Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

I'd be worried she's being emotionally abused OP, from what you've said about her clamming up and changing subject if you ask about her DH.

Also, could his PTSD be invented, either by him to excuse aggressive behaviours, or by her to save her having to explain anything to you?

*maxdash” Why make a big issue of it, just say “hey kids, get your shoes on and we will go to the park”? It doesn’t need to be a big day trip.

They will take their lead from you,

max You sound like you have really had a great lockdown, do you think more permanent changes are needed in your life, given your children are now so relaxed, and before were suffering anxiety? I would consider an overhaul if I were you, because clearly your life was not working for any of you before this. It is just a thought, as not everyone has to go back to their old lives regardless, it might be that some changes were really needed, and covid gave you a chance to live differently.

I have a friend in very similar circumstances. Says she's happy in her world. 3 young kids in thier house/ garden all day. SAHM with DH WFH and online shopping.

I felt there was something wrong with us as my kids have struggled not seeing friends and not being at school.

@madbirdlady22

max You sound like you have really had a great lockdown, do you think more permanent changes are needed in your life, given your children are now so relaxed, and before were suffering anxiety? I would consider an overhaul if I were you, because clearly your life was not working for any of you before this. It is just a thought, as not everyone has to go back to their old lives regardless, it might be that some changes were really needed, and covid gave you a chance to live differently.

Bloody hell. How sanctimonious.

So in some ways I have become increasingly incredulous, and yes the photos my friend sends worry me alot. If I could show you I am sure even you would agree.

I don't know why you're saying 'even me'! If I could see them, I might well agree! And even if I didn't, it wouldn't mean you were wrong, because you know her and I don't.

I still don't know why everyone is staying at home if they are not shielding!!!! If there is almost no risk then why???

But here you lose me, because you don't know all the other people who have made the decision to react cautiously to Covid. Every person, every family has had to make their own assessments of upsides and downsides, based on a carefully balanced consideration of the risk of Covid in their area and in their circumstances, their own health status and issues, their means of earning money, the age and temperament of their children, their housing, and much else besides. Lots of people haven't considered anything carefully, of course, but lots have, including many with a high level of scientifc understanding of Covid, some of whom are on this thread.

I can't figure you out, OP. On the one hand, you seem obnoxiously sure about what everyone else should be doing. On the other, despite the fact that your views have had much more validation on the thread than dissent, you're still hesitating to intervene. Earlier you said you'd wait until September, whereas I know I wouldn't wait three months if I believed a friend of mine was in crisis.

I wonder if you'd have a clearer idea of how to reach out to your friend if you could get past the belief that your fixed ideas are the only valid ones.

I have decided to call my friend tomorrow, I was going to wait until the autumn, but a heart to heart seems to me the best way forward. If she is fine to stay in every day, then I support her without question, but if she is in trouble I hope I will detect. She will always have me, and I will always have her. It was twenty years ago that she was digging me out of a crisis - so the very least I can do is to check she is actually okay and not depressed or suffering a form of DV.

There is absolutely no evidence here that the kids are being in any way harmed, she just has diff ideas to you.

@Ineedflour

There is absolutely no evidence here that the kids are being in any way harmed, she just has diff ideas to you.

The boy is lashing out, and the children appear unhappy in every photo OP has seen. Their father has PTSD and has nothing to do with his kids. It may not be evidence, but those things are big red flags. And the children have no means of escaping what could be a really difficult atmosphere in the house.

I'm not sure what evidence people want in order for OP to justify her concern. If someone OP'd to say they thought their friend was being abused, would everyone demand evidence?

I really get the feeling on this thread that for some posters, kids mental health and emotional well being isn’t that important. They expect kids to just adapt (which they do, but not always without consequences) and not notice that their world has shrunk beyond belief.

But hey, it’s fine if mum and day are “introverts” and prefer being at home.

Exactly, NickNacky. I’m staggered by the number of people who think it’s fine for kids to be isolated from the outside world for months, for no reason. If someone had done this pre-Covid it would absolutely have triggered safeguarding concerns. It is not just ‘a different way of parenting’; it is deeply concerning.

