Would you press for a holiday ?

[studychick81]

I really love holidays abroad and would do two + plus a year if we could. We have the money for 2 a year when we save. DH isn't bothered by holidays at all, would happily do a Uk holiday and moans about every holiday we go on, although he does enjoy it when there. We have very different idea about how to spend our money, he would spend on day to day life, I would save to afford abroad holidays.

This year we were meant to be going to the USA on a big road trip as a family and then DH and I on a long weekend to a European country. Obviously with Covid these have been cancelled.

Instead we have had a week in the UK. I really want to do a cheap holiday to a European country at the end of August. We have the money from saving for the cancelled holidays. I have solely home schooled the dcs and had uni work all this time, they are at private school so the summer holiday is very long, I have missed out on two holidays, one of which was a holiday of a lifetime and to see a close family member. I want a break and a change of scenery.

DH doesn't want to as he's worried about work, he's self employed, only he works, and is responsible for sales so the pressure of x amount of £ each month revenue is on him. He wants to see if a couple of big jobs come off. He's worried about the effect of Covid on the business, although they have been ok, no-one furloughed. I think he's more worried about what the staff will think. I get that, so have found a villa which has high speed internet and said we could go out in the am and get back late afternoon and he could do his work then, there's a swimming pool at the villa so some days we could stay in and he could work whilst dc play in pool. He's saying that would be too hard as it's hot and he would want to be outside too not working. I think it's unfair for dc and us to miss out on a holiday because of this. I have some studying too so will probably work some evenings too.

He then said about Covid so I have found a villa we can drive to via the tunnel and can social distance from.

AIBU to push for this or should I leave it? I understand about work but we always have this problem as he's self employed and it's so frustrating. He never wants to go on holiday even when Covid or work isn't a problem.

Or should I just leave it and suck up the fact I have gone from 2 holidays to 0?

Yabu. He’s the only earner, he knows what his business can stand, and he’s already said he’s worried.

He may need every penny to keep a roof over your heads and feed you.

You could try helping him alleviate the worry by economising rather than wasting money on a holiday.

Why not focus on economising until next spring and if you make it through in a good financial state, book a big holiday then.

DH has just said that we could have another holiday in the UK though, he doesn't want to pay for a holiday abroad. So it's not actually about with if he can have a week off after all. We have the money saved up so it doesn't matter. We are actually saving loads compared to what the other holidays would have cost.

I am only reading the constructive posts btw, so insults and accusations won't be read anyway. I am none of those things I am being accused of.

Holidays are important to me, I enjoy planning them, saving for them and really enjoy them. So shoot me!

Remind us why you asked then?

@studychick81

I appreciate that this is a first world problem, it doesn't mean I am thoughtless about the situation with Covid and peoples lives.

The thing is DH is always worried about work, it's always on his head. Every year we have the same discussion he never wants to go away, I find it so frustrating how it influences our lives so much. We have discussions about him changing jobs but he doubt think he can go back to working for someone else but at times he is so stressed. It might be good for him to leave it alone and go away. His business partner doesn't worry, he just drops everything for a month and goes away with little notice. The business has got though the hardest time And they have been ok, they have been quite busy but DH did take a small pay cut.

I am not spoiled, I am actually at uni training and hope to be back to work next year, partly to ease the pressure off DH.

Well, if his business partner buggers off for a month, it's down to him the business keeps going.

And if you think the business is through the worst of it, you are very naive, it isn't going to get better at the moment, it's going to get worse.

It’s not selfish to want a break and do something you enjoy.
However I’d accept a foreign holiday is not going to happen this year.

AIBU to push for this or should I leave it?

This is what you asked. Which was utterly pointless considering your attitude and your responses since. Your poor DH.

He can't be too worried financially as he's happy to spend money on meals out on our uk holiday, his expensive car and lots of things off Amazon. He's actually admitted work isn't the big issue, he'd rather go to the UK and spend money in lifestyle rather than holidays.

I have also started working a few hours alongside studying.

Okay, you are getting flamed here OP and you are coming across as selfish, but here’s another way of looking at this.

You say you want your husband to relax but really it all smacks of you wanting him to relax to enable your good time, rather than really caring about his stress levels.

It does sound like he might be too stressed and be a bit of a workaholic, but in that case being supportive doesn’t mean trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do, just because you find it relaxing.

Why not forget the holidays this year (though didn’t you say you have had a U.K. One?) and have a serious discussion with your husband about his stress and what to do about it. Not for you, for him. Does he need counselling maybe? Mindfulness?

What’s coming across is that you’re concerned how his stress affects you, not him.

I have also started working a few hours alongside studying.

Since your first post? Well done!

It sounds as if your DH is unbothered about holidays, but you are. I suppose it depends on the reason why he doesn't want to go abroad - is it the additional cost or worries about covid-19?

@studychick81

He can't be too worried financially as he's happy to spend money on meals out on our uk holiday, his expensive car and lots of things off Amazon. He's actually admitted work isn't the big issue, he'd rather go to the UK and spend money in lifestyle rather than holidays.

I have also started working a few hours alongside studying.

What? You’ve managed to find a job and start working a few hours since 10.55 this morning? Wow, good going OP.

You're the one that wants to go on holiday, regardless of husbands concerns about his business - why don't you get a job and pay for holidays?

He can't be too worried financially as he's happy to spend money on meals out on our uk holiday, his expensive car and lots of things off Amazon.

