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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3yo son 'scared' to go home?

125 replies

Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 10:48

Will give quick backstory to this however my aibu is: Should I be concerned?

Backstory: my ex (my childrens mom) has social services involvement. She threatened suicide when we first broke up because I refused to get back with her, and then had multiple suicide attempts while our children were asleep in the house with her. After her most recent attempt about 8 months ago, social services became involved. She then began lashing out, seemingly focusing her aggression on our 3yo son and hitting him for things such as having number 2 accidents and being sick when he was unwell. I communicated my concerns with the social services, they did their checks and deemed her capable to keep the children with extra support.

Theres various problems they and health visitors have brought up and a lot of incidents in the past toward the children and in our relationship so of any more info is needed please let me know.

Now to my aibu:

My son has always hated going back home after spending the weekend with me (I have him and his 1yo sister ever weekend) however lately he has said he is scared of mommy, scared to go home and has hidden behind me at drop off. This weekends drop off was awful, he cried and clung to me and said he was scared and didnt want to go home. His speech isnt where its expected to be for his age however he seems perfectly fine communicating his feelings and fear every other time and so how concerned should I be? Is he saying this just because he misses me? Or is he feeling genuinely unhappy at home?

I have communicated these concerns with my ex, she refuses to engage and gets defensive.

Please help, I dont know what to do or who to talk to. I feel powerless and so so sad for my son.

OP posts:
Calibrachoa · 20/07/2020 12:05

This was the little boy who was beaten to death for being sick Sad
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-28926241

TheOrigBrave · 20/07/2020 12:05

Oh and my ex only started emotionally abusing our son when he couldn't do it to me. That's why DS2 rarely sees his Dad now.

justcheckingyourenotacake · 20/07/2020 12:08

Oh dear please get a solicitor on the case ASAP.

Just FYI a friend of mine got full custody of his child as the mother had alcohol problems and MH problems but it took him quitting his job to prove he was committed to looking after the child and wasn't going to be leaving her with others. (I don't know the details and ins/outs but basically that's why he quit and moved to where the ex and DC lived so it wouldn't be too much of an upheaval for the DC school wise and stuff)

sunflowersandtulips50 · 20/07/2020 12:08

I am shocked that the iron incident given you were asked if it was deliberate wasnt flagged up. You seem to be minimising what she does in suggesting its not deliberate. A child being burned with an iron and being scared to go home is enough for me to keep the child with me and contacting the police and getting an urgent order via the court so the DC stay with you. Oh and to add how could you have any idea that she isnt doing the same to your DD? She is a baby and has no voice...

NameXForThis · 20/07/2020 12:09

When they are safe with you, please get some therapy/counselling for your son. Play/art/music therapy with a specialised child psychologist or psychiatrist, there will be a lot of trauma for such a little mind to deal with......

whattimeisitrightnow · 20/07/2020 12:09

It’s good that you’re recording these incidents. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and glad that your children have someone fighting their corner. I agree that you need to make gaining primary custody a top priority - it sounds like you are, which is good.

In the short term, I really do think you can refuse to return your children to her care. You have clear evidence of repeated abuse.

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 12:10

I was in the same boat with my ex husband and refused contact, my son said he was terrified of my ex and that was the last time he went there, I had a duty of care to protect him.
Things have to get really bad before children are taken off a mother, I knew someones whose sister was a violent alcoholic with 5 children and I could not believe SS left it so late to take them away. They weren't going to school, weren't washed or dressed, they smelled.
I'd go to court and try and get custody of them.

TheTrollFairy · 20/07/2020 12:10

I agree that your son will bear the brunt if he’s the image of you. At the moment your daughter is too young to play up and ignore your ex which is why she doesn’t get the brunt of her Fustration. Do not think your daughter is at risk because she isn’t currently being harmed. When your daughter gets older and becomes more self sufficient then she too can become a victim of your ex.

I would report your post and get this moved to legal as although you have had help here RE people listening to your concerns, you might get some more help regarding the legal help you need over there. Of course you could also start a separate thread in legal and past a link in there back to this thread also.

It won’t be easy but your son does need help and your daughter will too when she becomes older

strawberry2017 · 20/07/2020 12:11

If the hospital thought the incident with the iron was done on purpose they should have put a safe guarding report in .
This could help your case.
Make sure these things are mentioned to the solicitor so they can make sure they have the relevant evidence to support your request.
Good luck OP

Calibrachoa · 20/07/2020 12:12

The a and e doctor asked if I thought it had been done on purpose due to the placement of the burn and how bad it was
Which could be why she didn't seek medical attention. Because she did it on purpose

Oysterbabe · 20/07/2020 12:13

Next time you have them for contact do not give them back.

GruffaIo · 20/07/2020 12:21

Do not return after the next time you have them. Only after you have them, apply for a child arrangements order that they live with you and a prohibited steps order that your ex can't remove the children from your care / the care of anyone to whom you have entrusted them (eg. your mother).

