Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

I can't stand how judgemental some people are being on here. Parents have different ways of raising children. No doubt there are aspects of your parenting that others would disagree with - the food you give your children, screen time, amount of independence you give, religion, films they can watch and so on. Should we all critique your lives and demand that you conform to what we consider "correct"?

There are so many reasons why people might not be ready to rush out and join the throngs - common sense for one. Track and trace - maybe parents have legitimate concerns that they could be forced to quarantine, possibly more than once, just because a person who was in the cafe they day they went has tested positive. Maybe they can't afford two weeks off work?

I was reading a thread last night from a mum who has taken her toddler out to places and is utterly overwhelmed by the systems in place - one way systems, social distancing etc - that her toddler doesn't understand and had multiple tantrums as a result. (She had been to a zoo and similar places). She's concluded that there's no enjoyment from trying to go out and do "normal" things while restrictions are in place. People are going to be affected by many things and their experiences will be different to yours. It's going to be very different if you live in the countryside or on the coast to if you live in a busy city. If you live in a house with a big garden or a high rise flat with no outside space, if you have a car or rely on public transport, how much money you have, whether family members are vulnerable or not, infection rates where you live...

The judgement that is on this thread has really shocked me.

I totally agree with the "secondhand" information thing. As I said upthread, my inlaws are utterly convinced that if they go to the supermarket they will catch covid and if they catch covid they will die. No debate, it is a fact and it will happen.

Media doesn't report stories like "Kate from London went to the supermarket and said that everyone was keeping their distance" - they put up video footage of people crying because covid is so awful, or show pictures of people "packed" onto beaches at an angle which makes it look worse than it is, or BLM protests with lots of people. This reinforces the inlaws' belief that the virus is everywhere and they will catch it.

It's not logical - especially when they have people in the family working in supermarkets and in the emergency services who have been at work throughout and have never been sick (or know anyone who has been sick). But the FEAR which the government has created is difficult to get over and the longer they leave it, the more the habit of staying in and not seeing anyone becomes entrenched and it's harder to break the pattern.

It's great that your friend has agreed to have friends over to play OP. Will be interested to hear whether she actually goes through with the plan.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras there is a lot to enjoy about going out, I have loved going clothes shopping, diy shopping (for her room) with my daughter, visiting friends, going for a lunch time meal at out our local pub. You have to start somewhere as children have to go back to school in September. What a shock for them if they haven’t been out since March. Don’t you think it’s better to do it gradually.? It’s actually not that bad outside once you venture out, the longer you leave it, the more you build it up into something it’s not.

No doubt there are aspects of your parenting that others would disagree with - the food you give your children, screen time, amount of independence you give, religion, films they can watch and so on. Should we all critique your lives and demand that you conform to what we consider "correct"?

None of that is comparable to not leaving the house for months on end. And you don't have to go shopping, or to the park, or anywhere really with systems in place, a walk around the block is better than nothing. And yes, I do judge people using it as an excuse to not bother letting their children out of the front door.

The judgement that is on this thread has really shocked me

I don’t believe you. You spend every waking hour on MN. You must be well used to judgement by now.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras how are you going to cope with going back to work in August if you can’t even go for a 5 minute walk round the block?

The judgement that is on this thread has really shocked me
Yy but it is combining politics and parenting because the posters who are supporting the government on other threads are coming to this one too because they see it as an insult to Boris that families aren't doing as they are told and shopping, going to leisure facilities etc.
There's so much bad faith on here now. It's almost impossible to have a reasoned discussion. MN is supposed to be about supporting parents ... even ones that act differently from you, live in a different place, have different health issues, etc.

Media doesn't report stories like "Kate from London went to the supermarket and said that everyone was keeping their distance" - they put up video footage of people crying because covid is so awful, or show pictures of people "packed" onto beaches at an angle which makes it look worse than it is, or BLM protests with lots of people.

Yes! and you can see it on this thread too, people talking about the crowds and the throngs and people packing into places with no social distancing, but all of it's "I read that..." or "someone told me that..." or "I saw these pictures on the news and..."

I have been making a point of getting my children out of the house regularly since all this started because I don't want them to be freaked out by the outside world (whether that freaked-out-ness takes the shape of "terrified of the virus" or "well it's all just unpleasant and awful out there in some vague undefined way, best just stay inside forever"). It is NOT thronged and crowded and flocked and packed out and full of rude awful coughing people who don't understand social distancing everywhere, it's really not.

Two thoughts:

A visit to the family perhaps, even if you just talk in the garden and socially distance, shows caring and may help in a small way.

I don't think we overreacted to the Covid 19 virus, in fact I think the main issue is the government's failure to act in a reasonable timescale, for which I think Mr Johnson should be held criminally liable. If we had acted sooner, then removing restrictions would be earlier and after a shorter period.

the posters who are supporting the government on other threads are coming to this one too because they see it as an insult to Boris

What on earth are you talking about? I wouldn't take parenting advice from Boris either!

Nicknacky I've actually made it clear we were really busy before and were out all the time. Just not shopping.

It is NOT thronged and crowded and flocked and packed out and full of rude awful coughing people who don't understand social distancing everywhere, it's really not

Quite the reverse, if anything. The shops in our local city were almost empty, it felt like a ghost town. It’s that very reason that makes non essential shopping a thoroughly depressing experience right now.

It is NOT thronged and crowded and flocked and packed out and full of rude awful coughing people who don't understand social distancing everywhere, it's really not.

Of course it's not. But if all you're seeing is the news and social media, you'll think that it is. Which makes you too fearful to go out and see for yourself so you rely on media and forums to inform your impression, so you become more fearful - vicious circle.

so you rely on media and forums to inform your impression, so you become more fearful - vicious circle.

