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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and children still in complete lockdown

999 replies

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:18

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

OP posts:

YouSetTheTone · 19/07/2020 10:43

@SockYarn thank you that’s a brilliant idea! I need to do this sort of counting game with my child who’s due to start school in September.

mrpumblechook · 19/07/2020 10:52

Ha! That made me laugh. I hadn't really thought about all these paranoid musnetters not leaving (or letting their families) leave their house, being dependent on those who have to/are prepared to.

The fact that they haven't left their houses has reduced the number of cases in the first place though. That was the whole point of lockdown. And while it might not be necessary now (in some areas) staying in is hardly making things worse for those who do need to go out.

HazelBite · 19/07/2020 10:54

I was initially worried about going out, but I have pets and the inevitable happened and we needed to go to the vets!
I am amazed at how most places have "adapted" to make us feel, and keep us reasonably safe.
I had to go to my local hospital this week, I felt very safe!
However I don't want to go to restaurants or my local pub as walking past some of these establishments the effects of alcohol on many seem to make them forget social distancing!

mrpumblechook · 19/07/2020 11:02

I also disagree that there's no point walking round suburban streets or city centres because it's boring and there's no green space. I try to get a 4 to 5 mile walk around my suburban streets each day. It would be boring walking the same route every day without any changes, true. So I download podcasts onto my phone. Free of charge. Whatever you're into from sport or cinema to politics or science - there's a podcast.

That's nice for you. Not everyone enjoys the same things though.

PotholeParadise · 19/07/2020 11:02

@syskywalker

And have any if you “children need stimulation” types thought about what children had to be stimulated, over the last 5000 years? Today’s society and children’s lack to entertain themselves is why the human race will die out in a couple of centuries.

I don't know what point you are trying to make here.

They went out! They saw the world, they interacted with with all five senses. Parents in 3000 BC were not showing their children what a donkey looked like on an iPad inside their stone hut, were they?

I don't particularly want to idealise the past, but toddlers would have been on their mothers' hip looking out and around them while their mother gathered food or went to market!

How can you condemn the modern trend towards parents striving to entertain children in the house in the same breath as appealing to the past?

thebees · 19/07/2020 11:05

Perfectly reasonable to be concerned for friends.

A visit to them, socially distancing, perhaps?

Rememberallball · 19/07/2020 11:18

@Summeradventure

Those who are still staying home, what would need to change for you to feel able to leave the house? Shielding pauses on 1st August - will this make you feel differently? Would you like to see the death rate at zero or new cases at zero? Are you waiting for a vaccine? This is a genuine question - I'm trying to work out what level of risk you would accept.

No, August 1st won’t make any difference to me going out; there are still many cases, R rate has barely changed and still hovers around 1 and yet the easing of lockdown has been sped up to boost the economy and stop the slump. What makes going out any safer than it was 2 months ago?

A vaccine being available, might make a difference but might not - who knows how long it will take to be in general use and how people will react to it. There’s not even any guarantee you’ll maintain enough antibodies to become immune if you catch Covid so you can’t even think ‘well, I’ve had it once, I won’t get it again’.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 11:19

All the posters on here telling op to turn up, book tickets for something, turn up and insist on a garden meet up - would you really not mind a friend of yours doing this, particularly one that you've been trying to avoid seeing? You've been making polite excuses not to see someone but you would honestly find it ok if they ambushed you out of the blue with tickets for an attraction and insist you come, or with a deck chair in hand and demand to have a garden meet up with you?

I don't believe anyone on here would think that's in any way ok.

The level of intrusion that some of you are encouraging is just wrong.

IrmaFayLear · 19/07/2020 11:19

I used to do “the random challenge” with the dcs. A scavenger hunt spotting random things, such as a dog poo, a lady with trolley, teenager with headphones... for extra points a builder’s bum on a building site etc etc.

Even when you have a lovely big garden it makes a change to take a look at the outside world.

