Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

@HarrietM87 there is a big difference - in fact a massive difference - between a 2 year old and a 7 year old. Generally until children are about 2 they only need their close relatives - though I think they obvoiusly get a huge amount from watching other children/ meeting new people.

I have a 7 year old - he was deeply affected by lockdown - he needs far far more in terms of exercise than a 'play in the garden' or an exercise video on youtube. He needs real physical play and imaginative play and friend based conversations with people his age, and children who are not his age.

What is worrying in some of the arguments here is the real lck of understanding of the role that play between children has in their development - children need risk, they need to be in new and changing situations so that they can learn about the world.

It's absolutely not okay or healthy to keep children in a house and garden (not everyone has a massive forest area!) - for months on end for NO REASON - which is what is happening here. There is no risk to these children from Covid - particularly not if they social distanced/ went out on bikes with their family etc -

However, as the Scottish government have demonstrated children under 12 can play with no risk outdoors WITHOUT social distancing.

Could you suggest an early morning play ground visit! Like 7am! We’ve been doing that as both my kids are super early risers anyway!

However, as the Scottish government have demonstrated children under 12 can play with no risk outdoors WITHOUT social distancing.

I don't know many people who feel that way though. Of those few I do know who have gone out, they've mainly said it isn't worth it because of the issues with social distancing. They feel like they are constantly telling their kids off and they aren't comfortable with the risk of letting them not (either they aren't or the other parent isn't) or they are with adults where the child needs to social distance.

Overall, I don't think that 5 months of limited, non-family, interaction is going to do long term harm to my kids, certainly when I consider how they have benefited from lockdown in other ways.

Once they are back to school we are going to continue to do less at weekends - fewer play dates, less meeting up with other families, fewer day trips out. Because we've realised we don't need it and in actual fact don't really enjoy it.

I am however planning next years holiday. We've just bought a new tent and some new camping supplies in the sale!

I suspect what we'll face is a pandemic of agoraphobia!

I've been thinking this. I have cancer (but not shielding), and being stuck at home sometimes for weeks before lockdown, meant that it wasn't very different for me. There have been times when I haven't been out for several weeks, I've found myself not wanting to go out, but have forced myself (this was before covid) to get out, because I could see I could slide into agoraphobia very easily.

Since lockdown, I get out for a walk over the common when it's dry, just for a change of scenery.

I think OP is right to be concerned about her friend, and the children. I would be too, especially as the child is lashing out, and her friend is drinking more.

Yes, we're shielding; it doesn't end until the end of July. Lots of shielding households may appear visually healthy; people don't have to tell you why they're shielding. That's between them and their doctors. I fully expect my kids to be back at school in September. However, I totally understand that some people may feel pessimistic about the likelihood as there's been so much speculation about a second wave and local lockdowns. Most people are just following the official guidance and it doesn't have to correlate to what you think they should do instead. I'd suggest you wait till August before asking your friend if she wants to meet up, etc. Mid July is too early.

Please can someone tell me why going out for a simple walk in an empty area is in any way risky if you are not vulnerable or shielding?

If any of my friends turn up at 6am with tickets to a NT garden and try to force me to go, or call the police and insinuate that I'm a victim of DV because I've chosen not to tell them I'm shielding it would be the last time I ever spoke to them.

That's really not ok. You might not agree with what they are doing but people might not agree with what any of you are doing. Maybe they think the food you give your children isn't right, or the amount of screen time, or how you discipline them, or whether you drink or whatever - do you think they have the right to stage an intervention on you and make you do what they think is right?

This is just too controlling.

@madbirdlady22

Please can someone tell me why going out for a simple walk in an empty area is in any way risky if you are not vulnerable or shielding?

How do you know that they aren't vulnerable or shielding? Just because she hasn't told you doesn't mean they aren't.

@Wondergirl100 I was just explaining my own thoughts and situation. I wasn’t comparing it to the people the OP knows. Who knows how active the children are being in their garden. There’s more than one child so no reason they can’t play together.

The main issue I think is that the OP can’t do anything about this. If she tried to report them to someone (who?!) she’d get laughed off the phone. So many children are actually being abused and suffering during lockdown, this really needs to be put in context.

Keep your beak out!
You do you let her do her and her family.
You dont sound much of a friend but DO sound controlling.

I am also noting that childline report receiving 37% more phone calls from children under 11 years of age:

And I quote:

'Esther Rantzen, who created Childline in 1986, says "the pandemic has turned children's lives upside down", and that she believes that many young people have been "cut off" from places of support including friends, family and school'

Lets think about the words used: 'cut off' and that is precisely what is happening to so many children, without good reason (no health reasons - or shielding etc) I don't think they are advocating keeping children at home at all, quite the opposite.

www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/53355529

maxdash That isn’t my experience with social distancing and children. I’m in Scotland and my kids have been with their friends and none of the parents in our circle have any reservations about the children being close to each other. I think you and your own circle are quite extreme.

Again op, how do you know they aren't shielding?

hear they are not shielding, I will not say it again. They are also plenty of posts on this thread if you care to read it, that are also not shielding and are still in a self imposed lockdown. The two are not mutually exclusive, and even the shielding are allowed out for a walk, so really relevant.

hear This family are not alone in how extreme they are, there are posters on here doing the exact same.

