To think no one really gets what it's like to lose a parent unless they've been through it

[downforwhat]

I'm going to lose my second parent soon. I lost my mum in my early 20s to cancer and now my dad is at the end stages of cancer whilst I'm in my 30s. I feel so sad that I will have to go through the majority of my life with no parents.

What is harder is that most friends still have both parents and some even have grandparents still. They have no idea what it is like to lose one parent let alone two. Of course that is not their fault, but I'm feeling particularly upset that a couple of my closest friends have barely checked in with me, given that I have been caring for my dad throughout lockdown, with virtually no help, haven't even had a phone call from them. Clearly they have no idea what it is like to nurse someone through cancer to the end of their life, and how emotionally draining and all consuming it is.

I get that people are busy, but surely they could manage more than a how's your dad? text every month or so. I can't imagine being like that if one of my friends was going through the same.

So I guess unless you have lost a parent, it's hard to have any concept of what it is like, or AIBU to expect more support from my friends who have not lost a parent ?

I didn't have the closest relationship with my parents, but losing them both in the last 18 months has shattered me.

I think I'm grieving as much for the parents I wanted and needed and never had, as for them themselves.

Like you, most of my friends still have both parents (luckily), and most don't really want to engage - I think it reminds them of their own parents' mortality. I understand, but it's lonely.

I lost my df 3 years ago today. He too was unwell before he passed.
I only told my close friends and they were really supportive, however, my dh was useless. He didn’t have a clue, why would he? He has both his parents still alive.
Take it easy op

I'm so sorry about what you are going through OP. It sounds like your friends have been a bit disappointing in how they have acted.

But don't take your anger at this whole situation out on your friends. No matter what they say, this is going to be a shit time.

Don't think that they haven't contacted you because they think it's no big deal. Maybe they don't know what to say. Some might say that's no excuse but if you ever read the "what not to say to a friend who is grieving" threads on here, literally everything is on the list. So it can be a minefield. Maybe they think you are really busy and don't want to be bothered.

@penelopeplums

I lost it yesterday, my DD got her university results. I've been coping well with Dad dying but yesterday I cried because he can't see her results. He'd have been so proud of her. Like others, my children now have very little family - just me and one grandparent.

@penelopeplums I totally get this and for you. I hate that I can’t ring DSM any more and tell her how well DD has done in things. They mutually adored each other and I think I mourn DD’s loss for her more than my own.

Thanks @RonnieBob and for you too.

It's a club none of us want to be in. I felt like a part of me had died when my mum died. So sorry for what you're going through. It is awful.

Is there a possibility your friends are scared to intrude on your last weeks together? Could they be steering clear because of Covid? It may be worth asking for support - not that you should have to, but some people don't know how to help. However, I also found it difficult to ask for help as I didn't know what I needed, I was trying to simply function whilst exhausted and bereft.

I inwardly feel angry with hands off grandparents who can't be arsed with grandkids as I know my mum would have been actively involved with hers. I feel a sense of yearning when I see other kids with their grans.

I've lost a parent but I still don't understand in all honesty. I won't feel sad when the second one goes either. They were shit parents. I know I'm sounding horrible but I probably understand less than someone who still has both parents alive, because they can see what they would/will be losing whereas it was never any loss to me. So I don't think you can generalise like that. I'm sorry you're not getting any support but I imagine it's more because of everything else going on right now, rather than them not caring. I never know what to say to people when they are going through something such as you are now so that is probably also a factor.

I lost my Mum at 30 and find it hard - partly because my Dad became very distant to his children / grandchildren so although we are not orphans there's no support there..

Yes it always hits me several years later when I see people having coffee / lunch / holidays with their parents as I'm very jealous

@TabbyM my dad also went a bit distant, despite being an amazing dad previously. Hurt like hell.

*I lost my Mum at 30 and find it hard - partly because my Dad became very distant to his children / grandchildren so although we are not orphans there's no support there..

