Would you press for a holiday ?

[studychick81]

I really love holidays abroad and would do two + plus a year if we could. We have the money for 2 a year when we save. DH isn't bothered by holidays at all, would happily do a Uk holiday and moans about every holiday we go on, although he does enjoy it when there. We have very different idea about how to spend our money, he would spend on day to day life, I would save to afford abroad holidays.

This year we were meant to be going to the USA on a big road trip as a family and then DH and I on a long weekend to a European country. Obviously with Covid these have been cancelled.

Instead we have had a week in the UK. I really want to do a cheap holiday to a European country at the end of August. We have the money from saving for the cancelled holidays. I have solely home schooled the dcs and had uni work all this time, they are at private school so the summer holiday is very long, I have missed out on two holidays, one of which was a holiday of a lifetime and to see a close family member. I want a break and a change of scenery.

DH doesn't want to as he's worried about work, he's self employed, only he works, and is responsible for sales so the pressure of x amount of £ each month revenue is on him. He wants to see if a couple of big jobs come off. He's worried about the effect of Covid on the business, although they have been ok, no-one furloughed. I think he's more worried about what the staff will think. I get that, so have found a villa which has high speed internet and said we could go out in the am and get back late afternoon and he could do his work then, there's a swimming pool at the villa so some days we could stay in and he could work whilst dc play in pool. He's saying that would be too hard as it's hot and he would want to be outside too not working. I think it's unfair for dc and us to miss out on a holiday because of this. I have some studying too so will probably work some evenings too.

He then said about Covid so I have found a villa we can drive to via the tunnel and can social distance from.

AIBU to push for this or should I leave it? I understand about work but we always have this problem as he's self employed and it's so frustrating. He never wants to go on holiday even when Covid or work isn't a problem.

Or should I just leave it and suck up the fact I have gone from 2 holidays to 0?

He should have the say because he is trying to protect the family finances and make sure they are secure for the future whereas the OP wants a holiday abroad which she feels she is entitled to because she always gets what she wants and that her wants are more important than sorting out her DH's stress or securing a good financial footing for the future.

Why are we mad to consider it?

My first concern would be getting stuck in a lockdown somewhere far from home.

She wants a vacation. They Can Afford it. Why is he the boss?

Well, tvsnacks, he’s quite literally The Self-Employed Boss Of Earning Money During A Pandemic and he thinks they shouldn’t “afford it” because future earnings aren’t certain. Her desire for a vacation isn’t remotely the point.

You usually get to go OS twice a year- your preference.
DH prefers to holiday in UK.
This year can be his year and you can save money for an even better holiday OS next year.

I think it’s normal to always have work at the back of your mind when you’re responsible for whether or not other people eat or have jobs.

If you’re none of the things you’ve been accused of then let this one go. Try again next year.

Imagine how much more you’ll enjoy planning and researching a holiday when you also get to pay for it!

I am only reading the constructive posts btw, so insults and accusations won't be read anyway.

Never read such haughty nonsense in my life. Unless you have a new keyword based algorithm software update in your brain for pre-vetting sentiment before glancing and reading...?

Then just be honest, you're reading everything, you're just recoiling from the vast majority of posts that are correctly inferring that you are being very unreasonable here.

I think it’s normal to always have work at the back of your mind when you’re responsible for whether or not other people eat or have jobs.

Exactly this. OP wants her DH to work hard enough to provide 2 foreign holidays a year, private school and for her to be able to take time out to study etc but she also wants him to be totally carefree, relaxed and not factor work into decisions when there's something that she wants to do. That's not a fair or realistic expectation.

could you go without him? How would he feel about that?

My partner doesn’t like holidays. I do. So next week I am taking our DD away for a few days in the UK without him. However, I am the main bread winner and support the family and work full time, long hours, so feel justified. I also wanted to take her to Tenerife for a week but he said no, he wasn’t comfortable with her going on a plane during the epidemic, so I backed down. I feel fairly relaxed because we have had the virus and recovered from it, but I still needed to consider his feelings. In your situation, I don’t really understand how you would feel comfortable pushing your husband to spend money on a holiday for you when he has some concerns about your family’s financial future. Especially if your children are in private school. Taking a pay cut is enough to make anyone start thinking about being a bit more cautious until we at least know how long this situation will be going on for.

You sound very spoilt. Your dh is working very hard for your family to pay for all these luxuries and you still want more.
I know you've said you've got a job of a few hours since your first post but how many is a few hours? Does that mean you're now working enough to pay for these holidays yourself?
I work more than a few hours a week and I'm studying in the evening. I know a lot of people on here do that. I don't think studying means you can't work too.

Here's the thing (business owner here if that gives me the "right" to have an opinion).

He doesn't like foreign holidays. He finds the build up stressful. I sympathise, actually, it can be a lot of "admin" especially when you've already got a full plate and a lot of responsibility that doesn't go away when you're not physically there.

He won't find it relaxing, he'll either have to work or have pressure building up while he's away with the added strain of being out of his comfort zone.

If you cared as much about him as your enjoyment of 2 holidays a year - you'd listen to and respect his concerns.

It's not every year, it's just this one where the business pressures are higher, it's less predictable and the travel situation contains more risk as well (what if borders close, flights cancel etc etc) - he's asking for one thing - you want the opposite. He's ALREADY made compromises to go away when he didn't feel like it. Have a care for your husband's needs as well as your own. You reap the benefit in a decent household income and the privilege of choice.

A slave! Hilarious.

