It’s like living in a gaming cafe

[gamerout]

2 kids primary age. One game obsessed DH. All they want to do is game. I do sometimes get stuck in but I’d like to do other things with the weekend. I feel like I’m lonely and constantly juggling PlayStation gaming boys/man. Friday eves are game night. Saturday is game day. Sunday I might get them out for a walk. I just wondered how other people handle this? Does it not bother you and you just get on with your own thing 24/7? I have hobbies and pre-pandemic went to the gym/friends on my own a lot. But I’ll be honest, I didn’t have a family to spend all my time doing stuff alone at the weekends and vying against minecraft for my kids/husbands attention. How on earth do I get to the point where there’s some fair balance in the house. During lockdown they’ve been on screens sometimes 12 hours a day. I get moods if I ask them to come off. They just aren’t interested in doing anything else with me because everything else is boring. If my DH stops playing and insists “everyone out for a bike ride” then they’ll do it but it takes for him to do that which makes me feel powerless and just inconsequential as a person in our family. I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to expect out of family life or if this is normal. I see other people with their kids going for days to the beach or woodland walks and quite frankly it’s just tiring trying to persuade reluctant people all the time. I’m just at a loss. I feel like I should leave my DH and find somebody who isn’t into gaming so at least I’ve got somebody I can hang out with on the weekends!!

Wow he sounds like a selfish arse.

We’re a gaming family, all of us game and have an interest. But I think we have a decent mix of other stuff too - although I have to say I hate going for walks so not that.

@emilybrontescorsett I played Sims for about 10 hours yesterday and my son is playing Minecraft.

Would you be happy for your child to read 12 hours a day? I get you’re being hyperbolic but there’s always that snobby acceptable/non-acceptable activity and we both know which column gaming falls into.

So what are you going to do about it op?

Personally this would be a deal breaker in a relationship for me. Not because your DH games, but because he is allowing it to invade all of family life and influence the kids. I'd suggest implementing much stricter rules on the kids or potentially going gaming free for a while. As for stricter rules I'd go for - Friday night is gaming night, Saturday they get two hours at a suitable time, Saturday night is family night and Sunday is no gaming (family day for going out, watching a film together etc).

If your DH refuses to compromise on some sort of stricter rules then I would seriously consider leaving him. At least then you can implement a better balance when you have the kids, there is more to life than gaming.

@MsEllany how old is your son and does he play every day?

@MsEllany what other activities do you all do together?

Well OP I think you’re in a crappy position that your husband has put you in. No matter what you do, someone gets hurt.
Personally, I would pack my bag and just go and stay somewhere else for a while and see how long it takes for them to notice if you’re there or not.
I think that’ll give you the answer.

MsEllany you compare playing minecraft for 12 hours the equivalent of reading a book?!?
Can you not see the difference?

These are primary school kids.

I game as well - more than I ought tbh - but I certainly impose strict limits on myself and on my primary kids because too much sitting in front of a screen is a Bad Thing and a really, really bad thing for -primary age- kids.

OP you know yourself this is neither normal nor good. Seems to me you're a convenience not a partner to your husband, and that ... im sorry, but that amoutn of gaming day after day counts as abuse because it's setting up huge long term problems physically and perhaps mentally.

No hobby 12 hours a day, day after day, is healthy whether it involved sport, reading or screentime. But sitting on your arse for most of your waking hours when you are primary is just awful.

What a horrible situation OP. I really feel for you.

It's infuriating that your 'd'h won't compromise or listen to your concerns but he is an addict. And your kids are or will be addicts too.

I don't think you have any choice but to give him an ultimatum and absolutely mean it. This is no life for you.

And your dc are seriously missing out on so much important stuff - family time, exercise, reading, talking and discussing the world etc etc. I'm very laid back and absolutely not anti gaming or screens, but this is damaging your lovely dc.

Would you be happy for your child to read 12 hours a day?

As the parent of a child who would happily do this, I can confidently say NO! An interest in anything shouldn't consume your entire waking life, which is what 12 hours a day is to a child, so I have indeed told my son to put a book down and go on the trampoline or come to the park when I think he's had enough.

