To think no one really gets what it's like to lose a parent unless they've been through it

[downforwhat]

I'm going to lose my second parent soon. I lost my mum in my early 20s to cancer and now my dad is at the end stages of cancer whilst I'm in my 30s. I feel so sad that I will have to go through the majority of my life with no parents.

What is harder is that most friends still have both parents and some even have grandparents still. They have no idea what it is like to lose one parent let alone two. Of course that is not their fault, but I'm feeling particularly upset that a couple of my closest friends have barely checked in with me, given that I have been caring for my dad throughout lockdown, with virtually no help, haven't even had a phone call from them. Clearly they have no idea what it is like to nurse someone through cancer to the end of their life, and how emotionally draining and all consuming it is.

I get that people are busy, but surely they could manage more than a how's your dad? text every month or so. I can't imagine being like that if one of my friends was going through the same.

So I guess unless you have lost a parent, it's hard to have any concept of what it is like, or AIBU to expect more support from my friends who have not lost a parent ?

As previous posters have said, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, so their experience won't be the same anyway.

Although my heart was broke I'm 39 mam was 69.
It doesn't compare to a child losing their parent. It must have been very difficult for posters whose parent died when they were little.
I don't fear death I fear dying when my DC are young.

No they dont get it when they have not been through it. Feel for you op. It is hard going. Our dad died 2 years ago. Its hard some days. Sorry for those that have lost parents. Felt friends drifted a bit too.

My mum was my best friend, and loosing her destroyed me. I had just had my DS who was 6months when mum died.

We are 2 years on and I still don't feel like I have dealt with it as I just keep busy with my DS and life.

Your friends should be more supportive, I had friends turn up at my door 10 mins after they found out, I also had a "friend" who never came to check in, arrived at the funeral then left early and I didn't see her again as everything was over message and she had a new fella. Busy time.

It's not that she was busy, she just prioritised other things before me at my most vulnerable and painful time, these people are not your friends sorry.

Time doesn't heal, you just learn to live with the pain, sorry but true.

I hope you have good people around you, concentrate on them being there for and let the others loose at this time.

I would have been someone who was totally awkward being your friend in this situation. Not knowing what to say, feeling I should leave you alone and letting you down. It would not be because I didn't care, but because I would assume I couldn't help.

That is, until I lost my dad. It was sudden and devastating for us but he was in his 70s so in the grand scheme of things, not a tragedy.

It was only then that I understood that making contact, no matter how small is actually welcomed. I would have thought people wouldn't want me sticking my nose in when they were going through something private with their family such as this.

A good friend who had lost her mum earlier said 'it's the time you have to be more grown up when you have never wanted to be a child more.'

I am definitely better at supporting my friends in similar situations now. A friend lost her husband with 3 children under 10. I felt confident in sending the children a memory box each so they could gather up and keep safe the little treasures which reminded then of their dad. Before I had experienced real loss, I would have though it was presumptuous.

But the best thing you can do is to tell your friends what you need from them. It may not be easy but it will help you get the support you need. Failing that, there are some great online support groups where you can get support.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

@Emeraldshamrock - I've found losing my mum far worse than my dad (who I lost as a child) it probably sounds harsh but I relied on my mum far more ad I got older and when I had my own child - and we had a great relationship where I would pop in for a coffee most days - text every day etc. Whereas with my dad I didnt rely on him for anything & to be honest being so young I didnt miss him. Of course it would be nice to have someone now but the loss of my mum as an adult has been far more traumatic for me.

@GoshHashana

As previous posters have said, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, so their experience won't be the same anyway.

I agree with this. I still have both of mine, I see them regularly but we're not "close", if that makes sense. I therefore can't imagine being devastated if one or both died, I'm sure I'd feel sadness naturally. Maybe I'll be proved wrong when it happens, but it's true, I have probably not been there enough for friends who've been through it, because my experience of the parent/child relationship isn't really that strong.

I don't fear death I fear dying when my DC are young.

This a million times over, I have never regretted smoking more in my life, seems bloody ridiculous now.

For those saying it's easier when a parent is older. I've experienced both ends as I said. I remember saying to a work colleague - 'I don't know why I'm so sad, she was 89 so it was time'; to which she replied 'And how long had you known her?'
I'd known her for 55 years. Kind of put in into perspective really

I don't think it's helpful to think of it in terms of - you don't know unless you've been through it.

As many other posters have said, grief and and loss are completely individual experiences and will be experienced in different ways. My DH lost both of his parents very suddenly by 43. I have lost a sibling to suicide, had a miscarriage and been discarded by a parent. I have lost close relatives and dear pets. Each one is its own thing.

Some friends were great, others not but I think you have to judge them on their actions in general not on whether they "get it" or not. In the end I found no-one ever really understands what it's like to lose your person.

Also - do you ask for help? That was something I noticed with myself. I sometimes shut people away because I couldn't cope with my own grief. Letting people in to that place and accepting help was too much.

Sending you a lot of love and strength at this incredibly difficult time. You may find help in the most unexpected corners or you may find incredible reserves you never knew you had within yourself. Be gentle and kind with yourself. It sounds like an exhausting experience.

@Jesusweptagain Yes I agree I do it is much harder for a DC to lose their most supportive primary carer who is usually Mam.
My Dad is still alive. I always knew even before DM died I'd miss her far more she was our primary carer and best friend even as adults, we all adored DM and tolerate DF.

No, I honestly believe that no one knows what it's like until it happens to them.