So he is happy to spend money on things for you all to enjoy while you're on your UK holiday so that means he should be happy to pay for a whole second holiday too? I don't think your financial sense is as good as you think it is.

Even if you don't feel you have an entitled attitude, people on this thread have almost unanimously pointed out you sound like you have one.

Do you not think it's mature to be gracious and take on board the fact there either might be something in what people think, or at least that you don't present yourself in the way you believe you do?

DH has just said that we could have another holiday in the UK though, he doesn't want to pay for a holiday abroad. So it's not actually about with if he can have a week off after all. We have the money saved up so it doesn't matter. We are actually saving loads compared to what the other holidays would have cost.

How much you’re ‘saving’ is irrelevant because if he’s concerned about the business and bring financially cautious then it’s not about what you would have spent if there was no pandemic, it’s about what you spend now.

How much is he prepared to spend on a U.K. break vs your proposed option?

You clearly have a longer-term issue to solve, but digging your heels in now on this seems extremely short-sighted. Home-schooling your privately educated kids(so presumably a high level of school input and quality work set) in no way compares to working throughout keeping a business with employees afloat.

I plan my year around getting my two holidays abroad. We had a big family holiday planned this year but we can't risk getting stuck if a second wave comes. When the resorts start opening its very possible that some countries might get a second wave. Even if they don't PPE might need to be worn. Wearing a mask in the heat isn't fun.

The risk of being stuck in quarantine is too high for me and getting insurance will be hard.

Why not save the money for a UK break or some fun days out. Or get something you have been wanting but always thought it was a bit much. Instead of holidays we got a Switch each.

I get that missing out on Holidays is crap.

Op, there may be a pot of money saved but it may be needed elsewhere.

As for money on his car, if he took a car on contract in good times, he now can’t avoid the payments. Or if he bought it, it will have halved in value. Maybe he will need that money to cover school fees?

You and your dh don’t sound like much of a team to be honest, you sound petulant and spoilt with no grasp of economic reality.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

If he doesn't wan't to go is there anyway you can just go and take the kids. Might even do you both good to have some time apart if you have been on top of each other for the past 5 months.

I'm planning on flying to Turkey in September. I couldn't give a toss about this bug, I've lived through worse when there hasn't been so much hysteria.

You could always go without him.

I'm sorry OP, I don't want to be harsh but I think you are being incredibly selfish. Your DH is the sole earner, it's his business and he is telling you he is worried and he'd like 2 large jobs to come off. And you are worried about a holiday in a villa?

If you really want to go away earn your own money, and ask him if he's ok with you going somewhere for a certain week as the kids would like it and then just you and them go.

To be honest, I totally get the wanting a foreign holiday this year more than ever, but also, this year more than ever, if you want your DH’s business to survive putting money back into the U.K. economy via U.K. holidays, meals out etc is actually a very good idea.

Covid has ruined everyone's year - most people are disadvantaged in some way, you're not unique in having "lost" holidays.

But economic downturn is coming, your husband is being sensible, and you're being a bit of a muppet.

@Sirzy

Nothing in your last post makes you sound any less selfish.

He doesn’t like holidays but does two holidays a year with you including a pretty big one that was planned this year. Therefore he compromises every year. This year he has asked you to change plans for one year in the middle of a global crisis and your sulking?

This sums it up for me. Every year OP gets a holiday that her husband doesn’t want. It’s a shame when partners can’t compromise.

I am only reading the constructive posts btw, so insults and accusations won't be read anyway.
Nice echo chamber created there for you op. Is learn to listen and compromise with your DP before this puts a genuine strain on your relationship. I can’t imagine being the only person bringing in money, during a pandemic and then my partner moaning we can’t go abroad, despite the fact they knew I hated holidays at the best of time’s. He must feel like he is doing all this hard work and getting two fingers up at him and his thoughts and feelings don’t matter.

Actually sorry I reread your OP - seems your DH has multiple concerns.
I do get you - some of my friends DHs are reluctant holiday goers at the best of times, so are really embracing the whole not going away anywhere idea.
I do think YABU to say you've not been on holiday as you have in the UK. I think at this point cut your losses - book a really nice UK break, and see if you can do a European mini break with your DH later in the year or an October break abroad- I'm hoping things will calm down over the next couple of months.

The thing is DH is always worried about work, it's always on his head. Every year we have the same discussion he never wants to go away, I find it so frustrating how it influences our lives so much.

You can't be pissed off that his work "influences" your life when it also funds your life. How many jobs that pay enough for two holidays a year, private education for two DC and for one parent to not work/take time out to study but don't impact on family life do you think are actually out there?

It's quite normal for work commitments to play a big part in people's decisions and how/when they spend time as a family. That's normal life for most working people.

I think only people who are self employed or with someone self employed can understand what a rollercoaster it is and how frustrating and stressful the impact it has on our family life is. This is one of the main reasons I am going back into work, it effects our lives deeply and not for the better I think. DH has said he wants to leave many times and get another job, I don't push him, we discuss it. But he then never does, the business is always on the brink of big things. As I said I don't think this is purely a Covid thing as we have the same thing every year. He always finds a negative and moans about going away.

He's just admitted he would go on a Uk holiday so it can't be about time off. Admittedly it would be cheaper than the ones I have found abroad.

Fortunately he thinks his business is one that could prosper from the Covid situation as it one where many businesses suddenly want his services.

Haha! Yes actually, I have found work since 10.30am this morning. Lucky me!