Personal trainer grumpy with me

[Gingertea2020]

This is hard to explain, you really had to be in the room.

I am friends with a Mum through mother’s group and as a personal trainer. She is a really lovely person, super dedicated to fitness and motivated.

I am overweight single mum, struggling to get used to raising my 3 year old, recently seperated.

My PT friend has coached me for $$. I would purchase a package. For personal Reasons I wouldn’t always use all the sessions. She became frustrated and one time she said to me if I wasn’t getting results it was my own fault and I wasn’t being tough enough on myself.

Tonight she came over as I feel I’ve stopped and started with fitness and lost the plot With diet and fitness. She came over, listened And stared through. It was obvious she wasn’t listening/sympathising and thought my childcare/emotional/anxiety issues were just excuses And seemed to have resting bitch face/stare through me. She said, “you’ve got the plan and the diet what are you going to do about it ?”. I could tell she was frustrated and judging me and felt like crying as really just wanted warmth and support. Politely said I needed to get dinner started and that I’d let her go as she seemed tired - I was gentle about it but it was obvious I was lying and trying not to crt. She accused me of kicking her out And said I was making her the bad guy. I said she’d done nothing wrong but that I didn’t want to get upset infront of my child and could tell she was tired/dealing with her own stuff.

She is right that I’ve been a quitter but I’ve also been struggling on my own without a whole lot of support or childcare during Covid.

I sometimes feel as though she doesn’t really like me or respect me. There are a few reasons for this - mainly because she runs hot and cold and just seems fed up with me.
I want to be more motivated and bubbly but I’m struggling, have gone through depression and anxiety after leaving a traumatic relationship and trying my best.

I feel really misunderstood and judged. Also feel like the standards of other mums are hard to meet and I’m failing/not functioning on my own.

It sounds like she's fancied being a life coach as well as a PT, to go by your comments about how she's wanted you to share you problems with her, but it also sounds like she doesn't really know how to do it or cope with someone who is anything other than committed and positive.

I've used PTs and no way would I be paying to be treated like that. Sometimes there is just someone whose style doesn't suit you - I quite like someone who is going to shout at me and push me on because I'm very competitive, but even then I'd expect them to be able to understand that someone can be having a bad day. It doesn't sound like this PT really understands how to work with different types of people. I can understand the frustration of seeing someone not progressing but unless you have the sort of reputation and client base where you can pick and choose your clients, you've just got to work with what you've got!

There's a simple answer to this.

Dump her and get a new trainer, or just give the whole thing a rest until you're in a more settled, stable place.

That being said, you signed up with this trainer to TRAIN you in terms of health and fitness. Not to listen to a list of woes and excuses like a glorified social worker. That's not really in her job description.

It sounds like the frustration goes both ways, and you'll probably both be better off if you parted ways. At least for now.

OP, Your posts come across as though you are suffering from a mild depression. Unsurprising, considering what you have been through. But in that frame of mind, you need to be surrounded by very gentle, supportive people who recognise any struggles you have as genuine.
A PT isn't a therapist. They're not equipped or experienced to deal with the complex emotional reasons why it is hard to get or stay motivated. It sounds like she was way out of her depth.

She also doesn't sound very good. She really should have listened when you mentioned shin splints, and pain during a specific exercise. That is her job. If you can, just write this off as a bad experience. Maybe try a different trainer, or some classes. Are there any post-natal fitness classes locally? Or yoga? Something gentle and uplifting is what you need.

OP many if the responses aren't taking the fact you've been through MAJOR trauma into consideration here.

You cannot commit 100% because in your circumstances that's impossible. It would be hard even without a 3 year old in the mix. There's so much going on in your head and with your nervous system that it takes energy. A lot of energy. That's not a criticism it's a natural result of trauma.

Don't punish yourself with her. Give yourself a break.

You might be better right now investing the PT money into counselling (with someone experienced in traumatic relationships) and try to do some home workouts 3xper week.

