Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

Buy some I-spy books and go outside for a walk looking for satellite dishes, road signs, dandelions, yarrow and pied wagtails.

www.lovereading4kids.co.uk/series/Collins Michelin i-SPY Guides

Standardy was that aimed at me? We aren't scared of the virus, I'm pretty sure i had it in early March (working in the hospital at the time but it was pre staff testing). The only reason covid factors in to my thinking in this is because some places aren't open, or are ticketed etc because of it.

There's not been a single case of Covid in my local authority (population 300,000) for the last three days. No deaths for weeks.
Children at are infinitely lower risk.

And yet 25% of people on this thread think it's reasonable to restrict their children's world to their house and their garden, with no visitors, no walks, no experiences of the world outside it.

That is REALLY worrying..

Kind of makes it worse if you have not left the house for any real reason, at least with Covid however much of an overreacting it's an excuse. Cripes. The fact that you don't see how disordered it is seems quite scary.

So when they go back to school @maxdash will that be the only time they go out of the house?

I can understand that lockdown has made you realise that you don’t need to rush around from one activity to the next, but to never leave the house? We haven’t driven further than about 10 miles from where we live, and have definitely avoided the beach etc, but we are lucky to have countryside pretty much on our doorstep and a dog, so at least one of us will go out for a walk every day.

You obviously have a great garden but for your children not to have gone outside their front door for 4 months, just seems wrong. And you say you are not worried by the virus, but you haven’t even been out shopping. Do you wonder whether your DC think that you are worried about it and that is why you haven’t been out as a family.

maxdash I genuinely hope this thread has made you think. It’s not normal to be doing what you are doing. I have a fab garden, large with a trampoline etc but there is only so much my kids want to do it.

Your kids might not ask to go out, but that’s because they are kids. You are the adult.

I'm not really sure what is healthier about a picnic in the park Vs a picnic in the garden.

It’s not about the park being better than the garden. It’s about a life that includes the park (or anywhere outside the home!) as well as the garden being healthier on balance for our children than one that’s entirely limited to home.

No matter how nice our gardens are, it’s just not good for children to spend large chunks of their lives not ever leaving them.

And the family the OP is talking about us already considering not even sending the children back to school in September, although at least one of the children us really struggling already. And 25% of MNers think this is fine? That really is worrying.

I'm not really sure what is healthier about a picnic in the park Vs a picnic in the garden.

It’s healthy to see other people, dogs running around, feeding ducks, people laughing, people chatting, people walking passed, saying hello/good morning as they walk passed, interacting with others, seeing other children play, playing with other children. I have wonderful parents and sister but there’s no way it would have been in my best interest to not see anyone else.

Abusive or neglectful parents could be using covid as an excuse to not go out and now no one is there to check in on the children ( not suggesting this is the case OP is referring to).

@madbirdlady22

I have decided to call my friend tomorrow, I was going to wait until the autumn, but a heart to heart seems to me the best way forward. If she is fine to stay in every day, then I support her without question, but if she is in trouble I hope I will detect. She will always have me, and I will always have her. It was twenty years ago that she was digging me out of a crisis - so the very least I can do is to check she is actually okay and not depressed or suffering a form of DV.

I think this is wise. Like you I’m baffled about the amount of people I know who just haven’t really left the confines of their home and garden for coming 18 weeks now.

Personally, for the ones who’ve got children and aren’t shielding it makes me think less of them as Zoom chats with Granny and FaceTime with cousins just isn’t the same as getting out and breathing fresh air.

I know this is harsh and judgemental but people like your friend are totally responsible for what affect this will have on their children. I also hold them totally responsible for allowing their fears and their worries to rampantly infect their kids, a much bigger threat to them long term IME than COVID19.

@maxdash are you planning to live in seclusion through the summer then send your dc to school in September? They will have had no human interaction beyond their family and no experience beyond the home for 6 months. It's great that you've been able to take some positives from lockdown and learned to appreciate a simple life but please do consider making changes over the next few weeks to give your children a gentler transition.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing and being a good friend. I hope your chat with your friend goes well today.

ineedaholidaynow we didn't previously go shopping though, shoe shops for kids every 6 months or as required. We've had a recurring Asda slot for years (admittedly now cancelled but still easy to get). Clothes shopping I have always detested so done that online. Shops we did go to were mainly household related, e.g. IKEA but that only reopened a couple of weeks ago and the pictures and reports from our local IKEA do not make it look like a place we want to go, queues for hours etc.

Reports from friends of the places we used to go suggest similar, extremely busy, more so than usual, which makes them less appealing. The local zoo is booked up until August, NT tickets are sold out by 6am when I get up. Seems crazy. And seems crazy to go out and add to crowds when we don't need or want to.

I would also be worried about your friend and would take similar actions.

I think what this thread and some general behaviour has shown is how insular people are now becoming and indeed are happy to become. There has always been introverts and a to social people but it’s getting extreme

So when they go back to school @maxdash will that be the only time they go out of the house?

It's unclear yet whether their sports clubs and music lessons are going to resume in September. And the class WhatsApp groups suggest that there'll be no September birthday parties.

I've tried to read all OPs posts but sorry if i missed it - OP, do you know these kids are ok/alive? Have you seen/heard of them on the phone/on messages/in posts?

are you planning to live in seclusion through the summer then send your dc to school in September?

