Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras i’m only going by your other threads where many people have said you need help xx

@Nicknacky

Hear Putting shielding aside for a moment, do you think children not having left a home for 4+ months is a good thing? No friends, play grounds etc?

Well, playgrounds have been shut and meeting friends hasn't been allowed so they haven't been doing anything exceptional for four months have they?

Some London boroughs have still kept playgrounds closed and it's only been fairly recently that you could meet a friend, socially distanced, so I don't think what they are doing is that different to many other people.

We also don't know if what op has been told is true. Maybe the friend has exaggerated a bit in order to put op off?

Thirdly, maybe they are shielding and the friend doesn't want to disclose.

I still think it's wrong for op to be sharing so many details about her friend in this way. There's quite a lot of identifying information that's been given including an ex forces dh with PTSD. Imagine if the friend is seeing this - even if she needs help seeing her life the subject of gossip could destroy the friendship.

It seems like a thinly veiled attempt to criticise anyone not rushing out to socialise to be honest. Been many in the same vein on MN.

[quote Alex50]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras i’m only going by your other threads where many people have said you need help xx[/quote]
Thanks. How supportive

We also don't know if what op has been told is true. Maybe the friend has exaggerated a bit in order to put op off?

Well I suppose it’s possible that it’s all a lie, the child isn’t lashing out at all, the friend is drinking just as she did before and has just made the whole thing up because she somehow dislikes the OP despite being a long-time friend, but I’m not sure why that should be the go-to guess? It’s not really standard behaviour to think “maybe she’s lying because she hates me” about anything your friends say about their lives.

Anyway OP, I would be particularly worried that she says the children may not be going back to school in September. Could you try gently asking her what she’d need to see in order to feel safe enough to go out/send them to school/whatever?

A family I know were very like this for most of lockdown but have been getting out and about a little since and seem a lot happier for it.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras yes when you said you worked in a supermarket and would cringe when the children would hand you dirty money with all their germs on, how awful the parents were to let them do this, before coronvirus, really stuck a cord with mei, it must be terrible to be worried so much all the time because of your health xx

hear Places started to re open and restrictions eased weeks ago. So again I will ask but will rephrase (with no mention of shielding) do you think it’s right that some parents are allowing children to NOW leave homes now that they can?

And there is nothing identifiable here, that’s ludicrous. It’s clear plenty of people are acting like this.

[quote Alex50]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras yes when you said you worked in a supermarket and would cringe when the children would hand you dirty money with all their germs on, how awful the parents were to let them do this, before coronvirus, really stuck a cord with mei, it must be terrible to be worried so much all the time because of your health xx[/quote]
Yep it is. Being immunosuppressed will do that to you, particularly when you have to report even exposure to chickenpox immediately and considering how many parents think it's fine to bring their children into supermarkets when they have chickenpox.

But, I know you're only doing this to mock me and have no interest in either me nor how I'm coping.

HearHooves you really need to calm down.

I have received the same shielding texts (in fact I think I was Shielder No. 1!)including the initial one you mention with the advice to keep a bag packed. This was MONTHS ago. I have since plundered my packed bag and used the stuff in there.

You go ON AND ON AND ON AND ON and never listen to anyone else across multiple threads. You are NOT the only person shielding and you don’t have it worse than anyone else.

Frankly it’s unbelievable that you haven’t told all and sundry about your special status. I firmly suggest that if things get back to normal you apply for a job as Town Cryer (but only bellowing about yourself).

Basically start your own threads (subject: ME) and stop hijacking everyone else’s. I would be mortified if people repeatedly told me I was hogging the conversation but you seem utterly oblivious.

@Nicknacky

hear Places started to re open and restrictions eased weeks ago. So again I will ask but will rephrase (with no mention of shielding) do you think it’s right that some parents are allowing children to NOW leave homes now that they can?

And there is nothing identifiable here, that’s ludicrous. It’s clear plenty of people are acting like this.

Nothing identifying?

Two children aged 4 and 7 and a dh, ex services with PTSD.

I reckon that's fairly identifying if you know them.

In my view, as long as parents are making sure the children are getting fresh air, exercise, are playing, are learning and are happy and loved and are aware of how and when to move forward then I don't think it's a huge issue right now. It's not illegal is it? And again, we don't know if the details that op has are accurate.

Maybe the parents are slowly starting to move forward.

@IrmaFayLear

HearHooves you really need to calm down.

