It’s like living in a gaming cafe

[gamerout]

2 kids primary age. One game obsessed DH. All they want to do is game. I do sometimes get stuck in but I’d like to do other things with the weekend. I feel like I’m lonely and constantly juggling PlayStation gaming boys/man. Friday eves are game night. Saturday is game day. Sunday I might get them out for a walk. I just wondered how other people handle this? Does it not bother you and you just get on with your own thing 24/7? I have hobbies and pre-pandemic went to the gym/friends on my own a lot. But I’ll be honest, I didn’t have a family to spend all my time doing stuff alone at the weekends and vying against minecraft for my kids/husbands attention. How on earth do I get to the point where there’s some fair balance in the house. During lockdown they’ve been on screens sometimes 12 hours a day. I get moods if I ask them to come off. They just aren’t interested in doing anything else with me because everything else is boring. If my DH stops playing and insists “everyone out for a bike ride” then they’ll do it but it takes for him to do that which makes me feel powerless and just inconsequential as a person in our family. I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to expect out of family life or if this is normal. I see other people with their kids going for days to the beach or woodland walks and quite frankly it’s just tiring trying to persuade reluctant people all the time. I’m just at a loss. I feel like I should leave my DH and find somebody who isn’t into gaming so at least I’ve got somebody I can hang out with on the weekends!!

Oh op, I lived for 7 years with a man who ignored me for 6. He had a gaming and porn problem.

Luckily I didn't have children with him (never interested in sleeping with me, so it would have been immaculate conception) I spent my time visiting family and spending time with friends and when I think back now I don't know quite how I managed to let it get to 6 years!
I left him and I am so much happier overall.

It's no way to live. You shouldn't have to parent him to be able to parent your children (which he is forcing you to have to do)

I would honestly start getting organised and speak to a solicitor about divorce. I'm so sorry, I know you probably don't want to hear that.

I would start by not taking anyone drinks or food. Ever. If they want to eat or drink they have to get it themselves.

Then I would not go shopping.

I would not wash, wipe, Hoover or clean anything.

The tasks you are doing allow this to happen.

I would give them 3 days to notice and then just quietly leave home for a while. Just go. You mean nothing to them so go.

And then set about getting a solicitor and thinking about how much you can enjoy time with the children without him destroying it.

The problem is your dh. He is telling the kids that this is normal behaviour because he is giving them the example.
But this is disturbing. 12 hours a day? That is very, very damaging.
Your dh is an adult and he can damage himself if he wants but your DC still can be saved from this. Take it away and let the meltdown and tantrums happen. Force the other activities on them.
This isnt normal or healthy.

I can't believe 11% think you are being unreasonable. I've nothing to add, this is no way for you and your boys to live.

This is not acceptable.
When you met I assume your dh spent time with and managed to drag himself off his console. I think you need to speak to him, when he isn't gaming. Tell him you don't want this life and will not accept it. But you have to mean it.
Are you prepared to leave?
Would you like a partner who did things with you?
I think this would drive me to go out and perhaps meet someone else.
Why not tell your husband you want a man who will spend time with you and if he refuses to do it , you might end you seeking it from elsewhere. I never advocate affairs but quite frankly I wouldn't blame you.
I don't think he will change.
Your kids won't want to change and it is damaging for them to spend so !such time gaming.
When my d's was a teen, I removed his xbox, often taking it to work with me in my car. If course he didn't like it but I wasn't prepared to see him turn into a zombie.

I'm sorry, it's a really bad situation you're in. Either put up with it as it is, or leave. Addicted gamers have a real problem. ]

A very intelligent, very very shy friend of mine has lost about 20 years of his life now. He could have been a vet, as he's got the brains and the click with animals. No longer possible. HIs parents just let him play for hours all day after school and by 15 they could not get him off the computer, it was too late.

At primary age a lot of gaming is affecting the way their brains are being wired, for life. -that- much gaming, 12 hours a day ... it's not looking good.

I’d say 12 hours a day is not only very damaging but also child abuse. And it works well for your addicted husband to let his children also become addicted, because that means he can play as much as he wants and still in his mind be a good parent. Just turn it off, read up on what playing for 12 hrs a day does to their brains, sit them down and tell them that this is not on anymore, there has to be a change. They will be angry - but you should be even angrier by now so that is not a problem. Good luck!