Occasionally I will let him read all day, when he's really gripped by a book or when he's had a busy week and needs some downtime, but I discourage my kids from spending too long on any single activity in a day because I think variety is key to maintaining their mental and physical health.

What about my view that 2-3 hours of gaming per day and none on a school day is what should be happening? Where does my opinion/view have a place? I am an adult. I birthed them. My view on their upbringing should be respected surely? If I had a DH who was into football, would it be ok for him to do that everyday for 12 hours a day? There has to be balance surely? Everyone in the family should have a voice

OP, most people seem to be agreeing with you - problem is, none of us is your DH. Your DH has made his views clear and it's not MNers you need to assert yourself with.

Do you actually want to stay with DH? Bearing in mind his views, is there anywhere to go now in terms of compromise? Are you happy to stay with him if things continue as they are? If not, tell him.

The DC are a separate issue and if he's not supporting you in raising them with a healthy, balanced lifestyle, what are you prepared to do about that?

Op, you are trying to rationalise an unreasonable man. I tried all of that too. All the give and take negotiations along with the ultimatums. Your partner isn't stupid. His behaviour isn't a coincidence. In my case he just didn't care. Getting rid of him is such a relief. My kids see my way of life and his. It is a joy being relaxed in my own space and looking forward to the future.

I'm the gamer in the household but only in the evenings when the kids are in bed. The kids, being children, need their time monitoring, and while my eldest is mature and able to handle a couple of hours a day, my youngest tends to behave pretty poorly both in the game and off it, so she's off them for the foreseeable. It's all very controlled.

But yeah, I got tired of trying to get them out on walks so I booked myself on a couple of epic mountain hikes, adults only, and suddenly they seem a bit interested in it again now, and say they want to do 'cooler' walks too. So perhaps that worked. I will say that pursuing my own interests has been a successful tactic. Maybe kids like seeing their parents go off and have their own interests.

The issue here seems to be that your DH is keen to encourage this gamer lifestyle, which is unfortunate - he's an adult that's chosen it, having lived his life and done some other things, whereas your sons will not know anything else and will struggle to find meaning outside of an instant-gratification, immediate reward environment. They're being primed to only love one thing and will find it hard to expand their minds later. They will struggle to read, to be creative, things that take long hours. If they're playing shooters, they're also under a lot of adrenalin and hyper-focus - fun in short doses, but where little kids are concerned, it's again priming their system into one state for too long. It'll create hyper-vigilance and aggression later.

I'm not sure of any solutions, as often "talk to your husband" has been attempted before and, if it's done nothing, there's usually a risk of aggression in the response. Some DHs just won't be told.

OP I've reread your responses. I can see your DH has already reacted with derision and aggression, as well as the extreme red flag of turning the children against you - "Oh look, mummy wants to take our games away to go on her boring walk, booo."

You've already adopted doing activities on your own. I've done the solo-holiday thing, too - city breaks. Sometimes you have to do your thing!

But yeah. There's a real concern here he's comfortable in his lazy existence and has distanced himself greatly from you - refusing to look at you or speak to you.

There is no companionship here and I feel he's just content to have you cook and clean while he games, like an overgrown child. His reluctance to accept your view is upsetting but also seems unshakeable.

My main worry is your safety, my second is detoxing the kids both from the games but also the foundations he's laid with the "mummy is the enemy" vibe. Way to go raising men who will see a woman's advice, suggestions and rules as 'controlling' just because they want to spend some time together or act in a sensible manner. He's raising men who will call women 'nags' or worse.

Time to consider how beneficial it could be to your boys to have time at yours game-free - can still 'game at dads' - which will be time to see the world in a new light.

Your DH sounds like a teenager.
12 hours of gaming a day? That sounds like a serious addiction. Why don’t you print off some information on the dangers of too much gaming and show him what a shite parent he is.

