It’s like living in a gaming cafe

[gamerout]

2 kids primary age. One game obsessed DH. All they want to do is game. I do sometimes get stuck in but I’d like to do other things with the weekend. I feel like I’m lonely and constantly juggling PlayStation gaming boys/man. Friday eves are game night. Saturday is game day. Sunday I might get them out for a walk. I just wondered how other people handle this? Does it not bother you and you just get on with your own thing 24/7? I have hobbies and pre-pandemic went to the gym/friends on my own a lot. But I’ll be honest, I didn’t have a family to spend all my time doing stuff alone at the weekends and vying against minecraft for my kids/husbands attention. How on earth do I get to the point where there’s some fair balance in the house. During lockdown they’ve been on screens sometimes 12 hours a day. I get moods if I ask them to come off. They just aren’t interested in doing anything else with me because everything else is boring. If my DH stops playing and insists “everyone out for a bike ride” then they’ll do it but it takes for him to do that which makes me feel powerless and just inconsequential as a person in our family. I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to expect out of family life or if this is normal. I see other people with their kids going for days to the beach or woodland walks and quite frankly it’s just tiring trying to persuade reluctant people all the time. I’m just at a loss. I feel like I should leave my DH and find somebody who isn’t into gaming so at least I’ve got somebody I can hang out with on the weekends!!

In the short term I would go out by yourself/do things you enjoy. Longer term I would say you need to talk to your partner about a reasonable number of hours for them and the DC to be glued to screens.

My DH isn’t interested in that conversation though. I’ve tried. It becomes hostile and “I’m trying to control him” and “him and the kids are happy. I’m the one who isn’t happy so why am I making it his problem” or eye roll and “here we go again” the only way to get any attention/conversation is to become involved in the games myself but it’s not something I enjoy and I try as much as I can but I’d still like to be out enjoying the world and not stuck inside constantly. I feel lonely and like I don’t have a family to be honest. They won’t even answer when I speak to them because they are so glued to the screens. Same with DH. Doesn’t even look at me when I speak to him much of the time.

I got divorced. No kids but an ex who constantly gamed or watched podcasts about gaming.

I would have set hours for them to be on,so Saturday 9-1, then screen free time for everyone. Sunday a four hour period of either morning or afternoon as well,whatever suits, and absolutely no deviating from it. Does your DH not see how terribly unhealthy it is to be sedentary for that length of time. I feel your pain, I have two screen head sons and a screen head DH, but they all know that when I say off it’s off,and are glad of the time together, and know they feel better after exercise.

Tbh it doesn't sound as if you're compatible and your bloke sounds selfish AF. He knows you're unhappy but is going to do it anyway

Have the splitting up talk and go from there. If he doesn't get what part of the edge you're on then I would seriously consider it. You could find someone who is outdoorsy and doesn't make you lonely.

I’m the one who isn’t happy so why am I making it his problem” or eye roll and “here we go again”

Leave him and carve out the life you actually want for yourself.

Why would you stay with someone who doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings?

Yabu to allow kids on screens 12hrs a day

Are they all playing games together or on three separate devices?
What about one game-free day a weekend, or game free afternoons or whatever. You will need to speak to your dh and get him on board though. He can't think it's normal for primary aged kids not to be going to the park etc at the weekend.

He doesn't seem like a man who wants to be married to you really

It’s not fair on them to be allowed to be on screens all day.

It might be what they enjoy, but it’s not good for them. You wouldn’t let them eat sweets all day even though they might want to.

Arrange to go out a lot. Look your best and don't tell him where you are going or with whom. He'll get suspicious soon.
Nobody cares about what you do. Do the minimum nobody learns without consequences.
Our son games a lot but if I want his time I get it.
My husband isn't a gamer.

I'd be tempted to get up in the night and hide all devices somewhere they'll never be found. Perhaps drop them round at a friend's house? And let them stay hidden for the rest of the summer.
Otherwise, go out and do your own thing. And keep doing your own thing when you get home. Don't feed them, shop for them - and don't be the one to crack first. If kids moan that they're hungry: 'Tell your dad! He'll feed you when he's finished his game.'

I wonder if it ever occurs to him that one day you'll leave or ask him to? Does he realise that it's not all about him and you actually don't have to live your life this way. I really wonder sometimes.

Leaving aside the fact you are feeling lonely and left out, he is being a terrible parent. A bit of gaming is fine obviously - but doing is constantly for hours at a time?

A while ago I attended a very helpful talk by a child psychologist on the subject of screen time. She said something that really made sense - the problem with too much screen time - leaving aside whether gaming, etc is harmful or no - is the fact that screen time is replacing all the other things that children/teens could or should be doing - exercise, playing outside, creative play with toys, art/craft, reading, etc etc. Not having enough time to do those other things can have a huge impact on development, physical and mental health, educational outcomes.

Sure the kids will say they are happy! They would probably say the same thing if you gave them junk food for every meal...

Does H acknowledge this is universally recognised as damaging to DC development?

So you dont want to do something 3 of them enjoy but want to make three people do things they dont enjoy but you do? Seems pretty selfish

Choices at the moment are limited. Let them enjoy themselves for a bit

Ok so my partner loves gaming, as does my eldest. Doesn't mean my partner games all day and expects me to put up with it - he partakes in parenting just as much as I do, with healthy activities like the park, swimming (precovid), beach, even things like cooking baking and gardening. Your husband is the problem here, your children are following his lead.

This would drive me mad

Who actually manages the household? I wouldn’t put up with it anyway, but doubly so if I was doing all the housework and cooking while they were on their backsides. I’d go out for the day, meet friends or even sit and read a book somewhere and get my own food until they got the message. Set fixed hours and expectations: if I cook a meal, I expect conversation. If the screen time is ended, find an activity for all to do - board game, cards, whatever

12 hours a day for anyone let alone primary children is outrageous.

As pp said your DH is a rubbish parent. Leave him and whilst you’re sorting that tell the DC when and when they can’t have the games on and stick to it.

I think your DH is being a lazy parent TBH. Its much easier to just go on these games with the kids ,and then you dont have to worry about entertaining them! They can be very addictive and start to take over family life as you have found! Have you really explained to DH how you feel? Say to him you need to spend quality time together ,can your DC friends come out for the afternoon with you ?This may make trips out more attractive to them.I think I would say to DH if he doesnt start making rules and sticking to them ,you will have to reconsider your marriage and hammer home that you really mean it!

Your DH is totally unreasonable & your children are far too young to be using screens for this long. It's damaging to them.

I would leave. Tell him, he can game, look after the DC, house, food.
If he decides he wants to talk, he can email.

I wouldn’t normally say this but if your husband won’t try to understand or address this then I think you need to seriously question whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. They are primary school aged so this is only likely to continue as they turn into gaming teens. If you left you could carve out the life you really want as well as have some control over your own children

I just wondered how other people handle this
I married an adult.

Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear but has he always been like this? I just couldn’t spend my time with someone who had such a strong gaming addiction. I actually play an online game myself. I spend one hour in the evening playing. Not every evening.

He’s being selfish. Of course there are other things we’d all like to be doing but our children and their wellbeing come first.
Primary school children spending 12 hours a day on screens is just horrible.

Given your update I’d seriously suggest it’s time for an ultimatum.
2 hours of screen time a day for the children. With his compete support or you walk.