It’s like living in a gaming cafe

[gamerout]

2 kids primary age. One game obsessed DH. All they want to do is game. I do sometimes get stuck in but I’d like to do other things with the weekend. I feel like I’m lonely and constantly juggling PlayStation gaming boys/man. Friday eves are game night. Saturday is game day. Sunday I might get them out for a walk. I just wondered how other people handle this? Does it not bother you and you just get on with your own thing 24/7? I have hobbies and pre-pandemic went to the gym/friends on my own a lot. But I’ll be honest, I didn’t have a family to spend all my time doing stuff alone at the weekends and vying against minecraft for my kids/husbands attention. How on earth do I get to the point where there’s some fair balance in the house. During lockdown they’ve been on screens sometimes 12 hours a day. I get moods if I ask them to come off. They just aren’t interested in doing anything else with me because everything else is boring. If my DH stops playing and insists “everyone out for a bike ride” then they’ll do it but it takes for him to do that which makes me feel powerless and just inconsequential as a person in our family. I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to expect out of family life or if this is normal. I see other people with their kids going for days to the beach or woodland walks and quite frankly it’s just tiring trying to persuade reluctant people all the time. I’m just at a loss. I feel like I should leave my DH and find somebody who isn’t into gaming so at least I’ve got somebody I can hang out with on the weekends!!

This is horrible @gamerout I'm so sorry.

My partner likes his ps4 and every couple of months when he gets a new game he will play it most evenings for a week but other than that the majority of the time we watch telly/go for walks/chat whenever home together.

How long has it been going on? I'm guessing he doesn't do much around the house either?

Thanks for all the replies. I’m reading carefully. I appreciate people’s advice to put my foot down and insist on 2 hours a day for everyone then screens off and everyone do something else and yes, if I was on my own in the house with the kids I would do that and turn the WiFi off. However, with another parent in the house who refuses to engage (believe me I’ve tried) what can I do? I make them come off and then they sit and watch him!! Then it’s “well daddy’s playing”. Then I say “can we please do something else” it’s “well what do you want to do?” While not looking at me or huffing and “come on kids. Your mother wants to stop us playing now”. So the whole thing involves stress/disrespect and a “them against me” vibe. Then when I do get them out they all just agitate to get back home and moan moan moan. I’ve tried everything. I go to family functions on my own. I go most places on my own and have for years. To the poster who said about it being selfish not doing the thing that 3 people want but making them doing something I want...where’s the balance then? So I just spend all day every day on my own while my kids sit on playstations from 8am to 8pm and I just pop up to give them drinks and food? Because that’s how most weekends are spent? My husband enjoys playing with them and seems to prefer if I’m not around so they can just sit and game game game. I’ve joined in and I’ve got more games downloaded on my phone than one person can play (for them). My issue isn’t gaming, it’s that it’s excessive, I’m ignored and I have nobody interested in anything I want to do. I see friends posting photos of family walks. I’d like that once a day at the weekend. I’d like a companion! Not a partner who is inconvenienced every time I try and have a chat because he has to look up from the iPad game he’s absorbed in

But you are expected to control and monitor your children’s activities, so even if you can’t deal with him absolutely deal with them!!

Mine get an hour a day screen time and an hour telly if they have to..... but my husband is very much on board - that is your biggest battle!!

The only solution to this, is to leave your partner. You've let this go on for years, so it's going to be hard to get your children to do anything else without him around, but as the only responsible parent here, it's what you've got to do.

You wouldn't have allowed your partner to keep giving them alcohol, this is the same.

You've got to LTB.

Sounds rough gamerout. From the title, I thought this was going to be about teens.

My spouse games far more than me, we have several consoles and such. This has never been a big issue for us, we've set from an early age the kids get one hour a day, extra time only if we're all playing together or special occasions until recently my oldest sometimes get extra time in the evenings. I asked my spouse what his gamer dude brain thinks, and his advice is to sit him down, without the kids, and talk about the issue of both gaming time and encouraging the kids to be disrespectful to you. Even with a hobby he enjoys, neither should be acceptable.

If refuses to budge, then, I'm going to agree with the others that this may not work and you shouldn't be suffering for his hobby.

So I just spend all day every day on my own while my kids sit on playstations from 8am to 8pm and I just pop up to give them drinks and food

Why are you serving them like a waitress? You're facilitating their lifestyle.

