Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

Mascotte but what social interaction would they be having if we went for a walk in a secluded beauty spot that so many people on here tell me they desperately need? What social interaction will they have if we go to the supermarket? Less than what I described above that's for sure.

They can't see grandparents and their friends aren't doing playdates either.

@Kazzyhoward I completely understand that your situation is different as a shielding family. My question was directed at non-vulnerable families who are still staying home. I wondered if the change in shielding advice might make them feel more confident.

As someone who has been confined to the house all through the lockdown because of long-term COVID-19 symptoms, I really don't understand why anyone would choose to be confined. My DH has asthma and has WFH right through, but he started going out again when our quarantine period was over. Unfortunately my poor health has had a negative impact on my DDs, especially DD2 (8) and I'm really worried that she's scared to go out. Both girls did go back to school, though, for a period.

But I have been going out more recently, since I finally had a negative test. It tires me out but it's much better for my mental health. I met up with a close friend who is shielding and we went to the pub together during the last week. Because we both want to keep living.

@maxdash every time you go out the front door and you come back save and sound, you’re teaching your children it’s safe and not a big scary world out there, the longer you don’t go out the more you’re telling your children it’s not safe. What happens when you and your children have to leave your house or are you going to live like this for a year, 2 years, 5 years? At some point, you and your family will have to go out.

Alex50 I think you are confusing me with a poster who is not going out due to fear, which is not the case (I've had COVID).

My previous posts detail why we haven't been out so I won't bore everyone with that again, but basically it's because we've no need to and no desire to. But they also detail that the kids will be back in school once it reopens, they'll have to go to the uniform shop and for school shoes next month. Once grandparents are happy for visits again we will see them too.

Yes, I think it's incredible what some people feel is appropriate. I would agree that if the family is all young and in good health not going out at all would seem over the top. But OP doesn't actually know if they are healthy and she doesn't really know that they never go out anywhere. Even if it was true it is really not her right to turn up and try and force this person out and the suggestions to phone her friend's GP or school are outrageously intrusive.

Yes exactly. If this was my friend I would be very very annoyed and that's wording it nicely

I'm surprised to hear some people have had cancer treatment stopped. I wonder if it's just in England, because it's been carrying on here in Wales. I had a scan a couple of weeks ago, and my friend had radiotherapy, started chemo a month or so ago.
Clinic appointments have changed to phone appointments a lot of the time, but treatments have continued.

I have a friend in England who had radio during lockdown

My friend's treatment has continued. I think it depends on your treatment plan as some leave you very immunocompromised so your doc needs to weigh up each relative risk.

The worry is more the missed and delayed diagnoses waiting down the line with people not seeking help for initial symptoms.

I've been Skype calling a friend, daily since March. About 20 minutes each morning - we discuss our plans for the day and what went well. He goes out once a week for shopping and more recently, for bike rides. Then last month I set up Skype calling for my grandson to help him with schoolwork.
Perhaps you could Skype call your friend once a week for a quick catch-up over coffee? If she gets on with it ok, she might interact more with other people and build out a new normal.

Aside from that, I too am worried about how the virus might affect school age boys.

I'm surprised to hear some people have had cancer treatment stopped.

Yes, OH had his treatment stopped in March and still not re-started - hopefully August. He's only just managed to get a blood test so the consultant can see his various levels etc to decide whether it can start again. The oncology dept just shut down completely for several weeks. Phone calls were diverted to a call centre. The building itself was all shuttered up and in darkness. It took OH till May to actually be able to talk to someone from the dept after numerous messages left for a call back. Back in May, they arranged a blood test appt for June but then cancelled it and put it back to July.

The worry is more the missed and delayed diagnoses waiting down the line with people not seeking help for initial symptoms.

Trouble is that too many GP surgeries just shut down and left messages referring you to ring 111 for advice. Now, they're back-tracking and victim-blaming the patients for not seeking help.

We’ve been on lockdown since 9th March when my child became ill.
We have mostly stayed at home. My daughter plays on her bike alongside friends, we enjoy distanced visits from friends on the green outside where we live. We go for a walk a few times a week.. She chats to her friends every day, we’ve formed a bubble with a family we are close to and we see them every other day so she does have regular social interaction which I think is the key thing.
But we are not going to shops, not going for walks, people locally aren’t distancing enough for that to feel safe.

Numbers are increasing, people are still losing their lives to this.

This is ( hopefully) a very short snapshot in an otherwise long life for most of us. If we don’t fuck it up we’ll make it through this.
My daughter hopefully won’t just have memories of what she missed out on, during this time- she will also remember the games we played, the baking we did, the things we have made, the things she learned.

In time, there will be a vaccine, things will return to normal. Everyone needs to do what feels safe and healthy FOR THEM. That will be different from one person to another.

I do wonder, though if your friends husbands PTSD is making things harder for her.

I really can’t see what the issue is here. We’ve done exactly the same. We’ve ventured out to do a click and collect when numbers went down but not met any friends or been out to a restaurant etc. We have a very big house with a garden and we’re all fairly happy being inside. Rather that then get ill. Numbers here have starting soaring again and I’m vulnerable, probably my son too. Tell your friend to get in touch. Would love to connect with someone on the same wavelength... If everyone did the same Covid would be history within weeks!

During the pandemic, we've had friends who have seemed rather extreme, those who do not have any chronic illnesses or vulnerable family members, those waiting for a vaccine before considering sending their children back to school or getting on a flight etc.

