has valid reasons to be afraid of her. You need to protect him.

WTF? How can you possibly know that? Sheesh.

The burn may well have been an accident - but not seeking treatment for it? To the point where it got infected and you took him to A&E for treatment? That's abuse. And neglect.

You say that the physical incidents have stopped since the burn by an iron... but you don't know. Because you're no longer there, are you? The emotional/mental/verbal abuse won't have stopped... because your 3 year old is desperately trying his utmost to tell you that it hasn't. Please listen to him.

If your ex cannot stand being by herself to the point where she is using her children as props to stave off her inner loneliness - then I think SS need to be made aware of that. She obviously needs to be assessed and they can push for psychological evaluations which would give your ex a diagnosis, and access to suitable treatment (my daughter was only diagnosed - after years of my begging the GP for help - because the police got involved and set that ball in motion). But, frankly, if your ex doesn't sort this "I'm lonely, so I'll use my children for company" malarky out - how is she going to be by the time they get to an age where they can leave under their own violition? Are they expected to stay in the family home with her forever? Never marry? Have friends? Lives of their own...? All because their mum can't cope with her own company for a while? That needs to be addressed for all 3 of their sakes, I'm afraid. And as for dressing your little girl up like a little doll? Not allowing her to get dirty? Most toddler girls I've known have been just as "lets play in the mud!" as their male counterparts - so I'd be asking yourself whether or not your ex wanted a baby... or a living doll? When your son was your daughter's age, was he immaculate, treated as though a speck of dirt might break him, by any chance?

And yes; she's taking her rage at your having had the audacity to leave her, out on your son. If you don't listen to him, and actively fight for him/his sister, then it's only going to get worse from here, I'm afraid.

Madcatladyforever - yes unfortunately I feel like ss havent been receptive to my concerns because they dont want to remove the children from a mother.

You think child protection social workers have a sentimental aversion to removing children from mothers? Seriously? If they did, there would be no U.K. domestic adoption to speak of, and the murder rate would be much, much higher. Children are removed from mothers every day.

Which has never been my intention, I just wanted someone to listen to me when I said I felt like they weren't very safe.

What did you want them to do after they ad listened to you?

Contrary13 - yes the kids are treat very much as accessories. Wants them dressed in top range brand name clothes and in new pushchairs all the time. An argument happened when she left my son in shoes 2 sizes too small for 2 weeks without telling me, because she didnt buy him any new shoes because the ones in the supermarket were 'ugly'. I bought him some which she wouldnt allow him to wear at hers as she didnt like them. He couldn't leave the house for a week while she waited for his nike sneakers to be delivered. She takes pride in how they look however I find it detrimental as they are put in clothes inappropriate for activities, and are always told off of they get shoes scuffed etc

Ariettyjones - I didnt say they had an aversion, just that it obviously isnt their first priority which is great most of the time. I expected them not to push my concerns away and close the case, not to just allow her explanations to explain odd incidences away. I wanted to be taken seriously and listened to and given advice

Oh god I feel like crying, please just get your children and keep them with you!!

How did your child explain the burn?
You say your child says he’s scared to go home- can you find out a little more from him. What makes him scared, what happens at home. Write his responses down. If he is able to give more information , I would insist SS speak to your son and get the “child’s voice”. This should be done if they are able to articulate what’s happening.
I’m glad you took him to A&E as this means there is a record of the injury. Please continue to make others aware of things. Report constantly as things have to be logged, which helps build up a picture. They may seem small things but they all group together to make something much worse.
Don’t give up on trying to get full custody, I think deep down you know it’s the right thing. Incidents of neglect and or abuse in the early years of a child’s life have such a negative impact that can last a lifetime.
Keep communication open with your child, let him know he can tell you things, but if you don’t act he will stop doing this and this is when it becomes dangerous.

If you’re serious, you get responses in writing and you follow up.

If the DC are really being abused then you should want them removed from her “care”.