Actually, I would say DH gets many more things he wants than me, I am much better at compromising than he is. We change/adapt our lives or I give up things all the time for his work. For instance today I want to go for a family bike ride but he doesn't because he wants to work. Although, he's still lying in bed right now so could fit both in if he got up.

I have talked to him about going alone with dcs or with a friend in the same situation. He's not keen to pay for a holiday he's not going on, which I do get.

With the update, it sounds like your desire for a holiday is more to want an acknowledgement from your DH that his family matters enough for him to spend some work free time with you all.

What about another UK holiday OP? Feels like the obvious compromise and you should be able to afford something special ?

For God's sake stop acting like a spoilt child. We can't always have what we want
Support him

I’m not sure why you posted if you only want to hear from people who agree with you?

I understand where you're coming from OP. Growing up, my DF had his own business and was always reluctant to go on holiday, although really enjoyed it once we were there. Work has always come first for him, and it did cause a few issues.

That said, I don't think your DH is BU this year. Things are very different now, and whatever sector you work in, jobs and businesses are unstable. The fact he's already taken a paycut means his business obviously isn't unaffected, and while it may seem that we are coming out of the other side, the economy hasn't yet seen the full damage. I think it's sensible to keep aside the money you've saved from not going on holiday until you have a better idea of how his business will be affected in the long-term, to use as a support blanket in case the worst comes.

There are plenty of lovely places in the UK to have a really enjoyable holiday. As a child we used to go on holiday to far-flung exotic places, but the one I have the best memories of is the week we spent in Cornwall

So......you're still only thinking about your wants?

We change/adapt our lives or I give up things all the time for his work. For instance today I want to go for a family bike ride but he doesn't because he wants to work.

Go with the kids yourself, then?

I dunno, OP - it’s clearly about more than THIS holiday THIS year (about which you’re being really pretty unreasonable) and you may have a more general point about his work-life-family-time balance but digging your heels in on the holiday is not going to help you change that. He’s offered another UK break - why not research that instead?

Your husband is being very sensible and I agree. I love holidays too and ours cancelled this year so just trying a night away only.
Why don't you work ?

Actually, I would say DH gets many more things he wants than me, I am much better at compromising than he is.

He has suggested a compromise - you get a foreign holiday every year except this one due to a global pandemic making him worried about money and time re work. Because he's self employed.

We change/adapt our lives or I give up things all the time for his work.

Unfortunately that's the price anyone pays with kids in private school, two holidays a year and one parent not in full time work so able to study. It involves some sacrifice, lots of which he is making to fund your family's lifestyle.

Jobs that fund that lifestyle do not allow for the same amount of family time or switching off as lower paid jobs, especially when you're self employed.

For instance today I want to go for a family bike ride but he doesn't because he wants to work.

Presumably he is exhausted from working this week and would find a lie in a better way to catch up on rest than a bike ride. Can you not see that?

Would you be willing to give up the lifestyle you have if it meant he spent more time with the family? For example if he earned less than now, you also worked in order to contribute financially but that meant the kids had to move schools, you cut back on food spends etc and had 'only' one holiday a year?

It sounds like this is all more about you not being able to do what you want (without sacrificing your own time or having to choose earning over studying) rather than actually wanting quality time with him. Which is a bit sad really.

No I think one holiday given the pandemic and self-employment is reasonable.

For instance today I want to go for a family bike ride but he doesn't because he wants to work. Although, he's still lying in bed right now so could fit both in if he got up.

Do you have any perception of how you sound @studychick81 ?

Let me ask you a question. Why do you think your DH is lying in bed right now? What possible reason could he have for wanting to recharge his batteries?

I'm just curious. I'm not a MRA and I don't think blokes should have lie-ins.

I just would invite you to try having some perspective on what you're actually saying here. You're suggesting he could get up earlier, get the bike ride in, and work... is there anything U about that suggestion, or do you just "press" until you get what you want?

Would you be willing to give up the lifestyle you have if it meant he spent more time with the family? For example if he earned less than now, you also worked in order to contribute financially but that meant the kids had to move schools, you cut back on food spends etc and had 'only' one holiday a year?

I would like to know the answer to this too to be honest. What about a complete drop in finances and no holiday at all? How would op cope, it's just not possible in her world to not have a holiday!

I mean you're going to uni, studying, how do you know you'll get a job at the end of it? A lot of graduates this year are screwed on getting work. That may still be the case next year for you, unless it's nursing you're doing.

What if your partner is lying to you as well about the company? Wouldn't be the first time a partner has said everything is OK while being up to their eyeballs in debt... His behaviour does suggest lying to be honest.

Wonder if DH knows what Op really thinks about his efforts at providing for his family? If he found it difficult to relax from work issues pre-covid when everything was probably ticking along nicely (certainly able to fund a household, private school, 2x holidays a year and study time for one of the parents), for most businesses, he''ll be feeling much worse now, especially since no-one can see what is around the corner yet. I love my holidays but accept that this year it's very, very unlikely

@studychick81

A slave! Hilarious.

Actually, I would say DH gets many more things he wants than me, I am much better at compromising than he is. We change/adapt our lives or I give up things all the time for his work. For instance today I want to go for a family bike ride but he doesn't because he wants to work. Although, he's still lying in bed right now so could fit both in if he got up.

I have talked to him about going alone with dcs or with a friend in the same situation. He's not keen to pay for a holiday he's not going on, which I do get.

A family bike ride is in no way comparable to an expensive holiday abroad that may well compromise your family financial security, you are being ridiculous.