Its flights that are part of this problem, look at the countries that have come put of lockdown and had to go back in because of visitors? And the extreme thing was what people saw from other countries they had to do to flatten the curve. Look at the us opening up too soon and all the deaths. This is a pandemic, its extreme because there are thousands dead that would not have died had they not come into contact with a virus that Is so contagious we are actually told that too long a hug can spread it!!! I know your point but everyone has to stop acting like choosing to stay away from others is something only crazies do!!

The trouble with this virus is that, in trying to avoid it, it can bring out all sorts of anxiety in people who otherwise don't suffer with anxiety. And if you already did, well then, it can make it much much worse.

DH has struggled with this, and didn't even want to go out in the garden at first. I had to stand firm and insist that DD and I would, and would go for daily walks/bike rides to the local duck pond, even if he didn't join us. He gradually relaxed, but it was almost two months before I could coax him out for a walk with us and even that was after an argument. To put things in perspective, we are not shielding.

As time has gone on, he has come out more often and become more comfortable with it and we've even done visits to his folks now (mine are still a bit far, but we are seeing them soon), and a 4 night break at a secluded lodge in Devon. But it has taken a lot of talking, and patience and pointing out the lack of logic in his thinking.

It's important to keep in mind that whilst there are still hundreds of new cases each day, your region might only have a handful, or even zero. Of course, its also possible that your region might be experiencing a spike, and so it is important to look at that information and use it wisely. If local cases are low, then you can safely go out and socialise, with sensible measures in place. If they are high, then it is probably best to stay in for a couple weeks whilst it drops again.

But I can assure you that, whilst DH struggled with his anxiety, I also struggled with him trying remove ALL risk as a result (not possible) and wanting us all to stay in. And our DD definitely hated being at home all the time, and when I asked her each night "what are you going to dream about tonight?" (Part of our routine), there were a few weeks where her answer was 'going to other peoples houses' every night, and it broke my heart. If we had not gone for walks, or talked to her friends from across the road, then she would have struggled even more.

I love it that “everyone” should stay at home while posters conveniently forget that its other people who have to bring them food so they can “stay safe”😂.

No. Everyone can’t stay home.

@DDiva she’s hardly “ignoring her wishes and railroading her” is she???

She’s concerned quite clearly about her friends mental health, I’m sure it is not uncommon and there are more people than you think that aren’t coping well with being “allowed out” again. I don’t really want to go back to real life to be honest. It’s an anxiety thing for me. Absolutes no fear of the virus

@ButtonMoonLoon what you are doing is giving your DD social interaction without having to go overboard and you are being sensible.

What other parents seem to be doing is not letting their DC have any social interaction outside their 4 walls, which isn't sensible.

One poster appears to have a paddock, surely room enough to have a friend round for some interaction but being able to keep social distancing and more than 2m if they want to feel even safer.

ineedaholidaynow that's me. My friends are not socialising with others. As I said earlier, we were invited round to a friend's garden but she didn't want us using the loo so we declined, but invited them here. They declined. Conversations I've had with other friends, people are maybe seeing grandparents but that's it. They don't want to come round!

Parents keeping their children home, are you not worried they will miss out compared to their peers? Do you not worry you will
make them overly anxious when they do have to go out? What about school in September, will you keep them off school. When there friends are meeting up for parties, days out, how will they feel they can’t go?

Yeah and I have to go to work to fund the NHS etc for you to have that revolting attitude! I'd love to say no, don't bother with people that think "I'm alright", hopefully you've got a partner that pays tax and NI.
It’s not “revolting” to not want to go out when I don’t need to. Whether I go out or not makes no difference to anyone other than my family. My DH works and funds the NHS, and I’ve worked and funded it in the past, probably while you were still at school.

What makes them so special, indeed! And their poor isolated children are at FAR less risk than the people who are producing, picking and delivering their food.
Me going out (or not) will make zero difference to the person who delivers for Asda. I don’t feel guilty about them doing their job that they applied for. I don’t feel guilty that my DH applied for a different type of job that doesn’t involve making deliveries. And I don’t see why the fact that someone else applied to work as a delivery driver means I should go out of my house?

Alex50 I can obviously only speak for our kids classes but none are meeting up currently. None are doing anything which would set my kids apart from them, most have cancelled holidays they've booked, others haven't booked them when they normally would. The September birthday kids parents are already advising they aren't having parties and will likely have them later in the year or next year. My kids birthdays aren't until Jan & Feb so not something we have to worry about yet and the situation will have changed again by then anyway- currently the places the kids have parties aren't open.

All the kids are returning to school in September if things remain as they are (we're at risk of local lockdown) but it's a class of 16 and 17 so lower risk anyway, I think all the kids in both classes are returning or currently planning to.

I'm not hearing about anything either from my friends or from the class WhatsApp groups which indicate my kids will be out of the norm. I very much doubt they'll all be comparing their trips to Sainsbury's when they go back to school.

@maxdash are none of them taking their DC outside their front door, I would find it odd that a school is full of parents doing that?

@Raimona

I agree with you about that particular poster, she's been ridiculously judgmental on this thread, and very goady.

However, I also don't think it's healthy to keep children from going out for months on end. I've seen the impact on my DDs, and it hasn't been good. They're doing better now, thankfully.

But it's hardly hurting other people if you and your family stay inside the house so I don't understand the aggression from some posters on this thread.