To think no one really gets what it's like to lose a parent unless they've been through it

[downforwhat]

I'm going to lose my second parent soon. I lost my mum in my early 20s to cancer and now my dad is at the end stages of cancer whilst I'm in my 30s. I feel so sad that I will have to go through the majority of my life with no parents.

What is harder is that most friends still have both parents and some even have grandparents still. They have no idea what it is like to lose one parent let alone two. Of course that is not their fault, but I'm feeling particularly upset that a couple of my closest friends have barely checked in with me, given that I have been caring for my dad throughout lockdown, with virtually no help, haven't even had a phone call from them. Clearly they have no idea what it is like to nurse someone through cancer to the end of their life, and how emotionally draining and all consuming it is.

I get that people are busy, but surely they could manage more than a how's your dad? text every month or so. I can't imagine being like that if one of my friends was going through the same.

So I guess unless you have lost a parent, it's hard to have any concept of what it is like, or AIBU to expect more support from my friends who have not lost a parent ?

I'm so sorry.
I lost my DM when I was in my early 30s, and my Ddad last year (I'm 41). The worst thing for me is my DH not "getting it". He is older than me and has both his parents and of course I hope they continue to stay in reasonable health.
But he said he didnt feel as sad about my Ddad as he had lived to a good age and thought it was his time. But Ddad could have lived to 100 and I still wouldnt have been ready!! And he was the same age as DFIL and I know DH would be devastated if anything happened to him
I feel jealous of all the emotional reunions people are having/planning post lockdown with their parents, and I know a lot of people take their parents for granted and rely on them a huge amount without even realising.

Absolutely. In fact I posted about this last week as it was the 11th anniversary of my mother’s death. I was 30. My dad died under 2 years later when I was 32, so at 32 I had to empty and sell their House and it was before I had kids so my children never met them- which tbh is the most crushing part.

It’s hard OP- no one I know has experienced the same and I still go through phases of feeling gutted and crying even now. I also hate that they never saw me as I matured and got older And I never got to ask them so many questions. I found the baby stage really hard with Children- no one ti ask about night feeds/what did you do etc. And I even had a lot of people making assumptions who would ask if my mum was excited when I was pregnant.

I also found Mother’s Day very tough and still do to a point.

It must be very hard for you having to nurse your mum so to you.

No one gets it until they have been there.

DH's work colleague, his wife had a sudden stillborn baby at 41 weeks. me & DH were devastated (we already had 3 DC). Nobody else at DH's work was even slightly upset (all young child-free 20 somethings). That was a bit of a shock, that they didn't clue up to the fact their boss was going thru a trauma.

I dunno, OP. My mom died & I didn't want any 'support' from friends (was nice to get time off to travel for the funeral, though). It was obvious that her death was coming bc she didn't look after herself, so I found all the shocked people bewildering. Everyone is different in what they need.

And like others have said, it's the feeling of being alone in the world, when something happens or have good news, no one to call and share that with as your parents are gone.

This so much. So so much.

I’ve nobody to call to tell my good news to.
DH usually already knows as does DD.
I’ve a lovely Aunt and Cousin but it’s not the same as whilst I love them they live over an hour way. I miss ringing my DSM to tell her or my DF.

Weirdly I also struggle with feeling strange about having no one to ‘answer to’ as it were. There’s nobody in this world who has the authority to tell me off so to speak if I’m doing something daft. DH is a good one and we’re equals so he doesn’t have that position. It makes me feel oddly adrift. I have no ‘elders’.

My df died when I was 9. My mum is now 79. I'm fucking terrified of losing her. I'm in my 30's but I still need my mum's advice and reassurance.

Yes , it’s only when you have been through something that (for most people
Anyway ) can you truly emphasise

Your friends are either inexperienced , or callous

I am every so sorry OP

Hardest of time’s

Sending Much love and healing your way

@RonnieBob I know exactly what you mean - I had to make a big decision recently & thought 'my mum would know what to do' it feels as if I'm drifting through life & don't know what I'm doing. Which is obviously ridiculous as I am a grown woman with a child of my own - but I still feel like I need a proper adult to tell me when I'm being daft. I also hope to go to university and wish I could check with my mum - it really upsets me to think there's nobody left to be 'proud of me'.

You’ve hit the nail on the head there @Jesusweptagain. I’ve nobody to be proud of me. It’s a strangely lonely feeling.
for you to say I know just how you feel. For what it’s worth I say go to Uni. I’d bet a lot that your DM would be proud of you doing that.

I agree. People can be sympathetic but I don't think you can truly understand it until you go through it, particularly if they've gone before their time and you are younger yourself. It's awful. I remember thinking I would probably live without my mum for longer than I lived with her and I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
I did and still do a lot of inward thinking and grieving as none of my friends have been in the same situation and nor would I want them to be.

@MotherMorph I’ve felt the same about lockdown. I’ve just had no tolerance for the ‘my DC can’t hug their grandparents’ brigade and feel so sad at all the reunions, because my DC are coming out of lockdown without my mum. And they didn’t get to see her before she died because of fucking lockdown.

Having lost my dm in May I can definitely say that beforehand I could not imagine how awful it would be. Some friends seem to just automatically be there, others not. Some people need people & to talk afterwards, whereas others need space afterwards so your friends May think they know what you want based on their experiences, but that may not be what you need. My husband did not have such a close relationship with his parents as I had with my mum, so even he does not quite get me.
Good luck with everything you have got going on & try to look after yourself, it is so, so difficult. 💐

The worst part is my teen DD has no grandparents any more. And very little family in fact.

