Personal trainer grumpy with me

[Gingertea2020]

This is hard to explain, you really had to be in the room.

I am friends with a Mum through mother’s group and as a personal trainer. She is a really lovely person, super dedicated to fitness and motivated.

I am overweight single mum, struggling to get used to raising my 3 year old, recently seperated.

My PT friend has coached me for $$. I would purchase a package. For personal Reasons I wouldn’t always use all the sessions. She became frustrated and one time she said to me if I wasn’t getting results it was my own fault and I wasn’t being tough enough on myself.

Tonight she came over as I feel I’ve stopped and started with fitness and lost the plot With diet and fitness. She came over, listened And stared through. It was obvious she wasn’t listening/sympathising and thought my childcare/emotional/anxiety issues were just excuses And seemed to have resting bitch face/stare through me. She said, “you’ve got the plan and the diet what are you going to do about it ?”. I could tell she was frustrated and judging me and felt like crying as really just wanted warmth and support. Politely said I needed to get dinner started and that I’d let her go as she seemed tired - I was gentle about it but it was obvious I was lying and trying not to crt. She accused me of kicking her out And said I was making her the bad guy. I said she’d done nothing wrong but that I didn’t want to get upset infront of my child and could tell she was tired/dealing with her own stuff.

She is right that I’ve been a quitter but I’ve also been struggling on my own without a whole lot of support or childcare during Covid.

I sometimes feel as though she doesn’t really like me or respect me. There are a few reasons for this - mainly because she runs hot and cold and just seems fed up with me.
I want to be more motivated and bubbly but I’m struggling, have gone through depression and anxiety after leaving a traumatic relationship and trying my best.

I feel really misunderstood and judged. Also feel like the standards of other mums are hard to meet and I’m failing/not functioning on my own.

I’m sorry you are upset.
It sounds like she might be frustrated at the lack of commitment from you, and the blurred professional/ friend boundaries means she’s expressed that.

I can see both sides of the argument because I have a friend who constantly quits diets/ exercise with flimsy excuses and then expects endless sympathy while

Reading this out loud to my brother whose wife is aPT, he said “ you are clearly mixing in the wrong circles if she makes you feel bad. “
Cutting down on food and exercise on your own , like cycling and walking fast can really get you in trim for free!
Competition with other women is a battle that makes no one happy.

Posted too soon.

She moans about her weight while eating chocolate and drinking wine.
I’m not saying that’s you, but constant excuses why you can’t do something are frustrating.

Definitely a different PT when you are ready to fully commit sounds like a plan!x

By the way, the reason why she's acting harsh towards you are probably:

• she generally believes in "tough love", and doesn't know any other motivational technique
• she's frustrated she's not getting the results she expects from you
• she's out of her depth
• she's blaming you for it

Toxic relationship. Someone like her is absolutely not equipped to deal with someone suffering from depression. Run! And find a good therapist.

I think the small town lifestyle is the problem here. If her other clients are from the town they will probably have been more cautious when invited to confide.
You talked about cliques and difficulty settling in to her town and I think she might be taking it personally.
She's a PT not a counselor and shouldn't really be offering counselling services with no qualifications or supervisor.
I'd redirect your money and time to a professional counselor, even if it's online. It's a lot easier to prioritise diet and exercise if you feel at peace with yourself.
Take care

Never had a PT, but I would choose someone who inspired me and made me feel excited by it all (an unlikely scenario 😂).

If I were in this situation, I would tell her that you think it's not the best fit for you although you've really appreciated her efforts. Then get a new one after a good look for someone who fits your needs

Oh and you don't need a trainer, as a pp said, just do stuff you enjoy - try out some games that involve running about. Cut down your portions and do things you love - I find when I'm drawing or painting in the evenings I forget all about food and drink and it's so good for me! Look at when you were a child: what did you love? Try it out again. And I'm a single parent who left an abusive relationship too - it takes a while to adjust, but you will be happier again

I would definitely stop training with her, it clearly isn’t working for you and as you are the one paying, that is what counts. It’s fine if she is a ‘tough, no excuses’ type PT, that is exactly what some people want, but she shouldn’t be inviting you to talk to her about what is going on emotionally in relation to mindset around diet and fitness when she clearly isn’t willing/able to provide the support that you would naturally expect..putting all the blame on you for the things you are (understandably) struggling with is not a constructive way to coach people! I agree with thecatsthecats - what puts a PT above and beyond average is the ability to tailor their approach to motivate and support different types of client and it really doesn’t sound like she can do this. And you should never be in actual pain doing an exercise, especially things like deadlifts

I also had low iron and health issues that were making my legs weak
Then you shouldn't even have had the session in the first place.

Either you are fully committed or you have genuine issues that mean now is not the right time for you. Fleeting in between is wasting both of your time.

Sounds like PT is putting in all the work to help you get fit and loose weight and you arent even meeting her half way. You are wasting her time.

@ForgotAboutThis
She sounds shit. A personal trainer should make you feel positive and motivated, and yes they hold you accountable, but not by making you feel like shit
I would never pay her again, and look for a PT who is also a coach - someone who will help you in a holistic way

^ this

This woman sounds totally unprofessional and totally over invested in your personal life. It's up to you if you are paying for a service that you sometimes decide you don't want to participate in. She isn't missing out if she is compensated, which she has been. I sometimes miss PT sessions due to work commitments, my PT doesn't utter a word of judgement. I am paying him, therefore, he has to suck it up.