I have received the same shielding texts (in fact I think I was Shielder No. 1!)including the initial one you mention with the advice to keep a bag packed. This was MONTHS ago. I have since plundered my packed bag and used the stuff in there.

You go ON AND ON AND ON AND ON and never listen to anyone else across multiple threads. You are NOT the only person shielding and you don’t have it worse than anyone else.

Frankly it’s unbelievable that you haven’t told all and sundry about your special status. I firmly suggest that if things get back to normal you apply for a job as Town Cryer (but only bellowing about yourself).

Basically start your own threads (subject: ME) and stop hijacking everyone else’s. I would be mortified if people repeatedly told me I was hogging the conversation but you seem utterly oblivious.

👍

There's more chance of her being worried and struggling to go out than her shielding.

Op cares. She hasn't come on here to be nasty.

I understand her concerns.

My five year old used to go to school five days a week. Swim on Saturday mornings. Then we'd have days out or days home on Sundays. We always have a holiday at Easter. We walked loads and saw family.

Since march she's walked. Seen her grandparents on both sides twice. That's it. The rest she's been home. Yes I've baked with her. We've done school work. I've had the paddling pool out. We've had late nights and lazy days. But she's happy because of the walks and the creativity we've put into the walks.

Searching for rainbows. Talking about the fact a child lives where theres a rainbow and the fact they are also home with mummy and dad.

We've fed the ducks. Walked along the river and looked for different things. We've watched the waterfalls.

We've been on rainy walks. Wellies. Puddles. Umbrellas.

She's taken her Dolly for a walk in her dolls pram.

She's ridden her bike up the lane and took a picnic in the basket.

She's collected leaves and picked wild flowers and made a garden when she's got home.

We went on a bug hunt. She searched for ladybirds and butterflies for her school work. We talked about insects and stuff so she understands more about them. She absolutely loved this.

So @Hearhoovesthinkzebras I know you will argue it again. But there are many reasons getting out is important for a child in lockdown.

I agree with the lady above. You don't seem ok at all. You seem upset and angry at everyone. You've said nothing nice. All you've suggested is the lady could be shielding and not want any company. Or she's avoiding the op.

Perhaps you feel this way personally. But that's not too say this lady is the same. She's a mother of young children. Can you not understand that this behaviour is not healthy. She's scared to send the children back to school. Imagine being a child and suddenly you don't leave the house? You don't go to school or anywhere anymore. Your mum's not even walking you anywhere? That's a sad childhood. It's certainly not how things should stay. The mum needs support if it's anxiety. In sure her friend would know if one of them was ill and shielding. Most people would be able to say if they have an underlying issues.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Perhaps you shouldn't work in places where the public go. It is sometimes unavoidable when children have chickenpox. No it's not ideal. But sometimes nobody will look after you sick child and if essentials are needed then that mother will have to do what she has to do. Some people have nobody!

@Melonslicexx

How do you know the mum has anxiety?

Why would op know they are shielding? Why?

How do you know the children haven't been out for a walk or left the house?

As for I don't seem happy? Maybe that's because you and others think it's fine to criticise me and my life as well as belittling my health issues. But, there we are.

[quote Melonslicexx]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Perhaps you shouldn't work in places where the public go. It is sometimes unavoidable when children have chickenpox. No it's not ideal. But sometimes nobody will look after you sick child and if essentials are needed then that mother will have to do what she has to do. Some people have nobody![/quote]
There are people working in shops who are on chemo, who are on immunosuppressants, who are on high dose steroids. We don't all have the luxury of just giving up work and nor should we have to.

Call 101 & ask the police to do a welfare check or call your local MASH (Safeguarding hub) & tell them about this. It's not normal for children to be hidden away from the outside world for this long. Fair enough if the parents want to completely withdraw but it's not a decision they should be imposing on the children.

Hear There are posters on this very thread that have not taken their children out since March. Ones that are not shielding with health concerns.

That’s not healthy for children. I have a huge back garden. Big house with all the toys my kids could need but that’s insignificant with getting out into the world, even if it’s just a walk along the beach and getting an ice cream.

@GarlicMonkey

Call 101 & ask the police to do a welfare check or call your local MASH (Safeguarding hub) & tell them about this. It's not normal for children to be hidden away from the outside world for this long. Fair enough if the parents want to completely withdraw but it's not a decision they should be imposing on the children.

I’m really not sure there is sufficient safeguarding issues to call the police!

As long as the children are happy, fit and emotionally and physically healthy then there is no safeguarding at present.

GarlicMonkey This is not a police matter and the police will not do a welfare check on this information alone.