@Nicknacky As someone who grew up in a family plagued by untreated parental MH issues, this thread is pretty terrifying.

@madbirdlady22 you’re a good friend. She is probably very scared and likely has developed or exacerbated mental health issues through this crisis. I think it’s happened to a lot of people. We met with friends in their garden last week and one has a complete melt down when someone came within 2.5m of her. It’s a rough time for all but defs offer your support. Maybe say if you did meet you would be very happy to follow any guidelines she has, for instance she might want to be 100% that you would stay 2+ metres from her. Maybe you could bring your own chairs etc? Just a thought xx

SomewhereEast I read your post and I feel for you. Adults being so arrogant as to only care for themselves.

bookworm14 Mumsnet seems to be getting worse. Some of the posts about Covid and coming out of lockdown are nuts and the hysteria is phenomenal.

Sorry SomewhereEast I was flippant with my language there. Of course mental health issues isn’t “arrogant”. This thread was in my mind when I typed that.

@bookworm14 it’s crazy isn’t it. Coronvirus is a great excuse to keep your children locked up and to say it’s ok, how dare you even question it. The longer people don’t leave the house, the harder it will be to go out the front door. You can make every excuse why it’s not safe. The Parks far to busy it’s not safe, you will die or kill your parents if you go to school! The government, media have done a good job with the slogan stay home, stay safe, now how are they going to reverse it?

Yes. The government did too good a job of terrifying everyone (about the only thing they did do well, to be honest). I don’t think they have any kind of plan to undo the damage.

I think I've remained reasonably together throughout lockdown. I've been out and about safely, seen my family, and feel reasonably in tune with the outside world. But even I have been weirded out by things that I shouldn't be. Felt uncomfortable or anxious here and there when I've been out or someone's come into my house. Started imagining the virus in the air around me, or cringed when someone's come close to me. Things that make me go "wtf?" at myself because they're so not me.

So I can't imagine how badly this could affect an imaginative or anxious child, with no outlet, physical or emotional - and no friends to distract them. And it's frankly terrifying that so many mothers can't see that.

I agree that this thread makes for disrurbing reading. I hope that it isn't representative and there aren't large numbers of non-vulnerable children who haven't left their homes in four months. As I mentioned earlier, I have a friend in the same position but she does recognise that she's over anxious. I'm staggered that some people feel this is non-problematic behaviour.

I can’t think it’s that representative - parents who are online on mumsnet are already a fraction of all parents, and the thread title itself is going to select people who feel strongly one way or the other about lockdown and children.

@madbirdlady22

I wanted to check to see if this was normal, and if others were also staying at home? We have been out every day, and most of our other friends have too. Walking or cycling etc. I don't know anyone that is still staying at home, apart from elderly family members, so I wasn't sure if I was worrying for no reason?

We have been out 4 times since 26th March when DT2 was discharged from hospital (and DT1 had been in earlier the same week too) with bronchiolitis. 2 of the trips have been necessary for appointments, the other 2 have been 1 to see a family member (SD measures observed) and one to try and get DTs feet measured (didn’t happen, didn’t end up in any shops and turned round and came home within 20 minutes of arriving in town).

I don’t see the need/point in, nor intend going out, unless I really have to going forward - to me it’s not worth the risk of possibly catching the virus. We get our shopping delivered and I have the internet/phone to keep in touch with others; it also helps that DTs are infants so haven’t missed school or any childcare setting. I wouldn’t be impressed with people trying to force us into doing things I’m not comfortable with.

I don’t see the need/point in, nor intend going out, unless I really have to going forward - to me it’s not worth the risk of possibly catching the virus.

That's all about you, what about your children?

Good for you @madbirdlady22. I hope it works out, for you and for your friend.

Points to going out- stretching your legs, maintaining your own physical stamina, mental stimulation, showing your children the world, both natural (e.g. wildflowers, squirrels, magpies) and manmade (cars, lorries, weird shaped paving stones).

Usual benefits that applied before we had coronavirus, basically.

Passing your anxieties onto a child is poor parenting.