Would you press for a holiday ?

[studychick81]

I really love holidays abroad and would do two + plus a year if we could. We have the money for 2 a year when we save. DH isn't bothered by holidays at all, would happily do a Uk holiday and moans about every holiday we go on, although he does enjoy it when there. We have very different idea about how to spend our money, he would spend on day to day life, I would save to afford abroad holidays.

This year we were meant to be going to the USA on a big road trip as a family and then DH and I on a long weekend to a European country. Obviously with Covid these have been cancelled.

Instead we have had a week in the UK. I really want to do a cheap holiday to a European country at the end of August. We have the money from saving for the cancelled holidays. I have solely home schooled the dcs and had uni work all this time, they are at private school so the summer holiday is very long, I have missed out on two holidays, one of which was a holiday of a lifetime and to see a close family member. I want a break and a change of scenery.

DH doesn't want to as he's worried about work, he's self employed, only he works, and is responsible for sales so the pressure of x amount of £ each month revenue is on him. He wants to see if a couple of big jobs come off. He's worried about the effect of Covid on the business, although they have been ok, no-one furloughed. I think he's more worried about what the staff will think. I get that, so have found a villa which has high speed internet and said we could go out in the am and get back late afternoon and he could do his work then, there's a swimming pool at the villa so some days we could stay in and he could work whilst dc play in pool. He's saying that would be too hard as it's hot and he would want to be outside too not working. I think it's unfair for dc and us to miss out on a holiday because of this. I have some studying too so will probably work some evenings too.

He then said about Covid so I have found a villa we can drive to via the tunnel and can social distance from.

AIBU to push for this or should I leave it? I understand about work but we always have this problem as he's self employed and it's so frustrating. He never wants to go on holiday even when Covid or work isn't a problem.

Or should I just leave it and suck up the fact I have gone from 2 holidays to 0?

He’s so worried about his business he needs to work on a Sunday but you are just worried about your bike ride. You could go on your own. And he is so stressed he needs to sleep - not being up at 8:30 on a Sunday is hardly a crime.

What exactly do YOU contribute that makes you so deserving of holidays from not doing anything?? Aside from your attitude, this year is NOT the year for foreign hols, particularly not if your business is in trouble. Sounds like his may be. Will you be able to earn enough for the school fees if he goes to the wall?

It sounds like there are a few things going on.. he wants to spend money on lifestyle and you want to go in holiday and even though the money is there for a holiday, you do not have a say in how it is spent, he has gone back on the agreement to go on holiday and is using COVID as an excuse.

I would guess from the other things you have said that he has been free to prioritise his career while you have made sacrifices to yours while bringing up your children. And while you have a comfortable life, like many women, you have probably given up more than you bargained on.

DH and I have had a watershed blowout over something similar in the last few months. He is stressed, hates his job but but unless he steps up and takes over some of the grunt work and the mental load of our family, I cannot give my career the jump start it needs.

Unless he is not being honest about finances, I think the fact that he can veto a family holiday sounds concerning as does the fact that he doesn't want to pay for a holiday he won't go on. He sees it as his money. I think I would be trying to remind him that without you taking the load if homeschooling and parenting, either his business would be is worse shape or your children would have been neglected and he needs to see your input as equal and that you should have an equal share of the decision making.

Good luck!!!

A tough one. For me holidays are non negotiable and we would usually have at least 3 abroad a year. However I wouldnt push this if I was expecting someone else to pay for them and didnt work

Given the need to socially distance, does it really matter if the holiday is abroad.

Just this week I was looking at short term
Rental homes with private pools in my own area. Turns out there are a few. So we don’t even need to hassle with significant travel.

If you are going to hang by the pool and get food to-go, why not do it locally?

India may- me too. Does your DH agree with the multiple holidays you want? I do understand his view about paying for it, although I don't think that's his main reason. He just doesn't value holidays. Even when I am earning I think it will be the same, I think it's going to be an ongoing problem

Chateaux- you are completely right, that is his view. Only the person earning has a valuable role, I feel he doesn't value my role at all. It is a constant battle. Yes 100% he wouldn't he able to focus so much on his job if it wasn't for me, I have said when I start working he will need to step up and do more with the dcs. He doesn't see it like that and constantly compares our roles.

Cats pjs- well actually, I am a bit sceptical about his stress levels, I feel he turns it on and off when he wants. He didn't get up until gone 9 this morning. We did go for a bike ride and we're heading back, he wanted to stop at the pub, I pointed out that I thought he had work to do, apparently it could wait. I then wanted to leave as I had work to do too. No, apparently there's time for another drink.