Your PT asked you to context her, but she was overstepping the mark here. She was completely out of her depth in what you were saying (which is totally normal - bog standard even - for someone with your experiences btw) and because she has NO idea about how trauma impacts people, she's treating you like there's something wrong with you because you can't switch on a Positive Mental Attitude and be bubbly for her. She thinks exercise is a mind over matter issue, sees you unable to get your mind over the matter and assumes you're not trying. I can pretty much guarantee that you're putting more effort in than most of her clients, it's just that your energy bandwidth is so overloaded, only a little comes out.

She is highlighting exactly why professionals should not tell people to offload mentally on them unless they know what they're doing, including where their knowledge boundaries end. It can do far more harm than good.

I can only say she's lucky to experience the world in a way where she doesn't have a clue how you're feeling now and for the past while.

You're doing well OP, just take it easy. Treat yourself and your body like it is a cute little puppy. It needs walks, being taken care of, fresh air, food food and rest - and some fun!

*good (healthy) food

Don't have personal training sessions at the moment OP. You are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Save your money and get out for long runs instead. Do a little yoga at home if you feel like it. You'll know when you are ready to commit to more.

I agree that you just aren't a good fit. In fact, with everything you are dealing with at the moment, maybe you should go easy on yourself.

How many sessions are left on your package? Are you prepared to just bin them?

thanks @howlat really needed to hear this, what you describe with so much insight is exactly what has been my hurdle. It’s a different kind of lethargy where you feel broken + fragile.

Appreciate your wisdom + validation

YANBU. She really overstepped the mark. You were very polite in trying to get rid of her yet she ignored your boundaries.

Your PT sucks, get rid of her. And where does she get off berating you. Get rid of this fake friend.

Whatever you are spending on her, spend on a good counsellor.

A personal trainer who knows you are not sticking to their programme and hence not getting the results you say you want is not going to be the person to provide

just wanted warmth and support.

Sob to a friend.

Would give her whatever notice your contract requires. PT is super expensive, and her services are clearly not for you.

Don't put up with rude personal trainers and be careful about letting them "push you past your limits".

It's actually a good thing, to know you own limits particularly when it comes to the amount of weight you feel comfortable lifting.

I had a personal trainer who made negative comments about me not trying hard enough, he convinced me it would be for my own good and I did take his advice and push past my own comfort zone on one occasion while training, even though it hurt and I was unhappy about it.

I took on too much weight on that occasion and got a nasty injury. Took a couple of months to recover and I never went back to him and asked for a refund.

I now know my own limits and I wouldn't hire a personal trainer who was not willing to work within those.

@Gingertea2020 as others have said not all personal trainers are created equal. Some want to be friends too, others done, some want to hear about your life, others don't.

It sounds as though she doesn't feel you're trying
And isn't interested in hearing why.
Which is her choice

That said, she shouldn't encourage you to confide in her if she's going to be like that.

I think you really need to either be a friend or a client, or possibly neither.

And look for someone who can offer what you need in terms of fitness.

She asked me to message her about my problems. She said this during a personal training session because she wanted me to get out of my head. I was doing what she asked and I also queried her on this As I was concerned she would feel burdened

It sounds like she overstepped the boundaries by inviting you to discuss your problems with her. Unless she is a trained counsellor or psychotherapist she shouldn’t be wondering into that territory and if she was trained she’d know that that kind of ad hoc support is unhelpful and possibly risky. It seems to me OP that you could do with a bit of psychological support regarding your confidence and sense of worth. Perhaps it would be better to spend your PT money/time on a BACP accredited counsellor (lots working on line).

Her talk of “mindset” tells me she’s got a simplistic view of psychology of the “just think positive” variety which takes no account of the realities of life. Talk of mindset also rings Multilevel Marketing alarm bells - she’s not a Beachbody coach is she?!

@howlat I love what you have said here. I had a similar thing - lots of big plans to transform my life and my body, but also lots of stuff to process (childhood stuff, bereavements) that I wasn't addressing and that I had developed lots of dodgy coping mechanisms for that weren't working. All of that anxiety and distraction made a lot of mental and emotional noise. Plus I didn't really believe that my health was important or that I deserved nice things, which meant that I generally cancelled stuff like PT appointments and doctors' appointments if someone else needed me to do something. To cut a long story short, I stopped seeing the PT - I liked the one session a week that we did but he was becoming more and more disgruntled with my lack of progress and pretty clear that he felt that I wasn't trying hard enough/at all.

