To think no one really gets what it's like to lose a parent unless they've been through it

[downforwhat]

I'm going to lose my second parent soon. I lost my mum in my early 20s to cancer and now my dad is at the end stages of cancer whilst I'm in my 30s. I feel so sad that I will have to go through the majority of my life with no parents.

What is harder is that most friends still have both parents and some even have grandparents still. They have no idea what it is like to lose one parent let alone two. Of course that is not their fault, but I'm feeling particularly upset that a couple of my closest friends have barely checked in with me, given that I have been caring for my dad throughout lockdown, with virtually no help, haven't even had a phone call from them. Clearly they have no idea what it is like to nurse someone through cancer to the end of their life, and how emotionally draining and all consuming it is.

I get that people are busy, but surely they could manage more than a how's your dad? text every month or so. I can't imagine being like that if one of my friends was going through the same.

So I guess unless you have lost a parent, it's hard to have any concept of what it is like, or AIBU to expect more support from my friends who have not lost a parent ?

I'd lost both my parents by 25, it is really hard and no one knows until they've been through it.

I always feel like everyone else just takes it for granted that they have their parents around.

Sorry you're going through this

I think it is hard for people to comprehend how it feels to lose a parent when they haven’t. However, saying that, I don’t think your friends are being particularly good friends just dropping you a text once a month. They could still be there for you regardless of not having gone through the same thing.

I think it can depend on your friends. My closest friend was fantastic when my mum was dying and more so after she died. We live miles apart now but the support was still there. She has a very close relationship with her parents and I think she is dreading the inevitable so can appreciate how I am feeling because she’s putting herself in my shoes for the future if that makes sense.
it’s all a bit shit isn’t it?

No I don't, because everyone's relationship is different. So I don't think anyone knows what it's like to lose a parent, even if they've lost one. And certainly not in such tragic circumstances as both dying while you are youngish of cancer.

My father died 4 years ago but we weren't close - and he died of old age. I wouldn't presume at all to have any kind of idea what it's like to lose a parent you are close to at a young age.

I think you are completely right. Am sure they are not being intentionally self centred or uncaring but am sorry you aren’t feeling more supported. I would reach out to them however if I were you. I might not think to check in with friends who are going through a tough time as we all have our own (admittedly more minor) worries to deal with, but if they got in touch saying they were feeling down, I would drop everything to be with them or to spend time chatting etc.

No one knows until they have been through it. You think you know but you don't know. X

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Yes, I do think that's true, but it's true of most experiences. You can't truly understand heartbreak or miscarriage or anything else unless you've been through it. But that doesn't mean you can't sympathise and be supportive. You can reconsider your friendships if they're not working for you.

I personally don't. However when I was 19 my best friend lost her mum to cancer, so I have seen what it does to a person. I'm sorry your friends haven't checked in, it's a horrible time and I'm sending you so much love and strength

I lost my Mum when I was 12 to cancer and I’ve just lost my Dad (I’m 41) eight weeks ago. It’s a very lonely feeling and as you say, it’s hard knowing you won’t have any parents for the rest of your life. I’m heartbroken. You need to get as much support as you can and reach out to people. Sending you a big hug downforwhat. X

Not everybody has a good relationship with their parents so losing a parent may not hit harder than the loss of other people in their lives.

I'm saying this from experience sadly, I had a strained relationship with my dad and he died when I was in my 20's. It may sound callous but it did not affect my daily life much as we weren't close.

So in answer to your question, I have lost a parent but still probably don't understand what it's like to lose a proper parent.

I agree, I lost my dad 6 years ago and since then taken on more and more responsibilities to care for my mum who is now housebound
None of my friends have lost parents or care in the way I do, they don’t get it when I say no to nights out as I have stuff to do with my mum or feel shattered. One friend and her sister really don’t get it and it upsets me to see how selfish they are at times with their comments. I have 1 mum and in fact 1 family member left so she comes first
I’ve changed as a person since losing my beloved dad and I don’t think I’ll ever get the carefree happy go lucky me back

My DM died when I was 11 to cancer. That affected my whole life. Then I lost my DF and a well loved DSM in my late 30’s & early 40’s. One illness and one accident. So in total I’ve lost 3 parents. I’m now the oldest in my family line and I’m mid 40’s. It makes me feel so alone.

for you @downforwhat
I don’t think those with living parents and grandparents can understand at all. That’s nothing bad against them. It’s just how it is and I’m so envious of them if I’m honest.

You’re friends haven’t been good friends and I’m sorry for how that must add to how you’re feeling.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, any loss is difficult. But, in an ideal world we all outlive our parents. Be thankful that your parents would much rather you bury them than the other way around.

(I know that sounds harsh but it truly isn't meant to.)

