Personal trainer grumpy with me

[Gingertea2020]

This is hard to explain, you really had to be in the room.

I am friends with a Mum through mother’s group and as a personal trainer. She is a really lovely person, super dedicated to fitness and motivated.

I am overweight single mum, struggling to get used to raising my 3 year old, recently seperated.

My PT friend has coached me for $$. I would purchase a package. For personal Reasons I wouldn’t always use all the sessions. She became frustrated and one time she said to me if I wasn’t getting results it was my own fault and I wasn’t being tough enough on myself.

Tonight she came over as I feel I’ve stopped and started with fitness and lost the plot With diet and fitness. She came over, listened And stared through. It was obvious she wasn’t listening/sympathising and thought my childcare/emotional/anxiety issues were just excuses And seemed to have resting bitch face/stare through me. She said, “you’ve got the plan and the diet what are you going to do about it ?”. I could tell she was frustrated and judging me and felt like crying as really just wanted warmth and support. Politely said I needed to get dinner started and that I’d let her go as she seemed tired - I was gentle about it but it was obvious I was lying and trying not to crt. She accused me of kicking her out And said I was making her the bad guy. I said she’d done nothing wrong but that I didn’t want to get upset infront of my child and could tell she was tired/dealing with her own stuff.

She is right that I’ve been a quitter but I’ve also been struggling on my own without a whole lot of support or childcare during Covid.

I sometimes feel as though she doesn’t really like me or respect me. There are a few reasons for this - mainly because she runs hot and cold and just seems fed up with me.
I want to be more motivated and bubbly but I’m struggling, have gone through depression and anxiety after leaving a traumatic relationship and trying my best.

I feel really misunderstood and judged. Also feel like the standards of other mums are hard to meet and I’m failing/not functioning on my own.

Jib her off as a PT and as a 'Friend' she doesn't sound good as either!

You want a PT who can hear what you have to say about your lifestyle and help you to find ways of adapting around that. Not one of these who just prints off the same diet and exercise routine for every client.

I will say though, I don't think a PT is for you. It's OK to have all these things issues and accept yourself the way you are OP.

Either have a friend or a trainer. You can't combine the 2 in one.

We are human beings not a lot of separate bits. if you are struggling, you are struggling and no amount of salad and pressups will change that.

@randomer @fatted thanks this means so much. We have mutual friends so she knows I left a physically abusive relationship. It’s been a really tough time mentally and emotionally. My first priority has been my son and getting on my feet. At the end of the day she was paid for her time even if I couldn’t commit.

PT is a service you pay for - if you don't like the service she offers then ditch her and find someone else. Small town or not - business is business.

I feel for you OP. Everyone's having a hard time and a few kind words cost nothing and can mean so much. I think you are doing the best you can through difficult circumstances and don't let anyone get you down. You will get to where you want to be, who cares if it takes a little longer and there are a few bumps along the way?

It sounds as though you're relating to her as a friend but she's relating to you as a client first. Talking about mindset is something that personal trainer's do but they're not counsellors. They talk about mindset so they can help you change it to a more motivated one not so they can sympathise about the problems and difficulties you have.
If you're struggling then it might be worth seeking out counselling before you go back to the personal trainer.

Tbh I would never use a friend as a PT as it's a recipe for trouble.

Personal trainers are supposed to be 'tough' on you from my experience and muddying that with also being friends with your client means the PT will end up frustrated as she won't be able to hold you as accountable as she might others and you will not get as much out of it (I would find it hard to follow a friends instruction as easily as a stranger)

She was a bit rude but she isn't wrong, if you're not seeing results it's most likely down to not putting effort in when not doing sessions, you need to eat properly and do your own exercise

Sounds like she's a tough style personal trainer. She doesn't like excuses and wants you to stop cancelling training sessions. She knows your weight is getting you down but feels that by moaning and not excerising/sticking to meal plan, you're sabotaging yourself. Perhaps you should change p trainer? Try and find one that's not your friend, but cheerful.

I can understand where she’s coming from. You did sign up for these sessions and it’s her job to improve your health and fitness. It’s frustrating to work with people who aren’t committed or for whom it’s not important or a priority. She’s not a counsellor and it sounds like that’s what you really need. Ditch the PT and pay for a counsellor.

I wonder if you were thinking along the lines of.......if I lose weight and get fit, I'll have a better life. It's not an unreasonable thought and one that is peddled 24/7.

Perhaps some therapy might be a better option right now?

My PT is tough with me, and tells me to keep going and really pushes me. His mottos are "Sweat is fat crying" and "You can't out-train a bad diet". He's quite matter-of-fact about that.

In today's training session I was slowing down on about my 150th burpee (I actually did 200 across the session) and he reminded me "You always say when you finish that you wished you'd worked harder."

As a PT, what your friend said to you was straightforward and pretty good questions really. You won't get super-fit or lose weight if you don't put the effort in. And it is hard.

But if you see her mostly as a friend, then you want something different from her.

What do you want - a friend who will say what you want to hear? or a trainer who will be honest and straightforward with you and help you reach your goals? Sometimes with tough love ...

The second time I went back because I do like her as a person
I think you're confusing her professional friendliness for friendship between you as people. There's a difference, but it's hard to explain if you've not been in a job where you have to motivate and teach people to do something difficult.

You are setting hopes for this relationship as a friendship, whereas she is behaving as a professional trainer - trying to find out what your stresses are, but also challenging you.

She doesn’t seem much of a friend. At all.

