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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with late friend’s husband

302 replies

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:33

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 19/07/2020 21:52

Best ignored because you can’t argue with the logic of ‘actually, we do respect the dead’. Sure. no, because you’re talking offensive and goady bollocks for which you’ve already had one post removed.

Colom · 19/07/2020 21:52

Amazed so many think this is okay... I'm very sorry for your loss OP but this is wrong and very, very disloyal to your friend.

Maybe some would be happy for their husband to move on to their best friend after death but the though of my husband getting together with my friend a mere few months after I'm gone makes me feel sick in my stomach.

As I said I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think both of you need to take a step back. Honestly if I heard of this happening with people I know I would be disgusted.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 19/07/2020 21:52

I completely understand this OP !! My hugely beloved godmother shocked everyone when she met and fell in love with someone soon after her adored husbands death. The reason is simple ;

If your experienced marriage has been wonderful , then you are not scared to do that again ..

Unfortunate HIS children (adults) were Horrendous.. came to visit him with their dead mothers ashes... plonked then in the mantelpiece and said 'now let mum see what you are doing'...

Selfish , selfish, selfish... they saw him twice a year . !!

Thank god he had balls..

They are both in their 90s and so very very happy ...

Ignore idiots and enjoy the life of the living !!

ruthieness · 19/07/2020 21:52

I would warn you OP that even after years of a such a relationship many people will still patronisingly suggest that he is with you for "companionship" when in fact it is love, ,and no different from the love that existed in his first marriage.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 19/07/2020 21:52

@SchadenfreudePersonified I've abused the OP? Confused

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 21:52

@NailsNeedDoing

I’m six years into being a widow and I think the one thing that is guaranteed is that you will be judged for dating a widower, as will he be. But the judgement comes from people who have no first hand experience of being in a situation like this so their opinions are worth next to nothing. People project their own fears when they make judgments like this, it’s because they’re scared that their own partner would be able to be with someone else if they died, or because they genuinely can’t imagine moving forward if they became widowed. I chose to feel thankful on their behalf that they had no clue what it feels like to lose the person you thought you’d have for so much longer, and let it go.

You do what makes you both feel happier. Life is too fragile not to.

I think this is a wise comment.

People are just going to project onto you, their own feelings, if they were to find themselves in the same situation.

puzzledpiece · 19/07/2020 21:52

Take it at your own pace and whatever you both feel is right for you. What other people feel is quite irrelevant. You are middle aged adults, you love each other. That's all that matters. People who cate for you will be happy for both of you. Life is short as you've both seen first hand. Good luck

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 21:53

I’ve just had a telling-off email from MNHQ so I’m going to bow out now. I stand by my comments that it’s too early, that we do (as a species) respect the dead instead of binning off any sentimentality and moving on as quickly as possible, and that typing Live, Laugh, Love is easy to do but difficult to follow though. But I’m sorry for anyone I upset with my comments, it’s too easy to believe that it’s an anonymous screen with nobody behind it, and that was wrong of me Flowers

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 19/07/2020 21:53

I think you need to take it slowly - you could just be clinging onto each other in your grief? If you get involved now, you could find your relationship doesn't really stand a chance as you move forward. Try to just be friends for another six months and then see how you feel.

It can be very difficult being the 'transition relationship' (and they often don't last) when someone is moving on from a long-term one. You may find yourself doubly distraught if six months or so down the line you are not only still grieving for your friend but also a love affair that hasn't worked out.

feelingfragile · 19/07/2020 21:54

Not sure that we should talk about 'respecting the dead' when we use language like 'firing one in' and compare being in a relationship to wearing someone's clothes and jewellery.

I'd be very happy (from beyond the grave) if my husband and my best friend got together if anything happened to me. Astounded but happy.

rvby · 19/07/2020 21:55

What does it mean to "respect" the dead? They dont even exist anymore.

Unless a pile of bones is sentient and could take offense to what living creatures are doing?