To cut a long story slightly shorter, I stopped spending money on PT and used it for therapy instead and I would say it is the best thing I have ever bought myself (but I did make sure I found someone I had a rapport with). I've spent the best part of a year working on massive changes to the way I see myself, food and exercise and even though I'm not exactly my dream after-photo, I feel a million times better than I have ever felt as an adult.

I worked as a PT for a number of years.

Firstly - I think you just aren’t very compatible, and that’s fine. You want someone kind and empathetic (which is perfectly reasonable), but her style is quite fierce (‘excuses or results’ as someone else phrased it upthread) which is also fine, but not for you.
(I would argue that a truly good PT has the capacity to work out when a client needs them to be no-nonsense strict vs when it’s time to be flexible, but that’s by the by.)

Secondly - some people on this thread are saying ‘of course she’s annoyed, she’s putting the work in and you’re not’. So? She’s in the wrong job if that’s getting to her so much she’s letting it show. That’s part of the job, it’s the reason she’s getting paid for it, it’s not an equal partnership where you should both be mutually invested in the results.

Thirdly - some people in all walks of life just don’t get what it means, pragmatically, to be a single parent or parenting through covid or whatever. They just don’t have the imagination. I run a lot but couldn’t run during lockdown and really missed it - a friend said to me ‘but you could run while the children ride their bikes’ - my youngest has just turned 2 🤨 Friend meant well but was just completely ducking clueless. Likewise, when I worked in fitness, I found loads of my colleagues just couldn’t get that our clients had other priorities in their lives - many of us really did just live that lifestyle 100% and perhaps it was easy to forget that some people work long hours in a demanding job, or were dealing with huge emotional upheaval, or had to make relatively complex arrangements just to get the childcare in place to turn up to the gym a couple of times a week. Some PTs are worth their weight in gold but sadly my experience is that many don’t really understand where their client base is coming from.

Anyway. I think you’re not in the right place to do this right now and that’s fine. Take the pressure off, tell her it’s just not working out (and don’t engage in any attempts at negotiation or apology - this is just her sodding sales pitch!!).

She really blurred the lines by saying you should tell her your problems, especially since she’s so obviously ill-equipped to deal with them. She’s not a good friend and she’s not a good PT. no need for drama, but end the professional relationship and let personal contact fall back to only the sort of ‘bumping into/mutual friends’ stuff I guess might be inevitable in a small and friendly town.

The right time for you will come, and when it does you’ll be ready and you’ll smash it.

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair This is a great post! Very sensible and understanding 👍👍👍

NB I'm not defending the cancellations - I always paid the cancellation fee and at the time I thought that was enough but I realised after I went into therapy that he was entitled to be angry even if the fee was paid because I wasn't prioritising the sessions but at the same time I was telling him that I wanted a massive transformation that I couldn't achieve if I wasn't going. And whilst he got paid for the sessions he didn't get to use them with someone who was actually able to benefit from them.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil wow! That post ended really well! Not where I was expecting it to go! Congratulations!

I assume you’re paying a pretty penny for this. She isn’t doing this a favour.
A resting bitch face has no place when you’re providing a service when you’re providing a service. In my book tough love doesn’t = support. In my experience you get the best out of people by being understanding and approachable.

@howlat Thanks! I think so too but the work's not over yet as you can imagine

NellWilsonsWhiteHair
I think letting the frustration show is likely to be because there's no professional boundaries here. The PT and the OP seem to have created a worst of both worlds dynamic where they're neither a professional PT/client relationship, nor are they good friends.

If I had a friend who was moaning about weight/fitness repeatedly but then always making excuses and doing the exact opposite of what I knew their plan was then I would (in kindness) tell them they've got the tools available to them and they either need to quit the excuses and get on with it, or accept that life right now is genuinely not right for trying to make any big changes.

I do agree with you on many things though.

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair thanks for your amazing post.

Thanks everyone.