Personal trainer grumpy with me

[Gingertea2020]

This is hard to explain, you really had to be in the room.

I am friends with a Mum through mother’s group and as a personal trainer. She is a really lovely person, super dedicated to fitness and motivated.

I am overweight single mum, struggling to get used to raising my 3 year old, recently seperated.

My PT friend has coached me for $$. I would purchase a package. For personal Reasons I wouldn’t always use all the sessions. She became frustrated and one time she said to me if I wasn’t getting results it was my own fault and I wasn’t being tough enough on myself.

Tonight she came over as I feel I’ve stopped and started with fitness and lost the plot With diet and fitness. She came over, listened And stared through. It was obvious she wasn’t listening/sympathising and thought my childcare/emotional/anxiety issues were just excuses And seemed to have resting bitch face/stare through me. She said, “you’ve got the plan and the diet what are you going to do about it ?”. I could tell she was frustrated and judging me and felt like crying as really just wanted warmth and support. Politely said I needed to get dinner started and that I’d let her go as she seemed tired - I was gentle about it but it was obvious I was lying and trying not to crt. She accused me of kicking her out And said I was making her the bad guy. I said she’d done nothing wrong but that I didn’t want to get upset infront of my child and could tell she was tired/dealing with her own stuff.

She is right that I’ve been a quitter but I’ve also been struggling on my own without a whole lot of support or childcare during Covid.

I sometimes feel as though she doesn’t really like me or respect me. There are a few reasons for this - mainly because she runs hot and cold and just seems fed up with me.
I want to be more motivated and bubbly but I’m struggling, have gone through depression and anxiety after leaving a traumatic relationship and trying my best.

I feel really misunderstood and judged. Also feel like the standards of other mums are hard to meet and I’m failing/not functioning on my own.

This is a service you pay for. If you aren’t happy then change to someone who helps you, motivates you and inspires you.

She doesn't really sound like much of a friend. You're much better off without her in your life. I'm sorry everything's been so shit for you recently

i think the problem here is that you know her as two different people: mum friend and as your personal trainer. but she isn't, she's 1 person.

do you think the p/t relationship soured the friendship or was it mixed from the start?

Wow she was rude. Your friends should make you feel good about yourself. Your personal trainer should motivate you. It sounds like she’s a shit friend and an even worse trainer. Don’t waste any more energy on her.

Sorry but I think you are being a little unreasonable.

Her frustration is understandable - you have asked for her help on more than one occasion, missed PT sessions (even though you have paid, that really is wasting her time) continued to complain and then get upset when she is clear that you have the tools to change if you wanted to?

Sorry but I feel for your friend in this situation

Was she trying to do the tough love thing?

There is a PT local to me and his motto is Excuses or Results, you can't have both and he is known for not being sympathetic with excuses as at the end of the day you won't get the results you want if you don't try.

BUT people book in with him knowing that and that is why they choose him, because they know he is no nonsense.

It sounds like you have been railroaded into a fitness program that you dont really want. Just stop paying her and tell her you arent interested.

(((HUG)))

She's no friend & she's a crap PT

Trya different PT (& one that's not going to rip you off re 'sessions' either). Have an ask around, book a session with a couple & find one YOU gel with. They're not all created equal!!

Lockdown has been tough on a lot of people and generally not great for many people struggling with weight& MH.

Don't let her drag you down, ignore her & move forward 🌷

As a personal trainer she isn't a counsellor, thought. Her role is helping you to achieve your fitness goals through training and diet. The reasons why you haven't stuck to it aren't in her zone.

What advice can she give you other than 'do the exercises, follow the diet'?

@CoffeeQueenMum think that’s a good point. I knew her through a mother’s group and we had mutual friends. She was probably a personal trainer first and foremost. It’s a small town though so lines are a little more blurred. She encouraged me to call her for chats and message her about my life and problems as part of working on my mindset. Trusted her a lot and Confided in her. Having said all this, she never invited me to kids parties or social things. Never really added up that she acted as though I was this ‘super amazing’ person. Whenever I confided about my insecurities moving to our town, fitting in, Mum cliques and Fit Mums judging me, she would tell me it was my negativity and my issues and judgment, but yet she never really went out of her way to be social. I guess we had mutual friends and we’re acquaintances at end of day.

I’ll be honest she’s right. As a starter stopper too you only get as much out as you put in and you will always find an excuse not to do it. If you aren’t commited and don’t want to do it don’t bother, but you’re wasting her time and your money at present. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds like that’s her style, and it’s not a style that works for you.
Neither of you is wrong.

Reading the follow, it sounds like you did blur the lines in your mind between friendship and paid service. Sure, a PT can care about you... but you’re not their friend. It’s like falling for your therapist! Inviting you to parties would have been way beyond her remit.
If you want a PT still, look for a different style - but remember that they’re coaches not friends, and look elsewhere for friendship.

She sounds like a shit personal trainer. If you value your clients, you have already had a discussion prior to the pt relationship about what makes you motivated, do you need a strict trainer, who will challenge and lean on you, or are you someone who needs reassurance and encouragement. If you think your role as a trainer is printing off a meal plan and exercise plan and not working ‘with’ your client, and continually assessing how to best help your client get the results you want, then you are a crap pt.
You do need to have a bit of a think about what you do want, though, and how you can get to that point. Life happens, and there is no point paying out cash for sessions you can’t commit to. That will just make you feel worse.
Look for other routes to achieve what you want. Search out activities you can do with the 3yo, classes that run while the 3yo is in free nursery hours. Look for other mums to take long walks with. Home workouts once dc is in bed. Build up your support network.
Save your money and your friendship and just let her know that it’s not the right time for you to employ a pt right now.

