Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

I actually hope this thread will help some people to acknowledge issues they may be having. There's a legitimate spectrum in terms of the trade offs we're willing to make and the things we chose to prioritise, and then there's...this. I know a lovely person offline who went very like this, and then didn't really join the dots about why her DC were acting up, teary, sleeping poorly etc. She's still more cautious than I tend to be, but is out and about now (youngest is back in school) and its so obviously been good for them all.

@Nicknacky No prob! I knew what you meant

These few months have actually made me strip back activities (as we had to) and take my children out on walks to areas I went to as a child and adolescent that I wouldn’t normally have done. Learnt about local history and Googled areas and both learnt things.

We couldn’t do that if we didn’t walk out the front door.

Nicknacky because in our house if I say "get your shoes on, we're going out" translates to the husband as "now is a great time for you to take one of those really long toilets breaks" and to my kids "stand around with one sock on hitting your sibling with the other one until I tell at you".

And maybe not a day trip, but certainly a good few hours due to location. The local park.is really crap.

@PablosHoney

Passing your anxieties onto a child is poor parenting.

Amen.

Any child with their wits about them is going to be scared and confused at the turn of events. The parents role is to reassure, to interpret the information for them, and to give them all the opportunities they can to see that mostly, things are okay. That the world is still turning, that people are going about their usual activities mostly, and that nature is doing it's thing. And that this will pass.

It's summer, for goodness sake. We had a wonderful spring. What I loved during lockdown was going out for my daily walk and seeing whole families walking together, biking together, enjoying nature. Basically making the most of being together and doing the one thing they were allowed. Local people in my community made treasure hunts and fairy door walks in our woods for children and families to enjoy. It was healthy, fun and life enhancing. And that was when lockdown was tight, and novel.

It makes me sad at what many mumsnet children are missing, four months on.

madbirdlady22 which is exactly we are doing and yet somehow you believe I'm being abusive and causing irreparable psychological damage to my kids.

maxdash That’s probably one of the most piss poor excuses I have read on Mumsnet. And that’s saying something.

You really can’t get your kids to leave the house without making a big song and dance about it? And not even your kids, but your grown up husband,

@maxdash why do you have to go somewhere? Why can't you just head out the door and walk, talk about what you see, take in a loop of the area and go back home? Not trying to be goady, genuinely curious as to why you feel the need to travel.

Nickynacky it's because none of them want to go out they'd much rather stay at home and play in the garden, and DH would rather stay home and play with them in the garden. And I don't really see what the problem is with that.

then didn't really join the dots about why her DC were acting up, teary, sleeping poorly etc.

Which are definitely indicators that the kids aren't coping well. But we've had the exact opposite. DC1 has always been a dreadful sleeper but we've had weeks and weeks of full night's sleep. Behaviour of both has been brilliant (though they weren't particularly poor previously), they've been calmer, more relaxed, chattier. I understand people have concerns about kids MH in all this, but what causes issues for one doesn't necessarily cause issues for another.

maxdash But before coronavirus you did go out the house as a family?

SecondStarFromTheRight you may enjoy waking around your area but I can't say I do. Its just houses, roads, house, roads, crappy play park, more houses, high school, more houses, pub. After about half an hour we get to the high street. There's not really much to see. Either walking along busy main roads or rows and rows of Victorian and 30s semis. There's more to see and do at home (another Victorian semi, but many, many years ago was a factory in our back garden. But now it's just our garden).

It doesn't matter what anyone says, it's abusive to keep children locked up like this, and not good parenting. It's a shame if they're mentally ill, but children need protection from this kind of obsessive behaviour.

So no birds to look at, interesting houses, fancy curtains, count how many red cars you saw etc?

Nicknacky yes, and as I've said up thread, it was exhausting. DH is a home bod but went because I 'wanted' to. I did the planning and organising, he'd get the kids ready and pack up the car but there'd be forgotten stuff, the kids would moan, we'd rush around to get wherever on time, meet people, do things. I used to plan it all because I thought it's what we should do. Play dates, meeting family friends, NT venues etc. But I'd get to work on Monday more exhausted than I'd left on Friday. It took lockdown to make me realise that we are all happier doing less.

I think what’s disturbing me most about this thread isn’t the OP’s friend’s situation. It certainly sounds bad, that’s for sure. What worries me is the number of people saying what’s the big deal, I don’t see anything wrong with this.

Children need the outside world, they’re not meant to be kept at home. Of course if families are shielding vulnerable children that’s different but acting as if it’s all sunshine and roses is strange. I feel for anyone trying to make the best of such a situation but to voluntarily impose a complete quarantine if you don’t have to? That’s cruel.

Christ, I took my eldest to a walk around our local cemetery and we learnt about a major air crash in our area in the 1940’s!

@madbirdlady22

Maybe the garden is sufficent exercise? What kind of area does your friend live in? Is it urban / town, and therefore they are likely to encounter other human beings if they leave their house even for a walk? If they have a garden they should be able to get exercise and fresh air though, so they don't need to go for walks outside their house. Maybe your friend feels like trying to keep herself and both children 2m away from anyone isn't worth the risk/effort/stress?

All the comments from many people re: mixing with other children are interesting. Would I feel comfortable with my children mixing with other families that had been as strict (no shops, no unnecessary outings etc)? Maybe. Would I feel comfortable with my children mixing with children who had been to shops, school, seen other people / friends or had parents who'd be out or socialising a lot? No.

Would I want anyone to be telling me to go to a park or place where they might be many people when I hadn't even been for a walk around the block? No.

If I had a garden I wouldn't go out for walks for exercise. I go out because I tried exercising indoors only, including pacing up and down the flat, but was losing motivation and my fitness and health would suffer without enough physical activity daily.

maxdash Oh come on. You are making a drama out of it and your life is no busier than anyone else on here.

There is a massive difference from having action packed weekends and never leaving the house. There is an inbetween.

You aren’t doing less. You have stopped your kids lives.

@maxdash sounds fairly similar to my local area. I'm not sure you can be convinced that a wander down the street would be beneficial so I'll leave it there!

This is a very worrying situation (and thread by some of the responses). I wonder what mental health issues are being banked for the future if families are living like this now

Nicknacky to get to a cemetery, we'd have to drive. We live on a nice estate but there is nothing closer than 25 minutes walking at adult pace. Youngest DC has a gross motor delay and can't ride a bike or scooter so it's walking or driving.

I said up thread that as a kid I spent most none school time at home. We had a small holding, slightly bigger than our current garden and I loved pottering around on it. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed it, turns out my kids enjoy garden pottering too.

No I haven't! We're currently sleeping a tent in the garden having roasted marshmallows on a fire earlier. We haven't stopped our lives we've changed them.

There is no justification for this behaviour. It's nuts and completely unjustified by the threat posed by the virus.

maxbash So go a drive somewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️. Can you really not see that not leaving your house isn’t healthy even if you are toasting marshmallows?

If he had anxiety before, it will be through the roof when 'normal' life resumes and he has to leave the house, following months and months of not and also probably picking up on the fact his parents are scared about this virus, it's so unhealthy.

No I can't. I'm not really sure what is healthier about a picnic in the park Vs a picnic in the garden. What the difference is between a game of football in the garden Vs a stroll in the park. If I was refusing to allow them to see friends or attend school I could see your point. But I'm not. They'll go to school when it reopens in September and see their friends when they are allowed. If I needed to go to the shops we would go, but we haven't. If I (or DH, or the kids) wanted a change of scenery we'd go out. If the kids wanted to go to the park we would go, but they don't (unless it's the one with the steam trains but they aren't allowed to run currently).