3yo son 'scared' to go home?

[Dadof2bando]

Will give quick backstory to this however my aibu is: Should I be concerned?

Backstory: my ex (my childrens mom) has social services involvement. She threatened suicide when we first broke up because I refused to get back with her, and then had multiple suicide attempts while our children were asleep in the house with her. After her most recent attempt about 8 months ago, social services became involved. She then began lashing out, seemingly focusing her aggression on our 3yo son and hitting him for things such as having number 2 accidents and being sick when he was unwell. I communicated my concerns with the social services, they did their checks and deemed her capable to keep the children with extra support.

Theres various problems they and health visitors have brought up and a lot of incidents in the past toward the children and in our relationship so of any more info is needed please let me know.

Now to my aibu:

My son has always hated going back home after spending the weekend with me (I have him and his 1yo sister ever weekend) however lately he has said he is scared of mommy, scared to go home and has hidden behind me at drop off. This weekends drop off was awful, he cried and clung to me and said he was scared and didnt want to go home. His speech isnt where its expected to be for his age however he seems perfectly fine communicating his feelings and fear every other time and so how concerned should I be? Is he saying this just because he misses me? Or is he feeling genuinely unhappy at home?

I have communicated these concerns with my ex, she refuses to engage and gets defensive.

Please help, I dont know what to do or who to talk to. I feel powerless and so so sad for my son.

You sound like a great dad. Absolutely dont le yourself be fobbed off any longer, this is a horrible situation. I'm sorry I don't have specific advice, but I hope others can help.

Egg boxes- yes they stay with ex's parents for a week every few months, this will be the 1yo first time as she was too young prior. They will only be gone for a week but I wont see them until the following weekend. I dont like that they go with ex's parents when her mom has been excusing everything from the beginning but again, when i bring it up, ex is apparently 'main parent' and so I get no say unfortunately

Wow... i mean i personally would not let him back there

I would also be contacting your sons nursery and their HV yourself as well - especially as you said nursery already had some concerns of their own over marks on your son. SS may well listen more to them than to you, which shouldn’t be the case but there we go. Would be helpful to have them onside and have your concerns recorded with them as SS will request info from them also so will see that you are concerned from that aspect too.

Do it by email so there is a paper trail that you have raised the concerns. List EVERYTHING.

YOU MUST GET CUSTODY.

[quote milksoffagain]@ArrietyJones why are you giving this father a hard time? Do you recognise yourself in this situation[/quote]
Interesting, that’s what I thought. Making excuses for the op’s partner instead of protecting the kids.

If you don’t feel they are safe, go and take them when they are with their grandparents, just as your ex did when they were with your parents. Once you have them in the safety of your home you can get the legal backing you need. What a horrible situation for you all, I hope you get your children to safety quickly.

Catalogue and note EVERY mark and incident, as far back as you can remember and now on. If you ever have to seek medical attention for them again then DO NOT defend your ex, DO voice your concerns - if a safeguarding alert is raised by the A&E dr that will (sadly) probably make SS pay more attention that just your report alone and again there is that paper trail that is it is YOU showing the concern and seeking medical care, not her.

Keep a meticulous diary op. Any bruises /marks they have when they have been at dm's. Flag up anything with ss. Keep a record of any mishaps they have with you also. Take pics.. Agree that play therapy via a psychotherapist may get you some answers.. At 4 my dd was very precise at her sessions. How off 4 is your ds? Best option would be to seek a SHL and apply for full custody. Get that in before they get back to her home. Keep them with you until then.

Id just like to say... neglect is abuse! People are saying "it might not JUST be neglect" there is no JUST about neglect ... it falls under the umbrella of abuse just the same as physical, emotional, sexual and neglect do xxx

If you know or have strong reason to suspect that she has been physically abusive to the children, you have to report her to the police and keep the children with you.

Are you on the birth certificate/do you have parental responsibility? The police cannot take the children away from you to return them to her if you have parental responsibility. She would then have to go to court to apply for a Child Arrangements Order to see them/have them returned. This is a weapon which controlling exes often use against their former partners, but in your case it sounds like it would be completely justified by the children's welfare.