There's no reason you can't have different rules about gaming for your DC and for adults - you don't let them drive or drink alcohol just because dad's allowed, do you?

You've got two completely separate problems here, OP - (1) your DC are having so much screen time they're unable to participate in family life or any other activities and (2) your husband is a selfish waste of space.

Don't let your primary-age DC fool you into thinking they're the same issue - they're not!

Feel so bad for you here OP.

I'd echo what others have said, 1) this isn't a reflection on you. This isn't because you or your suggestions arent interesting enough, it's because they're so used to instant gratification through a TV screen that anything else seems boring in comparison - you have time to change this with your kids if they're primary aged.

I'd look into the research on excessive screen time leading to less development in other areas (e.g. creativity, athleticism in some cases etc) and present your DH with it. His response should tell you everything you need to know.

Good luck!

I can see your point of what is the point of being with this man. He sounds horrible!

I understand that you have tried to talk to him before about this situation. I would talk again but with the subject being - I want us to divorce if we dont' get this sorted out. It is not fair to have primary school kids gaming for so many hours. I am very unhappy etc etc.

At least if you have the kids to yourself eow, you are in charge and can set your own rules.

This isn't acceptable. Me and my husband are both huge gamers - we play together and apart. But in normal times we also go out for dinner, go to watch live music, or to the cinema. I hate walks and have mobility issues, so we don't really hike or go out for a wander in the evening, but we do swim and other things.

There has to be a balance to any hobby or it ends up like this really, whether it is gaming, cycling, running or knitting. If that is all someone does then anyone living with them is eventually going to get fed up. They are going to feel isolated and not a priority. Yes you can do things by yourself, but there comes a point when you also start to feel lonely. In this case it also models bad habits for your children.

I can see what will happen if this continues. You will eventually hit your breaking point, divorce him and then your sons, being old enough by that point, will both choose to stay with him and this will be their life. They are still young enough to break this habit and find enjoyment in other things. But this is going to involve breaking the pattern, ignoring your whining husband and taking the boys out to do something else. Frankly, walks and similar bore most children, so it is better to work exercise into something enjoyable e.g. going to the zoo or whatever you have locally.

But, you know that you won't get any support from your husband. Frankly, what is he even bringing to your life at the moment, except making it more difficult. I think you have a hard decision to make here and a conversation about what needs to happen to stay married.

I solved this problem by getting divorced. The breaking point for me was when he started moaning about me going out without him. Apparently he was lonely gaming alone and wanted me to sit and watch (and clean and bring him food). I resented how much of my life I was wasting stuck inside all the time with the curtains closed, so he could see his screens. It was very hard to leave, but I've had loads of great experiences since that I never would have had with him. I'm also married to a grown man who enjoys spending time with me. It's paradise.

If he's not listening you need to either get a divorce or get your broadband disconnected. My ex much preferred the divorce option. It told me just how high a priority I was for him.

PS It is an addiction. He won't quit until he's ready and you'll all have spent 20 or more years inside the house. You probably can't save him, but you can save yourself and your boys.

Gaming has become worse in our household since lock down and I am the only one who doesn't game, it is a constant battle to get everyone to do stuff that involves moving their real life actual bodies, what really annoys me is the pps who say it's not gaming that's the problem, but ones management of it. As far as I can see its ridiculously addictive. I hate it

They are designed to be addictive, highly so.

A parent needs to manage the balance between gaming and all the other stuff - the creative stuff, playing outside, reading, everything else. Teaching self regulation really.

Your idiot husband is doing them -no- good at all. You won't stop him. Really, sadly, separation seems the only answer because while they are with him, they will game endlessly but when they are with just you, you can reach a much better balance. They will hate it, but it necessary for their long term well being.

Right now, you have no influence. Separated, you have much more.

So, there are 3 people that enjoy gaming but not walking and 1 person that enjoys walking but not gaming. How about telling your family that 4 clever people can brainstorm a third - completely new - activity that all 4 of you might enjoy?

OP youre not alone. Gaming addiction is real, and incredibly sad.
I lived with my two adult brothers for a while when I returned from the uk after living abroad. Their gaming addictions horrified me. Days and nights spent cooped up on their gaming PCs with the curtains drawn, eating takeaways and heated up junk at their desks, watching youtube tutorials about the games, talking about the games, arguing about the games. Games games games.
I was crucified on a thread I started about not wanting any gaming devices at all for my (currently baby) son after living with it. But reading your and others experiences reminds me how awful and unhealthy it is.