OP. I'm in exactly the same boat as you albeit with older DC. Last night I had another heated debate with OH about it that got me no where. Because the same as you I'm the one with a problem.
Reading the replies on here with interest.

If this man won't change you need to leave. This sounds terrible for the kids. He is either uncaring, addicted or both.

Your husband is being a shit. When you've brought it up, have you explained how left out of your family you feel or has it come across more as a criticism of screen time? If he knows how much it's upsetting you and continuing, he's effectively pushing you out of his 'gang', which is really mean.

I think I'd keep a diary of times spent on gaming for a week. During that week I'd see a lawyer and say you want 100% custody because of neglect.

I'd get some serious proper legal advice. You are very unlikely to get full custody but he will need to do a bit of mental legwork to find that out.

Then I'd sit your H down and say. I'm going for divorce with full custody of the kids for neglect.

And I would not discuss anything with him. Let him join the dots.

Good luck.

I would find a professional person who would sit down and talk to your husband about the implications of letting such young children play games for that amount of time.

I would also try relationship counselling on the grounds that your marriage is over and unless you both work to fix you will be starting divorce proceedings in the very near future.

My ex was a games addict and would get violent if I tried to get him off the game. Eventually he met someone online and we split up, my only regret is that I didn’t leave him much earlier. We were saving for a house deposit and he spent nearly £3k for a laptop which was on credit and delayed our purchase and lied about it. It is horrible living with any addict and I think you will struggle with this unless you either leave him or shock him enough that he wakes up and picks family life over it.

You will need to be firm and be prepared to carry through with any threats or he will just ignore you and carry on gaming.

Has he got family he can stay with for a trial separation?

@Sunshine1235

I wouldn’t normally say this but if your husband won’t try to understand or address this then I think you need to seriously question whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. They are primary school aged so this is only likely to continue as they turn into gaming teens. If you left you could carve out the life you really want as well as have some control over your own children

To be honest, I'd leave the kids with him as well.

I would leave tbh, him and the DC. You can have DC for some game free time each week/EOW and reconnect with them.

DH and the DC will probably live in a pigsty but it's the only chance he will step up and parent them...

i'm posting this as a somewhat (hopeful) antidote to the response of "just divorce him", "he's a lousy father & husband" mantra that seems to dominate most of MN when a man seems to exhibit the slightest bit of 'neglect', especially when it comes to gaming and spending a large amount of time on them...

As a woman who thoroughly enjoys video games and spends large amounts of my weekend playing them, i think it needs to be emphasised more and more that there are such a huge vairety of games out there that can help test & develop some really useful skills that are hugely benefical to entering the wider world (eg, strategy, cooperation, resource management etc), and they offer some hugely unique experiences that something as simple as "taking a walk in the park" can not just offer. this is a hard reality to accept, but something i think we should consider seriously now given how far games have developed in the past few years. although i do think 12 hours a day is a bit excessive for the kids, i think it's worth remembering that sometimes some 'good' can emerge from extreme siutations, even without you realising it... like some of the most successful computer/data scientists i know are on six-figure salaries now because they were addicted to video games when they were 4. more simply, i think the perspective needs to shift a bit to reflect our contemproary situation a bit more... computers are pretty central to our lives right now and that's not going to change any time soon nor in the future.

where your husband is concerned, it sounds as if he thoroughly enjoys games, so much so that it should be considered an "interest" or a "hobby", and so should be treated as such. thus begs the question, what are your hobbies and interests OP? like not things that involve your family (considering you don't like gaming and they do), or reading, walking (which i would consider 'passive' hobbies) but genuine, actual interests that you enjoy, and you could pursue on your own when they pursure their's?

i would recommend letting them have days where they spend doing their hobbies (gaming) and you spend the day you doing your's... whatever that may be. and that shouldn't be cleaning up after them, and cooking! then there should be a day where you come together and do something all together....

i think it's unfortuante that you don't have the same interests (just because it's more fun when you do), but there's no reason why you can't enjoy things separately and then come together as a family to do other stuff... like one day on, one day off sort of thing. perhaps being up front about it first so everyone knows what to expect?

definitely don't think this is grounds for divorce, i just thing the perspective needs to change a bit. anyway, hope that sort of helps OP!

@cramsbosk

From one gamer to another, I can see your point about the benefits from gaming and hobbies in general. And the point about OP finding her own hobby/activity.