Personally, I find it quite concerning that your son displays the sort of behaviour towards you (clinging, crying etc.) that children normally show to their primary carers, given you only have him at the weekend. I might be reading too much into it, but this suggests he sees you as his 'safe space' not his mum, even though she has them all week. My toddler cries and clings when I leave him at his (very good) childminder and is always happy and excited to see me when I return. I'm not a child psychologist but I remember being told that that is more normal for happily adjusted children with secure attachments.

Speak to the children's social worker. That's what they are their for - they can make a judgement that they don't feel the children should live with their mother but you can't. In reality it may not be for safeguarding reasons, your son might just have more fun at yours because you make a big effort so you need independent advice

Sadly you really cannot rely on SS to protect children from harm, my sons birth sibligs were left in awful circumstances until they were almost old enough to attend secondary school.

Record everything (including pictures of any injuries with something like a ruler to show size). If your GP is more back to normal go to the GP and have any visible injury recorded. If you do send them back to mum again record any injury when they are back with you and seek medical attention.
Call the social worker and present a record of everything you have.
Contact the nursery and ask for a copy of the injury log for your son.
Does he have a HV?

Interesting, that’s what I thought. Making excuses for the op’s partner instead of protecting the kids.

Interesting “thinking” skills @QQQQQQ123

Do feel free to C&P anything I said that was “making excuses for the partner“. There wasn’t anything so you won’t be able to.

@ArriettyJones - ODFOD

@ArriettyJones - Ive just seen you called me a silly drip!! Thanks, very funny and made me laugh out loud

@Dadof2bando

I have PM’d you

It might be worth making social services explicitly aware that you left the relationship because you were a victim of domestic violence.

When the situation is reversed and men are violent, which is more common, the female victim will rarely leave the children behind when they escape. As a result of domestic violence in this scenario being of a type less commonly seen and the fact the children remained in the family home, social services are possibly not understanding. They may well be mistaking you for an ex who is simply aiming to antagonise the mother of their children. That isn't what is happening here and you need to be very explicit about that.

Your children need you to make sure you are heard. It's difficult. People will have preconceived ideas, rightly or wrongly, so you need to fight harder for your children.

In all honesty as this progresses fuck social services, they haven't exactly got a great track record of protecting the most vulnerable children.
They already seem blinkered and want your kids with mum at seemingly any cost.

Yes they need to know but don't expect them to act as quickly as is needed here.

The trouble is, it's common for abusive men, when their partners leave them, to complain to SS saying that their partner was the abusive one, and that she's abusing the children..

This means that for the men who suffered abuse, it's difficult for them to be believed.

I wonder if that's what's happened here? SS don't believe OP and think that it was him who was abusive, and that's why he doesn't feel listened to.

OP, I hope you're able to get custody of your children. Get that court order and pick them up from their grandparents.

If you are on the birth certificate and have parents rights you do not have to give your children back to her. A close friend had a similar situation with his children and social services told him not to take them back if he had genuine safety fears, they will the investigate while you have custody. If he is in danger do not give your children back to his mother.

This is horrible. Dad must ensure he doesn't just report and photograph, he also records posting it to the head of department. Dad might need to be willing to offer to stop work or reduce or change hours, if it swings the chances of safeguarding. Lawyers will cost a fortune. There are so many child charities, so would some give guidance, or is there anything online? NAPAC is the only one mopping up the lifelong results of what these children are experiencing. There might be advice on their site, too. Mum won't be held accountable because of her balance of mind. S.S. won't, because they never are. The list is ready ....."regrettable, lessons will be learned, overstretched services, insufficient staff, budget cuts, we were working with the mother who showed progress, we were not made aware of all the information...." If she wants company maybe she could get a kitten or a boyfriend.
The deliberate burning is desperately important information. That crosses from willing to be unkind to potentially willing to be lethal. The baby too is at risk. Merely because she cannot express herself, and might or might not, yet, be a target, it would not make her exempt, especially if the first two punchbags, dad and boy, have escaped .

I also just want to say that being the favoured child in a house where another child is being abused can be just as harmful if in a different way with a different outcome. They both need protecting.

Why are you even thinking of sending him back to an abuse mother?

Are you originally from the US, @Dadof2bando ? Do you have family there?

The problem is, as there's no order in place, you both have equal rights, meaning she has 50 50 rights with you until you change that xx