And yes, you should leave him. Someone that lazy and gaming obsessed wont want 50/50 custody. It will take him away from gaming.
So the children will be with you most of the time, and have a healthier lifestyle. Gamey dad may seem fun now, but they will probably understand and thank you as adults, when they realise you were the one doing the actual parenting.

Have to be honest I'm pretty appalled at what you describe for primary age children.

They should be getting out and doing lots of other things including walks in nature playing sports and just generally playing in other ways.

Their brains are still developing and I'm shocked at the idea if kids on screens for 12 hours _-what state are they in after thst?

My 8 year old is in a bad mood if he games fit more than an hour.

Honestly id leave your husband so you can stop the gaming ruining your young kids mental and physical health

Definitely stop with the snacks and meals! Primary age is well old enough to get their own snacks, at any rate.

Your husband is being a cock. I'm sorry.

@gamerout
I hear you. I have 2 DS's, they love screens and happily would stay on them all day if I let them.
They grunt if I speak to them when they're on it.
I'm lucky in the fact that DH doesn't game though, sounds like you're in an impossible situation.
All of them 12 HOURS A DAY?!
No, just no.
Apart from anything, where's his sense of parenting?! Can't he see that's an utter shit cop out parenting decision, 12 hours a day on games?!
Not healthy.
I'd say limit the time your kids are on it like I do with mine, allowed the afternoon on it but have to turn off in the evening.
That's about 6 hours and then I think that's too much but it's a compromise!
DH being on it too would seriously undermine and normalise.
I echo what others have said - if I had to put up with that, I'd be doing fuck all for them and going out for the day by myself.
You say your kids are primary aged though? I'd have to bring them back a lovely meal when I returned, DH could go do his own fucking food though if you were me!
Do yourself up and go out for the day.

Forgot to add mine are both teen aged now - primary school there is no effin way they'd have been on screens 6 hours, let alone 12!

So I just spend all day every day on my own while my kids sit on playstations from 8am to 8pm and I just pop up to give them drinks and food

Why are you serving them like a waitress? You're facilitating their lifestyle.

Unfortunately, I think I can guess why the OP is doing this. It is probably because she knows that if she doesn't, they will end up living on crisps and sweets and Coco Pops and then they will have a crap unhealthy diet as well as a crap unhealthy lifestyle.

There's a recurring myth on Mumsnet that rubbish men will grow up and become great parents if only women will only "stop doing things for them" and "stop facilitating" their lack of parenting effort.

The reality is that women often end up doing the lion's share of parenting, housework, meal prep and homework supervision because they know that if they don't do it, their partner won't do it either because he doesn't care. Shit fathers basically use their kids as human shields, knowing that their wife loves the kids too much to let them be neglected.

OP, this is an addiction. It will ruin your life and marriage just like a drink or drug problem will. The fact that your DH sees nothing negative about 12 hours a day on screens is alarming.

And this is my very first Leave The Bastard, by the way. He sounds like an absolute shocker.

Especially this bit:

I make them come off and then they sit and watch him!! Then it’s “well daddy’s playing”. Then I say “can we please do something else” it’s “well what do you want to do?” While not looking at me or huffing and “come on kids. Your mother wants to stop us playing now”. So the whole thing involves stress/disrespect and a “them against me” vibe. Then when I do get them out they all just agitate to get back home and moan moan moan. I’ve tried everything. I go to family functions on my own. I go most places on my own and have for years.

Your DH needs a wake up call to his poor standards of parenting. 12 hours a day on screens is negligence. I would be leaving him.

That is NOT good for your kids. Our has a gaming limit of 10 hours a week total - which during lockdown they can use up to 2 hrs a day. Before kick down it was up to 2 hrs on weekends only.
I’d impose restrictions on the kids, maybe keep the gaming night as a special father/ kids thing but otherwise this sounds awful.
Don’t know what you can do about your DH, you. Red to at least try to get him onboard with the kids.
You need at least one weekend day where you all do something outside as a family.

Just take the kids out of the house - do they have bikes? Take them out? Or drive to a forest or beAch or take them to the park with a ball. It’s not up to you to entertain them all the time, turn off the screens and they’ll do that themselves.