Would you press for a holiday ?

[studychick81]

I really love holidays abroad and would do two + plus a year if we could. We have the money for 2 a year when we save. DH isn't bothered by holidays at all, would happily do a Uk holiday and moans about every holiday we go on, although he does enjoy it when there. We have very different idea about how to spend our money, he would spend on day to day life, I would save to afford abroad holidays.

This year we were meant to be going to the USA on a big road trip as a family and then DH and I on a long weekend to a European country. Obviously with Covid these have been cancelled.

Instead we have had a week in the UK. I really want to do a cheap holiday to a European country at the end of August. We have the money from saving for the cancelled holidays. I have solely home schooled the dcs and had uni work all this time, they are at private school so the summer holiday is very long, I have missed out on two holidays, one of which was a holiday of a lifetime and to see a close family member. I want a break and a change of scenery.

DH doesn't want to as he's worried about work, he's self employed, only he works, and is responsible for sales so the pressure of x amount of £ each month revenue is on him. He wants to see if a couple of big jobs come off. He's worried about the effect of Covid on the business, although they have been ok, no-one furloughed. I think he's more worried about what the staff will think. I get that, so have found a villa which has high speed internet and said we could go out in the am and get back late afternoon and he could do his work then, there's a swimming pool at the villa so some days we could stay in and he could work whilst dc play in pool. He's saying that would be too hard as it's hot and he would want to be outside too not working. I think it's unfair for dc and us to miss out on a holiday because of this. I have some studying too so will probably work some evenings too.

He then said about Covid so I have found a villa we can drive to via the tunnel and can social distance from.

AIBU to push for this or should I leave it? I understand about work but we always have this problem as he's self employed and it's so frustrating. He never wants to go on holiday even when Covid or work isn't a problem.

Or should I just leave it and suck up the fact I have gone from 2 holidays to 0?

Holidays in the UK are usually shockingly expensive for what you get, but there are some good offers this year. I can understand the OP. The thought of getting to the mountains in the summer is what normally keeps me going. I don't think it's selfish to want a holiday because people are dying and losing their jobs. The OP going on holiday won't change that and it might even help.

@Splodgetastic

Holidays in the UK are usually shockingly expensive for what you get, but there are some good offers this year. I can understand the OP. The thought of getting to the mountains in the summer is what normally keeps me going. I don't think it's selfish to want a holiday because people are dying and losing their jobs. The OP going on holiday won't change that and it might even help.

But it isn't going to help the worries her husband has about the business is it?

I love the use of the word "push" in this post, and "press" for a holiday in the title.

I think OP is obviously familiar with the power dynamics of how she and her DH works, and this AIBU post is just hoping for a sprinkling of validation.

I want a break and a change of scenery

Be careful what you wish for. Or keep on pushing, OP. Only you know best how this all works together.

No, I'd be pissed off if i was him. You might not realise it but on here you're coming across as shallow and spoiled. Right now it's time for a bit more appreciation and humility.

YABU. You're "frustrated" that your DH being self-employed is curtailing your opportunity to travel and that you feel you're "missing out" because of his business? Presumably his business also funds your choice to not work, to be able to study and to privately educate your DC! You're interpretation of "missing out" is a strange one. I can't imagine the stress and pressure that must come with being not only the sole breadwinner for a family of four but also responsible for other people's jobs during a global pandemic. Your DH has more important things on his mind than your "need" for a change of scenery.

I can't get over you telling him that it's fine because he can just sit in a villa and work while the rest of relax and enjoy yourselves.

You sound so selfish. Well he can sit inside and work while you have a lovely time in the sun. Wow.

Go by yourself?
I dont mean that in a flippant way but my DH is self employed and I get 7 weeks + Bh + 5 days unpaid ( if I want it) leave.
In normal times I book flights and go some where by myself. I usually have a 2 week holiday with a friend. Dh and I have several long weekends away.
When the kids were young I took them by myself ( from the age of 4) From the age of about 8 I would usually take them skiing so it was easier to manage or go camping in France when the weather was virtually guaranteed to be great.

Jesus I feel so sorry for your husband being married to you. He's the sole earner, he's worried about business and potentially losing income, maybe having to fire people, and all you're concerned about is that you've had no holiday. YOU DON'T FUCKING WORK. What do you need a holiday from, the garden?! People are dying, losing jobs, losing their homes, but poor you not getting to sunbathe by a pool or on a beach.

Get some perspective and apologise to your husband. Or maybe get a job, then you'll have something you'll actually need a holiday from. You have a good life and have been very lucky, it's time you started realising it. Not everyone else has been so lucky.

Just a thought too, how are you going to cope if he loses money? Or loses the business? You'll have to work then, the kids probably can't stay in private school, you may lose your house, other luxuries? You still worried about a holiday? You're in for a big reality check if he's struggling more than you think.

Wow. Entitled much?
Get off your arse and work for your own money. Or just be grateful you have a DP that supports you to stay at home whilst working his arse off for his family. Your DP has made his feelings over a holiday abroad very clear - listen to him, he is definitely not the unreasonable one here.

I appreciate that this is a first world problem, it doesn't mean I am thoughtless about the situation with Covid and peoples lives.

