To think no one really gets what it's like to lose a parent unless they've been through it

[downforwhat]

I'm going to lose my second parent soon. I lost my mum in my early 20s to cancer and now my dad is at the end stages of cancer whilst I'm in my 30s. I feel so sad that I will have to go through the majority of my life with no parents.

What is harder is that most friends still have both parents and some even have grandparents still. They have no idea what it is like to lose one parent let alone two. Of course that is not their fault, but I'm feeling particularly upset that a couple of my closest friends have barely checked in with me, given that I have been caring for my dad throughout lockdown, with virtually no help, haven't even had a phone call from them. Clearly they have no idea what it is like to nurse someone through cancer to the end of their life, and how emotionally draining and all consuming it is.

I get that people are busy, but surely they could manage more than a how's your dad? text every month or so. I can't imagine being like that if one of my friends was going through the same.

So I guess unless you have lost a parent, it's hard to have any concept of what it is like, or AIBU to expect more support from my friends who have not lost a parent ?

I am so sorry
I completely agree with you. My dad died in 2015 and I noticed how... blasé people seemed about it. It is almost like, as a poster, living up to their username, above said (I'm sure it was meant kindly) that is the natural order of things and therefore 'fine' and we should just feel jolly acceptance and carry on. Well it wasn't fine, it was awful, and devastating. Because it's not just the 'natural order' (funnily enough I expected he would die before me, especially as an older dad) but the fact that watching someone die - the final stage took several weeks - is horrendous. I also think that, although it is 'expected' it is also deeply shocking.
I felt like I learnt so much about grief and loss from it. Never offer platitudes ('it's natural' or, as someone said to me 'he had a good innings'), just be sympathetic and say something nice about the deceased, if you knew them.
People don't mean to be thoughtless or unkind, but I can imagine how hurt you feel. One very valuable thing I did was contact Cruse, who gave wonderful help.

I coped pretty well as both my parents died when I was 30 but my children have one living grandparent who is in a nursing home and it’s a constant reminder that they have gone. I feel awful that they have missed out on so much love. Friends always forget when talking to my DCs about seeing grandparents.

Sorry for your predicament . Whilst people can sympathise / emphasise the experience is unique to the individual - at least that’s my view . I lost both of my parents within five weeks of each other in my early 40’s - devastating but at least I have happy memories and many years later certain things trigger those memories and tears x

Yup I completely agree.

I read something interesting written by a psychologist about how your mum is your emotional touchstone - the person you refer back to and know will always be there for you (just as when you were a child). This works even if you're not particularly close or your mum, as long as there wasn't abuse of any kind.

I remember the first morning I woke up knowing Mum wasn't here any more. The world was a different place.

I agree with you OP.

I lost my dad at 21 and my mum at 32 - I cared for her at the end too. I lost my birth parents as a child too - mother in childbirth and father, who I didn’t ever live with but who I had a relationship with and loved, at 13. So technically I’ve lost 4 parents.

Most of my friends still have both parents. Even friends older than me. DH has just lost his gran in her 90s, it’s very sad and she was wonderful and I hate that he’s hurting, but I also do think sometimes he has no idea what’s coming with his parents. It sort of scares me for him in a way.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP and that your friends aren’t being as supportive as they could. I found you definitely find out who your real friends are in those circumstances- I haven’t fallen out with anyone but I’ve definitely massively adjusted my expectations of people/ friendships since loosing my mum. On the other hand I also had some friends who were absolutely amazing and I’ll never forget their kindness. Take care and be very kind to yourself.

Yanbu. There is no way they would know thankfully.
My heart was physically in pain when DM died not as a metaphor my heart was actually crushing I couldn't breath.
It was an emotion I'd never experienced although I'd been saddened by death in the past, I've had huge emotions giving birth, miscarriage, MH issues but nothing compared to the feeling of losing my DM and the circumstances around it due to Covid19.
I'm so sorry OP there are no words to make it better.

My dad died when I was 5, my mum when I was 21. As PP have said it depends on the relationship with your parents as to how you react to them dying. For me, it has been at milestone events that I think about it, university graduation, birth of DD etc. I must admit to having a twinge of envy when I see people interacting with the parents or upon people talking about them. I would have liked to have known my dad.

I lost ( ridiculous word - he died, I didn't lose him) my dad when I was just 2, so have absolutely no concept of what having a father is - I was very reliant on my mum, but also struggled really hard with her which made life very conflicting and difficult. She died last year aged almost 90, and as much as I 'wanted' her too ( she went though a horrendous last few months and I was begging her to let go) when it finally happened, I was completely devastated. I had no idea that I would feel so lost and afraid. She was always there and I miss her so much. My friends and colleagues are generally younger than me -or their parents were younger when they were born and I do get a little fed p with the 'I just wont cope when my mum and dad die'. You will - you will have to!!

Yanbu. My dad died in December, only 1 friend checked how I was on Father's Day.
People didn't check how I was after the first couple of days.
I also received quite a lot of insensitive comments about it. "At least you know he's dying so you've time to say good bye".

So sorry to hear to everyone who's posted about the death of a parent. I'm a friend of someone who's mother is in her final weeks of life. I've texted her every few weeks and I dropped a meal and cake at her house last week as I know her and her family must be in the care home most or all days. I live 4 hours away and I'm really struggling to know how to be a good friend. Can anyone suggest what would be helpful. We're two of a very long standing friendship group. I've known her almost 20 years but never chatted on the phone or been for a drink just us two.

My dad died 4 months after my mum. It's been ten years and I miss them every single day.

I loved them both very much and they were the best parents who gave my sister and me the best childhood. I felt shattered into a million pieces when they died and I've never been quite the same person since - something in me fundamentally changed.

