Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

I came back to this after seeing this thread this morning - I’m amazed that a family with no known reason to shield has anyone defending them not going out of the house whatsoever. It is in no way comparable to anyone taking extra precautions for good reason.

So 25 percent of the posters on this thread who are online in the day on a Friday think that the op’s friend isn’t unwell, and perhaps she has secret valid reasons for keeping her family under complete lockdown.

And meanwhile CAMHS etc is expecting a deluge of referrals in the autumn.

And another thread is me-railed by a stream of me me me me by Hooves.

We know you're shielding Hooves. You may have mentioned it, just once or twice. That's not relevant here. At all.

If you are on active chemo, the heavy dutynimmune-suppressants or biological, then you should be in the shield list, and do not need to be working (other than in the home) unless the person chooses to.

Yes, I am. Shielding is being paused on 1st August when I'll be going back to work. That was actually referring to pre Covid though and being exposed to chickenpox by parents who bring children into supermarkets when they have chickenpox.

Covid is just another in a long line of infections that could be life threatening. Unfortunately I need to work so 🤷

Sorry but it's completely insane and actually quite selfish to insist on staying home and even more so she wants to continue this past September .
She's got into to a routine that much she's fearful so it's actually anxiety stopping her going out now .
She will actually have to send the dc back to school in September anyway so that suggestion is not happening unless she decides to home school.
How the hell does she know a park is busy if she's never been ?
The park near me hardly anyone there until recently when they opened the playground.
Madness I say

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

If you are on active chemo, the heavy dutynimmune-suppressants or biological, then you should be in the shield list, and do not need to be working (other than in the home) unless the person chooses to.

Yes, I am. Shielding is being paused on 1st August when I'll be going back to work. That was actually referring to pre Covid though and being exposed to chickenpox by parents who bring children into supermarkets when they have chickenpox.

Covid is just another in a long line of infections that could be life threatening. Unfortunately I need to work so 🤷

You’re going back to work! Hallelujah, you won’t have time to whinge on every thread then with a bit of luck.

For those saying they're very introverted / "like a quiet life" etc, thats lovely for you, but once you become a parent I think you have to accept that your world IS going to get bigger. I was raised in a household dominated by a caregiver's anxiety issues- she would've said she "liked a quiet life", but actually she had massive anxiety (she was eventually diagnosed - too late for me unfortunately). Our lives were very indoors & introverted. At the time I wouldn't have vocalised unhappiness, but increasingly I knew we were 'odd' and I remember just feeling isolated and lethargic. I left home ASAP and then had to gradually overcome the social anxiety I'd inherited. I still suffer with it a bit, but push myself because I don't want my DC having the life I did (and one of the DC is a massive extrovert and just needs people!). Also worth noting that as your DC get older, it will become important for them to have adults in their lives who care about them but aren't their parents (Steve Biddulph bangs on about the importance of this for teen boys).

Well, OP, you said you were genuinely interested to know if other people had the same attitude as your friend as no one else you knew was still being similarly cautious. You now know that lots of people are, and a good quarter of people on the thread think yabu. Yet you're still saying things like 'this is chilling', 'this is a form of abuse'. So I'm wondering why you started the thread really, assuming it wasn't just for the bunfight.

I agree with this. I am actually more concerned by OP saying that it is abusive and chilling - these are serious, serious accusations.

If you actually think she needs more of the outside world - then why aren’t you providing that in the form of friendship? How do you think it will impact if you label her as an abuser and your connections totally lost forever?

I have not seen any evidence OP of abuse or anything ‘chilling’. If she had gone out twice to the seaside with the kids but lived the rest of the time indoors - why would it be so much different? My friends in Ireland weren’t allowed more than 2km from their home for 2-3 months, and then only 10km, and only just now opening up really.

Actually I think if they're definitely not shielding then yes, it is bordering on abusive.

Even when we were in a stricter lockdown, the government said we could go out once a day for exercise.

A healthy child is really not at at significant risk and a daily walk or socially distanced meet up outdoors is not going to put them in danger.

I think it's borderline abusive because the parent is letting their own mental health issues negatively affect their child. I don't care what anyone says, it's incredibly detrimental to a child's well being to not leave the house for months on end.

Pose the question 'isn't she worried that the children are missing out on a normal life?' If she doesn't send them back, questions will be asked. You can decide then if there is something else going on. Is there a chance she is being coerced into staying at home?