@LunaLula83
Sounds like PT is putting in all the work to help you get fit and loose weight and you arent even meeting her half way. You are wasting her time

Don't be daft. She is a PT. She runs a business and is not a friend who has been let down on a social commitment. The PT is compensated as still receives payment if the OP doesn't attend sessions.

But she’s right, if you’re not sticking to it then what can she do... come round and smack food out of your hands ?
Do as she says and your see results. Keep
Quitting and you won’t.

dont mix business and pleasure never works

you need someone you dont see socialy

@LunaLuna83
You are wasting her time.
What an odd thing to say about a paying customer. Do you understand commercial relationships?
Of course the service provider is meant to put in all her work. That's what she's gets paid for.
And if she provides a bad service, causing her customer to be dissatisfied, she deserves to be sacked.

Framing things any other way sounds rather bizarre.
Do you routinely pay people to throw insults at you?

you're not putting enough effort in for various reasons which she sees as "excuses"

You may have reasons for not putting in the effort, but you won't see any results. I think your PT was trying to get you to see that. Having a PT is not a magic wand: all they do is kick your arse, when you won't/can't/don't do it for yourself.

I freely admit to my PT that I don't have the self-discipline to work myself as hard as he works me. That's why I pay him. But I turn up every week, and do the work. And count the calories.

Get rid of her and get a better trainer. It's not their job to make you feel like shit, they are supposed to motivate and encourage. Paying to be insulted is just weird.

I’ve been through a few personal trainers in my time (ahem). They fall into different camps, the sergeant major, “you will do what I say without question, physical fitness is the only goal”, and the ones who want you to be the best you do take you as a whole into account, they act more like a psychologist. Different types suit different people,I hate people telling me what to do so the latter rather than former type suits me. Of course there are also the ones who want to be paid to stand in the gym chatting up sweaty 19 year olds wearing tight and minimal Lycra.

What an odd thing to say about a paying customer. Do you understand commercial relationships?
So if you hire someone to paint your house but when he comes, you say that you couldn't move the furniture and go on about why that was. Then you agree about a way for you to move it but when he comes ready again to paint the walls, the furniture is still there and you go on again about the reasons why you couldn't move it, it wouldn't be wasting his time because you pay him and he should be happy for it?

I think that she is irresponsible and unprofessional for encouraging you to confide in her outside your sessions. If she had even the most basic counselling qualification she would know that it is a risky and unsafe thing to do, both for her and for you. As for her motivational pep talk...

She strikes me as one of the types who is best friends to everyone because they want to maximise their client base, but will drop people instantly if it doesn’t work out. Social media is full of them.

Buy a cross-trainer and put on some nice music instead.

If you want a personal trainer then get a person that you don't know as a friend.
Some sort of dynamic developed between you two.
At first she said 'Tell Strong Mummy all your problems'. Then later she said 'Fuck Off I'm not your Mummy stop telling me your problems'.
At the same time, you invited her over to your house but I don't understand why no actual exercise took place?
She's not a Life Coach she does Fitness.
If you want to get Fit then do the Fitness stuff. If you need emotional support, you won't get that from a personal trainer.

not sure what the point of having a personal trainer is if you arent going to do any of the stuff she prescribes. Its the whole point of a PT is for them to push you hard. She probably is a personal trainer because she wants results, and you want a friend and therapist instead. Youd be better off having a pay as you go gym membership and doing this at your own pace or just accepting your body the way it is if you dont have the time for it right now.

It sounds like you're suffering with small-town-itis and have blurred the boundary between friend and PT.

For example, if you've disclosed from the start that you've got health issues and low iron and these cause weak legs, then a PT should plan around that and design exercises accordingly.
However if you're someone who is quick to have an excuse every session why certain exercises hurt, why you can't do the reps, why you want an easy day today because you're tired then part of being a PT is getting a client past that to just get on with it. If you're full of excuses it may well be hard for a PT to establish what's an actual health issue and what's more excuses.

Equally, when anyone pays a PT they aren't paying for therapy or a friend. They're paying someone to help them reach their goals and to give them the tools to do it. Part of being a PT is getting to know your client in so far as setting realistic sessions and expectations, finding out a bit about motivations (eg general fitness, to slim down, to train for an event, to bulk up etc), but that doesn't mean they're a shoulder to cry on.

If a PT puts a plan in place and their client is always full of excuses then I can see why they may eventually point out that the only person who can change the situation is the client. Otherwise it's like listening to a permanently dieting friend complaining about their size whilst you know they're having take away twice a week and eating half a pack of biscuits a day.

You keep repeating how lovely this woman is, but she sounds like a cow and a crap PT. Sack her off as both but as it’s a small town, so it nicely and say hello when you bump into her.

The reason you got landed with her in the first place and then stuck with her even though your first instinct was to bin her, is that you you have low self esteem and and don’t trust yourself.

Spend the money on counselling, find yourself and learn to asset yourself. You may even find that your need to over eat lessens as you find healthier ways to manage stress, anxiety and everyday situations.