You are wasting your time by not showing up. She wants to whip you in shape and obvs don't. Stop with the pt sessions

I think that motivation for exercise for someone with depression is quite different to motivation for someone without and your PT may not get this. I would suggest that you go and have a chat with your GP about how you feel down and about your weight and ask them to prescribe you exercise on referral. The trainers there are all qualified to a higher level than an ordinary PT and you are likely to be in a group with other people who find exercise that bit harder - some go for depression, others for diabetes/heart disease, some for rehab after an injury etc. You may well find that the class is much more supportive than normal. I found it really helpful when I had a 3 year old and PND.

If you’re not a good fit, then end the personal training! You can either find another personal trainer or find something else that works for you - group classes, lifestyle changes etc! You’ll soon find out if she’s a friend or just friendly!

I have one sentence for you: Sack her off, you will feel so much better 💜

"""said I needed to stop pigeon holding people, comparing myself to people, thinking I had people figured out, and more stuff, probably all true but Made me wonder if she even liked me as a person. I tried to not take it personally but it upset me and I kind of felt like she didn’t like me or respect me. Felt like confiding in her As she’d asked me to, sort of backfired.""

OMG! if this was a work colleague would you put up wth it? And she's got you conned into trying not to take these very personal comments personally. ie there's something wrong with you.
Youve just left an abusive relationship and are trying to get to grips with a major life change whilst caring for a 3 year old and embarking on single parenting - has she no empathy at all?
The last thing you need is another abusive relationship with this drill sergeant.
She ignored you when exercises were causing you actual pain. She became argumentative when you politely told her you were tired and asked her to leave. If a "friend" or relative treated you like that, would you put up with it?
Bin the Patronising woman, I suspect as other pps have said she emotionally pressured you into taking these paid lessons anyway.
Firstly be kind to yourself. You didn't put on the weight overnight and it will take some time to lose it, so don't feel guilty or bad about it. Its a step by step process and you can start today building on it.
Put yourself and your little one first. Make a committment to finding some healthy but nutritious food, and start off with a 30 min walk each day, do some classes that are FUN and not competitive. Take your little one walking and swimming and do some dancing, anything you enjoy.
Stay away from people who make you feel awful and find some ways of treating yourself. Plan some nice things for yourself within your budget. The other day I saw a woman cycling with her little one on a smaller cycle attachment and really wished I'd had one when mine were young. It would be a great way to get fit. Getting fit and healthy should be fun, not punishment.
When you have sorted out your life and got yourself into a better place, then you can find a NICE personal trainer. Most gyms willl give you an exercise programme to start off and are around for you to ask questions and that is a great way to build up. What they shouldn't do is stand over you bullying and psychoanalysing you.

There is nothing wrong with you, you can do this, but it shouldn't be a misery, you are free now. Best of luck

I agree with a pp ,she’s either a friend or a trainer that you pay she can’t be both . I also disagree with the poster who said she’s allowed to be cross because she’s putting the effort in to make the plans and then you don’t bother - that’s what you are paying her to do , it’s your money you are wasting she gets paid whether you run round and lose 2lbs or you don’t . It really doesn’t sound like you are currently in the right place mentally to bother with a PT , stop comparing yourself with other people that will never help .

It sounds as though you're relating to her as a friend but she's relating to you as a client first.

This - puts it much better than I did.

She sounds like a shit trainer and a shit friend. You need counselling, no a personal trainer. Your relationship with her sounds both financially and emotionally abusive.

I was a PT until I had my DS, and I had the same thing with one of my clients. Needed to lose a lot of weight for health reason, but no matter what I did, she cancelled a lot, lots of excuses. It was really frustrating. (I was never rude or horrible though! I was prob all too soft to her if anything). Sometimes as a "health industry" person, you can get frustrated when you have the answers for someone, but they have to have that lightbulb moment for themselves to be like yes, I want to lose weight!!!

It's not a good match anyway, and mixing business with pleasure clearly isn't working here.

Separately, though, if you look for another PT, I think it makes sense to clarify exactly what you want from them from the beginning - if it's just ad hoc training support when you have the time/feel up to it, that's very different from the mindset and motivation of many PT clients who are paying $$$ and want a complete lifestyle overhaul. I'm not saying either mindset is wrong - everyone's different and it's your money - but the fact that she felt you weren't motivated and you felt she was unsympathetic suggests mismatched expectations of her role in your physical wellbeing.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff You are so wise and lovely. I have been so upset over this and Thankyou so much. It means a lot and your words are both practical and empathetic

Thanks everyone for taking the time to advise. I’m going to bump into her around town but keep it friendly and act as nothing happened. We can agree to disagree.

Will persevere with my weight loss goals. Find something that heals my soul also.

What I’ve learned from this experience is to trust my instincts about people. She was really lovely but there was always a part of me that felt judged by her.

Appreciate it x

I think this simply isn't working. She isn't the right personal trainer for you. Some personal trainers are hard on their clients and get results through a no excuses mantra.
I can see both points of view here actually. She's putting in effort to prepare plans and you're not putting enough effort in for various reasons which she sees as "excuses". You want someone to motivate you and someone to understand why you are not able to stick the plans.
I play music to a very high level and have had various teachers over the years - absolutely none of them would accept any kind of excuses for not practising. In fact, some ended lessons with other students because the students were not making enough effort. Those people are better suited to a different kind of approach. It's exactly the same as your situation.

End the PT-client relationship and see if you can find someone who might be better for you or maybe try a different approach to getting fit - classes, walking, something like that. I wonder if you've been putting too much pressure on yourself and you've had an awful lot going on recently.