I feel awful to admit this but I sometimes feel really hurt and annoyed by friends who are rightly upset at the illness of a parent in their nineties, I’m sympathetic but I sometimes have to bite my lip not to say, you have had years with your parent and a loving relationship with them. I lost mine and you certainly weren’t there for me

I've experienced similar feelings.

I knew a lady who died before her baby had even had its first birthday..... That same week I remember chatting to a lady at my gym...she was mid seventies and her mum was still alive and she was going to visit her. Just seemed so unbelievably unfair.

@Ifawl
Be consistent. Remember her. Walk with her still 6 months down the line when everyone has moved on and experts her to be "over it" .

Don't be one of those people who evaporates or acts like "this difficult time" is done and gone as soon as the final has happened.

Both of my parents have died, my father several years ago and my mother just recently. I didn’t have the pain of seeing them go through a dreadful illness, as they both died unexpectedly (which was extremely painful for me, though a different experience to a death due to a long illness). The feeling of being orphaned is awful, even as an adult.

My friends have been kind and sympathetic, including those whose parents are still living as well as those who have lost one or both parents. I haven’t really asked for support from them beyond kindness and sympathy. I’m not sure what else they could do. Is there something specific you would like your friends to say or do?

Funeral not final.

Thank you @user that's so helpful to remember.

I lost my parents at 12. To be honest I think people do as well as they can... it’s awkward for them, they can’t imagine it and they don’t want to.

I’m sorry about your dad; and I hope you’re both as okay as possible 💕

@Daftasabroom

I'm truly sorry for your loss, any loss is difficult. But, in an ideal world we all outlive our parents. Be thankful that your parents would much rather you bury them than the other way around.

(I know that sounds harsh but it truly isn't meant to.)

And boom, there's your example of people not really getting what it's like. 'Be thankful' - ffs.

There's an old African American song that goes, 'sometimes I feel like a motherless child'. I lost both my parents in the last 10 years, although not as young as you OP. IME there is no bond like that between a mother and her child (unless she was abusive) and losing your mother is a very deep, almost primal instinctive, pain, such a deep sense of loss. And even though for me I wasn't as close to my father and he died at an old age so not unexpected, it still feels like the world has changed, I'm an orphan now.

for you OP. I think many 20-somethings and even 30-somethings haven't yet experienced any bereavement themselves so are just a bit clueless - but it feels cruel and insensitive.

It's hard, when someone else is going through this, to know what's best. OP you say it's hard that you only get a "how's your dad" once a month, but in all honesty, I don't know what else I could do to show a friend in your situation that I'm thinking of them. I'd not want to encroach or add any extra burden on what is clearly a sad and stressful time.

Checking in weekly/monthly and reminding you I'm here if you need is toeing the time between "thinking of you" and "giving you more to have to think about".

Yes you're right but that's to be expected really. I used to read on Facebook from time to time about friends losing their mum or dad and I'd put a 'sad face' emoji and wrote ' I'm so sorry to read this.' And I genuinely was sorry. But then I'd forget about it and that would be that. I couldn't relate but I felt sad for my friends.

And then, last year, my mum and dad died within 8 weeks of each other. I was close to both but especially so my mum. I still can't comprehend that this has happened and they're not here and I don't get to speak to my mum / which I did every single day

So now I really get it. And my heart goes out to anyone else in this shit club. I have this weird thought sometimes - or I did in the early days of them dying - that we are all stood in a queue, waiting for our parents to die. And it was just my turn at the beginning of the queue. I comfort myself by telling myself I was lucky enough to have had them for 47 years and that is something to be grateful for.

So YANBU OP and I sincerely pass on my condolences for your loss and your loss to come. It's absolutely awful and we all know how you feel.

I think some people just 'dont get' things until they have personally experienced them, I think that's quite limiting tbh and would hate to not have the imagination to put myself in others shoes.
I lost my dad way before any of my peers lost a parent aged 23, I found that most got it although one or two thought I should have been over it a year after.
My mum is dying and I am very sad but she is 75 and I feel I was lucky to have had her for this long.

I have recently lost my lovely mum & my dad died when I was 6. I also have no surviving grandparents and only one aunt who I'm not close with so in one fell swoop since my mum died I have realised how alone in the world I am. I am 28 and have siblings which is a comfort but I do feel so resentful of people who complain about their parents (I would never say so - I was the same before I lost my mum suddenly) but I sometimes want to give them a shake and say 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING!' Of course I don't say anything but I do wonder how people will cope when it happens to them. My mum was young & it was very sudden and unexpected - but I have tried to tell myself it wouldn't matter what age she was the whole thing would be just as terrible at any age. Although I will confess a colleague's mother had been unwell and everyone was saying how awful etc it is & I was thinking "what? Shes 97! Shes had her life" But I do realise that is the anger part of my grief coming through. I think it's a surreal situation to be in and until it happens you can't imagine the weight of it. I am almost sad for my friends already because I know how bad it is.

I lost both mine within a few months in my 30s. Only one of my friends had lost a parent and none had lost both. I think it's just really hard for most people to comprehend what it's like to lose one, and especially both, parents relatively young. I also lost a lot of friends around that time because of their lack of support - if I were to be generous, I think they just had no idea what to do. But it wouldn't have taken much for them to show up, and in hindsight I could have asked for help. I'm still jealous of friends who have parents and even grandparents. Nobody really feels that sorry for an adult orphan but it's still really painful.

Sorry, reading my message back it looks like a criticism of the OP. Not my intention at all. What I meant was that your friends may not know what you would like them to do, how they can help in the circumstances.