For me those friends who’ve remembered that her loss is (imo) greater than mine have been the best ones.

If someone goes out of their way to ensure she feels wanted and surrounded by people who care about her, they’ll never know how utterly grateful I am. I can’t begin to describe how much it means to me as the worst part of all this is seeing how it’s made DD feel so lonely too.

I'm so sorry for everyone who is having to reevaluate friendships as well as grieve.

I've lost both my parents and I agree with the PP who said older generations are better at support. I have a friend in her 30s that I have heard nothing from during my mum's illness, death or funeral. Not so much as a Facebook sad face, let alone a text. However her mum, who I barely know, has dropped a couple of 'thinking of you' cards through the door.

But I'm back in contact with friends that I had drifted away from. One in particular who has lost her dad, makes an effort to message regularly even though we haven't seen each other for years.

I think it all comes down to emotional maturity.

As for the friend who messages all the time to tell me about her dating woes but hasn't actually asked how I am... well that friendship has definitely run its course. Not that she'll notice.

I hope you do get support in real life OP. I found some of the elderly parents threads on here were helpful, even if only to know other people are going through similar experiences as carers. It is so lonely and I think that you can't understand unless you have lived through it.

@user9274672893

I feel awful to admit this but I sometimes feel really hurt and annoyed by friends who are rightly upset at the illness of a parent in their nineties, I’m sympathetic but I sometimes have to bite my lip not to say, you have had years with your parent and a loving relationship with them. I lost mine and you certainly weren’t there for me

I've experienced similar feelings.

Yes to this. Although I am now of an age where many of my friends are the "sandwich generation" - horribly stressed and struggling for years and years with caring for aging parents on the one hand and teen/adult children on the other. There's a part of me that's relieved I will never be in that position, as both my parents were gone well before I had my own children.

@copperoliver

No one knows until they have been through it. You think you know but you don't know. X

This. Nothing could have prepared me for how I felt. for anybody in need.

Not everybody has a good relationship with their parents so losing a parent may not hit harder than the loss of other people in their lives.

I think that can make it harder as the relationship now can't be changed.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I lost my Mum at 23 and my Dad at 38, a few weeks after my eldest was born.
It's very tough but I'm now 50, and whilst I still miss them desperately, especially my Mum, I have learned to cope without them and am very independent. I still get times where I wish I could pick up the phone or gave a hug, and wish they could have been around to watch my children grow up.
I recall friends being supportive when I lost them but that waned pretty quickly and the only people who really understood were those who had been through similar.
Take care of yourself, have some counselling if you can, I wish I'd done that in retrospect. Big hugs x

I am sorry you are going through this OP. My heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad older than you, in my early forties, and it struck me how most of my friends still had parents around, which I had never noticed before. The two friends who truly got how I felt and still feel, are the ones who have lost one or two parents. It was noticeable that the other friends, while well meaning, either didn't know what to say or don't realise that I am still grieving. I lost my patience with thoughtless facebook posts soon after my Dad died and a year on deactivated it altogether.

Although I still have have (grieving, lonely) mother to visit, the funny reunion parent stories have also been v difficult for me.

This thread has some good points on.

I lost my dad in my 20s and my mum has had declining health and numerous times we thought we were about to lose her. Everytime the phone rings from her I think its bad news.

Although I'm glad my mum is still alive I grieve the way she used to be. She has lost so much health and quality of life.

I get the 'no one to be proud of you' feeling and the kids of the one person who loves you unconditionally. That gives me a lump in my throat every time.

Having had parents with mental health issues I don't get the loss of support but do find it strangely freeing at times not to have ' elders' to 'let down'

People don't get it unless they've been through it. I was grateful for the support of those who had sadly trodden that path before me

Why do you assume that losing a parent is the same for everyone?

I lost it yesterday, my DD got her university results. I've been coping well with Dad dying but yesterday I cried because he can't see her results. He'd have been so proud of her.
Like others, my children now have very little family - just me and one grandparent.

Op not read thread but I have too.

It's very sad and if I thought about it too much I'd feel panicky. However I was loved and dearly loved both my dp.

Some people with living dp, have zero relations with them or they are selfish, it's sad.

I lost mine early but I'm thankful we had brilliant relations and we all loved. Many alive don't get that.

I’m not sure I agree with your title, I think some people have more empathy than others and some people are only consumed with things that effect them.
I have both my parents still, I feel so lucky, I do appreciate every day I have with them, more so since lockdown stole so many days from me.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your mum and whilst I couldn’t say I know how you feel, I can only imagine. Your friends sound selfish, or at best they just don’t know how to help. Maybe they think you want space. A few weeks to them probably flies by where as to you who is counting every minute it probably feels longer.
I’m not very good with words but anytime you need to vent, virtual hand hold etc, we are here x

Everyone's different. I'd probably also be a crap friend unless you spelled out what was happening and how you felt and even what support you needed.

I lost a parent in my 20s after a long illness. However I didn't nurse them and I didn't feel particularly upset in the final stages (1. because it was expected/they had already 'gone' mentally, 2. I'm not an emotional person / suppress emotions). In my case I didn't want or need any support in fact I felt uncomfortable talking about it.

I was very close to my dad. He died of cancer 7 years ago. You always think that your parents will go before you but are totally unprepared for how awful it Is. I described it as someone just ripping my heart out. I agree you don’t know how it feels until it happens. It gets easier to live With Over time but it’s devastating.