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 12:22

Madcatladyforever - yes unfortunately I feel like ss havent been receptive to my concerns because they dont want to remove the children from a mother. Which has never been my intention, I just wanted someone to listen to me when I said I felt like they weren't very safe. Once they completed their checks and didnt seem concerned I naively thought I probably didnt have anything to worry about. Unfortunately things have escalated as it started with her having no patience with my son and now she has marked him on multiple occasions. I just feel like ss should have done more and supported the children more

OP posts:
Bluepolkadots42 · 20/07/2020 12:22

This sounds like a horrible situation for all- but it breaks my heart that your 3yo clearly sounds afraid of mum and going home. As others have said, if you have PR please don't return children and contact social services to inform them of your concerns and let them know you feel the children are in serious danger if you return them.
The fact the doctor even queried to you whether the burn could have been done on purpose due to the odd placement of the burn is a huge alarm bell. I couldn't return them to a household where I knew at least one child was terrified and potentially being emotionally/physically abused. Please don't send them back- and contact SS asap and provide them with a historic list of incidents (As you've done here) of why you feel they are at risk with mum.

AnneOfQueenSables · 20/07/2020 12:24

Are you in the UK? If so then the iron incident should have been flagged back to ss by the hospital. Regardless of whether you said their mum said it was an accident that happened with her, the hospital's internal processes should have escalated it.
As PPs have said, you need to go back to ss and back to court for custody.

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 12:25

I do feel let down by ss yes, everything was twisted into my ex just struggling like some parents do and I clearly just wasnt doing enough to support. At that point I was visiting every day and doing bath and bed, having them 3 days per week and supporting the household. I still pay majority of her bills and pay for the children via CMS, also providing new clothes and shoes. Which of course I'm more than happy to do it just makes me feel like a failure when my ex, her family and ss are telling me I'm clearly not doing enough if ex is so overwhelmed that she is lashing out. I feel like due to her mental health, her actions gets excused

OP posts:
Bluepolkadots42 · 20/07/2020 12:26

@Dadof2bando

Madcatladyforever - yes unfortunately I feel like ss havent been receptive to my concerns because they dont want to remove the children from a mother. Which has never been my intention, I just wanted someone to listen to me when I said I felt like they weren't very safe. Once they completed their checks and didnt seem concerned I naively thought I probably didnt have anything to worry about. Unfortunately things have escalated as it started with her having no patience with my son and now she has marked him on multiple occasions. I just feel like ss should have done more and supported the children more
Don't wait for SS to intervene, they don't always get it right- look at cases like Baby P and Victoria Climbie- they've clearly had their chances to intervene more heavily here and haven't done it. These are your children and you are the only person who will fight their corner- especially as one isn't able yet to talk and your eldest has limited speech. They can't tell people coherently what is going on behind closed doors so please advocate for them in the strongest ways you possibly can. Don't return them after you next have them and when you pick them up phone SS to explain you won't be returning them until you know for sure they will be safeguarded, loved and cared for. Mum cannot help MH issues, but equally no child should be left to suffer because of their parent's MH issues. Especially if there's another parent able to give care.
Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 12:27

Anneofqueensables - yes in the uk, the doctor asked me if I thought it was on purpose. I said I didnt feel that way however I didnt know what actually happened as I wasnt there and did touch on some of the past incidences. I havent heard from anyone so no idea if it was escalated

OP posts:
ludothedog · 20/07/2020 12:28

Forget social services. As the childrens father you have rights and Responsibities to keep them safe. This is something you need to do. Call a solicitor now. By all means blow off steam here and tell your story but it is your responsibility foremost as a father to keep them safe.

GruffaIo · 20/07/2020 12:28

You can do the court application yourself or get solicitors to help you. The form you need is a C100. You need to flag the domestic violence concerns towards yourself as well. Use the C1A form for that.

Honestly, if this was me, I'd get the legal application ready today for the very next time I had them - when is that?

anothermansmother · 20/07/2020 12:31

You need to keep hold of your children and get an emergency order. There is a lot of evidence pointing to abuse, and if not addressed quickly it will have a king term impact on your children.
The poor toileting at home could also be due to it being used as a punishment, my friends ds went through this and she refused to send them to him until they had been back to court. She now has full custody and he can only see them with supervision 3 times a year ( they're 15 and 16 now) but her ds can still remember stuff and has had counselling

RandomUser3049 · 20/07/2020 12:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mrsBtheparker · 20/07/2020 12:34

Flag this to SS. With her history of their involvement combined with your sons concerning behaviour, they will definitely listen and advise

With her history I'm amazed that your children have been left with her, were a father to behave like this his feet would barely touch the ground.

Original poster
Dadof2bando · 20/07/2020 12:35

Gruffalo - thank you that's really helpful, they're away for 2 weeks with family (not ex thankfully) and so it gives me plenty of time to get everything sorted

OP posts:
Peach1886 · 20/07/2020 12:35

Have PM'd you - it's all very well everyone on here telling you what to do, but you need some help with how...there are good solicitors who (sadly) specialise in this kind of thing, so get yourself some professional help and someone to lean on who knows how the systems work.

All the very best, you sound like a lovely dad who just needs some help.