Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

hear I am not suggesting even to meet her, so it is definitely not her choosing not to see me. We mostly keep in touch via text and whatsapp and only catch up once or twice a year max. We have a very old friendship that spans many decades. I know her extremely well, and this is not her!

I just don't know how you can be so certain. I haven't told all of my friends that I'm shielding and others on here have said the same.

If you are so utterly convinced that something is wrong why not do something about it rather than gossip about them on here? She might be reading this now.

If your friends are on MN, they know you're shielding, Hooves. Everyone on MN probably knows by now.

Struggling to believe you have friends in RL that don't know you're shielding, tbh. How do you manage conversations without dropping it in?

Are they friends you haven't actually spoken to over the phone since February?

Bless her. That's rough. Luckily my partner chips in with the child care. It's hard being with kids 24/7. So getting out would break the day down abit. If I dare say it again.... Even if it for a walk somewhere. The kids must be fed up and bored. Mine don't go out everyday but they do bits and bobs each week and get out for a walk. I often take them to the playing field near my house so they can run around.

I think you should continue to offer and encourage her. Probably a simple cuppa in her garden to start with. Then when you are there you could try and see if they want to just walk up the road or something. It would probably lift her spirits.

The struggle is real with all of it. It's sad to see so many people loose themselves and their confidence. I think it's even harder when you are a parent and you've got too do right by them too. You sound a great friend.

I understand your concerns, OP, I have a similar situation with a friend. She is naturally very protective of her 7 year so I'm not surprised, but very worried. They've left the house twice since lockdown, no daily walks and the child (an only one) hasn't played with any other children since March. She does recognise that she's suffering with anxiety but seems to be completely stuck. I don't know what to do either.

melon I will let her know she can keep talking, of course, and I will keep an eye on her. I just worried she is the kind of person that will keep silent about her struggles and one day snap. And people will be horrified and ask why no one noticed, well I am noticing, and I don't believe she is a person choosing to live a simple life at the expense of her children, I just don't believe that. Every photo of the dc that comes through not one is of them smiling. It is truly chilling. Not one in the last six months. They are stood there with the photo being taken, and not one of them is happy or smiling. Why even send photos to me like that? It makes me feel worse for them. They are usually dressed up for something in the garden, and its at complete odds with their expressions. They don't look remotely happy or loving lockdown. I am not sure what she is trying to say through the photos.

[quote Melonslicexx]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I think you just don't like people from the sounds of your posts. Some friend she would be to not bother trying to check she's ok. People seem really happy and then they commit suicide. You seem to think there is one way in life yourself! Yet you suggested I expected everyone to copy what I do. You are a very negative person. It's a shame you are this way because you are not helping yourself being so negative.[/quote]
Oh no, you're not judgey at all, I can tell from your posts.

No one has to disclose private medical information to a friend. Nothing to do with being miserable, a good friend or anything.

We don't have to justify our lives to our friends. Op has asked her friend. She hasn't chosen to discuss it with op. Maybe she just doesn't want to meet up with op. She's allowed to make that choice isn't she?

Please can someone tell me why going out for a simple walk in an empty area is in any way risky if you are not vulnerable or shielding?

I don't think it particularly is however it'll depend where you live. It's not quite round here, lots of people walking around, narrow pavements, Victorian streets.

summer and the more one reads the thread the more chilling it becomes, it is not just your friend or mine, it is affecting so many more. An astonishing amount. Nearly 25% according to the vote, if we assume a similar percentage in real life where does that leave us?

Who can not feel deeply worried about this?

The government really need to get a grip on the messaging, and remind parents that it is a form of abuse to keep them inside for months on end without good reason. It is neglect. So why are so many thoroughly decent parents choosing to allow this to happen?

@madbirdlady22

hear I am not suggesting even to meet her, so it is definitely not her choosing not to see me. We mostly keep in touch via text and whatsapp and only catch up once or twice a year max. We have a very old friendship that spans many decades. I know her extremely well, and this is not her!