Yes absolutely it’s an adult that is failing to deal with the world adequately.

nudge I came on unsure of what to do, and like most parents I am steadily getting used to life outside; I came on to figure out if I needed to help her. I did not, I repeat, did not for minute consider that there would be so many other healthy families doing the same! And if anything, it is their posts that have really focused my mind, because having digested most of the posts I still don't know why everyone is staying at home if they are not shielding!!!! If there is almost no risk then why???

So in some ways I have become increasingly incredulous, and yes the photos my friend sends worry me alot. If I could show you I am sure even you would agree.

This is not about the children, or their risk.

It is about the parent's state of anxiety, although understandable to some degree in the peak of the pandemic, is really very worrying. Goodness knows if so many are still feeling this way by September, or worse, then we as a country really do have a massive problem on our hands. What state are the children going to be in by then??

She and her DH are inflicting psychological damage on their children. Children need stimulation and social interaction with more than just two parents, it's how they learn and how their brains develop. Their brains create new neural pathways as they experience and do new things. And that's not even considering how fearful those children are going to be of the outside world when they eventually are allowed to return to it. Six months is a long time for a 4 year old.

I'm quite horrified by the number of posters on here who are saying they can't see the problem. I guess MN posters are more likely than the average population to have tendencies towards anxiety and agoraphobia.

I’ve been taking my 6 year old into shops since they have reopened. She is much more timid and wary than she ever was before so she has clearly been affected by all this even though I’ve had her out for walks etc.

So let’s not underestimate the affect this has had on kids and I would also say it’s abusive if a parent is letting their issues affect their children so badly and won’t allow them to start rejoining the world.

Cross-post with you OP. But I agree with you.

I did in fact ask that question a while ago, quite directly cansu and she said they are 'happy enough at home'. She did not seem to worry so much about normal life anymore.
My worry is that something else is going on.

But then you read the posts on here, and maybe not. I don't know what to think. She is not an introvert desperate to be by herself, she has no reason to avoid me as we hardly ever see each other and she instigates most of the messages anyway.

I think you are right to be concerned and you sound like a very caring friend op. One of my friends is behaving similarly, quit her job as it was a key worker role as she was worried about taking it home to her (perfectly healthy) son's. We used to send each other messages semi regularly but this dropped off over lockdown when i tried asking how she was getting on and now she has deleted her messaging apps. We weren't close friend but it makes me sad, and I hope she has other people to support her.

As for us we have basically just followed the rules throughout, we are being sensible and sticking to the advice given. It has made a massive difference for our kids being able to play with their friends and see grandparents etc. I'm happy to wear a mask or whatever will let us have some normality back! All my other friends feel the same.

In Scotland so it's still a bit stricter here I think anyway.

I would like to ask all of those that are staying in and not even going out for a walk, and are not shielding, have my posts and others made any difference to how you feel about remaining in lockdown? Are you questioning whether this is good for your child?

I am obviously considering your views carefully, so I wonder whether you are weighing up your own choices and considering mine?

I personally think it’s unhealthy to not go anywhere or outside house/garden if not totally Necessary. Even if it is necessary it’s also bad for mental and physical health. I’m volunteering as a click and call- so call people shielding for a chat and trust me a lot of them do not sound mentally well.

Honestly? I think your posts read like you have decided anyone who is doing things differently to you is “wrong” and you are trying to drum up support for that way of thinking. I don’t think it will impact my parenting at all unless possibly to explain (again) to my children that different is not always less or wrong and diversity is to be encouraged.

sorry, but you did ask.

Hi OP. I understand your concerns.

I have a friend who is doing the same thing. For a month of the lockdown she would not even reply to messages and I became really concerned and actually just went and knocked on her door then stood at the end of the garden gate (like you, this is a lifelong friendship and we had been close). It turned out she was severely depressed and had spent many of the lockdown days unable to get out of bed and care for her DC.

I wonder if your friends mental health is an issue and it has now been so long she feels unable to come out and socialise. In my friends case, she was really glad I came and it was the start of her seeking help. If I were you, I would be blunt. It may be that she needs it.

Itisbetter Have you and your children left the house since March?

I’m not saying I can’t see the problem. I’m saying I think we don’t possibly know the movements of another human being 24/7 and it’s very possible her friend does go out and doesn’t share it or want anyone to know in case they ask her to do something/go somewhere she isn’t comfortable with. Lockdown is a good excuse!

I might ask the kids if they want to go out tomorrow but only if we can be arsed. I don't want to return to shouty mum, trying to get us all out the door for a day trip I've once again organised but in reality none of us want to do.

The thing is if you are isolating in your home you don’t realise that everyone is out and about and the world around you has moved on.