You're married to an addict and raising two more, I think. 😟

You can stop facilitating them, which would involve no more delivering snacks and drinks to the screen-side and ensuring the food that you buy is the sort that can't just be consumed by ripping open a package and munching without even looking.

You can stop clearing up after them and I would stop cajoling them to do other activities. Tell them there's a trip out or a walk or whatever and they're welcome, but go without them and don't plead!

It's lovely, but I'd take myself off for a fortnight somewhere you've always wanted to go - perhaps with a friend or family member. Go away and see if they actually miss you!

If they don't, the idea of separating onto two households, unlimited gaming and limited gaming, night be the only way to save your children from a lifetime of bleary-eyed unemployable obesity. If that's going to happen, make sure their DF lives the day-to-day reality of it, not you.

Why don’t you print off some information on the dangers of too much gaming and show him what a shite parent he is

he won't listen. Gaming really is an addiction, more real to the extreme gamer than any actual real life.

He'd have to -want- to reconnect with her to really try, and it's clear he doesn't simply because he's willing to allow his children to sink into this addiction too. Frankly gamers like this have a terrible future because for the 2% who earn a living from it, 97% end up with pitifully wasted lives like my friend. I'd do a lot for him, I've even given him money to travel to his gf (met in a game) in the hopes it would give him a reason to get back to real life, but it failed.

Was your DP always like this, OP?

I would just spilt up with him OP. If this has been going on for years then he clearly doesn’t give a shit about making you happy.

You’ll probably find the kids will spend less time on consoles too.

Well written @TempestHayes

I actually find this one of the saddest threads I've read on Mumsnet - I think people coming on to defend gaming are missing the point. This is a deeply unhealthy set up for these children and clearly a very unhappy marriage and family life going on.

Children need a wide variety of inputs to be healthy little animals - they need exercise, resilience, time outdoors, they need to be able to self regulate without access to screens.

My own kids love screen time - but I see the impact if they have too much of it, they become whiny and unable to regulte their feelings without looking around for a screen to hide in.

HOw are these chldren going to develop in a healthy fit and happy way?

Absolutely nobody thinks that spending all weekend gaming is good for primary age children - the OP is not 'anti game' she wants the children to have a healthy balanced life.

Op I would seriously consider here very radical options to regain control of your own children - they need you.

The whole point of parents is to set the boundaries even when the children would rather do other things - they are not wise enough to know what is good for them in the long run - you need to protect them from the seriously negligent parenting going on from your partner.

I don't mean this unkindly but I'm not sure how you can go out and about doing things on your own while leaving thme gaming all day - you need to step in! If it means leaving your husband so be it - this is serious.

People saying do things on your own are also missing the point - these children need you to step in and get them away from this situation - they are children they aren't responsible for their addiction their parents are.

@Aldilogue I don’t think doing anything for 12 hours at a time is particularly healthy, my point is that it’s a hobby and it shouldn’t consume every waking hour. So yes in that regard I think Minecraft and reading can be compared. Although Minecraft can be a lot more social - one of mine has been building a village with his friend he hasn’t seen since before lockdown.

@gamerout I have 3, 11, 11 and 8. We go out to the park, for a mooch round town, to local landmarks etc. We’re totally guilty of letting them play too much and playing too much ourselves during lockdown - but we can both recognise that and stop and do something else. At the very least we eat all our meals at the table.

They do play daily, normal times might be an hour in the week after school and maybe 2-3 at the weekend. We do allow more time for special ‘challenges’ and tend to get involved as a family for those.

My husband and I both game. Our oldest is 4, and is occasionally allowed some Kindle games. We used to let him have daily TV, but honestly, since we stopped, he is SO much nicer. He was only having 30 mins before nursery and 30.mins in the evening, but the difference is profound. In the heaviest part of lockdown we went for a long walk every day. He has benefited so much from walking and appreciating his surroundings, and loves his walking boots.

I think the children can be weaned off the games. The DH is definitely the problem. You deserve better, you shouldn't have to be lonely.

Gaming is an addicts drug. Its as bad for him and your kids as if he was sitting down drinking wine all day, every day.