I know as much as you.

Also I think it was you that mocked me first. Remember taking the pee out of me stating fresh air and sunshine is good for people. I said that being out in natural places like woods and fields was great for a child's overall health. Building up immunity to the different pollens and collecting sticks and getting muddy.

You and another posted said you were going to eat dirt and lick trees. You then mocked me for saying I lived on a farm as a child and It built my immune system up. You then tried to laugh at my lifestyle because I said I liked woodland walks and things. You also said I was one of those people who thought I knew better than everyone else and if people didn't do things my way they were bad parents?

Have a think about why my earlier posts offended you so much. Because all I said was the obvious. I think it's sad that you turn on people who enjoy something you don't! I also think you should educate yourself on mental health and general health. I think you will find everything I suggested earlier is scientific facts that we all should be aware of. No you don't have to do any of it. But your children will be healthier for it. That's not something to laugh at in this world where's screens and junk food are causing health issues. Not to mention the amount of depression in young people.

How do I know shes anxious? Because a mother who used to go out and live is now not planning to do anything until after September. I don't know she's anxious. I said she could be. There is a higher chance of that than your theory that everyone's like you. It's not healthy how you feel. You need further help. I would never take the pee out of your situation. It's sad and unfair that your life is restricted. You have a right to have down days and worries about that. But you don't get to bully everyone with a different opinion.

There are people working in shops who are on chemo

If you are on active chemo, the heavy dutynimmune-suppressants or biological, then you should be in the shield list, and do not need to be working (other than in the home) unless the person chooses to. Charities are being pretty active in pushing for policies which mean that the exceptionally vulnerable are not forced by, threat of job loss, into workplaces

Individuals can choose to ignore that part of the advice, and return before the August date (varies between) when the advice changes to allow going to work in a Covid-safe workplace.

I do not think the level of restriction on the shielded is always fully understood, and an anecdote about one person opting to ignore some/all of the advice does not mean that all shielded people should be put and about to the same extent.

I think that a person in the household being shielded, but the friend not wanting to disclose that medical detail at the moment, is the Occam's razor solution.

Stay at home is still the advice, though you can go out for distanced outdoor exercise/leisure. Children in shielded families should not be mixing with others (yet)

Some of the responses on here are really worrying. People's understanding of risk management is baffling. The virus has not gone away but the risk of getting it is so much lower. I don't care how well looked after the children are, not getting out for a walk and seeing other people will be detrimental to their development and long term health and happiness. I would call the school.

Some people have clearly not been reading OP's posts.

This is not a shielding family. This is not a happy family having fun (the thread about the photos was chilling, as is the DH's attitude), and the DS is at the very least, showing signs of emotional distress.

The issues here having lockdown jolly times are not comparable. But even the ones that claim they've not done anything, but then drip feed that they've had walks or their child has played with the one next door.

OP I think you've expressed the situation very well, and you're clearly being careful, caring and concerned. And you're right to be.
I just wish I knew the answer. I suspect that the DH is behold it, but she's unlikely to tell you so.

The next miserable photo she sends, I'd comment on though. Even if it's semi-lightheartedly. Maybe agree that the DS doesn't look happy, and ask if there's anyone he can play with, as it might lift his mood? Mention the letter from the 1,000 paediatricians saying children need to play and aren't at risk?

Ugh. Autocorrect really mangled my post.

Issues= posters
Behold= behind

Well, OP, you said you were genuinely interested to know if other people had the same attitude as your friend as no one else you knew was still being similarly cautious. You now know that lots of people are, and a good quarter of people on the thread think yabu. Yet you're still saying things like 'this is chilling', 'this is a form of abuse'. So I'm wondering why you started the thread really, assuming it wasn't just for the bunfight.

If you've made up your mind that something is wrong, then you should act or you will never forgive yourself if there is a coercive control situation going on, or a runaway mental illness picture that needs intervention. Personally, I don't fancy any of the options that have been mentioned on the thread - ringing the police, ringing the kids' school, turning up at 6 in the morning - they all suck in my view and would be friendship-ending for me.

But if you're adamant that what's going on with your friend can't possibly just be that she's made different but equally valid choices from your own, then you're going to have to pick one. Because the alternative would be to ignore abuse or mental breakdown because you were scared intervening was going to make you unpopular - and what kind of a person would that make you?

This thread has turned into yet another polarised Deniers vs Dementors one. If you really care about your friend you need to elevate your thinking into a more nuanced place before you decide what to do next.