to ask if you let your teenagers have alcohol

[betteliefsen]

DS (15, 16 early next year) asked if he could have a bottle of cider (4%) with dinner tonight. I said no and will continue to say no but it got me wondering if that's unusual or if other 15 year olds are allowed alcohol at home.
YABU - yes, I let my teenager have alcohol at home
YANBU - no, I don't let my teenager have alcohol at home

It may have been debunked, however anecdotally (I know) ...

DH drew up not allowed to touch alcohol. Bought his first pint in a pub on his 18th birthday by his father. Drinks a lot, seriously a lot though not quite enough to show so really quite hardened.

I grew up on mainland Europe, we didn't often have wine with meals. For celebrations from a very very young age I was 'allowed' wine. Looking back it was less than a teaspoonful in a tumbler of water.

These days, I hardly ever drink. I actually prefer spritzer to actual wine.

bette I had no reason to hide it from them.

Sharing a few ciders or a lambing was unlikely to get me too drunk anyway!

lambrini 😄

I don’t have teenagers yet but I was allowed the occasional drink as a teenager myself.
Me and my sisters were pretty wise when it came to drinking on nights out when we were old enough.
I’m 32 now and I very very rarely drink.
On the other hand kids in my year with stricter parents, totally went off the rails with drink once they were old enough.

Mine aren't teens yet but I was allowed alcohol at that age.

I don’t have teens so am not really in a position to answer but for me, leaving bits of your drink for them to consume (from say, 14+) makes sense: it busts the novelty and makes booze less alluring.

I do know a friend though who will host her 15yo daughters friends and will buy Hooch etc. Whilst they’re allowed only a limited number, three bottles each struck me as quite a lot. I will totally confess, I judge.

Left over bits of cider or beer, even the dregs of a white wine - ok. Actively hosting underagers and buying alcohol - no.

I find this a really difficult one to navigate. I think it is good to start with the understanding that people will have v different starting points and they all need to be respected.

My own view is that my DC need to learn how to navigate the world of alcohol because it is out there and its insidious. If you live in a world that does not involve it and/or you do not drink nor do your friends, then your approach will be different to mine. If your DC are not being offered alcohol at parties and in the park, then you can take a different view. Mine are being offered it - a lot (16 and 18 and we live in London). I can try and get them to say “no, never, or maybe when I am older” or i can get them to understand what is a good way of engaging. Alcohol is nice though - I know it and they know it.

My older DC is pretty chilled - @18 he likes beer which he mostly drinks with DH or Pre lockdown at the pub with mates, he likes a glass of wine, doesn’t go for spirits at all, has never come home drunk and is often the person who sorts out his less than sober mates. All good. My younger DC is harder - we’ve offered wine with meals from 15/16, but she is much more swayed by mates/alcopops/ illicit spirits in the park etc. We have had a couple of occasions which have not ended well and which have made me very tense and unhappy. After both of those we have had difficult and direct discussions. But in one sense they were good because they opened the door to those discussions. she said “I’m never going to drink again” but I said we need to look at where the evening went wrong and how it could not have done. She agreed that if she had eaten before going out and hadn’t drunk spirits she would have been ok - so we had some learning points. I’m not encouraging her at all, but I’m realistic enough to know its being offered to her and she has to know what to say when it is - the first time, the third time, the fifth time.

A talk i went to on teens and drinking said that it wasn’t a bad thing to have some “controlled explosions” when they were at home, under your control and could learn from it, and i definitely agree with that. But its hard, for sure.

Yes we would allow one drink with dinner like this. I don’t think he (DSS) was really that bothered until he was older though.

DS 18 dislikes alcohol but has one drink with friends to be sociable. It’s DH’s birthday (a very big one today) so he toasted his dad with some delicious Veuve Cliquot and then declared it “disgusting”. I’m pretty happy about this. He got pissed once on a disgusting mixture of alcopops about 3 years ago and that was it for him. Me, not so much

We don't keep spirits in the house at all. I have had periods with my mental health problems when I have found moderation difficult but do have wine and beer around. Dd1 (20) drinks moderately as far as I know, she lives with her boyfriend locally and will have a glass or two of wine if they're here for Sunday tea. Ds is 18 and has had a few binges which have made him quite wary about the strength of alcohol. He'll have a couple of beers now and then at the weekend (he's on a zoom Escape a Room call for a friends birthday right now and has bought a 4 pack of Corona). Dd2 is 16 and doesn't like wine or beer. She'll have a bottle of fruit cider or a can of cocktail (she likes Tesco strawberry daiquiri which is 5% alcohol) on special occasions. She loves Prosecco but we only have it on birthdays/Christmas.