You sound very newly mouthed and contradictory about it all.

Lou898 - he didnt have a reason behind the burn, I asked and dodnt really get a response except that it was hot and hurt. Ditto for being scared, I asked why he dodnt want to go home he said he wanted to just watch robot trains (which we were watching at the time). When he said no to going home i asked why, he just cried. It really broke my heart.

Ariettyjones - I absolutely appreciate what you're saying and your take on it, thank you. I just needed help and advice to figure out what to do next and make sure o wasnt doing the wrong thing

I wouldn't send the children back, she needs help. You should go for a temporary full custody order and she needs to be assessed.
I would not let my children go back to her in these circumstances.
Get a solicitor, get your kids, and she can have supervised contact.
She's clearly not coping at all if what you say is all accurate, protect your babies.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/explaining-the-legality-of-a-child-arrangements-order/

Have a look at this site - they have links to the forms, you can make a telephone appointment with them and there's lots on there that will help. You can apply to the courts for an emergency hearing and state why - if there is enough reason to suspect the child(ren) are at immediate risk. I know someone who applied for emergency hearing and it was held within 3 days if I remember rightly.

To my knowledge, social services dont usually apply directly to the courts on a parents behalf in this situation but if they've been involved they will be contacted for records etc.
Good luck.

God, I couldn't read this without crying. Your poor little boy but thankfully, he has you. I don't know about any of the legal stuff(and you've already had great advice) but please do whatever you can to get your children away from her. The burn incident would seem accidental on its own but not when you put all the other information with it. It seems very much on purpose.

I do agree that the burn may have been an accident-is it likely that your son would have told you if his mum had done it?

I can see why she might not have sought treatment even if it was an accident-but surely that was neglectful if it became infected?

I know that visits are supposed to be for the benefit of the kids, but when one parent has been abusive to the other and not to the kids, I still wonder about the sense of unsupervised access tbh.

Sorry no help, but it sounds as if you need to keep the children with you.

I would personally refuse to take the children home and go for full custody. You have every right too.

@ArrietyJones why are you giving this father a hard time? Do you recognise yourself in this situation

So why then @ArriettyJones?

The iron incident on its own is enough to remove them from her care. You need a child protection order, this will mean they reside with you. Then you seek a child arrangement order. Every single tome you suspect abuse you must report it to the police.

And please this is so important get a solicitor do not do it yourself. It will be expensive but you won't win without one.

Courts are child centred and if your son is displaying signs of trauma, fear they will take it seriously.

I went through this process it's lengthy and expensive but it's necessary.

Your 1 and 3 year olds are away for a fortnight without either parent?

Porcupine

Because when your DC is being abused by the other parent, you have to step up, and complain, and complain again and keep complaining and don’t give up until someone listens. And you go all the channels available to you; childcare or school, SS, police, courts, GP.

What you don’t do is give up after one attempt, or sit around dreaming up conspiracy theories about why the professionals didn’t do what you wanted, or say you don’t really want them to take action you “just want them to listen”.

I'm sorry but it appears as though too many people are excusing away your child's injuries.
I know from experience that if a childcare setting believes physical abuse has happened, they do call SS and the child can be taken to the hospital and their injuries inspected...not the best experience I've had as a parent, but the Dr's are often able to tell the difference between accidental injuries and abuse.

First port of call might be to arrange a meeting with the nursery manager and asking for his key person in the nursery to be present. Take your book, tell them how your son acts, tell them that you were a victim of DV from her so you want to ensure your sons safety.
Ask if they have any safeguarding concerns and what their thoughts are.
This way you're making people with safeguarding responsibilities aware of what you think is going on, and I'd assume if they have concerns they will call SS then.
Get a solicitor. Tell them you want the children with you whilst this is all investigated and if you can get a court date see what you can do to have the children with you full time, and whilst you're at it. See if there's any way that she can see the children in supervised sessions, so she has no opportunity to hurt you or the kids.