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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you let your teenagers have alcohol

155 replies

betteliefsen · 19/07/2020 19:37

DS (15, 16 early next year) asked if he could have a bottle of cider (4%) with dinner tonight. I said no and will continue to say no but it got me wondering if that's unusual or if other 15 year olds are allowed alcohol at home.
YABU - yes, I let my teenager have alcohol at home
YANBU - no, I don't let my teenager have alcohol at home

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 19/07/2020 23:42

My 17.5 year old son has just started having the odd larger or small Gin, he is 18 in December. I would rather him drink a little at home than suddenly start going out with mates and getting drunk. My 15 year old dd occasionally has a small glass of Prosecco.

lyralalala · 19/07/2020 23:43

I do. In fact I got lambasted on here when I moaned about another parent trying to circumnavigate the rules I put in place for my DD's 16th.

Where we live there is a massive drunk and drug problem among young people. I had alcoholic and drug addled parents so it's something I have a fear of.

It wouldn't work for everyone, but I allowed it under strict circumstances. Mostly in our house or a house that I trust. Just not in the park by the river.

Ds and DN are both at uni (normally). One doesn't drink at all and the other drinks very moderately. My girls are 17 and one doesn't drink at all and the other prefers nice wine to alcopops. Thankfully the girls both find the group of teens who drink until vomiting/needing their stomach pumped tragic.

I think a lot depends on the nature of your kids and where you live as to how much of an issue it's going to be

AlexaShutUp · 19/07/2020 23:47

No, I have a 15yo dd and don't give her alcohol at home. I wouldn't object to her having a small taste if she asked for it, but so far, she hasn't. Tbh, I drink so rarely that the issue wouldn't often arise - the last time I had alcohol was with a visiting friend in early Feb. DH tends to drink more often, but never very much.

I certainly don't want her to see it as a forbidden fruit, and I accept that she'll probably want to drink socially at some point in the next few years. That's fine, I just hope she does it sensibly. However, o don't think she needs to drink at 15 and I don't intend to encourage it. Thankfully, none of her friends seem that bothered about the whole drinking thing anyway - they're all into baking and walking and picnics! I think it helps that none of them are the socially awkward types who need to drink in order to overcome their social anxiety.

LovingLola · 19/07/2020 23:50

I’ve thrown my pearls away now and have nothing to clutch.

I’m not clutching pearls. I’ve adult children. Not in a million years would I have given alcohol to a 12 year old child.

HappyMealWithLegs · 19/07/2020 23:56

is this one of those "only on MN" things? At 17 I was drinking in every pub in town every weekend. We all did.

We have just been away for 4 days and 17 year old had all her pals round on Saturday for a sesh. Nobody has died.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 19/07/2020 23:57

My 16 year old just isn't interested in alcohol yet, and that's fine by me!
Don't know what I'd be like if he was.

AlexaShutUp · 20/07/2020 00:01

is this one of those "only on MN" things?

No, there are plenty of us in RL.

I often find that my RL friends who have teenagers who drink a lot assume that all other teenagers are doing the same thing, but they really aren't. Obviously, I don't push that point with them, because that would be rude.

okiedokieme · 20/07/2020 00:02

Ours drank wine with dinner (1-2 times a week) from 14. Cider occasionally, punch (weak cocktails) from 16 ish. Adults now, quite sensible

jmh740 · 20/07/2020 00:06

Yes thanks I've looked at lots of research on alcohol and drugs had training and have qualifications in this area as I work with teens with semh needs.

OchonAgusOchonO · 20/07/2020 00:07

@LovingLola - I’m not clutching pearls. I’ve adult children. Not in a million years would I have given alcohol to a 12 year old child.

Same here. I have 2 adult dc and one 17.5 year old.

These threads always amaze me. I really can't believe so many parents think it's OK to give alcohol to such young teens despite all the research that shows the harm it does.

OchonAgusOchonO · 20/07/2020 00:09

@jmh740 - Yes thanks I've looked at lots of research on alcohol and drugs had training and have qualifications in this area as I work with teens with semh needs.

So why are you going against all the research that states it's a bad idea?

I don't know what semh needs are?

Deadringer · 20/07/2020 00:17

Anyone who allows children to drink a small amount of alcohol in order for them to learn to drink responsibly is deluded imo. I have 4 adult dc, and i have never given them alcohol before 18. Two are tee total and the other two are very light social drinkers.

LovingLola · 20/07/2020 00:19

Yes thanks I've looked at lots of research on alcohol and drugs had training and have qualifications in this area as I work with teens with semh needs.

Can you provide links to research that promotes alcohol to children as healthy and advisable please.

jmh740 · 20/07/2020 00:22

Semh social emotional mental health needs.
I'm quite capable of reading research having my own opinion and doing a mental risk assessment of allowing my daughter to have 1 drink one xmas day, new years eve and her birthday.

jmh740 · 20/07/2020 00:28

Where did I say it was healthy? Im not suggesting everyone should parent the same way I do I said I had read the research and made my own decision about what is right for my child and my family, I sat down and spoke to her dad about it after she asked if she would be allowed a drink at xmas and we decided that we would allow her to have 1 drink.