But you posted this earlier this morning

I did suggest that destroyed and she put me off, and said lets aim for August! Before she said lets aim for June, then July

In response to a poster telling you to book tickets for something and surprise her. So, you have suggested meeting up.

Maybe she doesn't want to meet up with you?

Op you aren't unreasonable being concerned about your friend and her children. Is her dh getting any help around his PTSD? I think that he may be behind this behaviour.

The messaging to stay home was too powerful in April along with the terrifying scenes of ICU, they have managed to frighten a whole generation of perfectly healthy people into staying at home whatever the cost. The conviction in some of the posts on here makes me think they are never going to change their minds or adapt to this virus, not ever, and we will as a country develop an underclass of people too afraid to live their lives. Living in the shadows.

As if this hasn't been bad enough already.

dol I don't know much about PTSD, how might they affect him? He is an ex solider if that helps?

@PotholeParadise

I just don't know how you can be so certain. I haven't told all of my friends that I'm shielding and others on here have said the same.

If you are so utterly convinced that something is wrong why not do something about it rather than gossip about them on here? She might be reading this now.

If your friends are on MN, they know you're shielding, Hooves. Everyone on MN probably knows by now.

Struggling to believe you have friends in RL that don't know you're shielding, tbh. How do you manage conversations without dropping it in?

Are they friends you haven't actually spoken to over the phone since February?

Some friends I haven't spoken to over the phone, we've just kept in touch via Facebook or text. Some I have spoken to over the phone. It's not like everyone's been going out and about and have stories of nights out or parties or theatre trips to share is it? Most people haven't been doing much. The fact that I've been doing far less just hasn't come up.

"What have you been doing?"
"Oh nothing much. You?"
" Same here. Did you see X on TV? Good wasn't it? How are the children?"

It's very easy to keep it quiet.

hear we usually meet in the summer holidays and at christmas, so it is normal to talk about what we might do. She may not want to meet up with me, but that does not explain why she isn't seeing anyone else.

You do need to consider your own mental health in amongst all of this. Keep reaching out but not daily or weekly to meet up.

I had a close friend of years, some years ago who I was stressed over as she was having a series of life dramas and withdrawn.

The horrible dramas was real the being withdrawn wasnt, she was actually phasing me out of life and I was to naive to see it. Until I bumped into her with her new bf in the pub after she was "to run off her feet " to catch up for one hour.

Not saying that is what's going with your friend, but she be perfectly fine. What shes doing to the kids isn't healthy but neither is it illegal.

I did ask my friend straight up four times if she wanted to stay in contact, did she need my support and said all the right things like " I miss you so much, we must catch up" in fact she still does say that but it's not the truth. People say somethings and even in close friendships it's still a lie.

What a weird thread. Posters getting super defensive and comparing themselves to the OP's friend, and then later on they say they have been for a few walks and some even that their DC has been to school. That is NOT the same situation as the OP is describing about her friend at all.

There is nothing wrong with liking a quiet life, being an introvert and not being in an rush to get back to restaurants and coffee shops and playdates. That is COMPLETELY different from refusing to go out of the house for a walk and to see outside life, even for your kids' sake.

I have been back at work since 1st June so have had limited time for walks etc. Prior to that I walked with the teen boys daily if the weather was nice, or less often when the weather turned. The government built this into their lockdown advice precisely because they were concerned about physical and mental health crises arising as a result of complete isolation.

We never met up with anyone on our walks and we haven't had anyone over for any garden visits etc like some of our neighbours, but it was amazing what a positive thing the mental and emotional stimulation of a change of scene is each day - just a 45 min walk observing things in your local environment like what people have done with their gardens, or the rainbows in windows. Don't underestimate that. I got quite down not being able to do that so often when back at work as workplace restrictions are like an alert going off in your mind constantly that things are not at all normal. I think the shock of a return to normal day to day obligations in a few weeks is going to be too much for those who are behaving like the OP/s friend and if they don't build up gradually from now they might well never leave the house again. I don't think that's an exaggeration.

never going to change their minds or adapt to this virus, not ever,

I really hope you aren't refering to me in that. I will repeat, we haven't been out because we've enjoyed being home.