I can’t believe the pp who maintains it’s fine for children to experience things just via the tv or computer. Why don’t we all just give up and live like WALL-E all sitting blob-like in pods. Or The Machine Stops. Or even Room where the mother and child were imprisoned. Surely they were fine, according to some on here. No need for the big bad outside or interaction with strangers. Better to live in a sterile box staring at a screen than brave the dangerous world we live in.

Nicknacky · 19/07/2020 11:28

Not to mention the poster who said her ids don’t need to go out because they can look out the window. This thread is incredible.

Nicknacky · 19/07/2020 11:28

Kids!

maxdash · 19/07/2020 11:30

And it's totally possible to see people without leaving your home- we've seen and chatted to numerous delivery drivers, our cleaner, neighbours on both sides, neighbours from further down the street, people on the allotments behind the paddock. We did the clap for carers each week with most of the street.

Mascotte · 19/07/2020 11:37

@maxdash

This is so sad. It's not a substitute for actual social contact for children for goodness sake.

Alex50 · 19/07/2020 11:37

Wow it does make you think how many young healthy families in the UK are sitting at home, to scared to go out their front door. I’m so glad my family and I have kept up a routine and went out the house every day through the whole of lockdown.

Kazzyhoward · 19/07/2020 11:41

Shielding pauses on 1st August - will this make you feel differently?

Nope. Why would it? What is different on 1st August compared with today? Nothing, that's what! We're shielding due to OH's cancer which makes him extremely clinically vulnerable. The oncology specialist isn't even willing to continue with cancer treatment at the moment due to the covid risk. If it's not safe for him to have treatment, then it's not safe for him to go shopping or socialising, even after 1 August (when nothing actually changes). In fact if more people are going out and about, not social distancing, then surely it's more risky for the shielding to go out??

mrpumblechook · 19/07/2020 11:42

The level of intrusion that some of you are encouraging is just wrong.

Yes, I think it's incredible what some people feel is appropriate. I would agree that if the family is all young and in good health not going out at all would seem over the top. But OP doesn't actually know if they are healthy and she doesn't really know that they never go out anywhere. Even if it was true it is really not her right to turn up and try and force this person out and the suggestions to phone her friend's GP or school are outrageously intrusive.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/07/2020 11:43

@Mascotte it is better than nothing, but it is awful to think that some children may not even had that.

mrpumblechook · 19/07/2020 11:46

Shielding pauses on 1st August - will this make you feel differently?

The pause has little to do with it being safer. If it was they wouldn't have planned it to happen at a date in the future when cases could be increasing again rather than decreasing. It is more to do with the economy.

Alex50 · 19/07/2020 11:49

What about if you have to go back to work to pay bills and your children have to go back to school, what are you going to do then?

annabel85 · 19/07/2020 11:51

If only everyone was as cautious as your friend we'd have been rid of this thing months ago.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/07/2020 11:52

I understand being cautious and not rushing into doing things when shielding pauses, the virus is still around, but there is something in between not leaving the house and spending every hour in the pub!

My DM is in her 80s with health issues. I do most of her shopping for her and drop it at her door. We have a socially distanced chat, but we don’t hug and I don’t go indoors even though we could be a support bubble. We have also had socially distanced walks. Her mental health would have deteriorated without this social interaction.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/07/2020 11:55

@annabel85 how would we have survived if everyone was as cautious as this friend. Key workers had to carry on.

Again we are not suggesting this friend has large gatherings, just saying she could take the children to the park or something like that, not even meeting up with people but just getting out of the house.

Nicknacky · 19/07/2020 11:56

annabel85 How have you been able to get food if you haven’t went out?

TurquoiseDress · 19/07/2020 11:58

Is she happy to be living like this? or is she being told to do it by DH?

During the pandemic, we've had friends who have seemed rather extreme, those who do not have any chronic illnesses or vulnerable family members, those waiting for a vaccine before considering sending their children back to school or getting on a flight etc.

TurquoiseDress · 19/07/2020 11:58

Taking the children to the park is perfectly acceptable, if they do not return to school in September, what about their education, unless she is planning to homeschool them full time going forwards?

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