OchonAgusOchonO · 20/07/2020 00:37

@jmh740 - I'm quite capable of reading research having my own opinion and doing a mental risk assessment of allowing my daughter to have 1 drink one xmas day, new years eve and her birthday.

If you have read the research, and I'd be interested to know what research you have read, why have you decided to act in a way the contravenes the advice of those who have conducted that research? In my experience, scientific research is not a matter of "opinion". It is based on hard data. What did your risk assessment consist of and how did you come to your conclusions?

jmh740 · 20/07/2020 00:41

My risk assessment was how much harm can come from her drinking 1 bottle over the course of one day and we decided not much.

OchonAgusOchonO · 20/07/2020 00:46

But it wasn't one bottle over one day and that was it. It was repeated. Did you not consider the research regarding the long term impact of the introduction to alcohol at a young age?

Emeraldshamrock · 20/07/2020 00:52

I would allow it. It is better to see a relaxed sensible approach to alcohol then sneaking about. A family friend took the opposite approach he let his DS drink like a fish on his 16th he was so sick he never drank alcohol again he is 21, the idiot could have poisoned his child.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/07/2020 00:55

@jmh740 Shock 12 years old, a taste maybe not a bottle.

amusedtodeath1 · 20/07/2020 00:56

When I was a kid my parents to always allowed us a "snowball" on New Year's Eve. The smaller you were the less advocaat they put in. I did exactly the same with my DD (now 16). Since lockdown she has told me of two times with friends she has got messy drunk (they were at a friend's house and their parents were present), thankfully friend's mum looked after her. And another time abroad with her father Angry. So I figured at 16 it's okay to offer her A drink now and again. I only drink on special occasions so pretty much only then.

I wouldn't be allowing her to drink regularly though, that's a different thing altogether.

jmh740 · 20/07/2020 01:03

So 3 bottles over 3 days only on special occasions, she knows we dont want her drinking at other people's houses only when she is with us. There are other people saying their 13 years olds drink every week I personally wouldnt allow that, I think there is a difference to knowing it's only acceptable on certain occasions to her knowing she can drink when she wants. The research is mainly about children who continue to drink over a long period of time, I know that alcohol effects brain development but there is no research i have read to show that 1 singular drink is damaging. She now wont be offered another drink until next xmas it's not like I'm giving her a drink every week. The law states that legally you can drink at home from 5 and have a pint out with a meal from 16 but I wouldnt allow that, I'm not saying everyone should do what we do but that we know our children we trust them to be sensible and know that they can talk to us about anything, doesnt mean everyone should parent the way we do. Over 10% of 11 year olds have had a drink over 50% of 11-15 year olds. Yes my daughter was 12 when she had her first drink 5 weeks away from her 13th b day. I'm not the only person on here who has said they allow their children to drink so I'm not sure why you have targeted me.

lyralalala · 20/07/2020 01:08

I think it's important to remember that the guidelines and reasearch don't take into account individual family circumstances

My kids, for example, have witnessed or heard of 3 generations of alcohol issues:

My parents were alcoholic drug addicts
My grandparents, who because of said problems, were beyond strict with my siblings and I (who they ended up with custody of) about alcohol - to the point they once fell out with my 23-year-old brother because he had a bottle of wine
My siblings and I have different takes - one of my brothers is an alcoholic (he's basically my father v2), my sister is a binge drinker and I had such a fear of alcohol that I used to literally shake if I saw someone even remotely tipsy drunk

I was determined that I didn't want my kids to fall on an extreme at either end because it's blighted enough lives as it is. Our family history, combined with where we live, has meant that my approach (which mostly comes from my MIL who grew up in Spain and DH and BIL have a very healthy/normal attitude to alcohol) of making alcohol not that interesting has worked. It wouldn't work for other families, but other families haven't had the same experience or live in the same circumstance.

OchonAgusOchonO · 20/07/2020 01:19

I'm not the only person on here who has said they allow their children to drink so I'm not sure why you have targeted me.

You're the only one I've read who said they give drink to a 12 year old. Maybe I missed someone else?

The research is mainly about children who continue to drink over a long period of time, I know that alcohol effects brain development but there is no research i have read to show that 1 singular drink is damaging.

The research also shows that children who are introduced to drink early are more likely to go on to become problem drinkers. And no, of course you won't find research that says a single drink is damaging. Damage is cumulative. It is particularly damaging to young people as their brains continue to develop until they are approximately 25.

blosstree · 20/07/2020 01:24

I don't have children of that age, but I was 16 when my parents started letting me have a drink in the house with my friends. We were quite a quiet group, so we weren't going out, but we would have a pizza and snacks and some wine and watch a film.

I have very positive memories of it and have a healthy relationship with alcohol as an adult. I think drinks with family meals is a good way to introduce alcohol as something to be enjoyed in moderation.

I think it's an unhealthy association for it to be something a bit taboo and only to be drank away from parents with the purpose of getting rat arsed. Not saying people on this thread have that opinion - just that it can be an unintended consequence of alcohol being seen as 'banned'.

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