Got home, we both did a couple of hours work. He's now watching football for the rest of the evening. I said I thought he was stressed and had lots to do. Apparently he's done it all in those two hours and the rest can wait.

So things aren't as black and white as DH really stressed and me a spoilt, entitled brat. I feel he turns on the stress when it suits

Gindaddy- he's lying in bed because he's not a morning person, and because he went out on Friday night and got drunk and had a curry so felt ill on Saturday and lay on the sofa all day doing nothing. Then he stayed up late last night watching a film last night so is tired. I don't begrudge that yesterday, but feel aggrieved that he said he couldn't come for a bike ride because he had work to do.

Pain- we have actually discussed that. I would step up and work more, I am ok about working more, I don't need to work at the moment but I am getting a job anyway. We are in the very fortunate position to have money in shares which we would cash in to live on. He could actually earn the same or more if he freelanced or was a consultant in the same business. I would have to adapt.

I think it's likely I will get a job out of uni, I can either work for myself or work get a job in the sector. It's a post graduate degree so it is a career change but one that is very similar to what I have done for the last fifteen years before leaving.

Gindaddy- he's lying in bed because he's not a morning person, and because he went out on Friday night and got drunk and had a curry so felt ill on Saturday and lay on the sofa all day doing nothing. Then he stayed up late last night watching a film last night so is tired. I don't begrudge that yesterday, but feel aggrieved that he said he couldn't come for a bike ride because he had work to do.

Pain- we have actually discussed that. I would step up and work more, I am ok about working more, I don't need to work at the moment but I am getting a job anyway. We are in the very fortunate position to have money in shares which we would cash in to live on. He could actually earn the same or more if he freelanced or was a consultant in the same business. I would have to adapt.

I think it's likely I will get a job out of uni, I can either work for myself or work get a job in the sector. It's a post graduate degree so it is a career change but one that is very similar to what I have done for the last fifteen years before leaving.

You want to go for a bike ride to spend time as a family and don't want him to work today.

You go for a bike ride, he enjoys himself and wants to continue family time with a drink.

You then decide YOU want to go home to work actually so family time is over and he is now the baddie for doing what you wanted him to do originally.

You only didn't want him to have that extra drink to be spiteful, otherwise you would have mentioned earlier on that you both had work to do later on.

Even though he did what you wanted (after he got up at 9 which is hardly a huge lie in on a Sunday) you wanted to punish him for him not doing what you wanted in the last day or so. Hence you saying you suddenly wanted to work and making such snide remarks.

I said I thought he was stressed and had lots to do.

He did family time. He did his work. That was a compromise. You still made that snide comment.

So things aren't as black and white as DH really stressed and me a spoilt, entitled brat. I feel he turns on the stress when it suits

Your self awareness is shocking OP - you say this as if your post 'proves' people are wrong to think you're behaving in an incredibly entitled way when it does the opposite and reinforces that!

He has worked a full week, got up at 9 and gone on the family bike ride you wanted him to go on, been told when he is allowed to leave in your opinion, had snide remarks about him not really being stressed / tired and done some more work once he got home. He now wants to watch some football. Yeah, what a wanker...

You sound so, so exhausting.

I literally don't know what you're talking about. I am saying what happened, he couldn't come on a bike ride as he had too much to do, we agreed on a short ride of his choice, I offered to rush home afterwards so he could do his work like he wanted to, he would rather go to the pub. The comment about another drink was shock as I thought he wanted to go for a short bike ride to get home. I was not in the slightest bit spiteful I had already told him I had work to do. We have agreed a short bike ride in the am so could get back and do some work.

Got home, we both did a couple of hours work. He's now watching football for the rest of the evening. I said I thought he was stressed and had lots to do.

You didn't say this to him in a snide way either? Ok then... well you sound pretty sure of yourself and confident you are extremely reasonable so crack on

Get him on here so we can tell him to LTselfishB

I’m sure you’d be a captain of industry if only you were shot of this man, OP! The. You can pay for as many holidays as you’d like and spread Covid-19 wherever you wish.

There are more important things in life than holidays, especially in the middle of a pandemic.

You sound very spoilt @studychick81

At least your DH is still earning. Many others have lost their jobs and income, and have no prospect whatsoever of any holidays.

Think yourself lucky instead of whinging on here about a lifestyle many would envy.

I think this year in particular, due to the virus that it is important to spend a holiday in your home country & support local businesses

Being in a lockdown or sick in another country is not fun & it could cost a lot more than money, especially if he is self employed

There will hopefully be lots more times in the future for foreign holidays