Yup.

[quote Alex50]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras there is a lot to enjoy about going out, I have loved going clothes shopping, diy shopping (for her room) with my daughter, visiting friends, going for a lunch time meal at out our local pub. You have to start somewhere as children have to go back to school in September. What a shock for them if they haven’t been out since March. Don’t you think it’s better to do it gradually.? It’s actually not that bad outside once you venture out, the longer you leave it, the more you build it up into something it’s not.[/quote]
Which is great for you. You are enjoying shopping. I don't. Even pre Covid going to the shops, for anything, was like the seventh circle of hell. Why would shopping be at all enjoyable? Just going out and buying stuff, acquiring more stuff that I don't need from a windowless, airless shopping mall which is a carbon copy of every other shopping mall in the country? No thank you. Why wouldn't you be going out and taking your children to cultural experiences - museums, galleries, concerts, English heritage sites?

As I said, there are going to be plenty of people not willing to chance going to pubs or restaurants knowing that track and trace could insist they quarantine for two weeks. That is entirely their choice.

It's really not up to you, or anyone else on here, to dictate what other people should do. Acceptable risk will be different for everyone depending on their circumstances and also local situations. Your way is right for you and that's great. That doesn't mean it's right for everyone else in the country.

ineedaholidaynow yes we had considered that, though it pre dates school and in school is doing well. It does appear to be a personality thing. I dont think they 'have anxiety' as say a medical condition, more just highly anxious generally. Sorry, I appreciate I'm not necessarily explaining that particularly well. I think some people are just more anxious than othes. Other DC is not at all like that. High needs baby, 'velcro baby' sort of thing. Always been happier in their comfort zone. Other DC is the opposite, very independent and free spirited, which also has its issues!

It's absolutely chucking it down here so we aren't going out today (indoor local attractions are book in advance or still closed).

@AnneOfQueenSables

The judgement that is on this thread has really shocked me Yy but it is combining politics and parenting because the posters who are supporting the government on other threads are coming to this one too because they see it as an insult to Boris that families aren't doing as they are told and shopping, going to leisure facilities etc. There's so much bad faith on here now. It's almost impossible to have a reasoned discussion. MN is supposed to be about supporting parents ... even ones that act differently from you, live in a different place, have different health issues, etc.

I agree

@maxdash if it takes an hour to walk to the other side of your 'village' it sounds more like a very large town than a village. Surely there are plenty of green spaces to go to in somewhere so big? And if your DH is so difficult to get to leave the house, leave him behind.

What a surprise to find @Hearhoovesthinkzebras on here and doom and gloom again!

How can you back not taking children out? The impact on their mental health will be vast, it's totally unhealthy and verging on cruel.

As for not taking a child to the zoo because they didn't like the new rules. Keeping them home is not going to help them adjust is it?

If every time we met a challenge with children, don't like going in the water when starting to swim, scared of falling off a bike when starting to cycle etc that we just gave up, we'd have done very unsociable and sad children.

The couple are wrong and the school are falling the children.

I understand not wanting to go to shops or days out. But they really need to go for long walks or they'll be storing up more health problems for the winter.

[quote Alex50]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras how are you going to cope with going back to work in August if you can’t even go for a 5 minute walk round the block?[/quote]
Why do I want to go for a five minute walk around the block? It's boring, dirty, and I'm sick of having to walk in the road to avoid groups of people who appear to not understand social distancing or the concept of single file.

How will I be going to work? Well, I'll put on my uniform, drive to work, go in and do my job. Then I'll come home. What else can I do? If I could afford to not work then I would leave, but as I can't I just have to hope that the things I can do - wash my hands, not touch my face, wear a mask - will be enough. Maybe it wont but I'll do my very best to limit possible exposure to something that could make me seriously unwell. I think I'd be foolish to do otherwise.

They're plenty of not crowded places to go! It's ridiculous to say otherwise!

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I agree with every word of your 12.20 post.

I hate shopping and I hate going to the pub. This is nothing new and not because of CoVID. I can't think of anything worse than going shopping at the best of times to be honest so I go for things that I want, not as an enjoyable pastime.😆

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you can drive???? I'm sure when I suggested that you drove somewhere quieter for your walk because the area around you was so busy from 6am to 6pm, that you could t drive..... how strange!

@Coronabegone

What a surprise to find *@Hearhoovesthinkzebras* on here and doom and gloom again!

How can you back not taking children out? The impact on their mental health will be vast, it's totally unhealthy and verging on cruel.

As for not taking a child to the zoo because they didn't like the new rules. Keeping them home is not going to help them adjust is it?

If every time we met a challenge with children, don't like going in the water when starting to swim, scared of falling off a bike when starting to cycle etc that we just gave up, we'd have done very unsociable and sad children.

The couple are wrong and the school are falling the children.

I'm not "backing not taking children out".

I'm saying that people are wrong to impose on others what they have decided is the "right" way to do something by, as was said on here, ambushing the woman at 6am on her doorstep with tickets to an attraction, or demanding to meet up in her garden, reporting the family to the police on suspicion of DV ( of which there was zero proof or even suspicion). The people suggesting all of that sound frankly more unhinged than the people choosing to stay at home.

These are personal decisions for people to make, based on their own circumstances. I deeply disagree if friends think they have a right to just turn up and force themselves on another family. How can any of you think that's right?

If you choose not to meet up.with a friend do you think that it's ok for them to report your husband to the police, accusing him.of domestic violence? That is just screwed up.