I lost my dad when I was 32. He went to bed one night, and just didn't wake up. He was 62. The phone call to tell me was like being punched in the gut.

I think you’re absolutely right. I was incredibly lucky, I had both parents until I was 61, then lost them both inside six months.

I sympathised with friends when their parents died but I had no idea what a dreadful thing it was until it happened. And mine were really old. It must totally knock you sideways when they’re relatively young. I’m so sorry, OP. 💐

To those asking what I would like, I suppose it's as simple as more contact. A phone call, a text conversation, a coffee. I'm sat with my dad day after day when he is mostly sleeping and it's incredibly lonely. I've tried to initiate conversations with my supposed best friend, but then she doesn't reply for days or weeks. I don't just want to talk about my dad, but I'd just like have someone to talk to.
Sitting there day in my dads house at his dads bedside, thinking about the impending death and not hearing from anyone is horrible. I know they probably don't mean to be unsupportive but I feel really resentful towards them now. And like others have said, it's the feeling of being alone in the world, when something happens or have good news, no one to call and share that with as your parents are gone. It's just so bloody hard and I feel massively let down but I suppose I just have to adjust my expectations and perhaps the friendships won't survive this I don't know.

Sending you support op. I’ve lost both of my parents over the last couple of years but at a more expected age. I am so sorry you are quite a bit younger.
My experience has been I am generally a supportive and thoughtful friend (I think) but not until I lost my own parents did I start to understand what other friend had gone through. It’s been a horrible ‘club’ of very meaningful support I’ve now joined.
I think it’s reasonable to expect (generally) deeper better lurched support from those who have been through it.
Support to you - it is beyond tough but so are we. Really sorry about your dad.

OP

I went through something traumatic when I was young and I remember several older people saying to me that they could imagine none of my friends had been supportive as they likely hadn't experienced anything similar and couldn't really get it. I was reassured that when I got to my forties (plus) I'd get a lot more support and people understanding what I went through in some form. And they were right. I'm at an age now where more people have experienced things from miscarriages to parents dying and I do meet more understanding when I open up about my life and find there are more empathetic people around to form a proper connection with. I think I can't really blame my friends from when I was younger, they literally didn't have the life experience to understand what I'd been through.

I am very sorry about your dad though. I haven't lost my parents but I've long been able to imagine that it is a profoundly life-changing thing to go through, however old you are. I dread it in many ways. It's not fair that you have to face this. I do know how extremely brutal cancer can be, too. It requires a lot of strength to nurse someone with it so I hope you will reach out and get other proper support where you can.

Would also add that at times you just need to suck up the fact that people are great at support. Sometimes because they just aren’t empathetic or they have their own grief or memories which they don’t want to open up etc. Be patient with your friends. Also talk to them when that helps about how you are feeling.

@downforwhat - you’ve written exactly what I was feeling about friends when my lovely Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My Mum was diagnosed one Christmas and passed away the following September.

You’re right to have these feelings because it’s the least you should be able to expect from friends, however, and know that I’m not making any excuses for my friends and yours but I think that nowadays people stay away for fear of saying the wrong thing rather than understanding that a regular chat and asking how your Dad and you are can make a huge difference in terms of warm human contact and asking things like how he and your Mum met and just listening to you.

What matters right now is that you get support while you are nursing and supporting your dear Dad if you’re not getting it from friends.

I found Macmillan to be very supportive, they listened to me and checked in with me. My GP was also wonderful.

Leaving their support channels here for you and

Hello. I do understand how you feel. I lost my mum 12 years ago, l was 37. My friend who is 65 has both her parents but my niece’s friend lost both his parents when he was 15 in a car crash. Life’s not fair 💐

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences, it's sad to read how hard it's been for so many people when parents die. Also thank you for the kind words from so many of you who 'get it', makes me feel less alone in what I am going through 💗

@downforwhat I am so sorry for your loss. I have also lost both my parents to cancer. My dad when I was 15months old and my mum at 24. I’m early 30s and it sometimes does feel very unfair that almost all of my friends still have both their parents

I would expect that even if a friend hadn’t lost anyone close that they would check in to see how your dad AND YOU are doing, even more so during Covid. I don’t buy into the “I didn’t have time” it takes 30 seconds to send a message of “how are you n dad doing?” I wouldn’t be classing these people as friends personally

So OP how are you doing? How is your dad? Is he comfortable? How are you coping? Have you got any support?

OP I am sorry you are going through this.
I too have lost a parent.

However I would take a hard look at your friends. It is possible to give someone support and friendship going through a tough situation without having gone though exactly the same thing yourself.
No matter what the situation a good friend can be there with a listening ear and empathy.
Perhaps time to re evaluate your friendships if this isn't happening.

Perhaps some people do stay away because they don't know what to say- but again who wants friends like that? I need grown ups as friends who are mature enough to simply ask questions about how I am and how I am coping.

My dad died many years ago when I was 18 and my mum died at the end of last year when I was 49. I looked after my mum when she was sick last year, and it was a brutal and harrowing time. Her loss has been profound and, as mentioned by previous posters, her illness and death has changed me.

YANBU to expect love and support from your friends. Some of my friends / my mums friends were great, kind and supportive, some of them were not. I do feel differently about those who were not there when I needed them, and my relationships with those people have changed (I can’t help that). I don’t think you need to have experienced the same situation to understand how devastating it is, or to know how to reach out and let someone know you are thinking of them - that’s empathy surely?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Love to you and your dad. You are not alone, although it feels that way I know - those of us who have been in your shoes are aware of how hard this time is and are sending you love and comfort.