It's bloody hard doing personal training with a 3 year old and relationship issues.

Stop doing it. It's not the right time for you. If you can get some time to do exercise and can afford reasonable trainers, I thoroughly recommend Couch to 5k, either the NHS version or any of the other 500 versions that you like. It's a really good programme, it's time-efficient, it really works if you do it and it's pleasantly impersonal.

I'd never say don't do exercise or fitness. But personal training is very hard and in your face - thats why people pay for it. If it's not for you it's not a judgement. I think about it sometimes but it's not for me yet either.

Get yourself a new trainer op. This ones tough love style clearly won’t work for you - they’ll be one out there who will find and work with you and motivate you. Don’t give this pt any more of your time effort and money.

@Lougle

Well, no, but as a PT she should be motivated to crack the psychology of OP achieving her goals too.

My PT has come to understand that I only have so much to give. I have hobbies, a career, friends, travel and emotions that all need as much attention as my diet and exercise do. If he didn't respect that, he'd be a crap PT.

BECAUSE he respected that, and accepted my workarounds to diet and exercise when I couldn't give 100%, I have lost and maintained a loss of over six stone over a couple of years now.

I gained weight because of life and emotions etc. I lost it by making them a priority, but they can't be the ONLY priority. (and speaking from what I've observed, the ones who go in 100% for the quick loss tend to pile it back on when they reach goal weight and quit the programme, whereas I've achieved a sustained lifestyle change)

She sounds shit. A personal trainer should make you feel positive and motivated, and yes they hold you accountable, but not by making you feel like shit.
I would never pay her again, and look for a PT who is also a coach - someone who will help you in a holistic way.

Excuses or Results, you can't have both and he is known for not being sympathetic with excuses as at the end of the day you won't get the results you want if you don't try

Mines the same. It's why I like him.

He's not there to listen to my problems and provide emotional support, he's there to kick my arse and get me fit and body strong. If I have problems that I feel stand in the way of that then I know where he is when I'm ready again.

It does sound as if you need someone to talk to OP, but she isn't the person. She's providing a service that's all.

To put it another way, you'd think a teacher who could only teach extroverted children or bright children was pretty poor at their job. And they have to deal with 30 at a time!

For a 121 service, a trainer has to either adapt to the client, or admit that they're of limited value themselves. There are so many ways to lose weight - the unique service she's offering is helping YOU lose weight, dealing with YOUR life circumstances.

Not providing the same service to everyone.

It sounds like it really doesn't gel for you and her style is too abrasive.

Try a different personal trainer, until you find one that is right for you.

Sorry just to explain....

1. She asked me to message her about my problems. She said this during a personal training session because she wanted me to get out of my head. I was doing what she asked and I also queried her on this As I was concerned she would feel burdened.

1. She invited me to a couple of social things. We were friendly at mothers group. We have mutual friends. It’s a small town and very relaxed and warm and friendly. I didn’t expect we would be friends but at the same time it was awkward. Lots of her friends and mine do group classes with her. She’s a really lovely person and friendly for the most part. I think she just got frustrated with me.

1. I quit because it was a lot of pressure. On one occasion she didn’t listen to me about shin splints and my neck hurting doing a dead lift in a way that I felt was hurting me. I also had low iron and health issues that were making my legs weak. There are excuses but these weren’t excuses and it felt like my real concerns weren’t listened to. I took a break after that to get my health together and cos I wondered if she was the best fit.

The second time I went back because I do like her as a person. I really enjoyed it but I felt like she didn’t want to be there - just didn’t seem very uplifting. She replied to me when I asked her how I could improve my fitness and mindset and said I needed to stop pigeon holding people, comparing myself to people, thinking I had people figured out, and more stuff, probably all true but Made me wonder if she even liked me as a person. I tried to not take it personally but it upset me and I kind of felt like she didn’t like me or respect me. Felt like confiding in her As she’d asked me to, sort of backfired.

honestly this would annoy me she's putting the work into making you plans and your not. If your not in the right space to dedicate to her way of getting results you should stop.

I can't deal with criers and people who make excuses it's not how I go about life and can't understand people who don't like things about themselves of their lives but don't change it.

Having said that I understand that sometimes I can be too harsh and practical so I tend to avoid people who need a lot of sympathy since I know I'm not the people to give it maybe you need to not look for it from this friend.

Hmm tricky. It doesn't sound like you were ever close friends, more that you hired her as a PT and became friendly.

She may have thought you were inviting her round in her PT capacity, whereas you wanted to talk about other things. From a PT perspective she's right, you've got the plan and diet, if you don't follow them she can't do anything about that.

PTs are generally quite "tough love". They're not counsellors. It seems like you've both gotten your roles a bit muddled here. You wanted something different to what she was able to provide.

I don't think it's healthy to have someone like this in your life.

Yes it's important to eat healthily and exercise but she needs to encourage with kindness this isn't the time for tough love.

Sounds very callous of her to see you upset and then be confrontational.

I would tell her this isn't the right time for you and join a supportive exercise group.

I would stop confiding in her.

I would text her and say having reflected on her comments you realise that it’s better that you don’t continue with her personal training as she could then get a more committed client instead.

I think you have been rollercoastered into her clientele, she’s kind of done a recruiting job/love bombing on you so you pay her so she can get all the gossip about you to use against you.

She’s not your friend.