Thank you everyone for kind words. It has made me reconsider these friendships, but then I don't know whether I am expecting too much when people don't get how badly it can affect you. I don't want to lose my friends as well, but I am feeling hurt, especially as a single parent I don't have anyone to offload to at the end of the day so it feels even more lonely.

God that's awful. I'm so sorry.

I think people do not understand what it's like to lose parents young and they don't understand what dying from cancer is really like.

I lost a parent young to cancer and cared for them. I quickly realised that most people imagined it was like they saw on tv/films where it's all very gentle, the person is independent albeit slightly poorly until the very end then gets sleepy and dies, having still been talking a few moments before.

They had no clue what the reality is like and being generous perhaps that is partly why your friends are being so crap. Although I still find it shocking that's all they can muster for you.

The living without parents, especially at an age where almost everyone around you takes it for granted their parents will be there for decades to come - so much so that they don't even notice how much they rely on their parents still and don't notice their hypocrisy when they comment on how you're an adult so surely you shouldn't be so affected... the only people I've ever known who truly got it had experienced it. Meeting other people who'd been through similar was the only thing that ever really brought me any comfort.

It is ok for you to feel let down, hurt, frustrated, angry, jealous... It is ok for you to have feelings about this and about how people in your life are responding and treating you. You don't actually have to be the understanding one making it comfortable for them.

You deserve more and better support than you've had.

I wish I could say something that would take a tiny bit of the edge off what you're going through. Life can be so cruel.

I lost my Mum at 13 and my Dad at 20. You certainly grow up fast!

Just lost my second parent (he was only 69) and am bereft.

I can’t believe my siblings and I are orphans.

And yes, death sorts out the good friends from the bad.

Don’t want to depress you but I’m finding it much harder going this time especially as we have to clear & sell our family home.

I’m crying just writing about it.

I know exactly how you feel- you feel orphaned, I loss my mum at 22 and my Dad and 23 and at the time I thought I dealt with it ( mainly through drink) but it's only now when I see kids of that age at work etc that I realise how young I was.

I've never really recovered from it and I think it's partly why I've never married or had children- as I won't have my parents to share it with- it doesn't seem that important iykwim- it's very hard x

I’ve lost a parent but have no sense of loss or any strong emotions so I think it largely depends on the relationship. I doubt I’ll feel any differently when my other (mostly estranged) parent dies. Whereas I know my children would be more affected because we’ve fostered a very different relationship with them.

I was far more affected by the sudden deaths of 2 people within my peer group when in my mid 20s.

All grief is different.

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time to cope with. I agree - unless you have been there it is impossible to understand how it feels. I lost both my parents 2 years ago within 3 months of each other. It still feels strange to not have parents - and I am older than you (46) but still feel quite young to not have parents.

Perhaps try messaging your friends and say you are struggling. They probably have no idea and can’t even imagine what you’re dealing with. Or don’t know what to say. Or don’t know what’s involved etc.

Much love to you x

I really feel for you. I don’t think people understand. I know now that I didn’t. I’ve lost both parents within the past 18 months and it’s pretty dark.

Yes, some friends definitely don’t get it, but I can tell that some are making an effort even though they don’t entirely ‘get’ it. One very old friend has barely been in touch this time round and I’m afraid I now think the friendship is over. But, having gone through several parental cancers and two deaths, I do wonder if I should have just called people on it and said, hey, this is really hard, you help? Rather than losing the friendship IYSWIM

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s like a blow.
It is all encompassing and you are right no one can really understand it untill it happens to them but you will get through this and be ok again.

Your friends are probably unsure how best to help and the pandemic makes it harder but the next time they message don’t just say I’m ok , but say I wouldnt mind a socially distanced coffee or something. Tell them.

Or see if there’s anyone professional or in a bereavement charity you can speak to about this as it sounds like you need a bit of friendly support and TLC

I feel awful to admit this but I sometimes feel really hurt and annoyed by friends who are rightly upset at the illness of a parent in their nineties, I’m sympathetic but I sometimes have to bite my lip not to say, you have had years with your parent and a loving relationship with them. I lost mine and you certainly weren’t there for me
Whatsoever.
I feel bad admitting that.
Maybe it’s because people are worried that one might get too emotional, when all you really want is a friendly cup of tea and a chat about normal things.

If that was true no novelist could ever write a convincing novel unless she had personally experienced every situation/ condition written about

You are quite right, it's a particularly jagged and constant "missing" feeling if you had a close parent-child relationship . It makes me very aware that there are other losses and situations that I can't comprehend because I haven't experienced them so I try to be extra sensitive to friends that have.

Be kind to yourself

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff one of mine currently making a massive fuss about their cat dying.

I’m totally ignoring it. It’s a cat FFS. My father just died and they ignored that.