I'd question though, do you honestly think doing 12 hours a day of any hobby is healthy? That not being able to come away from it without being moody or angry is healthy?

I'd question where hobby ends and obsession takes over tbh

Do you have Grandparents /older relatives /friends you could ask about this? Maybe they can a word with him?I am sure you are not the only person in this position! Apart from everything else it cannot be doing their eyesight any good! Gaming seems to be a sort of escape route sometimes ,and many men (usually guys)! will treat it as an escape route from everyday life ,where they can "lose" themselves in a fantasy world and be in control of their destiny in a way disconnected from the real world.What is his job like ,Is he in a more humble post with little responsibility or does he have a stressful job that he tries to "escape" from ? I am not making excuses but I think this has a bearing on his behaviour .If this addiction (and that is what it is )is left unchecked it will only get worse as the boys become older and into their teens .Say to him you are going to Counselling to address the issues concerned and unless he sits up and takes notice you will be instructing a Solicitor re separation and joint Custody as thats the only way you will see your boys!

definitely don't think this is grounds for divorce, i just thing the perspective needs to change a bit. anyway, hope that sort of helps OP!

So in other words, the OP needs to change and not her bloke?

I like my games as much as the next person but I kinda adult and parent as well. There's no way I'd let my kid on his Xbox for 12 hours a day and if my husband expressed his unhappiness over my hobby then I would bloody listen to him and visa versa. Being told to bugger off and that's how it is like it or lump it,would not go down well in my book.

No wonder gamers get a bad name.

@kassandra1 yeah i agree, 12 hours is a bit much, but what's an acceptable timeframe for a hobby? 10 hours? 8 hours? 10am to 7pm seems good to me and then a break for lunch. i don't read anything from the OP about her husband neglecting his duties, just that it's excessive. that's why maybe one day on the weekend where everyone can do their own thing... and the other day they come together as a family.

I got divorced too. Honestly it is fucking indescribable how amazing it is not having to be more interesting than a computer game. I got the 'trying to control him' speech too. Not anymore mate. Now you can do whatevee you want forever and ever. Honestly op, it took me ages to see that not only was I not high enough up on his agenda but I actually wasn't on his agenda at all.

I’ve got my own hobbies and I’m very active. Inside and outside the house. My issue is I’m spending the majority of my life on my own. I go to family functions on my own. I’ve holidayed on my own. Days out with kids on my own. It’s been years like that. I’m sick of being single within a marriage. I’ve done more than my fair share of getting stuck in with games to “if you can’t beat them join them” but what about my parenting views? What about my view that 2-3 hours of gaming per day and none on a school day is what should be happening? Where does my opinion/view have a place? I am an adult. I birthed them. My view on their upbringing should be respected surely? If I had a DH who was into football, would it be ok for him to do that everyday for 12 hours a day? There has to be balance surely? Everyone in the family should have a voice. He wouldn’t be happy if I was getting dressed up in tight pants and going out clubbing every night until 5am, I have no issue with them gaming but when it’s resulting in them doing NOTHING else and me being the “nag” then this is not the life or family I signed up for.

OP I agree with you, it sounds grim and it sounds like you've got an extra kid, too. I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread (busy) but what is it you're feeling inclined to do, now? Ultimatums? Actually leave? It's hard to see what you're getting from this marriage but who knows what he'd do if he started to really understand how awful this is from your point of view. Sometimes the right shock moves things?

TBH the big red flag is his attitude. If the DC weren't into gaming he would still be doing as it appears he is addicted.

He sets the Op up to be the baddy - there is no team work etc.

If you didn't make drinks and meals what would happen?

There is nowhere more lonely than a lonely marriage, it is utterly soul destroying tbh

Cramsbosk are you joking?
Would you find it acceptable for a parent to say encourage their primary school aged child to do 12 hours per day of gymnastics? Or rugby or playing bingo? Do you consider that 'normal'
Or sitting in a pub drinking or sitting in a betting shop?
There is nothing wrong in playing age appropriate computer games for a small amount of time. However I seriously doubt that these games the husband and dcs play do not involve killing people.
Yes there are people who sit all day every day playing games. I doubt they would appear of much interest to anyone else. This is the ops husband like I posted before he obviously didn't do this when they first met or else how did he spare the time to meet her? Even so they ha e children now and the ops wants to encourage them to do other things.