No. We'll be visiting grandparents once they are happy to have visitors. If friends want to visit, or want us to visit, then we may go. Currently our circle are being very insular. One friend invited us round to the garden but didn't want us using the loo (told us in advance), so we didn't go as I have a bladder condition, they didn't want to come here.

We aren't declining invitations, we haven't really had any. No one's suggesting meeting up. All our friends are very much keeping to themselves. Some are going to the supermarket but aren't taking the kids. Friends who have taken kids out have just said it's really busy and wasn't worth it.

I'm hoping the excitement of going out will wear off for others soon and things become more normal. We've never been ones for crowds but even the usually quite spots are busy.

I totally agree that we're storing up a whole heap of mental health problems for the future. It's really not normal or in any way healthy to stay in the house/garden for 6 months with zero contact with anyone outside the family.

Small kids in particular should be curious and interested in learning about the world around them. We all had to stay in for much of the spring but most people still went for walks and took their kids out. To still be totally isolating yourself at this stage - and when there are no underlying medical conditions - is concerning. And even more concerning is not being able to acknowledge that it's a problem, and trying to justify it all by saying how much you love staying in.

Can you imagine the first day of school in September for those children who haven’t been outside the house since March. I can see a huge problem with a lot of children and adults still not wanting to leave the house.

Morning all, I was reflecting on this thread during the night and I hope some of the people on here that were brave enough to post that they are still in a lockdown situation feel supported by others in real life, no one chooses to opt out of life like this, or to feel so worried that they would rather choose to stay in all of the time than face the world outside.

I actually hold the teaching unions and those heads that point blank refused to entertain the idea of reopening schools after half term, I hold them entirely responsible for this. Many of knew this would be happen, and were so deeply worried, and now we have the answer. A good quarter of children according to this thread, but will be replicated I am sure in RL will not have seen another child outside of their home or even taken a walk for six months or more.

If schools had reopened after half term as normal, with every child back in school then the children still in lockdown (and the ones that will continue to be locked up all summer) would have at least enjoyed the benefit of interaction and outside activities for six/eights weeks as a minimum.It is an utter failure that we did not manage to reopen our schools, and some children are really going to pay the price with their mental health.

Wow this has turned into another teaching blaming post. What about secondary schools then? That was down to Boris not teachers- they only had to open for year 10s and 12s!

Honestly maxdash I can totally appreciate what you’re saying about life being better and calmer etc and I’m sure that your children genuinely are happy. I know I’m just a random stranger on the internet but I do think that dipping your toes back into the outside world with the kids would be beneficial though. Even if it’s ‘a bit busy and annoying’ it’ll only be a short part of your weekend and surely it’ll be of benefit to your children to experience normal life outside the home again. They may well be entirely happy at home but that’s no reason not to provide outside stimulus too. Most places aren’t actually allowed to be very busy or crowded these days so that shouldn’t really be a factor?

My 4 year old hasn’t ASKED to (and he’s a happy garden-potterer) but today he’s going on a riding lesson and my 15 month old will come along and see him being led around on a horse. It’ll be good for them both! My poor 15 month old reacts with joy when he sees sheep on a walk or deer in a park - he’s been unable to go to the nature trails and things that my older two were taken to repeatedly at the same age! Poor sausage. The local nature trail is opening up again now - with SD measures etc etc - so I’ll take him next week. The virus isn’t out there waiting to ambush us. We’ll be careful and him getting out and seeing different animals is surely developmentally important. I don’t really understand the logic of parents with small children (not shielding) who aren’t prepared to go out and do things like this. If you take proper precautions it’s actually fairly hard to contract COVID-19 in these circumstances (outside, numbers limited, transactions done with appropriate safety measures etc). The risk of balance has tipped over into harming children’s mental health.

I agreed with all your concerns until I read your final comment about blaming schools. I work in a school and we have been open throughout and opened to the key year groups at half term. We had about 14 children out of 50/60 attending in each year group. In Nursery we had 7 out of 60. We encouraged parents to send their children in and many opted out. Many of these parents will be like those on this thread keeping their children at home. This has very little to do with schools and much to do with parental choice and the scary messages given out by the Government at the start of lockdown. Our parents have said they are scared to send their children back.

max it is definitely your job to insist that you go out, if they all moan and kick off (Mine do sometimes as well) well so what, you are the parent - and you do it anyway. Just like they need to eat vegetables, vitamins, clean their teeth, wash and do all the other things that are not always totally enjoyable.
Your dh is being very selfish, he is not thinking of the wellbeing of his children, and being very lazy under the guise of 'home bod' is not good parenting.

I coerced a friend of mine round to my garden last night after many weeks of avoidance techniques. She also hadn't been out since the beginning of lockdown and was in a pretty bad way mentally - drinking way too much alone at home. She actually cried during our time together and thanked me for pushing her a bit. She acknowledged that she's been living in a bubble for far too long and needs to get back to society. Just driving round to mine and seeing people out and about etc was a real wakeup call for her.
OP if you are genuinely concerned about you friend then I think you do need to have a frank conversation with her about how she's coping.

rubber If the schools had reopened as normal, and every child expected in as normal without the option of staying at home unless they were shielding then we would not have this problem now.

We have created this problem by overreacting as a country. The virus is not even a risk to children, but you would not guess that to read this thread. Schools such as yours reopened successfully and safely, but none of ours have. Now we see the price being paid.

Agree also that letting kids decide what they do or don't do isn't good parenting. And the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.