The thing is DH is always worried about work, it's always on his head. Every year we have the same discussion he never wants to go away, I find it so frustrating how it influences our lives so much. We have discussions about him changing jobs but he doubt think he can go back to working for someone else but at times he is so stressed. It might be good for him to leave it alone and go away. His business partner doesn't worry, he just drops everything for a month and goes away with little notice. The business has got though the hardest time And they have been ok, they have been quite busy but DH did take a small pay cut.

I am not spoiled, I am actually at uni training and hope to be back to work next year, partly to ease the pressure off DH.

I do think you are being selfish. His work is more important than your holidays, and it wouldn't be fair for him to be stressed the whole time or have to work while there!

Nothing in your last post makes you sound any less selfish.

He doesn’t like holidays but does two holidays a year with you including a pretty big one that was planned this year. Therefore he compromises every year. This year he has asked you to change plans for one year in the middle of a global crisis and your sulking?

You are having a holiday. So it is a question of a second one, and I think you could manage without it.

Try and explain it however you want, you're still entitled and spoilt. Stop asking for a holiday and accept it's not happening.

You mentioned your children are at private school - if you send them to state school you will a) have shorter holidays b) more money c) more disposable cash for holidays d) less pressure for DH.

It would probably solve a lot of your (first world) problems.

There is absolutely no reason to be so rude, I am
None of the things I am being accused of thanks.

I am very supportive of my DH and the stress and limitations of having your own business puts on us as a family. I get so frustrated at the effect it has on our family though, we have discussed him just getting a job elsewhere.

If you read my OP you will see I am studying, I am going back into work, I worked until two years ago actually and have had a career change. I hope to be earning by September next year.

Holidays are important to me, I enjoy planning them, saving for them and really enjoy them. So shoot me!

YABU. You can have a holiday when you’re back at work. Being self employed is a constant battle between trying to have some downtime and knowing that if you do take time off you could lose work and money. If he’s the sole earner he gets to call the shots on luxuries like holidays.

Your poor DH. He’s trying to keep his business afloat in an unprecedented economic crisis. His wife doesn’t work but feels entitled to two foreign holidays a year and kids at private school. Uni is NOT working and earning! Some 45,000 people are dead in a pandemic but that seems to have completely escaped your notice. He must feel burdened and stressed from the pressure on him from you.

I don’t know the dynamics of other people’s marriages but I’d say you are in an extremely privileged position. Most people aren’t having foreign holidays this year. Suck it up.

You can try and justify it as much as you like but you still sound like a spoilt little madam.

The thing is DH is always worried about work, it's always on his head. Every year we have the same discussion he never wants to go away, I find it so frustrating how it influences our lives so much.

That’s irrelevant, OP. This year is unprecedented and wholly different from any other year. This year will see—and already has seen—the collapse of so many businesses and it makes sense your DH doesn’t want his to be one of them.

We have discussions about him changing jobs

You shouldn’t push him to try and change jobs just because you don’t like that he’s self employed and it messes with your holidays.

It might be good for him to leave it alone and go away.

He doesn’t think so, and he’d likely spend the whole holiday stressed and worried, which would totally ruin it for him. But of course you’d get your holiday then so what would that matter

His business partner doesn't worry, he just drops everything for a month and goes away with little notice.

Again, irrelevant. Your DH and his business partner are two different people; you’re not married to the partner.

The business has got though the hardest time And they have been ok, they have been quite busy but DH did take a small pay cut.

I don’t think you quite understand the magnitude of the suffering economy, collapse of businesses all over and subsequent recession. Nothing is safe right now, and the fact that your DH has already taken a pay cut in the past suggests this is something they will most certainly struggle through.

I am not spoiled, I am actually at uni training and hope to be back to work next year, partly to ease the pressure off DH.

Being at uni doesn’t stop you being spoiled. You are acting spoiled and selfish in this situation. You’re putting your desire for a holiday over your DH’s business and his feelings of stress and worry.

No, I wouldn't press for this. Not this year. YABU sorry!

Holidays are important to me, I enjoy planning them, saving for them and really enjoy them. So shoot me

Yes, we get that but you aren't earning any money to save for them and your dh knows what is important is keeping the business afloat and people in work.

Holidays are important to lots of people. That isn’t an excuse to be selfish and push someone who is worried about his job to go away though.

I have had three holidays cancelled this year (one overseas two caravan breaks) it’s rubbish but we are healthy and can go away another time. My MIL lives abroad and we don’t know when we will next be safe to get to visit her which is shit but again these things happen.

You come across as being completely absorbed in your own little bubble and unaware of the issues your husband is facing let alone the rest of the world.

Holidays are important to me, I enjoy planning them, saving for them and really enjoy them. So shoot me

You're being so petulant and immature about this OP.

He's been clear, fair and honest.

You are being selfish, entitled and unfair.

That's what people are trying to explain and I'm not sure why you posted asking for thoughts if you're so sure you are in the right?

Being self employed is hugely stressful, now more than in recent memory due to everything going on. And on top of all that stress you're not only pushing him for something he has very fairly and honestly told you would be too much pressure both financially and as regards staff relations, you're telling disregarding those valid concerns and saying well I want to go away so we will just go and you can work while we all have a nice time...!

Have you tried to put yourself in his shoes? Like really tried?

Imagine the family relying only on you financially, the uncertainty of cashflow at the moment and the pressure to keep staff happy and motivated and productive. Do you still think you're being fair?

If you like your holidays so much and he doesnt, divorce him. Find someone else to pay for your holidays, or better yet pay for them yourself. I don't see why he should change to accommodate you when you are refusing to for him.