Stop banging on about shielding!

@madbirdlady22

hear they are not shielding, I will not say it again. They are also plenty of posts on this thread if you care to read it, that are also not shielding and are still in a self imposed lockdown. The two are not mutually exclusive, and even the shielding are allowed out for a walk, so really relevant.

I just don't know how you can be so certain. I haven't told all of my friends that I'm shielding and others on here have said the same.

If you are so utterly convinced that something is wrong why not do something about it rather than gossip about them on here? She might be reading this now.

Everyone decides how much risk they will accept. My DF who we live with is shielding. He will shield until there is a vaccine probably because he can and it’s not worth the risk to him. We’re shielding with him until September when DS goes to school otherwise we’d shield for longer.

@Nicknacky

hear This family are not alone in how extreme they are, there are posters on here doing the exact same.

Stop banging on about shielding!

Why? They might very well be shielding. Even if they're not is what they are doing against the law? Since when do people have the right to be so intrusive in how others live?

Mental health has definitely massively gone up. You know your friend better than anyone in Mumsnet. Be open with her. Ask her how she's feeling. Tell her how your feeling. See if she says she doesn't know where she's at etc. Ask her if she's abit nervous about restarting. If she is then suggest something really simple to start with. Ask her if she needs some support.

I think the best thing anyone can do for friends right now is just talk and keep in touch. Me and my best friend have had some deep chats lately. She's always struggled more than me with her head. She's a strong cookie that keeps going for everyone else. But she gets down. Her mental health is allover right now. I've got anxiety and I've lost my confidence. I'm trying to walk further and we have been for a simple picnic at a national trust location. We've also been to see my parents in their garden. Baby steps really. Our holiday was cancelled. But my partner's off next week. We are planning on going for a drive one day to visit a village I lived in years ago. We hope to take the kids to a little farm for the morning if possible. Other than that we will do some walks and stuff. I'm hoping it pushes us forward in a positive way.

There been alot of nastiness on this thread. But there's been some great comments and advice. You sound a great friend. You should absolutely keep in touch. Make offers and offer her some support and advice. Outside is safe for people. Also it will do them good to get out for a while. The longer people stay home the harder it all becomes.

If she is shielding then she should be able to tell you if you are close. Even if she doesn't wish to say why. But it's likely she's got the fear. Perhaps she's just drained and cant be bothered. Perhaps she's anxious. Maybe she's exhausted. Maybe she's skint. Maybe she is finding the kids hard work. Lots of people are going through some sort of peak lockdown stress.

Good luck with helping her. Your heart is in the right place.

My life isn't too dissimilar at the moment. My youngest child has been to school recently and we have been on a few walks but not many.

Pre Covid we would go to cafes and restaurants but none of us are interested at the moment.

We are not anxious about the virus we are staying at home because we are happy, I appreciate it's not everyone's idea of fun but we've discovered that the simple life suits us at the moment.

All you really know op is that she doesn't want to meet up with you. She's entitled to do that isn't she? Maybe she's telling you they aren't meeting up with anyone because she wants to avoid meeting you as you seem to be meeting up with lots of other people.

Perhaps she wants to stick to the guidelines and not meet up with people who have going out and mixing with others.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I think you just don't like people from the sounds of your posts. Some friend she would be to not bother trying to check she's ok. People seem really happy and then they commit suicide. You seem to think there is one way in life yourself! Yet you suggested I expected everyone to copy what I do. You are a very negative person. It's a shame you are this way because you are not helping yourself being so negative.

melon Thank you, she is a great person and it is a shame that she is stuck where she is with this, because it must be really hard for her most days, and not the lockdown utopia others suggest.

Her dh does absolutely nothing with the dc as he 'works' and she is stuck doing all the childcare, housework and cooking, everything 247 without a break, he never gives her as much as an hour's break, as he 'doesn't do childcare' apparently despite the fact he is their father. I fail to see how this is 'loving lockdown' - she is stuck inside her home in groundhog and with no support. I am so worried about her. I don't know when she will ever come out again, and I can't tell if this is something she is being coerced into, or whether she is actively choosing to do this.

We have had some deep chats, and she knows I am always here for her. I have sent her cards and flowers over the lockdown. When we talk she keeps using examples of people she loosely knows that have caught covid somewhere, she doesn't even actually know these people, they are usually someone her dh knows. She will say oh the neighbour's husband's twice removed cousin caught covid from the supermarket etc.

I was hopeful she would start to feel better as the infection rate has dropped, but no, she is still locked down. It is up to her of course, it is her life, and she can do whatever she wants, but I am very worried for the children especially.

I have children almost exactly that age and the situation described is very much not ok. One of the wonderful things about the easing of restrictions is seeing the sheer joy my two take in just seeing friends face to face, going to the playground, going to the beach (we're near the coast). Youngest went back to school in June and he has such been so ridiculously happy to be back. I'm totally at the 25% of people currently saying YABU - I really hope its because they genuinely think the family are shielding, because otherwise????