I suspect ideas of living people "respecting the dead" by not having sex with other living people for x number of months is ridiculous enough that the question goes unanswered...

These types of beliefs have nothing to do with "the dead". They're about placating the living, to help them not think about the fact that love is actually quite easy to find and that they could, in fact, be easily replaced in the affections of their loved ones.

Which is interesting to me, because I want my loved ones to be comforted as quickly as possible after I am dead. Because I love them... and dont want them to suffer... it's not brain surgery is it? Unless one's ego really is extraordinarily fragile.

Colom · 19/07/2020 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NavyBerry · 19/07/2020 21:56

I hope you will make each other happy, the life is there for you to live

MitziK · 19/07/2020 21:56

The religious version of marriage vows state that marriage is for life. Marriage ends at death, not six months, a year, or ten years afterwards.

If even the Church can accept that people want and need to be in relationships after a spouse has died, I'm pretty sure that us Godless Heathens/Atheists can accept it without being so damn sniffy about it.

Take it slow and enjoy the journey, @CrossingTheLine. It might be the best thing that happens for both of you.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/07/2020 21:57

Some people just don't like to be alone after a spouse's death.
I hope his feelings are genuine.

Forflipssake2 · 19/07/2020 21:57

@Spaghettio

As someone who was a widow, and have married a widower (and we both had young children), I speak with first hand knowledge and experience.

Do whatever the hell you want. If you and he both feel it is time, go for it. The only people who can judge the situation are the two of you.

You may (or at not) have comments, but quite frankly, it's no one else's business.

Good luck to you both.

This
Surviving1 · 19/07/2020 22:00

Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

It's not too soon if it feels right for you. The fact that his tests are eagerly anticipated is a strong pointer.

You also know he has good taste in women and I assume you know he was a good husband to your friend. If he wasn't clearly you should be more cautious.
I'm not suggesting you get married just yet, but that you act on your feelings for him if you have feelings for him. If you do it might be time for dinner for two.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/07/2020 22:01

To add it has happened many times before you won't be the first. I personally would like two people I loved to find happiness together.
DP would be total against it, we have discussed it his wish is if I moved on I do it with a stranger. He knows his friend is sneaky

NancyPickford · 19/07/2020 22:01

Life is short.
As you both have found out.
You are both grieving a loved one (him more than you obviously).
I would say you are united in grief which gives you so much in common, him his beloved wife, you, your beloved friend.
Take comfort in each other, who knows what will happen - rule nothing out, and I wish you both the best of happiness.

puzzledpiece · 19/07/2020 22:01

It's a testament to the love and happiness the widowers marriage gave him, that he wants to share love with someone who also loved his late wife. This pairing is not the shame as a couple who meet online. They have known each other, usually for years, before that friendship turns to love as well.

AlternativePerspective · 19/07/2020 22:02

I'd say it's more to do with most men respecting their cock more than their dead wives to be honest. Why? If a man rushes straight out and starts shagging everything that moves then I would agree. But many of these men enter into a relationship and stay together for years. And regardless of all that, physical affection is an actual human need, and if it’s been a long illness that part of the relationship will have disappeared months or even years before the person’s death.

PennyTwirl · 19/07/2020 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2020 22:03

You both loved her, she loved both of you, so you will have a lot in common and its understandable that you would develop feelings. I know of two marriages that happened after the death of a spouse/friend and not in an "affair" way. You cling to the people who understand your grief best and sometimes that grows into something more.

That said, I would take things very slowly and make sure that you or he are not transeferring your feelings of loss into this potential relationship.

OhCaptain · 19/07/2020 22:03

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I think you’re being a bit unfair. I think the children of the deceased can be forgiven for being upset when a parent moves on quickly!

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 22:03

@Colom

I have read that men who were in happy marriages and lose their spouse often move on 'quickly' because they want that again.

I'd say it's more to do with most men respecting their cock more than their dead wives to be honest.

I don't think so. He would be trying to get into her pants immediately if that were the case. This has developed over a period of 7 months.