I appreciate there are some people uncomfortable with the risk and this fear is keeping them from going out however that isn't everyone and some people are enjoying the lockdown lifestyle.

I think if you aren't/ weren't enjoying it, it can be hard to see how anyone would. I can see why some people are desperate to get back to 'normal'. But others have realised they did not enjoy their previous normal.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you have been very anxious on other threads, you have had advice to get some help with your anxiety, I feel sorry for you, I don’t think you are in a very happy place. I hope you feel better soon and can enjoy life again without the worry

@madbirdlady22

hear we usually meet in the summer holidays and at christmas, so it is normal to talk about what we might do. She may not want to meet up with me, but that does not explain why she isn't seeing anyone else.

But you don't know that she isn't seeing anyone else do you?

That's what I'm saying.

Maybe they are shielding and she hasn't told you.

Maybe they are being cautious, going out for walks etc but she doesn't want to meet with you because you've been going out more, your children have been mixing with other children. Maybe they want to stick with the guidelines but she doesn't want to offend you and so is saying she won't meet you just yet as they aren't going out, rather than say she won't meet you because you've been associating with too many people?

Honestly, if this were at any other time and a friend was making excuses to not meet up no posters would be encouraging you to doorstep the woman.

It’s interesting how only a few weeks ago there were numerous threads about how we must think of the vulnerable children and how terrible it was that schools weren’t opening for everyone, and how this would put so many children at risk, not only to possible abuse, but also to their mental health. Now the OP has identified a family where the mental health of the children could be impacted and many people are telling the OP to back off.

Hear Putting shielding aside for a moment, do you think children not having left a home for 4+ months is a good thing? No friends, play grounds etc?

@madbirdlady22, I think you totally misunderstood my post, I am not feeling miserable neither making a holiday out of this. 😁

I work full time, I have not stopped at all, I just work from home now. I’m getting less distractions so I am more productive. I continue to do my usual task, have managed to complete a major review about our processes, took a few courses and training I would have not had the time to do otherwise and, considering I am not commuting, I am less tired after work so, I have done quite a bit of diy, reconnected with old friends (long conversations online), etc.

Perhaps she is just tired of you judging her motivations wrong all the time? Perhaps she is bored of you thinking that people who don’t agree with you are all wrong, crazy or lazy?She may not find it fun to go to the park with you? I tell people I am isolating (wonderful excuse) when I am not interested in seeing them even if sneak out here and there to meet with people whose company I enjoy more (socially distancing of course!)

[quote Alex50]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you have been very anxious on other threads, you have had advice to get some help with your anxiety, I feel sorry for you, I don’t think you are in a very happy place. I hope you feel better soon and can enjoy life again without the worry [/quote]
I'm only as anxious as being told to stay indoors for four months, isolate from your family and keep a hospital bag packed ready will make you.

Why should I be in a rush to go out and expose myself to something I've been urged to stay locked away from for four months? Government have told me that I can do more from 1st August so that's when I'll do more. Your concern is misplaced

What a weird thread. Posters getting super defensive and comparing themselves to the OP's friend, and then later on they say they have been for a few walks and some even that their DC has been to school. That is NOT the same situation as the OP is describing about her friend at all.

Frankly, I think it's despicable. The OP has very valid concerns over the welfare of her friend and her friend's children, and people are taking personal offence when they have been going out themselves.

How many children have died so far in the UK due to domestic violence since lockdown? I think it's either equal to or greater than the number of children who have died of coronavirus.

Suppose the OP was right to have concerns, but decided to trust her friend because of posters here and the worst case scenario came to pass?

I'm not so sure. I certainly don't think reporting them to the school will do good!

I've a friend who's husband is shielding now till September. Many people don't know why. Because it isn't public knowledge. But sadly they've had to be incredibly strict. Including their kids. Being forced outside at the treat of school turning up or getting involved is the last thing they'd need.

Are the kids happy. Healthy. Enjoying life? Honestly we've loved lockdown. We've had so much fun!