Yes it always hits me several years later when I see people having coffee / lunch / holidays with their parents as I'm very jealous*

I feel similarly, my DM died when my DC were 1 and 4 (I was 33) .She was such a devoted GP and wanted to see them at every opportunity. (I'm sure she probably bored the local greengrocer/bus driver/random person with photos!!) After she died my Ddad became really busy doing lots of clubs, volunteering, activities and holidays. I understand it and didnt begrudge him that because he was trying to fill the day so he wasnt alone but if I called up to see if he wanted to come over, or if we could visit, I felt like we needed to be fitted in to his new schedule, and sometimes he couldnt see us because he had a class at the gym or similar. I felt like when my DM died my DC lost more than 1 GP if that makes sense because he was so much less hands on and interested. He has since passed away but I felt like we lost him gradually over time.

@JulyBreeze

Yup I completely agree.

I read something interesting written by a psychologist about how your mum is your emotional touchstone - the person you refer back to and know will always be there for you (just as when you were a child). This works even if you're not particularly close or your mum, as long as there wasn't abuse of any kind.

I remember the first morning I woke up knowing Mum wasn't here any more. The world was a different place.

I feel sad reading this. Because I'll never have that experience for the reason you give.

I can have no concept of what it feels like to lose somebody that important to you, because I never had it in the first place.

It might be the case for many people that are not doing what the OP or other posters wish for.

Meruem

I agree I''m afraid

I have lost one parent- and I wasn't broken.
When I lose my mother I will be sad, but I know I will cope.
It won't break me either.
You can't generalise about bereavement.
We all have different experiences.

@downforwhat How is your Dad doing at now OP? I hope you're feeling okay today I can offer an online brew.

It's awful to lose a parent. Personally I did not really get what it is like, until it happened to me. It changed me in a lot of ways.

However, I suspect there are people with more empathy than me, that could understand what it is like even before it has happened to them.

I think it is so massive, it can bring people an ability to empathise with other situations- miscarriage, being widowed, separation, without having experienced them.

I lost my parents when i was 26...4 months apart.....this was 20 years ago and most of my friends are older and still have both parents...it feels very unfair and im not the person i used to be.

I am sorry to read about your situation.
Both my parents have died within the last 3 years. One was terminally ill, the other, it was very unexpected and a big shock.
They were in their mid to late 80s, so good, long, life, children grandchildren and a great-grandchild on the way (in one case) and 1 great-grandchild and another on the way in the second case.
I think how you deal with deaths like this very much depend on your relationship with the deceased parent.
I do still miss both of them, one of them at a particular time on a particular day of the week, because they always rang me then, the other on odd occasions, when I would love to tell them something funny.
They are never "gone" as such, just not "contactable".

I lost my mom unexpectedly when she was 64, I was 41. It was devastating. We were close, she was an argumentative, annoying woman who could and did say hurtful things when she didn't agree with our decisions (most of the time), but she loved us fiercely oh my god do I miss her. We are four siblings (I'm the eldest), and I think all of us are suffering from unresolved mental health issues as a result. We are all quarrelling much more- my two brothers haven't been talking for two years now, over nothing.

When I first heard she had died after a very brief undiagnosed illness (high fever, stomach ache- she was in hospital testing for ruptured spleen when she had a massive coronary and literally dropped dead), I became ill and feverish myself- it was only the need of having to care for my kids that dragged me up from bed and made me pull myself together. I experienced out-of-body symptoms (I live in a different country)- I'd be driving or walking along and it was as if I was there, at her funeral or in my parents' house. Once I was going up the stairs in my own house and I suddenly felt I was walking down the corridor in my parents' house, it was so vivid I tripped and almost fell. Other days it was as if everything is happening on the other side of a glass window, like I'm here, engaging and functioning, but separated from every day activities by glass. My sister describes feeling as if there is a constantly-flowing wound in her body which she can't stop.

The lockdown has had a terrible effect on my dad who was doing fine up to March, he has started suffering from delusions almost about a month-6 week ago - thinking my grandma (live) is dead, there's a thief in the house etc. We're trying to figure out whether it's medication which isn't suiting him or some form of early onset dementia or something. anyway we joke about one parent dead, the other one mad. Which one is worse. You tell me.