We try to make it something that isn't everyday, is a treat but not such a HUGE treat that it becomes too exciting.

I allow my teens to have alcohol, they are 13,14&15. They can have a glass of wine or Prosecco with lemonade or if I’ve got those ready made cans of cosmopolitan or woowoo I don’t mind if they have one of those. At Christmas they try a tiny glass of baileys or beer. We very rarely drink alcohol so it is maybe 4 or 5 times a year that they ask or I offer.

We both grew up with an alcoholic parent so we don’t want to let them see it as something that is totally banned in our house.

I’d totally let the eldest take a bottle of beer or alcopop to a party but I wouldn’t be keen on them taking a bottle of spirits under 18.

I don't have teenagers but when I was a kid (I'm 26 now) my parents kept low alcohol beer and wine in the house most of the time and if we wanted it we just had to ask. Never anything stronger than cider until we were 18 but because we could have it pretty much whenever we wanted, neither me nor my elder brother have ever been ones to go out partying and getting drunk. The novelty wore off long before we turned 18

I didn't give my children alcohol at home mostly because exh and I don't drink so there was never any at home. My children are adults now and rarely drink either and none of them drink in their own homes.

Yes, but I believe it’s up to each family to decide what’s best for their own situation.

All turned out well here (DS now out of teens & drank/drinks rarely) but that might be for any number reasons aside from, or in tandem with, being allowed alcohol pre 18.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone else allowing alcohol on the basis that it was ok for me/him/our family because I can’t be sure why it worked for us (variables are too many!)

Ultimately as a parent you know yourself & your kids better than any pro/anti report or other parents on MN.

I have 6 dc over 18. No alcohol agreed by me... But the dc who's df actually egged him on to get pissed under age is the only dc with issues with alcohol now....
Guidelines now say dabbling under age has more links to alcoholism than dc who's parents deny them it..

I was allowed a small glass of wine at around 14 with dinner. Babysham or a snowball at christmas. I rarely drink now. My 13 year old has had the odd sip of beer or a small shandy.

You need to read this

I’m pretty sure you are just helping your kids to get a taste for alcohol if you give it to them young. My 16 yo DD has tasted alcohol but doesn’t like it and I’m not encouraging her. My DS is 12 and I won’t be encouraging him either. When I was young I used to have much more that would be deemed appropriate for a kid; babycham, snowballs, shandy etc...despite the fact neither of my parents drank that much. I have since suffered alcohol problems and drank way too much in my teens and twenties. Having said that, they’ll drink if they want to drink regardless of their parents and I expect their friendship groups have influence.

Yeah I allow my daughter the occasional taste/small amount if she asks - she doesn't like it very much. Hopefully she won't sneak drinks with the mates... even some of the nicest seem to have access to alcohol. She knows I disapprove strongly of teenagers getting drunk.

A tiny bit at home eg a bucks fizz on Christmas Day but generally no.

I've never understood parents who send their 15 year olds off to parties with a 4 pack.

DS15 is allowed lager or cider at home. He rarely bothers. I was brought up to have wine with dinner throughout my teens and never went off the rails with my mates. I'm hoping my approach works the same way. He will always say yes to champagne at celebrations but always turns down wine.

I’ve allowed it since the age of 12.
There are rules though. At the age of 12, they were allowed little sips just to taste it.

From the age of 14, they’ve been allowed to have a bottle of beer on a Friday night.

My 20 year old now rarely drinks, and my 16 year old never drinks.

I’ll possibly let mine when they are a bit older but tbh they are both rugby boys so I expect a cider with Sunday dinner will be the least of my worries and it’ll be more parties with friends etc I’ll have to keep an eye out for during the teenage years.

Mine have been allowed an occasion beer or cider since about 14 yo. At 17 & 19 they're much better at drinking in moderation than some of their friends.

I don't drink at home, but if I did then yes I'd let my ds who's 16, my dd is 18 and has only just acquired the taste for alcohol, she was never really bothered before despite going to parties from the age of 13/14 where school friend would get completely drunk.

I have ciders in the fridge and my ds occasionally jokes about having one, but he's not really interested. I do believe that if the adults often drink at home, but don't allow the 15/16 year old a glass of lager or cider with a meal then you are making it more attractive to them, and storing up problems for later.