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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and children still in complete lockdown

999 replies

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:18

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

OP posts:

user1472151176 · 18/07/2020 17:34

I have children the same age, with no family close and we haven't been hardly anywhere either. We do go for walks now but only quiet places. May be MH. I still won't let my children in shops and have considered home schooling.

bemusedmoose · 18/07/2020 17:37

Maybe she just doesn't trust the governments advice! I'm not out other than food and dog walks. I think opening playgrounds where 100s of random people touch everything and it isn't cleaned is weird when you have to bubble at school and only 2 days a week for just a few year groups... She probably just feels, like me, don't get too use to the opening up because when the second wave hits and we all get stuck in again... Just easier to stay in. She could also have serious anxiety issues about catching it. I've had it. It was horrible and 5 months on I still have relapses and it's affected the nerves in my throat so some times i cant swallow. It's not just a cold and you don't just get over it.

Mittens030869 · 18/07/2020 17:38

@WhatamessIgotinto I agree. I never have the urge to be unkind to any poster. I have no problem with robust debate, there have been plenty of lively threads that I've enjoyed following and contributing to. But personal attacks I don't like at all, especially when the poster being attacked is clearly in a bad place. There's just no need for it.

FeegleFion · 18/07/2020 17:44

Leave them to live their lives and you live yours. End of.

TheGreatWave · 18/07/2020 17:48

@FeegleFion

Leave them to live their lives and you live yours. End of.

Or maybe be a good friend and check they are ok?

Sailingblue · 18/07/2020 17:49

I find this thread quite shocking. I’m amazing there are people (that aren’t shielding) that haven’t left the house with the children. The vast majority of people I know made the most of the daily exercise at least to get the children out of the house. We’ve got a large garden with play equipment but would have gone crazy if we’d been stuck at home. I really don’t think that level of insularity is good for anyone let alone children. People that are shielding are obviously different but I couldn’t imagine denying my children a visit to the park.

Rebelwithallthecause · 18/07/2020 17:53

I agree @Sailingblue

LovelyIssues · 18/07/2020 17:57

I have a friend just like this and am also genuinely really worried

Strangeways19 · 18/07/2020 18:16

I suspect that someone has suggested this but contact her GP - it doesn't matter that they won't give you information, you're passing information to them anonymously. Explain that you're worried about her & her children and why.

mrpumblechook · 18/07/2020 18:22

What would you expect the GP to do? If they really are healthy they may only see them once in a few years. They are not going contact them based on some anonymous random phoning them.

pepperygold · 18/07/2020 18:56

Please leave her alone as I wish people to leave me alone and we can sort out in our time okay

Wally1983 · 18/07/2020 19:00

So I had a similar situation with a friend though she still went to her work shifts (over a weekend) but seen or did nothing other than house and kids. Could you drop by with a surprise package? I used to appear with a treat for her or the kids now and then and she would come and chat in her garden..overly socially distanced but that was fine. She appreciated the gesture and the company though it wasn’t often or much but afterwards you could tell she was a bit happier. I have seen her since restrictions lifted and in fact she was the first to invite me in. Just an idea, hope you get somewhere with her because her MH maybe is suffering

Rememberallball · 18/07/2020 19:02

@Standardy

They’re babies, they don’t have friends to miss and they get their needs met in the home.

You say you went to get shoes fitted so one must at least be toddling about, that's sad if you don't see the value of them being outside with a change of scenery, or of the social benefits. But each to their own, DS used to be really excited looking at all of the trees and collecting sticks when be was a 'baby', most are pretty impressed by little things. You do you though, just glad I'm not one of these children not being allowed in the outside world.

Yes, they’re beginning to toddle which was why we went to get their feet measured. The only places we went before this all kicked off was a baby activity group and a local mums get together once a week for each - neither are running at the moment so nothing to go out for. And, no, I don’t see the point in putting them in the pushchair to walk around urban streets in the current climate.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 18/07/2020 19:07

It's easier than ever to read the OPs updates and people still don't bother! They have had a chat.

GoldenOmber · 18/07/2020 19:17

And, no, I don’t see the point in putting them in the pushchair to walk around urban streets in the current climate.

How old would they need to be before you thought there would be a benefit to them from leaving the house?

I do think lockdown has been easier for younger children. My toddler has ruled the roost like a tiny emperor while her older sister has struggled a lot. But even then, the toddler has enjoyed going out even just round the local area - pointing at passing dogs, shouting “Car!” at cars, picking up pine cones in the park. It seems awfully limiting for children to think that so long as they have a nice house and garden they’ll never need to see anything outside it.

TheGreatWave · 18/07/2020 19:19

@pepperygold

Please leave her alone as I wish people to leave me alone and we can sort out in our time okay

What if they are not ok though, what then? Presumably people are concerned about you as well. And if you're fine, well just tell them that.

Mascotte · 18/07/2020 19:27

It not ok to leave people alone if they are not treating their children properly and in their best interests.

Sailingblue · 18/07/2020 19:27

The priority for me has been to try and regain normality as quickly as possible for my children. Their nursery won’t open until September which has been awful for the eldest. I found alternative provision for my eldest but was happy to keep my baby at home. Now at 16m you can tell she needs to get out and about, play, interact with with others. I took her with me to a car service and 2 hours waiting in an industrial estate was utterly fascinating for her. I realised then how much she’d missed out compared to her sister.

Strangeways19 · 18/07/2020 19:42

@mrpumblechook to answer your question - a GP has an overview of all health needs of the family. They are key to child protection matters & there will be a health visitor who may know the family and even if the children are over 5 the health visitor may know of any issues and often they will support if they can.

The GP can refer, or speak to school or also advise. They are key figures central to family health care.

It may be that raising awareness at this level could help the family if they need it.
We have spoken to a gp about a family member that we were concerned about and this was very helpful to them, us and the situation. And it was about a vulnerable adult.
If OP is concerned and doesn't feel able to visit then this is a viable option.

Celestine70 · 18/07/2020 19:45

I would keep a careful eye on things and definitely push to go visit.

angeltop · 18/07/2020 19:54

How sad for many people life has become solely about avoiding death.

Oblomov20 · 18/07/2020 19:56

There really is no need for friends op to be so restrictive. It's damaging to the children and thus it's not good parenting.

Shielding isn't recommended after August 1st.

mrpumblechook · 18/07/2020 20:03

to answer your question - a GP has an overview of all health needs of the family. They are key to child protection matters & there will be a health visitor who may know the family and even if the children are over 5 the health visitor may know of any issues and often they will support if they can.

So what. If an annonymous caller and phoned them about a patient they wouldn't interfere anyway. They particularly aren't going to do anything when we are in the middle of a pandemic and the person is doing what shielding patients are being advised to do anyway.

LetitiaMartin · 18/07/2020 20:09

It seems awfully limiting for children to think that so long as they have a nice house and garden they’ll never need to see anything outside it.

I was sitting in a local park this afternoon. There were several toddlers, from different family groups, toddling around, exploring. One little one, perhaps about 18 months, had really fallen in love with a massive tree. Hugging it, trying to climb it. Daddy was trying to get her to play a game, but the tree was much more interesting than Daddy.

Sailingblue · 18/07/2020 20:11

But there is a big difference between having to be restrictive because you’re at heightened risk of the virus and choosing to do that to your children when there isn’t a clear reason to do so.

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